My story...hmmm..what an embarassment.

I am a passionate, creative, giving woman and have continued to allow my WS to suck me dry. What is my problem?

Just found out that he approached OW in grocery store last week, obtained her phone number, met her after work back in the parking lot for an hour, had 2 phone conversations since then and has sent her multiple text messages, most of which she read to me and make me extremely sick! I'm getting pretty good at finding these things out and my natural knowing that it is occuring has been right on each time. I do believe that there are probably others that I have not discovered because I have chosen not to put my energy there for short periods of time, but hence, we are where we are AGAIN today.

Once yet again, he begs me to stay, don't leave him, I'm the only one who can go through this with him. Hmmm...

I have 3 children (2 grown) living in the house with us. I'm working on my plan....is it Plan A, is it Plan B, is it a hybrid. Is it Plan C??? Whatever that is!!!

I'm rambling out of frustration because I know that there are others in here who can completely identify with my situation.

PLEASE TALK TO ME...PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INSIGHT!!! PLEASE SHAKE ME FROM THIS FOG THAT HAS ENCIRCLED ME AND CAUSED ME TO FEEL STUCK - AGAIN!!!

Hmm.

The children, grown? Married only 4 years... there is alot more story there. Who was married b4? What happened?

Hi onlyUcan,

I'm sorry to see you here under these circumstances again.

You know I'm very familiar with your story.

He's a repeat offender. That would be the very last straw for me. He's had more chances than ANYONE deserves. You KNOW this.

I'd kick him out today and start D proceedings. I'm very serious.

I'm leaving now for the weekend, I wish I could more supportive. Please take care of yourself. Really, this time! - Dru

We both were married before. I have 3 children 20/18/11 that live with us. He has 2 children 12/11 that live with their mom.

We met on the Internet. And looking back, I was just another OW in his life of so many. However, he chose to marry me and come into my life as a predator and take, take, take.

The thing is that I love this man. I love him with all my heart. I see the beauty in him and the goodness in him. So is that my crutch?

Dru,
I was hoping I would see you here. He is a REPEAT offender. Is there no real hope or chance with someone like this???

What is wrong with me?

Are you really an OW? Did this marriage start off as an affair? I'm not trying to take a shot at you. HOnestly, that was the final question I had in my original post, and I editied it out because I thought I was just jumping to a bad conclusion.

If all of that is true. I would have to agree, this is a dog that ain't gonna learn a new trick. Try to salvage things for yourself and move forwards.

When I met him and we were dating, he was dating OW too. I had no idea. He came to stay with me in my town for a week and never left. We married 6 months later. I started to find out about the OW the week before we got married, I'm sure that's why he rushed me to elope. I'd been married once before for many years and didn't care if it was just the two of us at the wedding.

Since then, he has continued to have OW in his life. From what I know, there has not been any physical interaction, just emotional.

I'm sure the ones that he was talking to when he came to live with me and telling them he was going to marry them consider me an OW. And maybe I am, but I'm the one stuck with this situation and living in it while they have moved on.

Let's try to take him out of this...

What about your first marriage. What happened there?

Married to an abusive alcoholic. I was 16 when I met him, 18 when I had his first child and 19 when I married him. Had 2 more children with him. Stayed married for 14 years.

So, it sounds like you were getting divorced when you met your current husband? Or were you already divorced?

Either way, I don't think you have evere been 'alone' as an adult. I gotta be honest, I think you have some things going on that I'm just not the person capable of helping you with. I know there are some very good people in here, dealing with things that you have stated in that simple post you just made.

I gotta say, you can make it through this, and come out 'better'.

-hang in there

Thank you for your comments. I was only divorced a year before getting with my current husband. I didn't plan to marry so soon, but it ended up that way. I think I am a people pleaser and allowed him to manipulate me as I have continued to do so.

((( Onlyucan )))

What would you do if you were not afraid ??


I can not take credit for that line. BobPure a very wise man (miss you Bob !!) said that once to me and it hit me right between the eyes... The truth hurts, like....

My very best to you, keep posting...

carnation

Your username pretty much says it all,
OnlyUcan change the dynamic of your M and your life.
Do you seriously believe that this is the life that God intended for you? When He said " I come to bring you life and to bring it you abundantly" do think that is what He had in mind for your life?
God hates divource, but even in saying that, he has made an exception for poor souls such as yourself, in that he will excuse the one who has to put up with continued and unrepentant unfaithfulness.
IT IS NOT THE LIFE HE WANTS YOU TO HAVE. HE LOVES YOU TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT.
And so, alas, OnlyUcan decide what you must do from this point. In your suffering, know that we all out here in MB cyberspace feel your pain and are ready to uphold in support your in whatever you decide is best, at this point.
All blessings,
Jerry

OnlyU-

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

May I ask how you got in contact with the OW??? Did she contact you and tell you about their contact??

I question her motives, because if she did not wish to be involved in this, she wouldn't have given him her phone number.

Have you confronted him about this???

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi only U,

You've got two issues here.

1) OnlyU is vunerable to bad men.
2) Mr.OnlyU is a bad man.

It's going to take awhile to sort out and solve #1. I'm sure you have many ideas as to why you are vunerable. We can work through this.

#2 is much easier. Bad man must leave. He's proven time anad time and time again that he will not change. Every time he promises, everytime it happens again.

Dont worry about #1 right now... You have to take care of #2 before you can start working on #1. It will be so very good for you, so empowering... it's going to feel good to do the right thing. That will lead to some greatly needed self-esteem and confidence. This stuff builds on itself.

