I am new here and I am in need of some good sound advice. I have been married to a very wonderful man for 20 years ,we have always had a good strong marriage (we have had our share of problems as in any marriage) I have always trusted my husband and I know that he has always been faithful to me. Here is the problem my husband has a female co-worker that he has worked with for at least 10 years (she is the secretary of his department and I have never met her, she did go to my husbands mothers funeral) He has mentioned her name in conversation over the years and she has always sent our family a plate of baked goodies at christmas and I never once thought this to be out of line. This last christmas this co-worker of his came to my job and approached me. she asked me if I was ***wife and I told her that I was. she proceeded to tell me who she was and that my husband was a very special man and that he was very unappreciated. she was not rude but she was not freindly either. at the time I did not know how to take her comments and I did not mention this to my husband. A couple of weeks later I asked my husband what he was going to be doing that morning and he told me that the secretary at work had asked my husband if he could pick her up at her house and give her a ride to the home garage to pick up her car as she was having car trouble. All of a sudden it was like a light switch was turned on and I felt as if this woman was after my husband. I expressed my feelings to my husband and he got very mad at me. He said that he would never by unfaithful to me and that I hurt his feeling for even thinking such thoughts. I told him that I trusted him but that I did not trust her. He did give her a ride and told me that he would not give her any more rides if it hurt my feelings. Am I making to much of this??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Be very careful. This has all of the makings of EA before a PA. Suggest that you use that conversation from the other day as a jumping off point for talking to your husband about making your M better than ever by studying and investing time in it to find out about each other's needs and desires and dreams. Make more time for one another. Nip this in the bud by making your M and each other a priority and hopefully this will go away by itself.

Huh?

Was she implying that he was unappreciated by you?

Hard to say what's going on, but based on your description, you are wise to be on your guard.

Since your H gave the right answer after the ride to the garage ("told me that he would not give her any more rides if it hurt my feelings") it would be a good time to raise the "unappreciated" remarks from the co-worker with him. Ask him what she could have meant.

IF your H is sharing concerns of being unappreciated by you with her, that's a HUGE problem. If an affair is not already underway, one soon will be.

Welcome to MB and read, read, read.

Thank you for the advice, my husband is a very good and kind person and he has never given me a reason to think otherwise, but this woman is single and I do believe looking for companionship, I think if she respected my husband as a married man she would not even put my husband in this position to begin with,( I am upset that my husband sees nothing wrong with her actions) I work with lots of married men and I would't dream of creating any problems that would offend their spouses. My husband thinks that I have misjudged this woman all wrong

Never - ever - never sell short femal intuition when it comes to the relationship with her husband, or his potential inappropriate behavior.

I would error on the side of caution here. Start making all necessary steps to find out what is going on. Personally, when my wife catches me up to no good, I respond sheepishly... (she and her girlfriends have a ongoing theory about guys flirting with female workers - such as waitresses and such... ) she is generally right, and I tend to tuck tail between my legs and admit that my tone of voice was not the same I would have used had the person been a guy.

To respond with ANGER and INDIGNATION is a huge red flag to me. I would expect a 'normal' person to respond with, 'honey, I wouldn't even know where to begin something like that' in response to an affair. That this lady had the audacity to confront you in person tells me she feels she has her hooks into him deep enough that she doesn't fear any consequences.

WATCH OUT!

Were you addressing that to me?

If so, what did I say that sold anything short?

WAT

when my H female co-worker came to see me, I was not able to continue the conversation as my manager was standing right there so I was left with all these ?? myself. I asked my H if he confided in her about our private and personal life and he said no, I want to believe him but I don't know what to believe. This woman came into my job again but she did not speak to me, she just glared at me. I told my husband that she acted like she was jealous of me, I would think that she would have be polite and glad to met me. Why can my husband not see this????

Did she mean unappreciated at work..or privately...thats a huge piece of this puzzle...

HUGE

ARK

It doesn't matter which way she meant it. That she vocalized it to her is what is important here, and the manner. It all screams bad news.

This was directed at all of the ladies that come here. I think they get so scared and confused they begin doubting themselves (as do alot of the men). However, I believe that women in particular are much stronger at gauging the state of the relationship. So, I made that statement to hopefully scare this particular poster into action. This is a secretary that has worked for him for 10 YEARS. I'm sorry, but that is 8-10 hours A DAY of time around each other. It wouldn't take much for a person to work herself into a man's mind if she had this much time with him. This is why I'm taking the tone I am.

