Hi everyone. I'm new here. Was invited by another user.

My H and I have been seperated since October 2005. The M had been in bad shape since our daughter was born in 1999. I wasn't giving him enough attention, was making decisions about work vs. daycare without his approval (mostly because he wouldn't express an opinion, except that I HAD to work -- while I felt being a full time mom was more important), etc.

We'd been together since 1993, and married since 1997, but communication had become excruciating. He got mad and bruised me one day, then disappeared and stayed gone for 5 days back in September; but after that he came back. In October, he told me that he still loved me, but wasn't "in love with me". He also told me that he had "come back too soon". This was the first inkling that I had that he wasn't entirely devoted to our M, even though it was no secret between us that things had been rough since the baby was born.

He went to work that day and didn't call or come back. Two days later, for the first time in our M, I searched his car <he'd left it in the garage, and taken his work car when he left> and I found a photo of him with strippers all over him. Two days later, the cell phone bill came. I found that he had been spending thousands of minutes (4,000 per month on average!) on the phone with many, many other women.

I started calling the numbers, and found one affair that went as far back as October of 1991. My H plays walk-on arena league pro football <he's a police officer at home> and while out of town on a game weekend, he had an A with another woman. She told me that over the past 4 years, she has travelled to other cities to meet him out of town when he played ball (she's a sports rep), three or so times per year. She knew that he was a cop, and he told her he wasn't married, no children.

There was another girl with whom he used to play basketball. She knew he was married, and had chastised him for not "paying more attention to his wife". After she moved 3,000 miles away, he continued to call her, until she told him to leave her alone.

There were many other women, just from a 1 month phone bill. Most were EA's, and some of his "just friends" were fiercely defensive of their relationships. It was excruciating to go through, and complicated by the fact that I have a serious STD, that H didn't bother to mention to the OW.

Some were relatively "new" relationships, where he had met someone at a bar <was supposed to be at Denny's having after-game meal with the guys>, and said he was "divorced". He apparently had a whole gamit of different relationships going.

I immediately filed for divorce, which I know now was not the Plan A/B thing to do. *sigh* Without getting into the complicated details, he has refused to communicate with me whatsoever, and has been sporatic, at best, in keeping in contact with our 6-year old daughter. Those two were not very well bonded before the split (probably because he just hasn't been around that much since she was born, duh), and now she's seems perfectly happy to NOT have him around. I've had her in Christian counseling since the seperation, and he has had a psych eval done; and her counselor suggests that I not push her to have relationship with him, as they think he's just going to dump her eventually anyway, and move on.

When when my friend pointed me here, I got hope that I could at least TRY to reconcile, and that's what I've been doing, starting by <I guess plan B in the process> getting him the message that I'm forgiving of him, that I think there's hope for the marriage, that I see where I didn't give him love bank deposits <in layman's terms, of course> ... generally trying to let him know that I'm warm, open and willing to talk.

I had even, these past few days, inadvertantly thrown our little girl into the mix, and I had begun suggesting to her that we forgive Daddy, and open our lives back up to him. At first she seemed open to it, but once he did respond positively to an invitation for the three of us to have lunch <it took him several days to accept the invitation >, she had already decided that he couldn't be trusted, and she refused to go to the luncheon today.

Now I don't know what to think or to do. I told his voice mail today how sorry I was that she had refused to come to lunch with him. I didn't feel it was appropriate for me just to show up to the lunch alone, knowing as I do that it's really our daughter that he wants to have relationship with, not me. It's so ironic. He wants a relationship with his daughter, but she'll have nothing to do with him. I want a relationship with him <and for him to have one with our daughter!>, but he'll have nothing to do with me.

Having found this site, I'm convinced that I'm married to a serial cheater. His psych eval revealed him as paranoid narcissistic. I have no idea if I'm up against one woman, or if there are many other women. Rumor has it that he already has another baby on the way with someone else.

What do I do now?

At what point is proceeding with the divorce simply the only realistic answer? We go to court on March 20th. When he left, he tied my hands financially, and we are about to lose the house.

If he isn't even willing to TALK about it, what chance is there that he'll commit to a program like this one with contracts and honesty/accountability agreements? At what point do I focus on helping my child and myself to simply move on without him?

It sure doesn't look like he's thinking about coming back.

Thank you for listening.

My name is Ronda.

[color:"red"]edit to add:

Having read even more of the MB site and boards since posting this on the Just Found Out board earlier today, I know that most of my questions are already answered in the experiences of the board participants here.

Let this be my introduction then, and my plea for support, both as I figure out what I WANT to have happen with my M, and as I venture to move forward with accepting and participating in whatever relationship my H ends up having with my DD.

All I can say is: Thanks for being here. I had no idea that these principles and concepts were even available. As hurt as we all are, let there at least be comfort in that we are all in this together.

