Bump

I hope that you do a little more reading. There is much confusion in the beginning... and will be for many more months to come...

You are NOT expected to meet her needs 24/7. In fact, I have seen over time that the single most important part of 'recovery' is recovery of self... meaning jpeople who take a serious inventory of themselves and their marriage and move towards a healthier sense of SELF.

Secondly, giving up control of the situation...meaning those who work towards controlling themselves and their own behavior ONLY.

Finally, there is some filling up of the love tank. And, many WSs are NOT up to this and will rebuff this for quite awhile. So the BS has to be persistent and talk the love language of the WS, slowly filling up the tank. BUT, also finding ways to fill up their own tank... utilizing SAFE and supportive friends and/or family members... sometimes a small group.

Why bother you ask? Sometimes we don't know the payoff for something until it happens. I can't say if it will be worth it to you; I know that five years later, it has been worth it to me.

Start by doing the work for yourself. At the end of the day, the only one you have to answer for is you.

Cali

Why bother?

For me, a repentant FWS is a wonderful partner. I am a repentant FWS and I was never more dedicated to my family and I was truly grateful for my marriage.

Along with the relief that I felt on D-Day (for realizing I wasn't crazy) I also had a sense on great expectations. I thought our marriage could reach the next level of intimacy since it was clear that we were still lacking in something. I was eager to know what my WH needed so we could trek towards the next level.

As a FWW, my H did not fear my falling off the wagon. I don't know if that was due to me or him. I don't know whether I was transparent and honest enough to put his fears to rest, or if he just didn't care enough about me to worry about it. But he made no effort to meet my needs and I did not stray from the marraige again.

What kept me faithful was me and who I wanted to be.

I could not take my WH back unless he had a clear vision of how he was going to stay faithful. That is his responsibility. Before we married, the only thing I asked was that if we ever thought about adultery, we would respect our spouse enough to give them a warning shot, a chance to defend their role.

I would happily take my WH back if he had a clear idea of what happened in his head and how to prevent that. As a FWW, I was a great spouse. I would feel very lucky to have my WH come to the same mindset that I had come to.

Jen:

I LOVE THIS THAT YOU SAID:



My H and I have this viewpoint....

ONWARD..THERE'S A LOT OF LIVING LEFT..LOTS OF STUFF FOR US TO DO...

Do you have any grandchildren? Heck, let me be quiet, our boys aren't even married...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Of course the BS comes to see that the marraige wasn't all that, we see where the marraige was unsuccessful and what changes can we make to fulfilling our vow to love and protect. The FWS must do this too. How can I better show love? How can I better show compassion?

Successful reconciliation means both partners are committed to turn toward each other in tough times (not hide and "protect") to build a better affair proof marriage that is all that and a bag of chips.

Both spouses must live their vows, and I certainly wasn't doing that before the affair.

I'm glad to so so many positive experiences from some very strong and positive individuals! I truly believe that I have a FWW that wants to not only improve helself but our marriage as well.

Of course it has been less than a week since d-day, the early stages, so the doubts come and go. But the one thing I can take from your responses is that any life wouldn't be much if we dwelled on the negative "what if's". We can all be amazing if we truly beleived, focussed on, and toiled for making this truly wonderful. We both believe we can.

BTW, what does 'bump' indicate in a reply?

Glad to see you see some hope, JJD.

Bump--means they are just bringing the post back to the top of the forum/page.