Sorry this is long. Background: Valentine's Eve I tried to reach WH. He did not answer cell. I called house where he is living. This "friend" whom I'll call Alice answered the phone and said he is not here. I said thank you and hung up.

The next day both of them were calling me non stop. I did not answer the phone. This seems to be a pattern we are stuck in. What bothers me is that WH is WH. He comes and goes as he pleases without any accountability for his whereabouts. When he tries to reach me though, I should answer the phone and let him/her know where I am. To me this is a one way street and I try to give him a taste of his own medicine.

It has been difficult for me to maintain this friendship with Alice. She is also his "therapist" that he talks to. Unless it is positive, she won't share his thoughts with me. But she expects me to share my thoughts with her, and tells me she won't tell him. Sometimes I can talk but sometimes I am resentful and don't want to share my feelings and have her counsel him based upon what I told her. She doesn't get this.

I sent her an email trying to explain why I didn't answer her calls. This is my email and her response.
ME:
I just wanted to drop you a line and say hello. I am not mad at you. You should know by now that this is not about you, it is about me and WH.

When I am upset and angry I need to withdraw. I need to calm myself and collect my thoughts. I know this is not your way and when someone won't talk to you, you persist in reaching them. This only upsets me more. The other night was between me and WH. What I want you to realize is this. His life is a secret to me. He spends Valentines Eve in a mysterious place (well I know where he is) but he can just claim "I was by myself, nowhere, doing nothing." As Dr. Phil says "Do you think I have stupid written on my forehead?"

Then the next day the two of you are tag team calling me nonstop. I will say this. You don't need to worry about me. I have people that check on me. When his life is an open book then mine will be. Until then I will choose when and if I want to speak with him.

Please remember, this is not about you so don't get in the middle. I love you Alice.

This is what I received back:

Morning, Got the letter. Just need to clarify a few things. First of all , your right this is you and WHs problem. You do forget the man lives here right now and I do feel like I am in the middle regardless of what you or he says. Someday, maybe I will explain a few things to you about the people that were on your side through this mess and thoughts about that. As they say.

All I will say is this will be a lesson learned and that I won't, from here on out try to contact you regardless. I am only sorry that you fell I am persistant and it just makes you mad. You go from being really down in the dumps to upbeat. Can't say I wouldn't, that is for sure. If you talked to any of your friends, they to would be upset if you did to them what you have been doing to me. Friends don't do this stuff. I know you're not stupid and I have told WH that over and over again. I am very hurt that you constantly keep doing this to me and I have been through this with you since the beginning. That is whats friends are for.

Maybe the people that you are talking don't mind the way you deal with this, ie contact them when you want or feel like talking. I do know where your coming from and your wish is granted.

Far as TAG TEAMING you, I don't always know when he is trying or has tried to get ahold of you so. That is garbage. I guess I can't say enough that friends don't do this to friends. If I did this to you,(shoe on the other foot) this being my problem, I would like to think that this would bother you to if I didn't answer the phone and all.

Another thing, you have not a clue the ****** i have said to him and how pissy he gets with me, but that is nor here nor there.

Don't tell me not to get in the middle, please he lives here and I am not stupid by any means. Like I said, maybe someday we will talk about it.

Gotta go to the dump and thanks for the insight. Have a great day.

Alice. One more thing: FRIENDS DO WORRY ABOUT FRIENDS. I do know now though, not to.
END

This is another thing that bothers me. My personality is so very low key and nonconfrontational. When I feel my back is pressed to the wall and I do vocalize my feelings, I feel like people come at me guns ablazing. I feel attacked. It almost reinforces to me it is better to keep it to yourself.

This email has me feeling really crummy. I just want to crawl back in bed. Maybe she is right and maybe I am treating her badly. But the only time I don't return her phone calls are when she steps in and starts calling me on my cell and at home persistantly after WH and I have had a blowout. She claims she is only doing it because she's concerned about me. I want some feedback.

Hi Shattered -

Sorry that you are having to deal with this from a friend....If you recall, it one of my mediators said some really awful and hurtful things to me. He is no longer my mediator and I have not really spoken to him since.

I really think when mutual friends try to get too much in the middle that it can ruin a friendship. Only time will tell between my and my "friend". It sounds like Alice cares about you both, if you wanted a "therapist" though you and WH would choose a MC, not a friend.