Blessings to you all!

Ronda

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Hi Rhonda,

Your situation is very tough---it does look like you're married to a sex addict (serial cheater). While these types can change, there's not a lot you can do to force it---they need to want to do it for themselves, as well as their family. The fact that he doesn't have much of a bond with daughter isn't a good sign.

You could approach him with an offer of reconciliation, but only if he is willing to get professional help for his sex addiction. I would guess that he would be unwilling to meet these terms---but you could be worse off if he said yes---then you need to figure out if he's telling the truth (serial cheaters are notorious liars), and if he'll be able to stick with the program. You add this to the rumor that he has another woman pregnant---it would be my suggestion that you divorce him ASAP for financial protection. If he would be willing to reconcile, you could consider it after divorce.

And Rhonda---I've been on these boards for years, and only have mentioned divorce a few times. I just don't see much upside potential for you to fight for your husband at this point. I'm sorry that you're facing this.

Welcome to marriage builders. Keep reading here and posting.

What do you mean by he "bruised" you?

We had two instances of violence in the entire 13 year marriage. The first one was when DD was 3 mos old. H and I argued, I tried to go into the spare bedroom to let the situation difuse. He was angry that I had "walked out" on the argument, broke the bedroom door down, and physically held me down so he could scream at me. IOW, he didn't hit me, but he did "restrain" me <which is something that drives me crazy, and I won't tolerate ANY violence>. I called 911 that time (DH is a COP, remember, and he was not only embarassed, but got into a lot of trouble, even being busted down to the corrections facility for several months. I think now that DH really, really resented me for calling 911, but that's all I could think of to do with him being so enraged and the new baby right there in the house.

This second time, just before we seperated was equally as weird. He had been on patrole all day while I was sunning, swimming and playing with our DD and neighbor kids all day. Reconstructing from the cell phone record, he spent 45 minutes on the phone with one of his "Just Friends", Emily, before he came into the back yard. He wanted to reconstruct a recent argument we had had, and I didn't want to participate. I grabbed my towel, and headed into the house, down the hall, and into our master bathroom. He was right on my heals. He got irate saying, "Gee, Ronda. You ALWAYS want to TALK, right? Well, NOW I'm talking. Don't you want to TALK, Ronda?" I asked him to give me a few minutes to wake up <had been snoozing on the pool raft> and get a shower. I guess that wasn't good enough for him. He grabbed me by both arms, near the sholder, and slammed me up onto the bathroom counter and against the mirror. I tried again to escape <being restrained REALLY bugs me>, and he <probably by accident> slammed the bathroom door into my knee.

He left the house immediately <this was the September (labor day) incident>, and when he wasn't home by Tuesday, I went down to Internal Affairs, filed a report, and had the bruised photographed. I wonder now if this second incident wasn't a direct result of either 1)A fight with the OW, or 2)The day he found out the OW was pregnant. Regardless, he took it out on me.

I hope that answers your question. Thanks for your thoughts on this. In all, I'd say that I'm more emotionally eratic than he is by a long shot. Never violent, but definately verbally emotive, can get loud, yell, etc. Part of the problem with a M like ours with violence is that he's 6'3" tall, and weighs over 300 lbs ... built like a linebacker. Plus, him being a cop, he has a way of intimidating, restraining, commanding authority, things like that that he should keep on the job, and not bring home to the M, imo.

OToneH, he generally was a very quiet, reserved, happy-go-lucky type of H. Most of the conversation came from me. The two episodes of violence seemed VERY out of character for him. At this point, he would lose his job if I ever had to call 911 on him again. Further, if I ever filed an order of protection against him, he would lose his job.

I feel more in danger of being totally abandoned by him than I do of him hurting me again. Who knows though?

I am rabidly pro-marriage - I'll let today be one of my few exceptions.

Sorry you need to be here but glad you are all the same.

Keep posting.

I understand what you're saying and would tend to agree with you that there's little hope at this point. Several counselors and X-ians around me have commented that ONLY God is capable of bringing about a change of heart in him. He's a very 'proud' man; he was raised in a culture that is typically fatherless; once he's scorned, he has HUGE issues learning to forgive <even the smallest infractions>; and, as I mentioned, he's unwilling to even speak to me <communication was a HUGE issue in our M.

Yes, if only for financial relief, I still plan to go before the judge on March 20th. It's taken me this long just to get a hearing for emergency financial relief. He's sending some money every two weeks, for child support, but he left us to pay over $4k per month just to keep the house running. I'm seriously in the hole right now, and barely able to work (I'm a Realtor) since DD in in K-garten and only goes to school until 1 pm M-F. Sheesh. How did things ever get this bad?

