Okay, I've been thinking about this as I have been reading more and more posts.

Let's say that your WS cheated because their EN's were not being met. Maybe they had the need to kiss, wanted a sparkling home, needed recreational activities, SF, or WHATEVER.

After the affair is discovered, you come here and start meeting those needs like crazy, and recover your marriage.

What do you have?

Basically you are still married to a person that, when their needs are not being met, leaves for someone that will meet them. Okay, no problem. You can meet their needs.

However, let's say that you get ill. We have people posting here who are seriously ill. What if they CAN'T meet their spouses needs?

What if the ex-WS loses a child? What if they lose their job? What if they get depressed? What if the house burns down?

I don't want to make any ex-WS's hear feel bad. But what you have with a person who cheated is someone who goes outside of the marriage to get needs met.

Life is uncertain. We don't always get what we want.

What is the MB thinking on this?

WOW Believer...
Have you been listening and peeking in on my very thoughts right now?
I will add to the what ifs:
What if it was not about ENs at all according to WS?
What if it was knowing you still have it? If you found out you still had it 2 years ago, when will you need to boost that ego again?
What if the EN may have been having things in common type of thing, and you and your WS just dont have that much in common no matter how hard you try to have recreation together, it is just the same. You dont like what they do, and they dont like what you like to do?

Sorry for T/J or adding fuel if I did. But I am very anxiously waiting for some responses to your questions.
JE

Believer, in recovery, it isnt just that BS shapes up and starts meeting needs.

It also requires the WS to shape up, grow up, and recognize their own weaknesses, and take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again (ie protect the BS).

Its the personal recovery of the WS that drives the recovery.

I just had a conversation with WS ex-wife. She went through exactly the same thing. Two kids, negleted family life, start having affairs.
I am not sure anymore if it is worth to fight for him since he has this tendency to cheat.
If he decides to stay, i will be always wondering when it will happen again, right?

recovery is NOT the absence of an affair.

OK, B, I'll bite.

Before the A I had looked to my H for guidance, leadership, comfort, "making me feel better when things were bad." With just a few words he could wipe all my worries and troubles away.

I met his needs for great sex, admiration, you name it.

No problems for 28 years. It seemed to all work just fine.

Then we lost our parents (except my mother) all in one year. H wasn't giving me comfort, wasn't leading me, wasn't making everything better. He was in a total and deep depression.

I didn't know about MB, I didn't know about needs. All I knew was that poor Jenny was being neglected. (I'm being sarcastic). Old b/f turned up out of nowhere at just the wrong time. Don't forget I'd been married for 28 years and never even looked at another man during that time. As our MC pointed out, I didn't have the maturity, I was also too selfish to reach out to my H when my needs suddenly weren't met. Interestingly, he'd had a bad skiing accident when the children were small and I didn't deal with that very well either. Felt insecure and frightened.

We had never communicated about the "what if's" of one of us no longer being able to be there for the other. I assumed because we loved each other and had survived 28 years, we'd just cope.

Anyway, I'm getting to the point.

Marriage counselling and the aftermath of the A taught us how to deal with any major crisis that came our way again. I was to reach out to my H and nurture him, he was to communicate with me and not withdraw.

Sheesh, B, you don't go through all this pain and heartache without learning something.

And if you don't learn anything, you're a complete idiot.

I agree completely. There was very little different about my BH after we reconciled. The biggest difference was more SF. But the SF was not what my A was about. I figured out what my A was about and I changed me because I did not want to be that person anymore.

As a recovering alcoholic, I am very grateful for the spiritual bottom that I had as a drunk. As a FWW, I am grateful for the spiritual bottom I had as a WW. That is what would keep me from being that person again.

believer I don't think all affairs are about EN's. I think my hubby is suffering from clinical depression and this is how it manifested it's self. that's nothing i can change. that change has to be from him and i can't control him. that's what's so hard about this.

JE, Estrela, and Iamsolost - hold on, we have some experts here.

BR - How does it happen? How does the WS make the change from seeking outside the marriage to inside?

Kiwi - I KNOW that you have changed. I have no worries about former WS's like you.

Jean - I know all about reaching your spiritual bottom. But I'm wondering how that happens for a WS. If we go by the program here, the BS starts meeting needs, wins back the WS, and they live happily ever after.

Hi,

I don't know what you'll have. All I know is we can only take life, one day at a time. Get threw today, that's all you really have anyway.

Skipdun - You are right that there are no guarantees. By the way, welcome to MarriageBuilders. Glad you found us.

Believer - the program here is NOT that the BS starts to meet needs, wins back the WS and live happily ever after. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The BS starts meeting needs because the BS must, regardless, learn to take responsiblity for what he or she have neglected in the marriage.

But that doesnt mean that the WS comes home and they live happily ever after.

Successful recovery, and the ability for a BS to forgive, requires that the WS recognize their own responsibility in choosing to have the affair.

The WS has to choose to come back to the marriage and be a better spouse, just as the BS does.

I can tell you, my marriage would not be successfully recovered if my husband had not taken steps to change his behavior also. Giving up his privacy and no longer socializing without me was only the tip of the iceberg.

We both understand marital dynamics much better than we did preA. He invests more of himself in our marriage.

To say that the BS changes and the WS gets the benefit is really really a distorted view of MB recovery.

i know what I will have....my best friend back in my life and a chance to start new with him

BR - I may have a distorted view of recovery, since I've only recovered personally. I post mainly on GQ, and was just wondering about this today. For us folks on GQ, getting the WS back is most of the battle.

Recovery is far harder than Plan A and B.

Shoot B, I wrote such a lot too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I still think it's very important - what I said.

In fact, more important, because it gives a view of what recovery really looks like.

Changed people, changed marriage.

in fact....getting the WS into NC is just the start...

I must admit these quetions are what i've been pondring. does it really ever get any better. do you end up with a prince charming or just the old toad who cotinues in his toady ways (having more A)? and why the heck is there even a story of a prince charming?

I was speaking as a FWW. I had the same type of spiritual bottom as a WW. My BH didn't really change much of anything at all. I can't speak of marital recovery as my BH has become a WH. But, I don't think it would have been necessary for my BH to change anything in order for me to remain faithful. That was a decision that was only up to me, as was the decision to become unfaithful.

B - I will get my family back. Although we have not lived separately yet, I do not look forward to the day that my kids are not a part of my EVERY DAY life.

What do I want? My family. Recovering the M is the only way to get that. Yes - I may get my best friend back. That is important. But I so do not look forward to the days without my kids. Sure - I may learn to surf. Go out with some nice girl. Have time to myself.

None of those things are important. Not like my kids. Not like being the only man in their life.

I do not think I am the only person here who feels this way.

far