Perhaps you could tell Alice that you appreciate her concern and although WH is living with her(remember my WH lived with our mediator for a while) that you value her friendship and just think it best that she is not a "go-between" for you and WH. You know her intentions are good, but you just want to preserve the friendship(I don't know if it's too late for that...."

I know it is probably hard for Alice - she is probably hearing all kinds of stuff from your WH. I understand where you are coming from completely though.

Take care,

Kim

Thanks Kim. I do remember Charlie's shenanigans. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I like how you worded a comeback response for me. You said it well. Maybe I'll email again. I'm trying to learn and break old habits so I was worried that maybe she's right. She is a very strong woman and can be a little pushy. After the V Day incident I was hurt and upset. She has been asking me "You'd never give him another chance again right?" Things like that. That is why I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to answer those questions and I'm trying to go dark on him the next day and she calls and calls and calls.

But she won't ask him where he's been. Or so she tells me. Maybe she asks him but doesn't want to tell me. It is my opinion that she has too much power in the relationship between WH and I. I don't think she gets that.

Thanks for your response Kim, I really appreciate it. Take care.
S.

It sounds to me like she is trying to be a good friend to you, but doesn't understand the whole MB thing.

If he was not available on Valentine's Day, you can bet that he was with the OW.

I would double up on my activities and stay BUSY. Then when they call, you won't be there.

Shattered--
My H isn't living with anyone I know (he's in a small garage house on some land another teacher lives on--never been there) but I do know what it's like to have friends not understand that you might not want to be reached or feel like talking.

Heck, I even had my mom mad at me for a while when I didn't answer the phone.

When going through this crud, there are times when all I want to do is talk to my friends. And then there are times that I want to be a recluse. It's almost like I NEED to be alone. Sometimes, I know I'll just start crying if I answer the phone, so I don't).

I explained this to a few of my main supporters (including good ole mom) and I they understand. I think that's part of friendship--knowing when it's okay to speak your mind and when it's okay just to be still.

See, I see it like this. This IS about you and WH. Yes she is the go-between, but it is still YOUR problem. She doesn't live the real emotions of this--she may witness them, but she isn't in the storm herself. And that's a big difference. I think (and I'm no fan of entitlement) that you should be afforded some down time and right to privacy.

I kind of see a true friend as someone who can step back and not get hurt. Tell her to pull up her big girl panties (okay, I wouldn't say that, but it might work!)

One thing I tell my friends is to e-mail me if I can't be reached. I'm more sheltered behind the computer, and I don't have to share the raw emotions then. And then you can reply--i'm simply having a rough day. Please pray.

It's been great for me. And my friends don't take my lack of commuication with them personal anymore.

Bottom line--it's not about her.

On a side note--sorry about V-day. My WH called to tell me he couldn't see the boys until Sunday, and then ended the call with "for what it's worth, intexas, happy v-day!"
I swear they don't get it, do they?

Yep, wish I had limited Charlie's involvement to just business.....Hindsight, huh??

As usual, best wishes for you!!!

Kim

Believer, Thanks for responding. I guess I was upset because in a way there is some truth there. I suppose I haven't been the best friend this year, I don't have anything to give. I'm sucked dry. As I am trying to be open to changes I need to make I wanted to look at this objectively.

I know she doesn't get it. I have a family friend I talk to that has tried to call a few times and reach out to WH. WH doesn't return his calls. This friend doesn't push it. He says that's ok, I can take it, I'm not mad at him, I'm just trying to help. I was hoping she would take more of the approach.

Thanks so much for your input.
S.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!


I really like this idea.

Tex, thank you for all your input. I agree with all of it and I feel much better. Not righteous, just okay it's not me, I'm not crazy for feeling this way.


For what it's worth - it's worth nothin'!!! Did you read some of the crazy Valentine's day shennanigans from WS's on the board? ? ? The cryptic letters and gifts . . . .
We would all be in an insane asylum if it wasn't for this board.

How's your kids? I would love to snuggle little Levi(?). This is the best time of your life. Does it help your sitch that you can hold him and feel the love?

Take care.
S.

So Kim is your relationship with Charlie and his wife completely over?

It's sad. What do they call this in a war? Peripheral damage?

Take care.
S.

Well I'm taking DS to Toys R Us. He has a gift card that is burning a hole in his pocket. I'll check back later.

P.S. Today is WH's birthday and he is "out of reach". I asked him if he wanted to do something for his birthday (after receiving his card that said he was sorry, etc and wanted to work this out). He said "I kinda sorta have plans. Friends made these plans when I was in a bad place."