With regard to the MB program in particular, H will have serious issues with keeping a daily calendar, honestly answering "where have you been for 4 hours?" type questions, and with disclosure of anything. His cop training has him brainwashed into thinking that the LESS you say about anything, the better. I'm more of a full disclosure person, often telling him more than he wanted or needed to know about everyday events. I know him well enough to know that he would HATE the MB program, and I've already been acused of trying to be "his mother", and of wanting to be married "to a robot that I can control." Funny, I took all that to heart before I realized he was just covering up his voluminous cheating these past <at least> 5 years.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. It's a one-day-at-a-time thing, now. I know that I somehow have to do everything I can to physically and financially protect DD and me right now, all the while trying to balance the PlanA/B thing of avoiding angry outbursts, while somehow trying to plant the idea in his mind that he's left the ones who love and understand him most, behind.

Whatever happens to your marriage, I think this site will help you. Read about the policy of joint agreement - that might help in eliminating some conflicts.

I would put Plan A into practice and see what happens.

That's what I've done and am doing. I made the first efforts at communication without bringing in any LB's last week in a letter. Unfortunately, I had to send it through my MIL <who hates me, and has my WH convinced that not ALL marriages are sanctioned by God, IOW, that our M is disposable>. I ran the letter by my MB gf after I sent it, and she said that the part addressed directly to him was pretty good, but that I was a little harsh with the MIL. *sigh* I have sooo much anger, and so few constructive things to do with it.

Can I just gripe here? My MIL went so far as to say that my destroying my WH's clothing on D-day is equal to his having numerous A's on me all these years. Sheesh. Am I just crazy here?!?! From what I'm reading, my reaction to finding out was fairly normal. Since when is someone's wardrobe as important as an actual PERSON?

Anyway, I guess what I've initiated is somewhat of a Plan A. I'm being VERY nice to him <what little/hardly ever we that we do talk>. I'm avoiding Love Buster's, being empathetic to his situation, trying to fill the love bank. I told him in te letter that I would do everything I could do to help him with the withdraw, but that he would have to seperate from the OW or women. See? I don't even know what I'm up against yet. Is there one significant OW, or are there many OW that are meeting his ego/emotional needs?

My plan now <assuming he will call again at some point to speak to DD> is to ask him to meet privately with me so that I can pass of some of the MB site info to him, and to ask him if there's one woman, or many, etc., just to try to get a grip on where we stand at this very moment.

After that, I assume I'll have to move into Plan B fairly quickly, and just cut off communication entirely. Heck, we're almost there already anyway. Then, I'll wait until the court hearing to see if he's motivated at all when the judge orders him to pay back the money he's cost us, orders alimony, increases the child support, orders the house sold and his 401k liquidated, etc. His selfishness and materialism alone may motivate him to at least think about reconciliation.

I'm still praying daily about whether I even WANT to reconcile. DD and I are probably, truth be told, happier now without him in the house. He was pretty foul to be around, probably because of his guilt about being such a dog/cheater. Sullen moods, demanding, uncommunicative, unwilling to say where he was going and coming back, mad when my work kept him from his precious football roadtrips, etc. Again, **sheesh**. Who needs it?

I think that without him, we will eventually survive and thrive. It's sad to think that we're better off alone, but it would appear for now that we are.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't pass on any MB information to him. They don't like to be educated. Start changing your behaviors. You need to do Plan A for about 3 months.

You can look at anything that he complained about in the marriage and make changes during this time. You need to show him that you are able to change. That may let him see that he needs to change also.

Don't worry about your MIL. That is a common reaction. My WH's family has never confronted him about his 3 years of living with the OW, but let me make a tiny mistake, and they are very angry.

Um, ok. Shoot! I thought just reading some of this site might help him see that I'm serious about at least trying to reconcile, that we are not alone in this, and that there are logical and practical ways to rebuild our love for one another. But if you advise against it ...


Well, most of our problems seem to be what Dr. Harley refers to as the recreational time thing. We simply had seperate interests and seperate activities. hehehe, stupid me, I thought we were both just "secure" in the marriage and happy enough to be living our own dreams and lives. <Thumps self on forehead>.

So, would you suggest that I just start showing up at the gym all of a sudden and start working out with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> How 'bout if I find out when and where the next game is, and I show up there just to support the living crap out of him?

Other issues that caused major marital issues:

Different parenting styles (I'm a laid-back hippy/happy parent - he's a strict, OC regimentarian who tolerates NO infractions in protocol.)

I drink <in moderation, but as part of my overall lifestyle.> Happy hour is fun for me, going to social functions, etc. He is totally into being an athelete, and absolutely HATES alcohol.

I had already given up alcohol completely for months at a time while we were still in the M, just in deference to his negative feelings about it. After the S, and right before D-day, he told me that my not drinking didn't make a difference in the relationship, but he did complain that I don't have any "hobbies".

