I have come to the conclusion that I am a dog. I am a very weak, slime of the earth rat!!! The NC with my big delivery and stubborness to make sure that NC sticks has failed.
I have slipped up again and I honestly can say to myself, what have you done to lead the OM on? To believe you are still wanting the OM's attention, affection, etc. I decided after several events that have happened over the past month, give or take, NC letter forget it. THere needs to be a NC TALK for it is not working. The talk in the least made it worse not better. Here I have my H trying his darnest to "change" his ways, I was honestly giving it my best shot, pouring everything I can into the relationship including all that excess that was being invested into my EA and it happens. This man won't take no for an answer, has come back into my life and has brought a lot of boldness with him as if he has decided I'm going to be "his". He has become so bold in fact that he has gone to places where my H was going to be and sat right next to him at my little guys BBall game last week. Ok, so I'm thinking, this is stalking, it's not me. No it is me, the OM and I have those feelings neither of us have a right to have for each other and have acknowledged them. I'm thinking if we are trying to come to terms with this why does he have to tell me the things he is telling me? My H knows about him but he doesn't know about he recent current of events. If he does he's pretending not to know. I am a dog, slime bucket, I am acknowledging this now, so I can make it easier to tell my h later. Like this weekend. I am in love with the OM and have fallen out of love with my H and 15 years of marriage is about to go down the tubes because I have to be selfish.
People talk about the "fog" here. I think if you are so deep into an A, you can have true feelings for the OM/F, you cn really have mutual love, and in rare instances there can be a strong relationship come out of it. RARE instances, I did say. In rare instances someone can come a long and knock you off of your feet and if there is a weak link in the marriage it will crumble. If I never had that weak link, never met this other M I wouldn't be in this situation right now. I accept the responsibility for my stupidity and selfishness and I honestly don't know how to find my way out of the fog for I feel I could live lost in it forever as long as the om is walking in the fog with me. I have no respect for myself or what I'm doing right now but in the same breath how could I be so selfish to think I could go on hiding this because I am afraid to say the Divorce word to my H? Thanks for listening, and ok, go ahead let me have it, I deserve all of it.

Small-

I am not going to let you "have it". You have strong feelings for the OM, but I can tell by your posts, that you know this isn't right.

YOU are the only one who can correct this situation......YOU are the only one that can save your family.

You're not a dog....or slime or any of that nonsense, but you are an addict, and you should treat the OM as such. You should stay away from him at all costs, for as much as he says he loves you and wants to make you happy...etc, he is destroying what you hold dear......and that's your family.

When you stay away from him, you experience withdrawls....and they are painful. Like detoxing from a substance....when you first stop allowing yourself to have the drug you go through a very painful period of DT's (De-tox). After the DT's have passed, you think about the drug when things aren't going your way.......but then those times get fewer and fewer.

I am sorry you feel lost in the fog, that can't be a good feeling, but please know that this inappropriate relationship you are having is not what is good......not what is right for yourself or your family.

Step away from the drug Small.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. - Have you read Trueheart's Letter??? I will try to find the link for you. I think you should read it.

Here it is Smallfry-

Trueheart's Letter

Please read it........print it out.

God Bless,

-Caren

***BUMP***

Smfry, welcome back to MB. You've been gone too long and have been trying to do everything on your own. You don't have to do that. Make this a regular place to visit because here you can talk to others who have gone through what you are now. You don’t have to do this alone.

Okay, first off, you're not a dog. That self-flagellation needs to end. What you are is confused. I suspect you’ve still not recovered from your husband’s A and you’re vulnerable right at this moment.

That having been said, you need to stop this OM from wrecking your marriage and your life. You think you are in love with him. That’s almost certainly not accurate. Actually, you’re beginning to construct a little fantasy world where you are the focus of everything he does and he accepts your love and will never betray you. It is a false world and it will not give you what you want. Read the stories on this site from the FWW’s who have seen what you are seeing and know it’s a farce and will only bring pain and humiliation to you and your family.

Smfry, you owe your allegiance to the man you vowed to love, honor, and respect…for better or for worse. When you let the OM sit beside your husband and mock him, you are disrespecting your husband in the worst way. You’re allowing a little contempt for your husband to creep into your relationship, perhaps to justify continuing to hold the OM in high esteem. Don’t let that continue. If you value your husband as a man and a human being...and the attempts he’s making to improve himself...be honest with him. You owe him that.

You let NC lapse. That’s unfortunate but it was predictable. Why do I say that? Because I read nothing in your post about quitting your job to get away from him. Some others warned you in your first posts you needed to do that, right?

Smfry, my grandmother used to say “God helps those who help themselves,” meaning you have to take the first step before others, or God, can help. I challenge you to do the tough thing and get out of that job where you are in constant contact with the other man. Once you are away from him, another NC letter has to be sent and this time you must understand a “talk” is a weakness you cannot afford to indulge yourself with.

