I was separated in 2000 and got divorced in 2004. We had been living separately and as if we were divorced since 2000. My concern is that I have become such an unhappy and bitter person since all of this. He cheated on me, lied about money, moved out of state, etc. etc. etc. However, I have moved on, been to counseling, was on anti-depressants,etc. I dated someone for two years but he was also unhappy and divorced and I think we just fed off of each others bitterness. Now, I am dating someone that is wonderful, happy, positive, etc. I should be happy but I am still a grouch. It seems I can't get past it and I know it will ruin this relationship. I already see his sunny personality changing because he knows I am always in a bad mood or pissed. How can I get past this and change my attitude??

Well, this might sound simplistic but don't focus on the negative. If you have your health, a job with enough money to live, family you love & that love you, a SO with a good disposition then appreciate that.

Identify why you're "always in a bad mood or pissed". Only you can make the changes needed to be happy. It is a choice.

I was angry and bitter-- for a long time after DDay. I saw who I became and didn't like myself at all. Sometimes, my anger would spill to my place of work, and it that was really bad because I didn't want to have a bad reputation at work.

A friend gave me this advice which worked wonderfully: when my anger is building and just for that short two seconds before I explode, think of Jesus. Think of Jesus sitting next to me and how appalled He would be if He saw my behaviour and hear my biting tongue. Ooo, I stopped.

mo, pray and ask God to help you... you can't enter His kingdom all bitter and unhappy... ask Him to help you let that go. (You don't want to see other grouchy sour souls in heaven either, do ya?)

mo, I can't change the past. I can't change my stbxWH. But I can change me.

I want to be someone I admire, and I want to be happy.

The former is an achievement: I plan little projects for me throughout the year, I work on myself. The latter takes just as much work... I am greateful for all I have, God has blessed me even when my M was a sham... AND, most importantly of all, I stay away from things that makes me majorly unhappy: stbxWH. Let the past go, mo. You won't be happy if you hang on to the past and expect something from people who have hurt us. Sometimes we just have to do our own healing alone.

And remember, we are the responsible for our own happiness. Not someone else.

Love life, mo. It is all we have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

PS sorry if I sound preachy and all... but God was the only thing that helped me.

mocity, A wise man on the infidelity parts of the website is fond of saying "being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". I think it's a good point.

In Peace Is Every Step, Thich Nhat Hanh wrote:
Nourishing Healthy Seeds

Consciousness exists on two levels: as seeds and as manifestations of these seeds. Suppose we have a seed of anger in us. When conditions are favorable, that seed may manifest as a zone of energy called anger. It is burning, and it makes us suffer a lot. It is very difficult for us to be joyful at the moment the seed of anger manifests. Every time a seed has an occasion to manifest itself; it produces new seeds of the same kind. If we are angry for five minutes, new seeds of anger are produced and deposited in the soil of our unconscious mind during those five minutes. That is why we have to be careful in selecting the kind of life we lead and the emotions we express. When I smile, the seeds of smiling and joy have come up. As long as they manifest, new seeds of smiling and joy are planted. But if I don't practice smiling for a number of years, that seed will weaken, and I may not be able to smile anymore.

There are many kinds of seeds in us, both good and bad. Some were planted during our lifetime, and some were transmitted by our parents, our ancestors, and our society. In a tiny grain of corn, there is the knowledge, transmitted by previous generations, of how to sprout and how to make leaves, flowers, and ears of corn. Our body and our mind also have knowledge that has been transmitted by previous generations. Our ancestors and our parents have given us seeds of joy, peace, and happiness, as well as seeds of sorrow, anger, and so on.

Every time we practice mindful living, we plant healthy seeds and strengthen the healthy seeds already in us. Healthy seeds function similarly to antibodies. When a virus enters our bloodstream, our body reacts and antibodies come and surround it, take care of it, and transform it. This is true with our psychological seeds as well. If we plant wholesome, healing, refreshing seeds, they will take care of the negative seeds, even without our asking them. To succeed, we need to cultivate a good reserve of refreshing seeds.