Which that, in itself, is funny. My hobbies are church, weekly church activities (Upward Soccer for DD, Family Dinner night, Life Change Univ classes at church, etc.), and my main hobby, debating theology on the internet. According to him, ONLY working out/sports are valid hobbies. All other hobbies are "stupid." Oh, and DD and I raise dwarf hampsters. Another "stupid" hobby, according to DH.

So you're saying that now, and for the next few months, my plan is just to be nice to him when he calls DD? And, of course, to work on my own aggrevating habits/behaviours? Do you have any suggestions on how I can bring up that I want to spend time together. AND, I desperately feel the need to know if there's one OW who has his attention right now, and if it's true that there's another baby on the way. So far, he's just denied the baby, and hung up when asked. Like you said <I think>, he's not likely to be honest anyway. How am I just supposed to pretend that I'm all warm and fuzzy when I'm really about to wring his neck for just not telling me what I'm up against?



That's just soooo wrong! How can they be that way?!? It disgusts me to no end. I guess I'm the type of person who can face and handle just about anything, as long as I have all the facts. When people just want to stick their heads in the sand and pretend that their baby boy would NEVER do anything wrong .... well, I want to just kill 'em.

I'm glad my GF pointed me here, though. At least now I know that I'm not alone.

Thanks for your help, Believer. I'm open to just about any suggestion you have from here on out.

Do you ever watch "Cops" - the show on TV? Is it any wonder that he doesn't like drinking?

Amp up your parenting style. Both parents need to be on the same page.

Also I would get busy doing some sports stuff. Get your own life.

The church thing is fine, but taking care of stuff at home must come first.

Plan A is very difficult. You don't focus on what he is doing, you just make changes in yourself to show him what a great spouse you could be.

And keep the dwarf hampsters - I love those!!!!!!

LOL! Yeah, they're cute. We just had babies again two weeks ago. He hates them. He hates pets in general, and once threw the dog cuz it barked at him when he snuck in the house one night.

His aversion to drinking was there before he became a cop. He was just raised in a very Baptist household. Which is why his A(s) were such a shock! He was the one who, in the beginning of the relationship, woo-ed me with scripture. It wasn't until about 2001 (one A started then) that he quit going to church with us all together. Even during these past 5 years, he's pretended to be the pillar of society. When other couples around us fell apart due to A's, he'd make a big presentation of condemning it. It was all a bunch of lies.

Listen, Believer: I already DO have my own life. I've had my own life for a long time. I'm 10 years older than DH, for one thing. I have a career that I love, am a wonderful, active parent. Church is where I mix, mingle, learn and hangout. I also spend much time at home; cooking, cleaning, doing fun things.

What you (or I one) don't seem to understand is that DH and I have NO RELATIONSHIP right now. He doesn't call, refuses to speak to me when I call him, always has voice mail on, probably taping, etc. I HAVE GONE ON WITH MY LIFE ALREADY. I've been just been waiting on a court date so that I can formally kick this bum to the curb, until my friend pointed me toward this site.

I know that sounds harsh, but if he will have absolutely nothing to do with me, not even speak on the telephone, and my life already has gone on, how does sticking around in Plan A help anyone?

I guess I'm not understanding you. He and I don't speak to one another. I've got full custody of our DD, and she refuses to see or speak to him. I have gone on with my life, and either 1)he can't see what an attractive spouse I am cuz he's not here to see it, or 2)he knows he doesn't deserve me and doesn't know that there are ways to recover from all this destructive crap he's caused.

Whay you're saying doesn't make sense because:

1. If I "don't focus on what he's doing" and just go on with my life ... well, I will have just gone on. End of story. The judge divides it all up, and it's over. Cuz that's what I'm already doing.... not focusing on what he's doing, going on with my life.

2. There's nothing wrong with my parenting style, and even if there were, I'm now a single parent. There are not two of us <parents> here to agree or disagree about anything. He is not asking for custody, or even for visitation. He asked for visitation early on, and I made him have a psych eval. The psych then told me not to "push DD to have a relationship" with DH. He then never pursued visitation. He is simply persona non grata in DD's life.

Anyway, I'm trying to make sense of what you're saying, but I think I've done those suggestions already. I am doing my own life <and as I stated earlier, am pretty much happier without the butt heat in the house>, no one has questioned or done anything but applaud my parenting skills <DD has been in counseling since d-day>, and I do do sports stuff. DD and I ice skate, and we even went skiing superbowl. No, I don't care for huffing/puffing working out at the gym, and yes, I'm a little resentful about the sport of football right now, but heck, why should I take on HIS hobby, when he's not even around to give a darn one way or the other?

grrr. I'm not mad at you, believe. I'm just frustrated. I can't MAKE HIM WANT TO RECONCILE, especially if he won't talk to me. I've been "going on with my life" for 6 months now. So much of this is ON HIM now, imo. He's the one who cheated. He's the one who won't communicate. He's the one who left the DD and the bills behind. Why on this earth should I do anything for him? Give up church? Start working out? Just for him?

