We are 6 weeks post discover and NC. In my Pastor's "God's hands are definately on this!" Because my husband chose to do all the things he needed to do to make amends without any real demands on my part. Not that he didn't ask me to tell him what I needed and expected. We are doing very well in regards to rebuilding our bond.

The struggle is my frustration with the triggers and the episodes of memories, insecurities, paranoa that follow them. It's like will you just go away. We are doing good. I see it as a way for Satan just to continue his attack. I refused to let him win when he chose to attack my home with the "A." But this aftermath thing with the episodes is just horrid. They come out of nowhere -- like there is no real trigger. There is no consistency really. I may go a whole week without any thoughts. I can even see her and no problem.

Part of my concern is that I don't want to make him feel guilty--he does enough of that himself. This was totally out of character for him -- and so he sits with a huge mound of embarassment and guilt. So I stuff and withdrawel.

I tried to talk to him about it last night. He listened. Expressed some concern about me withdraweling and withholding from him. Then he said "I wish you would stop beating yourself up!" I asked him what he meant and he had no response.

Then I basically told him that I didn't want to beat a dead horse. But I was concerned that we seem to avoid talking about it. Sometimes I just need to vent, I don't need answers anymore, it's just my frustration with the intrusive thoughts and internal battle. I also told him that I felt it was really important to keep the dialogue open -- not about the "A" but about how we are doing and what else we need to do to rebuild our marriage and family.

Our church is having a one of Dr Harley's courses Sunday. Reality be it we don't have the extra funds. He agree that we need to go and that it would be good, but we don't have the money. I confronted him and asked him if it was the money or that he did not want to hurt my feelings and he insisted that it's the money.

Any feedback on how you coped with the episodes?

If you are certain that he is having no contact, it might be good to post on the recovery board. They are the experts.

The triggers last for months, so you are normal there. But it won't always be like this. The whole MB idea is not to get the same marriage back, but to rebuild a much better one.

Does your Pastor know fo the A? Your church probably has scholarships. Call and ask for one.


6 weeks is not very long. The triggers will continue but will hopefully lessen in intensity. Here is the way I look at dealing with triggers.

When something triggers me (last night it was a song) I try to face it head on. I have to deal with it right then. The thought IS going to come back again. If I deal with it the next time the intensity is less. If I don't deal with it, the next time it is harder to deal with.

My FWs does not like to talk about the A and the issues because of it on a daily basis. However, he knows he needs to help me in recovery. He is not a mind reader, so I must tell him what I need from him.

Another way I deal with it is to replace that memory with something else. I have to actually think 'stop' and pull my thoughts away and to something else.

It will get easier. Hang in there.

Thanks! I've been feeling much better yesterday and today. I'll try posting on recovery, because I know it is going to hit again.

MoveForward -- I like that one! It's a good way to approach it.

BA,

It is 6 months after d-day for me today.... I STILL have the same kind of feelings & triggers you are talking about.
Not as often, and like MF said you must deal head on or the next time it will be harder to deal with them.
Just yesterday H and I talked about my need to deal with some of my trigers and questions. I told him I was sick of feeling paranoid and at times obsessed by this.
You are very lucky your H is doing all he is and that you have your pastor behind you. Ask pastor if the fee for the seminar can be waived for you guys so you can attend. I know they would do it for you.

Be well,

BA,

They are right, 6 months is no time at all in the big picture. I am over 2 years in recovery with total NC, and I still sometimes trigger, although not very often anymore.

I know that it is hard to believe this at this point, but time will be your friend on this.

If you can't attend the seminar, buy the books SAA, LB, etc....and read them together.

Hang in there and be patient, you will make it just like the rest of us former skeptics!

Who

BA,

I am going through the same episodes and triggers as you are, and it is post-A four months for me. I have noticed that while the frequency of the episodes is less, the pain is not.

We make a choice when we decide to stay after our spouse is unfaithful. Sometimes I wonder if it is the right decision (especially when I find myself being feeling angry and hurt and betrayed), but there is obviously some reason why we stay.

Like "Who" mentioned above, I look foward to becoming a "former skeptic" with a marriage even better than before!