I would appreciate any advice regarding my situation. I have been married for 13 years to a wonderful man, I always thought our morals and standards mirrored each other, and that is why this has been especially difficult to understand. Apparently 2 years ago, while we were going through some "low" times, he met someone on his route, . Anyway, (and this is HIS side of the story) they started talking, and she invited him to her apartment, and he went. He says as soon as he did it, he realized it was a mistake. Any attempts on her part afterward he turned down, then, about 6 weeks after, she gives him a note, that stated in part, that she was pregnant, he was the father, and that he would pay. Now to make this more interesting, My husband is 60 years old, he started this affair when he was 58 and she was 29, he had a vasecetomy over 26 years ago while he was married to his first wife, and she nor I ever came up pregnant, but my "intelligent" husband fell for her statement that she hadn't been with her ex or anyone else, so it had to be his!!! She waited until her second trimester to finally have the abortion that he kept pushing her, and paid for, to the tune of almost $1000.00 dollars, and due to complications, she had to have a hysterectomy (sorry about spelling) after that he says she blackmailed him into continuing the affair, she even admitted that she had called my, but chickened out, and pretended that it was a wrong number. Anyway, he says he continued the affair to protect me from finding out. He went over to her house 2-3 times a month, to top it off, he didn't tell me, I got a phone call early one morning from a "friend" who told me about it, and he "brushed" it off, then a message on our machine was left the next night, . He still tried to deny it even looked me in the eye and denied it twice, it wasn't until he read the fax, that I guess he figured the gig was up and he confessed. He says that although I am now going through the pain that he wanted to protect me from, he feels a huge relief that he is finally free of this person. I feel so lost now, my whole life with him has been a lie, and while we both want to work through this, I am having a hard time, I guess I need to make sense of it, and I can't, and he can't help me, because, he doesn't know or won't tell me why. He just says that it was a terrible mistake, and that everything that happened after the initial encounter was to protect me from finding out. What do you think?

Welcome. He sounds like he may be telling the truth, especially since he feels like a huge burden has been lifted.

The first order of business is for him to write her a no contact letter. It should say that he made a huge mistake, loves his wife, and is working on his marriage. It should state that he wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. You read the letter and mail it to her.

See if he will agree to that.

Welcome to MB. Please read as much as possible here on the site. Also get a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and read all of it.

My FWS also said it was just a horrible mistake- a stupid decision. He said it was nothing that I did or didn't do that pushed him into an A.

He, too, felt a huge amount of relief that I found out. Of course he denied at first, just as yours did. They have been living a lie, it is very hard for them to admit the truth.

Is couseling an option? There is telephone counseling available with the Harleys. If that is not an option, can you do local counseling? Find someone that is pro- marriage,

Check with your insurance company. Mine porvided 10 free sessions.

If that is still not an option, can you counsel with someone from your church?

It is promising that he has a desire to work through this. Having a hard time is very normal.

You will experience a variety of emotions that will make you feel like you are on a never ending rollercoaaster. Hang in there and read, post, read the book, check into counseling.

Thank you, He has said from the beginning, that he would do whatever I wanted him to do, I did ask him to call her, and tell her with no uncertainty that it was over, which he did, while I listened, she hung up on him, and then called back, and I answered. She started with the ole poor me, and when I didn't respond to that started venting, all I told her was that as long as she stayed out of my world, I would leave her in peace, but if I found out she attempted to contact my husband or myself, then the gloves would come off. My husband is so ashamed, and want's to respect himself again, and is continuing (sometimes it's hard) to let me tear into him, which is something I am working on getting past, as it doesn't make me feel any better, and makes him feel even worse then he already does. This website has given me SO MUCH information, and I would like to thank everyone for their candidness and support with each others situations.

Please stop "tearing into him". You want your marriage back, and not the same old one, but a new and better one. It is fine to come here and vent. We are used to it, and it won't make us feel badly at all. So whatever you want to say to him, come here and say it.

Agreeing with believer whole heartedly. Vent here. We hear and understand. Not at him. Count to ten if you have to.
Has he read the MB info yet?
JE

Well it's 4:00 am and I am awake again, it's been a month now, and I feel like I've been on the monster of monsters roller coaster ride, but I feel like we have addressed this and are both working very hard to get past it. My problem now is I found out the she not only threatened to tell me about the affair, but alot of people, her relatives (which are on his route, thats how he first met her). So, it wasn't JUST to protect me, after all, he was embarrassed and didn't want anyone to find out. I understand affairs are "secrective" but by GOD if I was going to have one at least it would be with someone I wouldn't be ashamed of in the light of day. I am so angry right now that I want to write letters to everyone telling them about what they did. Selfish huh. That's the TAKER in me coming out. I did tell him I wanted the "relatives" names/addresses and if she attempted any contact I would take care of notifying everyone for her, all the way to her employer. Which brings up another question, is it normal for the OP not to attempt any contact at all with either the BS or the WS?

I found out today, that my husband has cheated on me since the very beginning. First with his ex wife, then with 2 women he "paid" to have sex with him. I don't know what to do, I can't believe he "fooled" me and so many others all these years into thinking he was a faithful, loyal, honorable man, when in fact, he is the lowest of the low.

I have felt that there was alot more to the "affair" then he was telling me, and now all the dirt is starting to settle. I want him gone, out of my life, he still says he is commited to me, that after the last flind (where he got trapped) he had decided his actions were wrong. OH MY GOD, what is he made of? I don't understand, he wasn't raised in a broken family, in fact they are very close. He was married to his ex wife for 26 years before she ended it. So what happened? How could he sink so low? HELP

I don't see your posts for a while. How are you?

I am hanging in there, sometimes I think, why am I still willing to put the effort into a relationship, that he took so lightly. I know/believe that he feels horrible for his decisions and actions, but that really doesn't do much for me other then it helps me believe in his commitment to us. We are going to see a counselor, and I have asked him to get a fertility test, not only to put to rest if he was in fact the father, but if he is shooting live bullets, then we need to use birth control, as I have told him, there would be no abortion if I got pregnant. Thanks, for you concern, and I pray for all of us that are going through this, and pray that the ones who have escaped it so far, keep their relationship with each other as their main priority.
Take Care,

I really feel for you. I have been living that same nightmare. Sometimes I think I am causing more harm than good.Try to work on the postive side of your husband. I suffer many nights worrying about my wife cheating on me. I am 4000 miles away. All I can do is think positive about what she is doing. No easy solution but time. I love my wife and 3 kids who caught in the middle of this mess.I am new to this site. I love it so far. Thanks for sharing.

Good Evening,
Well, tomorrow is my 2 month "D-Day", and I am depressed tonight. I keep go over his "REASONING" for continuing the affair, and I just can't make sense of it. Has anyone out there been "blackmailed" into continuing an affair? How could a seeminly intelligent man, believe the the OW was pregnant with his child, after he had a vasectomy almost 30 years ago,
Neither his first wife or myself ever got pregnant. I also find sick humor in his statement, well she told me she hadn't slept with anyone but me, this out of the mouths of two people who are lying through their teeth.
I just can't seem to get a grip on this, I just got my authorization from our insurance company regarding counseling, I pray that a third party might help us communicate better. Take Care.