You're kidding me, right?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Heavan,

I think you may not understand something. You mentioned that you would like to save your marriage, Believer, is trying to offer ways for you to make inroads toward that goal. And oddly enough it is usually the betrayed spouse, BS, that does most of the work initially. It is not fair, it is not right, but it is what it is. If your marriage were to recover, you will find that your H will pay the price later, when the guilt and remorse hit him.

Now this brings me to K's post to you. He and I have been around here a long time, no is '69 is bogus <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />, actually the man cannnot type, he registered in 99. However, he had been in counseling with the Harley's long before that and his story is amazing. He is the reason I still post here I think. Listen to him.

Here is why. You H has been diagnosed with a narcisstic disorder, there are no plans on this site that can address such a thing. Now the diagnosis may be incorrect, human behavior sciences are not really science. But, the first question you need to ask yourself is WHY you want this marriage to persist IF in fact you do.

This is important for many obvious reasons. Oddly, one of them is here. The people here will help you no matter what you decide. There is a huge amount to learn about relationships here and frankly one of the reasons second marriages don't last as often as first marriages is because people don't learn from their mistakes in the first marriage. Those mistakes include not figuring out why you selected the mate you did the first time.

I hope you hang around, read, and ask plenty of questions no matter what you decide to do. But, first you need to decide what you truely want. Recovery is very difficult and you really cannot do it with one foot out the door. It is tough stuff.

You have every reason to leave, but apparently you have some reasons for staying. Please think about them and keep posting and asking.

God Bless,

JL

PS: What believer said about educating your H...listen to her. If you H is in an affair, it will do nothing but tic him off and make him even more defensive. If he becomes defensive nothing you say or do will help much. You want his defenses to come down. And yes showing up to work out where he does, might be an interesting thing to do. It will provide you with more information and data no matter how this whole thing works out.

Thank you, JL! I re-read K's post.



See below.


Thank you. I shall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


See? That's what I'm talking about. Of COURSE, it would be NICE if I could save my marriage. I would love that ... if I thought for a lingering minute that it was ever REAL to begin with. Or if I had hope that he would work on his sex addiction and get treatment for his disorder(s), plural. <remember? He's diagnosed paranoid pd as well!>. Of course, if those things could happen, I would want what I thought was my marriage back. Heck, I'm just the kind of competitive and stubborn gal who would be willing to do the sacrificing and the hard work to get 'er done, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sadly though, I'm afraid that what K has said is all too true. Both psych's confirm it <mine, who did the eval on DH; and DD's psych, who treats her exclusively, but did spend some time in session with both WS and DD early on is the S>. Plus, in the back of my mind, I've suspected for a long time that he's a narcissist. I have a background in psych myself, and the times that I said to him, "You can't *seriously* be *this* selfish?!?", still echo in my mind. LOL!

So yes, I guess I'm still in the shock and awe phase where I'm willing to explore things that might effect reconciliation. But in reality, reconciliation really doesn't seem likely, and there's not much I can do about that. It seems to me that it's the personal healing process, then, to focus on; not on M(arriage) B(uilding), per se.


Well, I totally get that. From the first day I started reading Drs. H's site, I knew that even if this M does end, that there's tons of stuff I can do now to learn to have healthier relationships in the future!! I know my M had issues. All M's do, don't they?

I didn't realize I could find support here in the case that I don't decide to grit my teeth, bite my knuckles, and force my way through this program in order to stop the screaming freight train that is our impending divorce. It would be one thing if my WH were healthy, or at least willing to address his own issues. But since he's not ...

So, since you posted your reply, and I've re-read K's, I don't feel so *guilty* about going on with my life w/out him, proceeding with the D, and doing what I have to do to take care of my DD, who is, in all of this, the most innocent victim of all. She deserves that much, don't you think?


Well, I'll continue to pray about that, but you've nailed it. I have one foot out the door already, and I've been busy putting my shoe on the other one for a month or more now. DD and I have found a nice apt we'd like to move in to. Spring is near, and my fun career will get into full swing again. Soccer season starts soon!

I guess I'm an over-acheiver who thought that because this program was here, and so many were successful at recovery, that I should at least give my M another shot. I need to decide for myself now what I really want for the next phase of my life. Today it doesn't seem that there's much use for WH in it, unless he makes serious efforts to get help. Who knows? Only time will tell.

