There seem to be several posters on the brink of having a FWS. It seems that there are many people that have waywards that are maybe thinking of ending their waywards days and jumping off the mother ship.

And the BS of these people are being cautioned, wisely, to make sure the WS means business. I have seen lists of symptoms of cheating, symptoms of withdrawal etc. Is there a list of recovery readiness symptoms??

I don't know what recovery looks like, but I know what I looked like as a remorseful FWW. For me, there was no air of "Maybe this will work if you don't have anything better to do". I was like a little puppy, so excited to have seen what I almost destroyed and a chance to fix it. I invited my BH out to dinner and laid my heart and a$$ out on the table (not literally <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />). Once I detected an opening in his heart and mind, I wormed my way in with the utmost dedication.

I was pushy and determined and I wooed him like nobodies business. Fixing the damage I had done was my number one priority. I snuck into his house (he never took my key back) and I scrubbed and scrubbed every time he left for work. It made him mad, but later he admitted he liked it. his friends joked that I could break ito his house and clean their tubs anytime.

There seem to be many WS that act like they are doing their BS a favor by considering reconciliation. As a FWS, that was not where I was coming from at all. I threw myself at his mercy hoping that I had not destroyed all of his respect and love for me.

For you BS that think the fog might me clearing, I hope your WS comes to the point that I did. And it doesn't look like the wishy washy stuff the WS are pulling here.

Maybe there are some more FWS that can chime in what recovery readiness symptoms they exhibited.

Great post Jean.

Did you say things like: I refuse to sign that "form letter" because it might hurt the OW?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

TJ/Mel, glad you survived the "fire ants" and are back to posting!\end TJ

SD

I did not know about MB and NC when I was a FWW. I would have worn a sandwich board on the corner of Main St declaring my waywardness and my hope for recovery. I would have answered any questions my BH had, there were very few, but I answered them honestly.

I was completely transparent with the phone, computer, anything. My BH never asked for a NC letter, but I would have written it gladly.

Thank you Jean!!! I really appreciate your post...more than you could know.

I would love for my husband to actually drag his head out of his butt long enough to see what he could lose. I mean he KNOWS....I look GREAT on paper (LOL) but he hasn't talked his stupid ego into it yet. He's not ready to do what needs to be done to make this work......I need to HOLD OUT (which is very hard for me) long enough, to make him miss what I do for him, to miss me, miss his family.

Thank you very, very much Jean, you're 100% right. He needs to be making the moves from here on out. As much as I want to I can't *fix* this by myself....he needs to do it.

He's called me TWICE this week to ask goofy questions like "Is there such a thing as bleach for colors??" (Ummmm do you NOT watch TV...and are you NOT in the dang detergent aisle as we speak...open your eyeballs!!) and "Ummm I'm going to clean the bathroom....is that spray cleaner under the sink what you always used?" (Oh heavens NO, bathroom cleaner to clean the bathroom....you should always use FURNITURE polish.....YEAH...bathroom cleaner!)

Of course my answers were much nicer. I acted like those weren't remotely stupid questions.....LMAO!!!

So anyway....he DOES need me.

God Bless,

-Caren

Thank hunny <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Good to see ya!

*Looks Around*......*Puts fire ants down Mel's pants*


Mwah ha ha ha ha!!

LOL!

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren - you and I sound alike in our sitch's except for the sex change. Meaning I'm a Bh you're a BW not the operation! My WW does call everyday and says things that keep the hope alive. But sometimes I wonder if I'm being taken advantage of or it's her trying to 'remain friends' but it is hope, the tiny spark that can be blown to a flame. Now if I could just get her to start blowin'! (in more ways than one) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mel - You're so mean!! JK!! I got it now!!

My WH should be more than willing to do what it takes to win my trust and make me feel safe. The point is that he is not quite ready yet. He's not sure if it will work so he wants to keep OW in the back pocket.

Jean - thanks again for the thread!!

Kim

On keeping the OW in the back pocket, after D-day but before WH left, he said "Why would I leave a sure thing like my marriage for an unknown like OW?"

OK, he left, like a week later. Maybe once the WS starts thinking that the BS may not be a dependable back-up plan, the fog may crack a little.

I am curious how many WS leave the home or marriage, 100% sure that their BS won't take them back. Or do they always think a WS can crack a BS with enough smooth talking.

Are there any other FWS that can tell what they looked like when they were really ready?

Not that I am a WS but I would say them filing for divorce sure isn't a step towards recovery.

With that said though for someone who is so sure that the marriage won't work and they don't love the BS anymore and never will. And the BS gets the Why would I leave the OW when our marriage can't be a guarentee, then if it does not work I have no one. Of course my response was .... " So the OW someone you have only been screwing for 7 months is more of a guarentee than a 24 year marriage, how crazy is that?"

But anyway for someone who does not care or loves me anymore why does he find is necessary to know every move I make , where I go , who I see...... Askes the kids contantly how is your mom? Is she home? I know if it was me and I really didn't care I wouldn't ask anything about him. Maybe I am just grasping at straws here, heck I don't know....

I just seem to be rambling on here with no real point ..... Just so many questions and no answers.....



Hurting

I was talking to a buddy last night about the fact that I have a high standard of what FWS repentance looks like to me. I wish I could explain to the BS the experience I had as a WW that led me to the spiritual bottom. When I asked FBH about reconciliation, there was no air of bargaining, negotiation or 'I am doing you a favor, you should jump on it before I change my mind'

Maybe it is just a 'chick thang', but my reconciliation proposal conversation was like a lobotomy on a Logan's Roadhouse table. I had my hopes, dreams, my soul and my heart in my hands. I placed it on the table in front of the man that I had horribly betrayed. I could only hope that he still had enough love for me not to take that package I had placed there for him, and toss it in the margarita mixer on the bar (figuratively speaking, hopefully).

It was the most vulnerable I had felt since, I can't remember when. I am lucky that he accepted my offer and when I came home, I was 100% committed, accepting of the good bad and the ugly, no holes barred. I can still feel the physical sensation of that repentance.

Don't settle BS, don't settle.

Jean,

Thanks for your perspective...My FWS made alot of promises to me when I was not sure if I was ready to take him back...His view of the A was that it was just physical and he was never going to leave me and the kids for the OW, that was never a thought in his mind.

Now that he knows I 'm not leaving, he does not seem to be working as hard on the M as before...I feel like he thinks, well, she's not going anywhere, she's here to stay, and I don't have to work at it anymore. He tells people that our M is stronger than ever, but that is only his point of view. I think that it WILL Be stronger, but we are not there yet.

Any suggestions on how to get out of this trap of settling for what he is offering, which is not much at this point? (note, there is no contact and it is not withdrawal, but he does suffer from depression and tends to withdraw).

Thanks!

I don't know if there is a clear cut difference between men and women waywards. People talk about the men being angry and wanting to just push it under the rug. I wish some FWH would chime in.