Lost....you did really well.

I can relate to what you are saying....I treated my H very badly in our M prior to the A....I knew I was doing some things wrong, but did not know another way until I came to MB. I am now learning how to do things differently and old habits are hard to break...but I have a differently philosophy that helps guide me when I don't know exactly what to do.

MB helped me to look at myself and my role in our M. I did NOT see my H and I as a team. I saw myself as the reasonable, responsible one...that combined with me being the breadwinner resulted in me being like a parent to my H. I think I was setting him up to fail and disappointment me and he lived up to those expectations I had of him. He developed resentment towards me and he eventually just bailed from the relationship...who wants to be married to a the judge and the jailer. I took responsibility for the role that I took....once I forgave myself and started to learn new ways to be...we have been more of a team. He plays a major role in what we do and all of a sudden...he is reasonable and responsible.

Lost....I know that it hurts right now...but I heard her tell you some positive things. I heard them from my FWH also, but he could not trust me to do things differently...it took a long time and alot of persistence on my part to remained committed to making it better. As another poster, Spider, said to me....I was our marriage's only hope. You are in my prayers...stay strong...stay positive, even when you think you can't.....take a walk, treat yourself well, Lost. ss

Believer,

I have said those words... only time will reveal the changes in me as I know this cannot be done overnight, a week and not even a month. I must be strong and remain committed to unlearn the behaviors that has devastated this M... Councelling is helping me and trying to find the roots of my behavior... ugly or not... I MUST KNOW...

SS,

thanks for the wisdom.... your words give me hope as I press on day by day....

My mother is supposed to be coming to visit with us soon.... not a good idea right now and Im trying to think of ways tell her politely that this is not a good time..... WE don't want her involved in this AT ALL... she is very pushy and will only make things worse.. we both agree on this....

Call mom and tell her this is not a good time. Simple as that.

done.... guess its the simplest way..... thanks

Wow, that was quick. But no matter how wonderful my mom is, I would not have wanted her around while I was trying to recover my marriage. This stuff takes too much effort.

agreed.... I just got off the phone with her..... told her that timing was not good for us, plus I didn't want her to buy the plane tickets and get shafted on the deal.....

She said jut to let her know when was a good time.... she wasn't too inquisitive either... strange...

MIL just called ( she knows the sitch) and said that WW has a better attitude right now... not so angry... whatever that means. Her stress level is coming down is how I take it since she is away from home right now.....

MIL said that whatever Im doing seems to be working.... now that is a good sign...

Your best bet is to work hard on yourself right now. This day to day stuff of reacting to your wife's mood is not going to be helpful.

Figure out everything your wife complained about around the house and work on it.

I am...trying to focus on me and my behaviors... not beating myself up for past actions, just working on resolving issues within and pushing forward... Im not a bad person, I have learned bad behaviors that led to bad actions in my life that I no longer wish to continue to do... I have to tell myself these things to 'snap out of it' when I started putting blame on myself.... its tough, but I have to ....

Sometimes its seems like this is a good idea to me.... go to visit some friends out of state that I talk to weekly, but haven't seen in over a year. He and his wife are good friends and maybe it would be good for me to go... Im not sure...

Your thoughts? She says she needs space... needs to think... too much 'pressure' with me around at times....

Good idea or bad.... advice please... thanks

Lost - I don't know your story, but I can tell you that when a WS says anything like "I need space," it means "I need space to carry on my affair without you bugging me about it."

"Pressure?" Yeah, no kidding. It's tough to date your boyfriend when your husband just won't get out of the way.

Those are my thoughts.
Mulan

well... I understand that... but having a controlling behavior really puts a hinderence on things.... I need to 'let her go' and make her own decisions ( part of my healing process) I can no longer TRY TO CONTROL her and her actions as in the past.... its wrong....

Me going away may give her the 'space' she needs to think about what she is doing....

She just called me... 3rd time today... she is at the mall and wants to buy me some clothes... WHAT GIVES!?!?!