I've mentioned recently that my WW, or can I now say FWW? Anyway, my WW left me a message about two weeks ago telling me she cut off all contact with the OM. I was grateful for this and never pushed it after that.

However, after asking her what prompted it, she said that she knew I was going to send him a letter as well as his parents, exposing the A and she cut it all off in order to keep me from sending those letters.

Granted, I got what I wanted out of it, mainly her NC, but does anyone think her motivation may eventually be an issue? I would have rather her started the NC because she wanted to come back and knew it was the right thing to do.


Just curious,

FN

FN, speaking as an FWW, my opinion is that it's an example of threatened exposure working. It tells me that she's still protecting him though.

NC for me was because the OM ended the A. As I've said before on here, not a good start for recovery. But we're recovered now and have been for 18 months.

I think that once NC is established, for whatever reason, you have a fighting chance of recovering your marriage. In fact without NC there isn't a hope. I can't stress that too strongly.

FN -

I understand your concern. I eventually stopped pushing for the NC letter because I felt there would be little to no value in it if my wife didn't do it of her own free will.

However, it sounds like your wife decided on NC freely. Yes, she (probably) did it to protect OM, but she didn't have to. Just as you did not make your wife have an affair, you did not make her go NC. All you did was take actions to protect yourself, your family and your marriage. It was up to your wife how she reacted to your actions.

I guess what I'm saying is that while her reasons may for NC may not have been what you would have ideally wanted, don't let her throw the responsibility back on your shoulders. You didn't make her go NC. You merely set some boundaries in place with firm consequences.

As Jen said, the reason for NC isn't important. It's the existence and continuation of NC. I wish you continued luck in your fight and will keep you in my prayers.

Sort of what your saying is this:

I want you to come home, but, only if you love me and only me and there is no exceptions to that and you have no doubts and you want to have crazy sex with me the instant you come in the door and you will never have another thought about the OM anytime and when I ask you a question you will always give me the perfect answer right up front.

Of course, I exaggerated that some...but, see what I mean. I know you are analyzing everything. Sometimes you gotta stop that, and think about what you are doing.

However, I think you should still reveal this to the OM's Family, and by family, I would say his wife. I'm guessing he's married....do you know either way? Perhaps that is the real reason she is afraid of exposure. I would focus on that side of things. Explain to her that for you to get to the point where you will ALLOW her back, she must disclose information you need and that you have conditions that must be met. One of those is the NC letter, and that you have the opportunity to inform the OM's wife. (Once again, I know that is an assumption, but, just going with my gut on that one.)

-hang in there

As long as your exposure letters are replaced by a NC letter, it doesn't matter.

Hint: don't throw those exposure letters away just yet.

And DO NOT hint to her again that you will send them if needed.

Be careful! The next clue of contact, launch the nuke.

WAT

Exactly, they're waiting in the wings to go out again if needed.

And he's not married. The family I would send them to would be his parents. Seems he comes from a pretty tight knit Christian family and I know if I had an A with another man's wife, my father and mother would kick my ****! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

What really gets me is that she told him I was going to send the letter to his parents and he got pretty pissed. Was upset that I'd drag his family into this. Funny though, how he had such little consideration for mine while he did my W.

See, hehe, now I want to send the letters out of spite <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

FN

Well, I'm probably out of line here, but...

Personally, I struggle with just accepting from a WS that NC is in place. I totally agree that an NC letter has to be sent...but...in order for the BS to have any chance of recovery, they need to have something to SHOW them that NC is in place.

My worry in your situation friend is that she TOLD you that she sent an NC letter, based on the premise that it would keep you from exposing the affair. She's offered no EVIDENCE of NC, no way for you to BELIEVE that this is the case. I see it as even more important that she prove NC to you in some fashion given the fact that the only reason she agreed to NC was to keep you from exposing the A further and actively working to end the A.

Bluntly...how do you feel about trusting what she's TOLD you?

Your recovery is your own...if you're comfortable, then by all means do not let me disrupt that. Just trying to provide another viewpoint. My wife "told" me that NC was in place repeatedly...but it wasn't until I caught them emailing and forced the issue did it stick. When she knew that there was no way that they could continue without me getting caught.