If she is really glaring at you AND if an affair is in progress, it's because your H has made you out to be an Ogre. Unfortunately, this jives with the prior "unappreciated" statements. Very typical affair behavior. Wayward souses HAVE to belittle their faithful spouses to justify their actions.

Do you have acquaintences at their workplace whom you can ask questions? Get more information?

What do you know about this other woman? Married?

WAT

rookkev...

I disagree it it automatically screamse bad news...

only with the thought that I think my husband is underappreciated at work...not in some great conspiracy way..

but in the way he really cares about his job...which makes it harder as we all know when you deal with others who dont care...

if I were to go to work and an employee were to say hes really underappreciated...infact maybe she said THAT since his MANAGER was standing there as well....

I would need to clarify exactly in what way....

Im just seeking clarification...

Im not weighing in yet...

ARK

Those are the things that stand out to me. SHE CAME TO HER WORK AND CONFRONTED HER, AT CHRISTMAS. Why in the world would a secretary confront the boss's wife, at her place of employment, about her husband being underappreciated at work? Uhm, no, I don't think so. Those are the notes you include with the christmas plate...actually, the secretary would probably be out of line for saying something of that fashion at all. It's not her place to say something like that...for her to say that would mean she is aware of how much money the guy makes... as that is how employers are supposed to show appreciation for jobs, monetary compensation.

I'm just saying I'm on high alert from what we've been told so far.

Well see I can see me having a co-worker who I admire for their WORK...male or female to be honest..

AND
I can see me....(not always one to hold the best social graces....)
saying to a spouse at chritmas party..

your spouse is surely underappreciated....

maybe expecially if MANAGER is right there as well..

nudge nudge wink wink....

she may have played it very very well...
it may have been a stab at the manager...

secretaries...may be privvy to hard working employees...

may be...
may be...

see I can see me doing that..

zing to the manager...
cheers to my co-worker...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL..
ps pass some more egg-nog...

ARK

also we humans use the words confronted way too much...

when one is confronted with an issue...usually there is really NO doubt what was meant...

ARK

I agree with Rookkev on this one...My intuition told me that my H was involved was leading a double life, and involved with someone...he covered his tracks so well, and denied it everytime I mentioned it and asked...if I had listened to my intuition, I would have discovered the A long before....

And if I had known about MB at the time, I would have definitely confronted the WS behavior that he was doing...without needed firm evidence...

And you know what, I HOPE I'M WRONG. In a few months, she can look back at this and laugh. If it's I'm right, unfortunately it won't be anything so easy...

and why do you keep saying this was at a Christmas party. In that scenario, I would agree...it is a good time to try and pump up a co-workers' efforts. However, this is not the case. She came to her WORK. Not her work party...big difference.

I can tell ya now. If a guy came to me and said that about my wife, I would not just sit back and smile. Knowing what I know now, me and that guy would probably be having a discussion through jail room bars.

Listen to me my H had a co-worker she was M also. His mother died and he did not come to me for comfort but her. His kids hurt him the deepest way possible he again went to her. I would talk to this woman next time she shows up tat your job. It may not be an A with your H but hse is going the wrong way with this either way. Talk to your H but be careful as mine just went deeper. You might want to go to lunch a few times with him -drop by his ofrfice a few times. Say HI to her pleasantly. Listen we women know when another woman glares at us -my H never picks up on that either. It is something another woman picks up on and we know the look. So go for it nhow and end things now or you'll be like me.

Devoted,

Why did the secretary come to your job? Was it specifically to talk to you the first time, or was there a legitimate reason for her to be at your workplace?/

Same question for the second time she was at your job? And why would she not acknowledge you in a civil manner if she was so concerned about how your H was not being appreciated...If she came up to you the first time out of a legitimate concern, why would she not come over to you the second time?

As for the glare, realtor is right...my H was having a secret PA with a coworker...No one at work knew about it...He was joking around with 2 male and 1 female coworkers on break time, and the OW glared at him as she walked by...the female coworker said to him, "She is giving you a look like she is your wife...is there something going on with you two?!" The male coworkers were oblivious to it. He, of course, got the look and the meaning all too well.

Devoted, protect yourself and talk to your H...