OK, my IC recomended I start attending Divorce Care. Can anyone tell me much about it?


Basically, I told him that I still held out hope that some way, in the end, my marriage would be saved. I just can't imagine life without stbxw in it. Even though I use "stbxw", the reality of her being XW is not 100% there.
He said that I am "100% getting a divorce. And if I think otherwise I am not living in reality". He said Divorce Care will help me let go and move on emotionaly.


As I was greiving the acceptence that the final nail is in the coffin for my marriage, stbxw was irritated with me because I acted withdrawn and not very cheery yesterday, less than 24hrs after IC really forcefully ripped any hope away from me. She said even though we are divorcing, can't you still care for me? I told her that right now I still love her as a spouse and a mate. I need time to let that love go, and grieve its passing, before I can let a friendship type love be there between us. I just don't think she understands how difficult that is for me to work through.


I don't know how others are, but for me, to work through it, I need to shut off my emotions for her entirely for the time being. That is not to mean that I will be mean or negative in any way. When I shut down emotionaly I take on a very flat affect. The problem is, she takes that as being pissed off or mad.


I am just searching for a way to end the spouse / mate love I feel for her so that I can effectively have the friend / familial type love for her that she deserves and that I will need in the future to maintain a good relationship with her.


The problem is, I have no idea how to do this. How to I end the spouse / mate love without using negative feelings to do it?


I am at a loss, because it is something that every fiber of my being does not want to do, but I know that I have to.


Does anyone get what I am saying? Does anyone understand my struggle in this? Does anyone have experience with Divorce Care and could it benefit me in this need to let go of one type of love and develope another type for stbxw?


I am seriously struggling with this and I don't want it to be an openly negative experience that adversely affects the kids and her as I work through it.


Suggestions?

Tired Dad,

I, too, was told to go to this class. And I am the same as you, I dont know how to be JUST a friend to my WH right now. I dont know if that is even possible for me.
WH says he will always love and care about me....I dont know if I can.

I totally know what you are saying and wish I had answers for you. But know that you are not the only one to feel this way.

Blessings,
Katie

I too would like to know about Divorce Care. What is it?

There is a website for it... i think it is www.divorcecare.com You can look it up and find one in your local area. It is a series of classes, I believe, that will help you understand the process, emotional, financial... I was cautioned by my councilor, not to get too caught up in the "war stories". That it would do more harm than good.

If you have small children, there is a class for them as well.... at least there is at the one offered here.

I hope that helps.
Katie

*** Post deleted based on new POJA related to feeling uneasy if I were to post on message boards where some responses are from either sex, also guessing spouse would feel disrespected if private family concerns were posted ***

Why in the world would you want to be friends with her? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Does she exhibit any of the characteristics you look for in a friend? Wanting to be friends is classic WS. You need to tell her point blank you have no interest in being her friend, only in being her Husband. Right now she feels she has that to fall back on to. Agreeing to be her friend means you accept her choices. You can't control her, but you can control how you respond to her. That is why Plan B works so well. It shows the WS what life is like with out the BS in it. They don't get to go have their A and still have a friendship with the BS. I understand you have children and for that you need to be cordial and respectful towards your WW, but you DO NOT need to be her friend.

kloe - T_D's WW is, by all accounts, a FWW. The affair has been over for months, but they have really had a hard time struggling with recovery.

I think a more accurate description is that we failed at recovery. We are going to get a divorce.


So, I am struggling to figure out how to make the divorce as minimally painful for my children, stbxw, and myself.


I am honestly so afraid that it is going to be devastating for my children. Not entirely in the short term, but also over the course of their childhood, and even throughout their entire lives.


BUT, it IS going to happen, so I need to do what I can to lessen the pain for everyone. And to do that effectively I need to be able to manage my emotions towards stbxw, both positive and negative.


I understand what kloe is saying. It is niave to think that I will have a freind type realtionship with sxbxw after the D. We will interact on matters pertaining to the kids and that is it.