Let's see, how many rolling eye icons can I fit on this post?

Starfish had a good answer. Let me look for it.

Okay, found it. This was in reply to a poster whose wife was staying with "friends", but near the OM. When our poster called her she said she was tired, and had rented movies, and was going to call it a night.

He called back later and his son answered and said mom had gone out with some friends.

Starfish:

"Plan A consists of many things that should be done simultaneously. Stop love busting, fill needs the WS will allow....but don't forget that confrontation and exposure are how you address an ongoing affair.

When your wife says sweetly "darling, I'm going to watch movies and go to bed." Confrontation might be something like "I know that isn't true, and I'm not sure who you've become when you lie so sweetly to me. Please don't treat me as though I'm stupid. Do the ethical thing and stay home, and when we get together, we'll try and figure out what the next step should be."

WOW! This is eery. I read that thread and since I was multitasking MB {I had about 6 windows going with a different thread on each <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />}, somehow I couldn't remember which thread it was on and my attempts to locate it came up short. I wanted to copy it to a Word doc because I found it so fitting. I leave for the day and when I return ~ Voila! Thank you Believer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Starfish is one of the expert experts. I always listen to what she has to say.

Thanks for asking. Little Elliot Levi is doing quite well. Almost 11lbs (about the size of my 2nd at birth!!) He is still quite gassy, but such a sweet little guy.

And, yes, I can feel the love when I hold him. And I'm not sleeping alone again--bassinet is right there next to the bed, and when he wakes in the middle of the night, I let him cuddle with me. There's nothing sweeter.


Part of me, and I'm sure this is a LB, would want to say that if I can "understand" you leaving our family, then I think your "friends" can understand you canceling.

Or better yet--say, oh that's fine. I'd love to join you all. What time should I be ready?

I did that before my WH left (one week before) when he said he was going to a concert with SHerry (the older friend who hindsight was a catalyst for his affair). I said, cool. I'll get a sitter and come too. He made every excuse down to how I wouldn't like the music, etc. He ended up canceling. Turns out OW was going, too, and he didn't want me to know. (He confessed this to me since he's left).

What did your DS get from Toy's R Us?
I threw a balloon party for my 2 year old because he finally went on the potty! Woo Hoo! A day of celebration! (Course he did pee on the chair during the party--but it's a start!)

Awwww, I remember as if it were yesterday! You lucky duck!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

DS got a Lego Starwar's spaceship. He's a wiz with legos and lately he's been into Starwars. He really wants either a Playstation or GameCube. I'm proud of the fact that he's 10 and we don't own any. He does have a game boy though. I am starting to think it is time to let him have one. Most of his friends have at least one, maybe both. DS claims they are starting to make fun of him. I'm not giving in because all the other kids have them, or I would have bought it long ago. I just think he is old enough to have earned the priviledge of having one. He has gone without for so long that it will be a REAL treat for him. Now I have to wait and think up specifics such as if you do A, B, and C in school and home, you can get one. I have to say though, I'm a little sticker shocked. I was at Walmart and they had a game cube thingy for $50 and it plays gameboy games. I thought great! Then I realized the $50 thingy was an addon to the $100 gamecube. Playstations I think run around $150-180 and a portable Playstation is over $200. When I was a little girl . . . . . . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey S -

Yeah, the cost of those things amazes me!! I think your are very smart in waiting to get one --- kids don't play enough outdoors these days.

I have to limit DS's TV & computer time. We don't have any of those fancy games either ... He's not asked for one yet(thank goodness!!)



It's funny that you asked that. I saw your question earlier & was wondering about Sara & Charlie. I saw Sara at Church a couple of weeks ago. I walked by her on my way out and squeezed arm(she was talking to a group of people). I said "hello" and kept walking.

She called me tonight! Left a voice mail & I called her back. Got Charlie --- he sounded happy to talk to me. I was pleasant. Talked to Sara - she just wanted to see how I was doing....Weird. I was careful not to give her too much info. She had also tried calling WH today.

Thanks for asking --

Kim

Check out E-bay. Craigslist.org may be in your area. You have to be cautious. Ask friends on how to purchase from those sites. My 11 year old likes to shop there.

Yea, those toys are expensive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I wish mine would play with lincoln logs. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He does like the legos robotics kits.

L.