Hi am married for the last 8 years and no kids.we both are in early thirties.my husband has been having affair for one year three months.i have met and fought with other woman in front of my husband but shes not leaving.my husband has told her that am not divorcing him at any cost and i dont want to stay with him.

my husband has also told the world we might be divorcing and told all lies that we separated in between twice whereas we never left each other for a day also.

theres conflicting news in the office.

i have not been having sex with him for 1 year.
hes having an affair by being with her 24 hours.
he celebrates all occassions with her.
has introduced her to his parents.

I have asked him "do you want to stay with me or that girl"?
he says he wants to stay with me but he will correct everything once we leave this place and look for a new job.

He says he cannot solve his affair by staying in same place where ow is also working.he keeps promising me that we will be leaving this place forever and then he will become a nice boy.

i gave him ultimatum and said if you not solving,i will be leaving.he said ok i can leave <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

His actions are not matching with his words.he is leading separate ,private life.we are just staying as roommates.

Last night i kicked him out of the house,he stayed in the car till morning 5.he came back home and slept.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??HOW CAN I MAKE THIS AFFAIR STOP?

Have you read "surviving an Affair"? Any of the infidelity FAQ's on this site? That's where you need to start.

There is always hope right up to the divorce and even beyond in some circumstances.

Make full use of the free resources available to all on this site.

Do as BK suggested. Here's more:

1. Get yourself a plan.
a. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr W. Harley.
b. Read Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson
c. Take the emotional needs questionnaire in the concepts section above.

2. Call Steve Harley @ MB to help you solidify your plan. He will do his counseling via phone.

3. Secure your finances.
4. Check out your D options. Not to use, just to know.
5. Expose to all.

Your WS is babbling to you to keep you as his 2nd option. It appears he has no plans to leave the OW.

Don't fight with the OW. It fuels the A. Instead learn to undermine the A with various techinques. These are tools already at your disposal. Some of them are:

A. Exposure - work, family, friends, neighbors. Plan this carefully.
B. Background check on the OW.
C. Reverse babble - this is where you learn NOT to take the WS' guilt.
D. Understand you must fix yourself first. Strengthen yourself and then you w/b ready to tackle the stupid A.
E. Know the OW is no match for you.
F. Know the OW doesn't just want the Ws, she wants you and your title.
G. Don't grovel to the WS.
H. Identify your boundaries and implement them.
I. Learn to LB from afar. This means you can create love busting scenarios which will make the A misterable. You can have fun with this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
J. Learn to know when you are speaking to your H vs the WS. Learn how to speak to each.....read the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley to learn how to skillfully communicate with men vs women and then apply it with the twist of speak to the WS vs your H.
K. Create you personal support group. C/b neighbors, family, co-workers, pets, anyone or anything which will help you in a time of need.
L. Learn how you body copes w/stress and understand how to handle anxiety attacks. Each person is different.
M. Go to the doctor for A. D. (anti-depressant) meds if needed or check out your health food store options.
N. The 'A' diet may take it's toll on you. Learn to pamper yourself.
O. Read my link about the 5 stages of grieving. It will help you know what is ahead for you.

P. Don't be afraid to stand up to the WS. Don't let the WS give you guilt nor let him push you into manipulating the A.

Is that enough to start? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Big kahuna,orchid i have read all the advise and its not applying on my husband.He has told me to wait till we move out as soon as he gets a job.He does not call me whole day.

He has told me to do whatever i want to.He is not bothered what i do whole day,where i go and with whom.

I got so angry at him,i threw all his clothes gifted from OW and all his important official papers.

He is not ready to move out and theres no probblem in divorce.we dont want to fight a case so its always going to be mutual.

SHOULD I GO AND TELL HIS AFFAIR TO HIS ALL BOSSES AND GET HIM FIRED?IF I COMPLAIN HE WILL LOSE HIS JOB AND BE ON ROAD.

SAME I CAN GET THE OTHER WOMAN LOSE HER JOB BY COMPLAINING ABOUT HER TO HER BOSS.

THEY BOTH WILL BE IN JAIL.

SHOULD I DO THIS?

can i call my husband two,three times in a day?
he never calls me.

The way to stop the affair and save your marriage is to EXPOSE the affair. The reason this has gone on so long is because you have kept their secret. Exposure is RUINOUS to affairs. Expose to their bosses, their parents, close friends, children, every key person who would have an impact them.

In the meantime, get into Plan A and stop your lovebusting. Do your best to meet his needs and attract him back. Get the books that were suggested above and read the link in my signature.

How u expose is important. Not sure why you think your case is different than the rest. I haven't seen evidence of that.....yet.

As for his job, you can ask if it is company policy to allow R's in the workplace that jepordize family's?!?!?! Raise the questions and let htem figure it out.

BTW what is OW's stuff to your Ws dong in your home?

Throwing out important papers....is that wise?

Be smart with your moves. Don't make life changind decisions with an irrational state of mind.

L.

Hi melodylane and orchid

I did expose the affair in the office and to his family.In his office he told everybody that he is divorcing me and all lies about seperation and divorce is in process.so he has taken validity to have an affair.
His family said "Fine our son is a cheater.so why do you want to stay with him.Divorce him.you should not stay with a cheater,divorce and get married again."
everybody is supporting him or just not bothered to stop him.
I think if i go and tell his boss,he will say ,divorce him and sort out his issues.i did expose and he got very angry,he said if i talk about his affair once more,he will not talk to me and will create a ****** for me so be warned.

So i thought instead of exposing and creating problem for myself,its better i make him sit down and ask "do you want to stay with me or her?"
he says he wants to stay with me but hes stuk up with this situation of ow in his life.

once it gets sorted out,he will be the like he was.
whenever i touch his affair he says he feels bad for ditching ow.what is her fault in this.it was our bad marriage and he went to her for marriage,she happily agreed and now i want to stay with you because i realised i love you.now i dont know how to leave that poor ow.
WHAT SHOULD I ANSWER TO HIM WHEN HE SAYS HE HAS DITCHED OW BECAUSE HE WANTS TO STAY WITH ME.
look at his sick actions-he wants to stay with me.

if i expose am sure he will divorce me because he will be insulted and his reputation will be damaged.so to tell the whole world he will divorce me and marry ow.everybody will say "oh their marriage was scrwed up so he had an affair and what a nice guy he married this woman.
SO AFFAIR WAS NOT BAD,IT WAS VALIDATED.

orchid ow gave him so many gifts from after shave bottles,shirts,ties,teddy bear and so many other things.
i threw some of them outa house,he was asking me about his shirts,i told him i threw them.he said please now dont throw the rest.

regarding his official papers,i threw them in anger.now am repenting.what should i do?he asks me about his papers,i say dont know.he said how come all your things are intact and my things are missing.
it was his lifetime achievement certificate,his appointment letters,degree certificates,birth certificates,his official emails,his lease agreement ,etc......

i threw all of them.

please help me.