You would not believe where I'm posting from... I just wanted to check on you. Please... take.... care.... of... yourself! - Dru

Thanks to all for taking the time to share with me, even those that don't know me.

Dru - you made me laugh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

carnation2,
Thanks for the question. When I sent my best friend a text message that simply said, "he did it again", she called me up immediately and said - "you are not your situation, you are only your reaction". That has assisted me as well.

I'm starting to feel better today (Monday). I used my Xanax to make it past the most difficult moments. Believe it or not, I've been off my anti-depressant since December, thinking that the worse was over. I'm not going back on them though.

shinethrough,
No accident I chose this name - OnlyUcan. I believe it's a message to myself. Although I know this is not the life God intended for me, I'm struggling with "enduring" and doing my part for this man. I know in my heart that I have endured and he has acknowledged that as well. My current prayers are to take him from my life as quickly as possible if he is not meant to be here and our time together is done.

CarenMc,
I call it the "sick" sense. My inner knowing tells me when he is acting out. And each time I follow up on it, I find the evidence. He was in the shower, I looked at his phone, I saw a "goodnight" message to OW. I called her phone, left a message, she called me back the next day and said the same story that each of them have said - "he said he wasn't married". For the record, he had many OW in his life when he met me, he was an Internet junkie (putting it nicely). He continued to have contact with those OW for several years into our M - lots of ugly stuff. Some of them he had not met in person, but some he had and had sexual relations with them before he met me. He has had 2 inappropriate relationships with OW that he did not know before he met me that involved telephone and text message and in person flirting. The first one went on for about a month and this last one for a week. He has also played games on his phone that allow "chatting" and has had telephone conversations with at least 2 OW in that regard as well that I know about.

This last OW called me back and apologized profusely and said "woman to woman", I will not be talking to him again. My heart felt that she was telling the truth. I don't think she was in it long enough for him to get his hooks into her, she actually thought he was kind of weird. (good grief)

Dru-

You are absolutely right!!!! (as usual)
#1 is what has been coming up for me as well. I've been doing alot of processing about that. I get where it comes from (rejection from father, abuse from ex-husband, etc.), but more importantly is what I am choosing now.

I have come a long way, believe it or not. This time, I did not take it personal that I was not good enough or that he "cared" for this OW more than he does me. I have stepped out of it and am standing on the sidelines seeing that this is not about me and never has been.

He is begging me to give him another chance, broken record, I know. In the past, I have allowed him to make me feel like he will just go back to his old life and never look back and it's my job to "rescue" him. I am over that. I truly know that it is not my job, my duty, nor my business to be rescuing or fixing anyone!! That is God's role.

He went to our Bishop on Sunday and told him everything, including the pornography. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that above in my response to Caren about how he acts out. He removed PPV from our TV permanently and wrote me a committment statement. All of this of his own accord. Of course he's had coaching all along because I've contniued to stay and plant the seeds. He also told my brother, the one he loves and respects the most. He told him all of it, including the incident a few years back when he broke my arm. I know that was huge for him because he has always hidden behind being the "cool" guy that he thinks he is.

I say this because what I get from this experience this time is that although we are "in this together", we are having 2 different experiences. You have identified them perfectly as #1 and #2 above.

Taking this day by day, I am committed to keep working on me. I know that may require that he leaves and he is prepared to do that, if necessary. He did say that this time he would do whatever it takes to get me back. In the past, like I stated before, he has made me feel that he wouldn't look back. I know that sounds really lame, but it was a monumental moment for me.

I will continue to check in. The support I get from here has always served me well!

I never knew he broke your arm. Please make this man leave.


You are right. But take it further. While the OW's could have been anyone, so could have YOU.... You, as a person, are not important to him. He's not capable of loving anyone... not you, not anyone. He just wants to be a player, and being with you enables his lifestyle choice. It's the only thing he's been consistant at.

I'm not impressed that he confessed to the Bishop. I think he's still being manipulative. Even if he's 100% honest, he still needs YEARS of work... he's not going to become monogamous overnight. You've already given him YEARS, it hasnt helped. Please do not waste another year on this man.

Are you going to find an IC? That would be so great for you, right now. Please be careful - Dru

I e-mailed COSA and found several meetings in the surrounding area of where I live. I'm going to attend those meetings. I am also involved with a training group that works on the spiritual inner self that has assisted me alot too.

I threw a stool at him in a heated argument about my daughter and he threw it back and broke my arm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It was ugly all the way around.

I know that I sound like a broken record and I know that I have invested alot of years in this man. I'm listening....it may not seem like it, but I am.

My friend and I have been reading a book called "How to Hug a Porcupine!" It's about toxic people. What I have learned in this book is how toxic I am, not just some of the people around me.

Not having a plan is toxic! I have been fearful of a plan because it would make me face up, step up and take action. I just completed the plan and e-mailed it to my friend. It has a ripple effect to it. It's very similar to a Plan B plan, but it's the action steps for ME, along with the Plan B letter for him.

Hi OnlyU,

Sorry, I just your posts.

Have you asked him to leave? What has happened since the OW called you?

You have too many BAD YEARS invested in this man. End results is not a good relationship, end results have been a wholy unstable relationship. Your inventments (no matter how long) can NEVER fix this man (or any man).

Look, you've got a lot of work to do, but dont get hung up on the word 'toxic'. That just doesnt seem right (I've read about toxic people, too).

{{{{{{{{{onlyUcan}}}}}}}}}}}} Please be careful! - Dru