Smfry, it’s time to get started on recovering yourself. You can’t let that OM back into your life. Get tough. Go through the steps you need to revive your marriage and, if it doesn’t work, you can check out the OM after you get a clean, honest divorce from your husband. Keep your integrity intact though, Smfry. Do not surrender that above all. My thoughts are with you, lady.

Thank you Caren, I just read truehearts letter. Thanks for taking the time and finding the link for me. I appreciate it. Now I really feel like a huge dog.
I have just spent a good 2 hours writing a NC letter, again. I've put everything I have into this letter. I know I'm not the victim here, but this really truly hurts.
Trueheart said only 25 percent of a ever actually last and ends in happiness. How deep in the fog am I? I was thinking 25%? That's awfully good percentage points. I will give OM this letter, I long for him so badly right now and know I shouldn't be.

smfry, I am so glad you came back. Longhorn is correct that you cannot do this alone. How do you enforce NC? By being completely transparent with your H. You tell your H each and every time the OM contacts or when you feel weak or when you initiate contact. You build a hedge of protection around your marriage by placing boundaries. First I recommend you do is tell your H everything you have told us.

You weak, you are not a dog. You need your H to help you through this..so please let him. I understand the strong feelings you have for the OM. I was there once. Once I started really opening my eyes I could see that my "love" for OM only existed in a fantasy world made up of only he and I. Not very realistic is it? We don't live life in a bubble. Ask yourself if you really, truly love someone that would so openly disrespect you and your H or someone that despite your weakness loves you and continues to stand by you and honor the vows he made with you?

Can you post the NC letter? Can you give the letter to your H to approve and mail with you?

Tell me what it is about the OM you long for? Let's open up those feelings to the light of day. You may find that they are not based on reality once you do so.

Actually, Smfry, I've been reading books on family counseling and I've seen statistics showing the chances of two people having an affair, getting married, and staying married five years are more like 2%…two out of a hundred. At ten years, the chances dive to nearly zero. Those aren't good odds at all. This doesn't factor in the pain the betrayed spouses, children, and two extended families feel. Stats vary from one book to another, and I haven't seen a real, good, scientific study done, but what is out there is awfully disillusioning.

Good for you. Write that letter and stay with it. And DON'T be a stranger out here, okay?

Smfry-

You don't have to thank me, I was happy to post that for you. I read it and although I am a BS I thought that it was a very powerful letter.

I am glad that you are here and seeking help! We can help you!!

The other posters are right, don't wait so long between posts. Come here and post these feelings you are having....there are a lot of people who have been in your sitch, and are recovered. They can help you sort all this out!

I am always willing to help, in whatever way I can.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hey Smfry,
Welcome back. Have you found another job or are you still having to see him every day?
I
If you haven't found one, are you still looking?

As Faithful said, you are not a dog, you are weak. You need to enlist your husband's help in this.

What are you longing for was a good question. So what is it? Can you tell your husband? Hopefully, he would be willing to help you through this longing?

Take care, Smfry.

Smfry,

Been here, done this...I know the fog is as real as they say. Can't know it when you're in it. Can't.

"If I never had that weak link, never met this other M I wouldn't be in this situation right now. "

This is the belief that keeps you in the fog. Outside influences conspired to find your vulnerablity and exploit.

Nope.

You did. You have a pattern and you have the choice. Your OM could be anyone. That's the reality. The time and openness you invested in him made him the one. That's why you can make your H the one. Anyone. I promise.

When you stay away from MB, you protect yourself from truth. You wrestle your emotions alone. Same as when you are dishonest with your H about contact. Your self-protection, which is really a life-long pattern of self-betrayal, is adding a lot of pain and entitlement to your choice of behavior. OM won't be there walking in the fog with you. He doesn't have 15 years of being with you, warts and all. He has that clean slate, shiny new you. Nothing to weather but drama, secrecy, lies and false images.

When the fog lifts, life gets worse if you've chosen OM. Your pain now, torn up, confused and longing...will grow ten times more painful as you become true to yourself. You can drown in that guilt, core shame and remorse that you bought the glitz and gave away the gold, because you were only looking from glasses red with resentment, anger and unacceptance.

Your life with OM is unacceptable because you will never be able to accept him, like you didn't accept your H. You take your stuff with you. You make your life happen over and over again, only OM won't stay for 15 years...maybe not even a few months. For he brings his real self into his escape fantasy...which is you.

I found out why I was so in love with OM...because I had held back loving my H in retaliation for him not meeting my needs...making me beg...being unheard...and making himself unacceptable to me. That a weak link you can relate to?

Well, fog lifts and you see your H didn't make you do anything at all. He can't. God didn't design us with any control over anyone but ourselves.

What felt like real love to me wasn't even close...I missed being love to my H and found it easier to just step over the junk over my feelings for H and walk into a clean area, relishing myself for loving again...because OM was worth it.

That's fog. You know it. I couldn't see it. I walked on my H several times, instead of cleaning up my own junk. When OM becomes like your H, and makes you resent, then you'll do it again to him, too. Only faster. Your in love feelings will turn to hatred and then to dust. Faster.