I need to get over this feeling that I'm letting God down; or that I'm breaking my covenant with God and my H. I'm a very loyal, altruistic person, and I meant what I said when I made those darn vows! That hurts me. I thought he meant them too, and moreover, that he was CAPABLE of keeping them. Maybe he's just not. Regardless, I need to get past the guilt and the sense of failure now. I truly need to get on with my life, and make the most of what DD and I have now.


Thank you. I will. There's so much to read and learn here, my head is spinning trying to absorb it all. Time is my friend though. They say it heals all wounds, and I have experienced that to be true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



LOL. hmmmmm. I think I might do just that!! If for no other reason than to data-gather.

And yes, Believer has been quite helpful. I'm just going to be a sweet, sweet pussycat, and give his defenses time to come down. Then, as you said, maybe after the divorce, he and I can become "friends" again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Meanwhile, I do go to pieces every once in a while. It's a daily thing where the wounds are reopened regularly. It will be nice to have a place to vent and share.

Thanks folks! It's goood not to be alone!!

Heaven,

You should give your marriage a shot, and getting him to lower his defenses is a very good way to do that. As you said, even if you divorce him you two still share a daughter. However, unless he seeks counseling there is little you can do.

You may find it interesting but Dr. Harley, will not counsel anyone with addictions (drugs, alcohol, etc) because as a long time counselor to people with these affliction he knows that the addition will overcome the efforts to rebuild the marriage. The addictions MUST be addressed first.

I think in your H's case the same thing must happen. What I find bothersome is that he is a cop and allowed to carry a weapon. Especially after the domestic abuse charges. This is a very scary situation.

So keep reading, leave the door open, encourage to seek help (although I doubt he will because if nothing else to do so, might threaten his job), and be as pleasant as you can while making plans for your future.

One never knows how things will work out, but one is foolish to ignore the data.

God Bless,

JL

That is the beauty of this place. You've had some great input here from K and JL, and Flukeboy.

I think that the best thing is to keep coming here for support to work through this. Whatever happens, you will be a changed person.

Yes, I hear you. I'm going to continue in counseling too. I brought baggage and issues into the M of my own. I've been working on my issues for a long time, though, and I'm quite familiar with the process of taking personal responsibility for my own poor choices. At some point I have to stop taking the blame for poor choices of others though. You'd have to know some of my personal history to understand <my mom committed suicide when I was young, father was alcoholic, I am recovered from cocaine addiction 17 yrs, but am still drinking, which is probably risky behaviour, the serious STD I mentioned, etc.>


Yes, I do find that interesting. I guess it's fairly easy for DH to look at my overt issues (abandonment, addiction, angry outbursts, etc.), and for him to think, just because he doesn't drink, that he's NOT addicted to anything. The denial!! lol. He'd fall off his chair if you suggested that such a fine, upstanding public servant, the alterboy, the pro-football hopeful ...if you suggested to him that HE's the one with the "addiction" problem. lol.

It's interesting to me now, in retrospect: I've been in Celebrate Recovery and NA for many years. DH came to the meetings from time to time just a appease me, under the pretense of helping me with *my* stuff. About a year ago, I had the second incident where I found pornography downloaded onto the family PC. The first time he out and out lied about it, and since I couldn't prove it, I dropped it, about halfway believing him, the other half blaming my nephew who had access to the machine at the time.

But the second time ... I had just recovered the hard drive from a crash. DH was the ONLY one who had access to the computer, and there it was! I was shocked, but not because I'm naive or a prude or anything. I was shocked simply because this man put up such a front about being sooo righteous, so anti-cheating, so goody-two-shoes!!

I remember talking about it to the leader of our main CR group. His addiction was Every Man's Battle, and he cautioned me then that I might have a "problem on my hands." I just couldn't believe it. It was so obvious that it was me who had the addictive personality; me who had the emotional issues ... the problem couldn't possibly be partly HIM!!

I asked him to go to EM'sB then, but he insisted that it was a "one-time" thing, and that it would never happen again. What a joke.

It was several months after D-day that I was searching some history and cookies and found a popular sex dating site in history. I poked around there, searching for his ID, and I accidentally pressed the 'hide screen' button. This Weather thing popped up, saying "Check the weather in YOUR city." This eerie, eerie feeling washed over me. I had seen that screen before!!

I called my neice to the computer, and asked her if that weather screen thing looked familiar to her. She started freaking out!! She had spent the night one night and got up to potty. She saw DH 'working' on the computer, and she asked what he was doing. He was going away to play ball that weekend, and he told her he was checking the weather in the city he was going to play in.

