I just found out that my husband of 5 years (we have two kids 4 and 3 year old) is having an affair (serious) since I was pregnant with our second kid.

He traveled with her all over having fun and adventure and even hired her to work with him (in the end the business did not did well and she is doing something else).

When I confronted him, he said he was not ready to talk, then I realized he was more involved with her than I thought.

Fortunelly, I was nice and calm. I said that I love him and want our marriage to work.

He did not respond.

He left yesterday to visit his parents with his two older kids from his first marriage. He will come back in a week.

Then, I guess we will talk.

I am trying to remain calm. I read plan A, and will try to apply when he talks to me, if he is open to stay.

But what if he comes back with no decision, or decides to stay with her? I read about revealing the affair. I think most of his friends should know already about it. Should I reveal it now to his parents (he will be mad) or wait to see what he will say when he's back.

I am holding up, I don't know for how much longer.

Any advice/ help is extremely appreciated.

Hello, and Welcome to MB. Sorry you had to find your way here under the circumstances. There are many here that will give you the support and advice to help you to find your way. It's a tough road, as many here do understand and have been there. Just hang around, and the wise ones will be along. Take care...

Jennifer

estrela,

Seeing that you have some time, I'd strongly urge you to call the MB phone counseling number for an appointment (88-639-1639) and start with either Steve or Jenn Harley. They will help you get a plan together to deal with this.

I will bet if this is a long-term affair that he is likely to come back with "no decision". Unlikely that he will run away. It's also likely that he will say "I want to stay with you" and continue to cheat---affairs are highly addictive, and the initial confrontation is rarely enough to set a spouse straight.

Steve often gave me the advice---"in a whirlwind of emotions and turmoil, the best option is often to do nothing until things subside". I would hold off exposing the affair to others---get your act together and have a consistent plan to deal with this. You don't want to be reactive (the theromometer)---you want to act (the thermostat) in an appropriate fashion. If you have the book "Surviving an Affair", I'd encourage you to start reading.

And I'm very sorry that you're here.

Estrela, welcome to MB. While you have the time read up everything on the site about plan A, plan B, eliminating love busters etc. Go pick up a copy of Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley. Read this thread by WAT http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...05303&an=0&page=0#405303

and keep posting.

Thank you K.
I left a message to schedule an appointment. I ordered the books also.
Thank you for your kind words.

How was the marriage before the affair? If there was anything that he complained about, time to start eliminating it.

It's probably best that he will be gone for a week. That will give you time to get a plan together.

Do you work outside the home?

Our relationship was amazing. We got married completly in love. But I got pregnant too early for him. I guess he wanted to travel and enjoy more time just us (having come from a first marriage).

Then, I got pregnant again (by accident) and I guess it was then that he got upset with me.

He lost his job at the end of my second pregnancy and said he wanted to take some time off, travel, enjoy a little after so many years working so hard.

So he started going out without me. Travelling without me. And as I found out now, he quickly found a "travelling companion" to go to China, Indonesia, Russia, India, Israel.

I felt we were apart. Try to talk many times. He was becoming less affectionate. I was very busy with two young and very demanding kids.

I guess I was just an uninterested housewife for him. But then, I managed to do a masters degree (in law) and I recently passed the NY bar. Now I am back looking for a job (I am already doing temporary work). And I told him I will spend more time with him, take care of myself, be his companion again.

I guess he was surprised by my reaction, but will it be enough to get him back?

estrela,

Welcome to MB'S sorry for the circumstances that has brought you here. Its a tough road but one you can travel down and survive.

It's not always easy lots of ups and downs. Lots of emotions and hard descions.

Like everyone else has said read up on plan a and start implementing now. This is does not mean be a doormat as you have to set boundries , its about negotiating the end of the affair. Make yourself the best you can be and attract your WS back to you and the marriage. It's not easy and there will be days you just want to throw in the towel. At those times find some peace for yourself and get in a safe emotional place and get stronger.

Remember your spouse is in the "fog" they will say all kinds of things that make no sense. Please don't let this get to you. I know it hurts but believe none of what you hear and believe only half of what you see. Actions always speak louder than words. Someone in the affair fog babbles some pretty crazy stuff.

This is a tough gig, but you can do it. Make yourself a strong and wonderful person. This is the time to work on you and make you the person you want to be and that is what your spouse will see and be attracted to. Remember when you were dating, do the things that attracted him to you then. Try and meet whatever emotional needs he will allow you to meet. Eliminate love busters and disrepectful judegments as these are things that will just push him further away.

I'm not saying you can't let him know how much this hurts you and your children but do it in a way thats respectful. I know easier said than done. Show him any changes you make are real and longlasting not just something to win him back. Because if they arn't real and you fall back into the old patterns then you will find yourself back in this again.