I stepped over myself, too, under the junk. I walked away from my own self and humans are made that way. I treated others like I treated myself...learn from your addiction. Your beliefs make you who you are. You believe that others are your cure when only you are.

Stay here and learn...that love you feel for OM, when directed to yourself, is the best experience you can hope for in this life. You can breathe clean air, freely, instead of gasping in the dark.

You can do this.

LA

No longhorn, 2% is not very good at all. I'm living in my dreamworld right now and guess I want it to be supported although it shouldn't be. I raalize this is like having a drug addiction, well at first I didn't think so and then some very weird spiraling things started happening over the past 2 weeks that I realized it was like a heroin addiction.
What spiraling chain of events you ask? The guy didn't accept the leave me alone, I don't want to be part of your world letter I first wrote in the beginning. He came back with a mission. I really started thinking about what longhorn had orginally suggested, he was a male out on the prowl looking for a score. But the guy has never, ever pushed for Sex! Ever! I was just talking to another "male" friend, mutual of H and mine and he said he may just be waiting for the right moment and he probably would make that move. It's wrong to bring friends into this mess, this guy has really been trying to help the both of us. I have been trying to understand the why isn't he leaving me alone aspect. Guess I'm a more powerful drug than heroin. (not so funny)
Faithful, I don't think I should post my NC letter, the first one said leave me alone in plain english. My second one is 3 pages long and I tried explaining it all. I also wrote that I did have feelings and that just isn't going to wash, so I have to rewrite it, and your right, my H should be the proof reader for he sure won't approve of this 3 page novel. Put up hedges and make this all transparent? Well, I have made my life pretty transparent to my husband, I have been telling him just about everything, well, I left some parts out for I fear he will flip. I honestly am trying very hard with our M right now. Very hard and actually felt his side of things, heartfelt his side of the coin last weekend when we had a talk/arguement which had me apologizing immensely for MY behavior. That's trying to make things work, isn't it?
I am so mixed up right now. I'm sitting here thinking the OM is only out for one thing, playing with my mind, and then I'm thinking about some of the things he has said and that's where I'm getting so twisted. Thinking about this open disrespect, now that really teed me off. I think this is what is pulling me back to the sane side and not completely losing me in the haze. I never, ever despite our diffences would want to publicly make my H look like a big fool. H told me about the happenings at the BBall game and I never questioned OM about why he did this.
You guys seem to really have it together here, being a stranger here is something I do feel like. You have all been so wronged or realized how much wronging you have done and work so hard at the repair. I feel like a weak [censored] who can't see straight and is wasting everyones time.
Thanks for being there and listening, I pray I don't get lost here in the fog, if I never find my way out......

Smfry, think of the 3 page novel as therepy. It has helped you to get it on paper. How about lengthening it and using it for more extensive therepy. Write out all your emotions. Write out how you feel about you, your OM, and your spouse. Next, you should burn it or shred it.

After you have that out for the day (it won't end the feelings, but it will help with them), then write the NC letter. Make it short and blunt.

If, after the letter is sent, he is still chasing you, maybe you should consider seeking a restraining order against him,

Have you changed jobs?

What is it about the OM that you are longing for?

Considering what I had in that 3 page novel I better be sure my real letter is short and blunt! This will be the 2nd letter and I honestly don't know if he will back off. Not after our recent conversation. Everytime since the moment things got real weird with OM again it seems he is pulling me deeper and deeper within his dungeon.
I dodged a question, what does he have that I'm longing for. I honestly dodged it for I really don't know. I can't answer that right now. Well, maybe a little. He was kind while my H was being a rotten, mean grump. He showed compassion while H just didn't care. H ignored me, Om listened. I don't need to continue. I decided to step over my junk, actually sweep it under the rug and hide it and find a brand new fresh clean carpet. Moveforward, I really like the idea of this letter writing therapy, I best however be sure to burn it for H will not appreciate what I put in that letter.
To be loved and desired everyday for the rest of my life, maybe that is what it is even if it is for a brief blink in time til I decide he was just a doormat and not the red carpet. Yes, I know therapy with a big T.

I'm just skipping out on the answer the question please moments. I am still on the search for employment, been to interviews, this is not easy. Mr. OM should look too, first one who lands one should leave. Fair is fair. I have some prospects this week coming up and a very strong possiblity. Still doesnt change my address though.

smlfry:

My FWW's ex OM made a big play for her but not based on his declared love for her. It became an ego play and a desire to win her over me. He became hellbent over the win and even showed up at the MC 's office parking lot. He was in love but his love was shallow because he had to make it ok to break up a family and convince a woman to leave her family and kids for the thrill of him. Her leaving gave her no way to redeem herself to her God and her family, but going back to her family was the only thing that allowed that to happen. Thank God, she followed her inner feelings and stayed with the family. We are all better off today for it.

You too can redeem yourself by rebuilding your marriage as gloom as it may seem. Don't think it can't be better than before, it can. The other man is a destroyer of lives and family and your husband is your salvation. Go where God would want you to go, which is your family.

TooSoon