**sheesh** That was it!! I'd seen that screen several times, with the exact same excuse. What an idiot I was. I totally trusted him. Man! I could just kick myself for that!! Oh well, never again. *sigh*

Anyway, yeah. He's an addict all right. I admit it!! lol. Now, he's going to have to admit it too, just like I admitted my problem with cocaine all those years ago and finally got help. I wonder what it will take for him to come out of denial and admit it? I mean, crap. He's already got the potential of spreading my dreadful STD around, and yes, I did tell the young women that they were at risk. My std is nothing to sneeze at, can be life-threatening if not treated, and can be passed pre-natal from mother to child. One would think that the many angry phone calls he got from the OW alone would be enough to bring wake him up.


Yes, it is scary. And honestly, I have no idea, as I've said, what I'm really up against. His entire tactic since D-day has been SILENCE. He could realistically be afraid that he'll face criminal charges for spreading the STD, if he has spread it, and one of the women presses charges. He is probably afraid of losing his job, as he should be. He's behaved reprehensibly, and the ones who seem to be "paying" for that now are me, DD, and the unsuspecting public. Regardless of what he's "afraid" of, I definitely felt the psych's directive for me to protect DD from the WH was urgent and sincere. It's been like putting puzzle pieces together, really. And now that they've come together somewhat, I'm not sure I'm even looking at a picture of the man that I *thought* I married. It's a frightening and confusing thing to figure out, one piece at a time, and is more frustrating to me because he simply won't volunteer clarifying information.


I will keep reading, but the door, I'm afraid, is closing. ;(


Foolish, indeed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for bringing up Flukeboy, as I had previously missed his post.


Did I read your advice correctly, Flukeboy? You usually support M 100%, but in this case, not so much?

Is that what you're saying? I wholeheartedly believe that people outside of a situation can often see it much more clearly than those on the inside of it.

Maybe I am just blind as a bat, and I can't even see one when I'm smacked between the eyes with it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Grrrr. I'm sooo angry!

I don't want to be *nice* to him. I want, rather, to wring his lying, cheating neck!!

He risked my safety by potentially bringing home new std's.

He risked the safety of others by not telling them about my std and using protection. Another innocent child is potentially at risk.

He risks the public safety by not being tested and disclosing the std.

He has all but abandoned our beloved, Darling Daughter, who did nothing but look up to him and admire him. He's letting his own selfishness keep him from swallowing his pride and getting the help he needs to recover THEIR relationship, let alone the M.

He left us broke with bills coming in daily, bill collectors calling ME, not him, the house in need of repair, the mortgage now past due. He walked out on all of it, and now he's sailing along without any of the responsibility, yet still, presumably, having his own selfish EN's met.

He abandoned me knowing how much I hate being abandoned! He abandoned me knowing I could get very, very sick, and even die, leaving DD without a mom or a father. He abandoned me knowing that I absolutely adored him, that I thought he was my hero, and that I admired him above any other man I had ever known, including my own beloved father.

He even had his OW calling me in the early months, telling me what a crummy wife I was, and how much they just adore him. What a sicko!! How sick does a person have to be to inflict pain on another human being like that?

I don't know you guys. I think the judge is going to throw the book at him, then I'm going to kick him to the curb. DD is better off without him.

I made the mistake when I invited a bum like that into my life 13 years ago. That's my biggest mistake of all, and the one I'm going to work my ever-loving butt off to avoid in the future.

Thanks for letting me vent like this!! Like I said, I participate on another board, in theology. The members there have had no idea what I've been going through inside, and when I do bring up the M problems, really can do nothing but wring their hands and sigh. At least I know now that I'm not the only one who's been subjected to this kind of crap from a heartless, uncaring, selfish, WS!!

Ok, I'm calm again now. **whew**

I'll TRY to be **nice** to him, if and when he ever calls again. I really can't promise anything though, until I can work through some of this anger. Is there a place here to do that?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Even if I get a divorce but deep down left open the possibility of a reconciliation- how should I communicate this to my H, or should I?

Should I spell it all out in a letter before the actual divorce hearing...as far as what I would expect him to do if he ever wanted to reconcile? Along with what I would be willing to do? For example, counseling/accountability and things like that?

How would I recognize it if he were to do a 180 and turn around and want to work on the M or relationship? What would a real recovery look like in our situation?

Can I even do Plan A for three mos. now since the divorce hearing is March 8 (or whenever it is). Or is it better to just say and do everything through our attorneys at this point and forget Plan A altogether? Can I do Plan A still- even if I'm not even sure if I would reconcile or should I even communicate with him at this point if we are divorcing?

Also, what follows is the letter I sent to my WH last week, through his mother, in email. Let me know, if you will, what you think. <As of yet, there's been no acknowledgement or it or response, and I've left him 2 voice msgs now that I'd like to speak with him re our DD. Last night, he had my MIL call and poke around to see if DD was all right. I was nice, but hung up promptly, giving her no details. I did ask her if she had a "plan". She had said to me in an email that she could care less about our M, but that her plan was to make sure DD was ok. lol. I asked her to lay out for me her specific plan. She mumbled around, said she didn't really have a plan except to hope and to pray .... etc. I told her that I thought that was good, but that I was hoping for some more concrete plan of action than just hoping and praying.