I know this is a lot to think about and is over whelming but its a start. I am glad you have made an appt. with the Harley's they wil give you the best possible start in this.

One thing I want to add as bad as all of this is it does get better. The pain does diminish and you can live life...
You will make it through this I promise you and you will come out on the other side a wonderful person. Read all you can and try and stay calm..... Prayers are going out to you and your family.....


Hurting

I don't believe in accidental pregnancies. Maybe he feels angry that you didn't agree to have another child.

I'm sure he will be back to his family.

I wanted another kid. I don't think he wanted it (although he is crazy about the kids). He already had two kids from his first marriage. When I got pregnant we were happy, but I think he resented I could not go out with him anymore.

I am feeling so much better having found this place. Thank you.

We're glad you're here! Keep posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Anything else that he complained about - pre-affair????????

He did not complained openly but I think he resented I was not taking care of myself. I was just concentrating on being a mother. I am changing that now. Also the kids are a little older, so it is easier for me to leave them occasionally.

And, like I said before, between the two kids, I could not go out much with him. When we started to go out again to movies, etc., he was already into the affair so I don't think it helped much.

Were you thinking about something specific?

Thought about something else. He likes to be with people and I like to be just by ourselves.

I guess I need to work on that also.

From a guy's perspective, it sounds like your H may be somewhat egocentric (imagine that!). OW devotes herself completely to him - gets his undivided attention. He has to share your attention with the kids. Have you tried to keep time just for the two of you? I know it is hard with young kids.

And your last post? Yes you do need to work on that because it seems you know it has been a problem.

Your H is not, by any chance, Latino?

I wasn't thinking about anything specific. Sometimes there are needs not being met, and that leaves the relationship open to an affair. That is why we advise folks to look at the marriage and see if there need to be changes.

Even though you have young children, the husband-wife relationship must come first.

My husband is not latino, he is ukranian, grew up in Israel. I think he has issues with his mother (who does not?) I am Brazilian. I never wanted to marry a Brazilian guy because I know they cheat. Did not help marry someone else.
And now if it was not for you guys I would be completely lost. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am just trying to keep sane for the kids. I want my husband back but sometimes I get so tired of just trying to understand him and be nice.
For God's sake, he started cheating on me when I was most vulnerable, and he has been lying to me for more than 3 years!!!
I did not confront him with my suffering yet. How can I do it in a way he understands the pain he caused me and not pushing him further away?

I thought I recognized Latina in your screen name. First things first. Don't worry too much about WH's motives for having an affair. Even if you knew them, they would not help you much right now. Nothing you have ever done to him or not done to him is any justification for what he has done. It is not your fault. Yes you should make a plan of exposure. Of course he will get mad. Don't worry about it. Always remember who is at fault for the affair (i.e. him).

How many days before he is due back home?

There are several ways you can do this. If he is a WS, none of them may matter but you can still try.

First, choose the method to communicate:
1. Write a letter
2. Send an e-mail
3. Phone
4. Speak to him in person
Whatever makes you feel safe. He may grumble about how you choose to communicate. Know that he will grumble no matter what you do.

Second, be firm yet loving but not groveling. Here is my suggestion (Note how it is being presented as from the family and not just you):


[color:"blue"] WS,

I write this with a heavy heart. You are becoming a man who is a stranger to our family and it pains me deeply. We love and miss my H and am afraid of who you are becoming now.

You seem to have fine qualities which originally attracted me to you yet you have allowed yourself to cheat on your family and hurt us so that now we are having to seek help for our family away from you.

You may think your needs are more important than each of your family members. That is not true. While we can't all have our way or everything we want, knowing that we care about each other helps us to cope when things get rough.

Since you have been having your affairs, you have not been showing care and concern for your family. Love for your family has not been felt or seen in a long time. This also hurts us deeply.

We do care for you but am at a loss how to help you. Right now, helping us through these turbulent times takes much time and effort. We have little time to deal with your affair shinangans and any hateful attitude.

Please explain why you feel the need to treat us badly and not take care of your family. It may help us know how to move forward.

Sincerely,
BS[/color]

Ok, that's my suggestion.

L.

Thanks for your suggestion, Orchid.

WH is coming back in a week, next Sunday. We were suppose to talk then I guess. Tuesday is his birthday.

Question: Because the affair was going on for so long, I am sure some or most of his friends knew about it. Should I confront them? I feel so mad that nobody talked to me. But these were his friends first so I guess they wouldn't talk to me, right? But shouldn't they have advised him to get out of the affair! I guess my anger is going in every direction, to everyone involved. I don't want to see these people anymore. I feel so ashamed.