One day, in the village where I live, we lost a very close friend, a Frenchman who helped us considerably in setting up Plum Village. He had a heart attack and died during the night. In the morning we learned of his passing. He was such a gracious person, and he gave us a lot of joy every time we spent a few minutes with him. We felt that he was joy and peace itself. The morning we found out about his death, we regretted very much that we had not spent more time with him.

That night, I couldn't sleep. The loss of a friend like him was so painful. But I had to deliver a lecture the next morning, and I wanted to sleep, so I practiced breathing. It was a cold, winter night, and I was lying in bed visualizing the beautiful trees in the yard of my hermitage. Years before, I had planted three beautiful cedars, a variety from the Himalayas. The trees are now very big, and, during walking meditation, I used to stop and hug these beautiful cedars, breathing in and out. The cedars always responded to my hugging, I am sure of it. So I lay in bed, and just breathed in and out, becoming the cedars and my breath. I felt much better, but still I couldn't sleep. Finally I invited into my consciousness the image of a delightful Vietnamese child named Little Bamboo. She came to Plum Village when she was two years old, and she was so cute that everyone wanted to hold her in their arms, especially the children. They didn't let Little Bamboo walk on the ground ! Now she is six years old, and holding her in your arms, you feel very fresh, very wonderful. So I invited her to come up into my consciousness, and I practiced breathing and smiling on her image. In just a few moments, I fell soundly asleep.

Each of us needs a reserve of seeds that are beautiful, healthy, and strong enough to help us during difficult moments. Sometimes, because the block of pain in us is so big, even though a flower is right in front of us, we cannot touch it. At that moment, we know that we need help. If we have a strong storehouse of healthy seeds, we can invite several of them to come up and help us. If you have a friend who is very close to you, who understands you, if you know that when you sit close to her, even without saying anything, you will feel better, then you can invite her image up into your consciousness, and the "two" of you can "breathe together." Doing just this may be a big help in difficult moments.

But if you have not seen your friend in a long time, her image may be too weak in your consciousness to come easily to you. If you know that she is the only person who can help you reestablish your balance and if your image of her is already too weak, there is only one thing to do: buy a ticket and go to her, so that she is with you not as a seed, but as a real person.

If you go to her, you have to know how to spend the time well, because your time with her is limited. When you arrive, sit close to her, and right away you will feel stronger. But you know that soon you will have to return home, so you have to take the opportunity to practice full awareness in each precious moment while you are there. Your friend can help you re-establish the balance within you, but that is not enough. You yourself must become strong inside, in order to feel all right when you are alone again. That is why, sitting with her or walking with her, you need to practice mindfulness. If you don't, if you just use her presence to ameliorate your suffering, the seed of her image will not become strong enough to sustain you when you return home. We need to practice mindfulness all the time so that we plant healing, refreshing seeds in ourselves. Then, when we need them, they will take care of us.

It is - decision; you want to spend the rest of your life as a grouch, or being sunny happy.

Also, acceptance.
That you are not perfect, that you made mistakes/poor choices, that you were made fool of, that life wasn't fair, and that between either to be all of that again or never be happy again - you choose to be happy at any cost you might pay again (everything has a price, anyway, being grouch and bitter even a higher one!) so why not to pay it for own happiness...)

... that decision and that acceptance worked for me...

Maybe it's fear.....You aren't going to let anybody get too close because you're not going to be taken advantage of again. To keep the distance it's sometimes easier to be grumpy and irritable rather than depressed and immobile.

You may hold onto your bitterness and bad temperment so no one will want to be around you...so no one can abandon or betray you ever again.

Mo,

Have you ever tried praying for your WH? I mean deep prayer where you truly pray for him???

You may find that this brings you some peace that you can find it in your heart to pray for someone that hurt you so terribly.

You just can't turn the hurt off. It takes time and effort. Probably most of us here still deal with it. But when I find the strength to pray for my WW, I feel a little better about things.

There are no easy answers to all of this madness my friend....

Keith