Here's the letter:

[color:"red"] Dear ***:

I have done many things that were soooo wrong to you. I apologize to you now and make this committment to you:

If you will open the door of communication I promise that I will not harm you. I will not burst out in anger. I will not blame you. I will not attack you or demean you in any way. I will take responsibility for the things that I have done that made you look outside of our relationship to meet your emotional needs. I will support you should you decide to continue with the divorce, but I will, very soon, end the divorce proceedings that I started on my own. I will do absolutely everything that I can do to identify your deepest emotional and physical needs including your needs to be admired, to feel deep and abiding affection from me. I will give you my undivided attention when you need it. I will listen to you without judging you. I will give you my passion in bed, and I will support the endeavors that are important to you.

I will ask you to end your relationships with the other women, and to begin to rebuild the trust relationship between us that has been destroyed. There is no other way that we can heal and mend this marriage if you won't give up the other women. I know that it will be hard for you, and that you will suffer withdrawal from her or them, but I will help you and stand by you as you go through that sadness. I will expect us both to agree to complete and total honesty between us, and to agree that no decisions be made unless BOTH of us are completely happy with the decision. (I know that I failed you greatly in this regard, and made many marital decisions without your approval. For that, I'm truly sorry.) I will refrain from attacking you in any and all ways, and will instead work as hard as I can work make you happy. I will expect the same committment from you.

Even if our marriage can't be saved, in all honesty, I see this (reconciliation) as the only path to you regaining your relationship with Jada. I know you must be hurting that she is rejecting you, and I'm so sorry that things have turned out this way. My heart breaks for you each and every time she rejects your calls. I've begged her to forgive you, to let you in again, and I will continue to encourage her to seek a relationship with you.

I can tell you that I believe in the deepest parts of my heart that the relationship CAN be restored, simply because I believe that God expects us to be respectful to one another, and for us to keep the vows we made to one another in the beginning. AND, because I believe, also with ALL of my heart, that God is capable of ALL THINGS. He wants us to be in relationship with one another, whatever form that relationship may take in the future. But it will take much work, committment, communication, and caring, for BOTH of us.

As I said, I don't expect it to be easy. In some ways, not only am I happier now (as I'm sure you are), but I also know that it would be "easier" to just throw it all away. If I were not a praying Christian, I would just take the easy way out and continue with the divorce. Again, as I said to Denise, I think that, in the end, we WILL HAVE to reconcile to one another in order to be reconciled to God. I think that I prefer to do that now, in this life, rather than on His judgement seat, in front of all creation.

I want you to know that in spite of how hurt and angry I've been, that I have prayed for you almost every single day since you left. I know that in spite of your words, that you must be hurting, and I pray that God will relieve your pain. If it makes any difference at all, just know that I forgive you, and continue to forgive you on a daily basis. I hope that you will forgive me too.

What I'm suggesting may seem impossible, radical, even crazy. But I think that you, SAM are worth the effort, that I, Ronda am worth the effort, and that moreover, JADA is worth the effort. If we both sincerely try to rebuild the relationship, and it doesn't work, I'll let you go, but knowing, at least, that I did everything in my power that I could to keep us together as a family. I pray that you do not blame me for my desire to do that. I'm asking you to consider, prayerfully, what I am suggesting. I await your response.

Meanwhile, know that I love you, not only as your wife, but as your sister in Christ Jesus. Even if you reject me here, I will continue to pray that God will heal your heart, and that you will find the happiness and fulfillment that you are searching for. I know that in spite of you saying that you are at "peace", that you have to be hurting inside. I don't want you to hurt. I want you to be whole. I want to be whole, too.

There are many things that I want to say to you, to comfort you, and to help us both to understand what it is that we're going through. This has been, in all honesty, one of the hardest things that I have ever done or been through. Just know that I love you, not only as your earthly wife, but as your sister in Christ Jesus. I pray, above all, that He will touch you in a way that you have never been touched before, and that He will meet all of your needs, in all abundance. I await your answer now with full expectation that God will honor this humble request to reconcile us to one another, and eventually, Jada and you.[/color]

FYI: I know now that I cannot simply drop the D and still protect DD and me financially ... so IF he does decide to talk, we'll have to negotiate 1)his plan of recovery for sex addiction, then 2)our plan of recovery for our M, then 3) my gf here says that even in continuing the D, that I can make it clear to the judge that I want M counselling, and see if she'll order that for us. Then, we can take the next legal moves from there. Dropping the D might be good motivation for him to learn to N with me ... and that alone would be a great first step. Don't cha think?