Ok.

The cute resident and I are at a standstill. Our schedules aren't meshing and he's not really imho trying to help me out...he perfectly darn well knows I am a great mom...and he has become king of the text messages and can send a ton...but getting together has been a daunting task. Thus, I am expanding horizons yet again.

Revamped my old profile and stuck it back up there..."there"...

got some very nice emails from guys I think are ok...so far.

Pretty much billboarded the fact I want a man w/substance...not all fluff. So I tossed out for the whole world to see my xmas list for dating and will see what happens.

I have been cooped up here since thursday night. Feel awful. Horrid. Sore and achy. Taking tamiflu still. and so is ds. He's doing better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He is still coughing and has fever. So that's not good.

I think maybe I have winter cabin fever? Not sure.

Just know that between the doldrums, being overworked and only time off for being sick/ds sick, I am feeling rather dowdy and yucky.

However, being holed up with ds is sweet...I so love him!

Even if he has the flu <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But I still feel dowdy and yucky.

Went back into my hole last few weeks. Got in a rut b/c of xbf and then the cute resident texting me to death and NOT doing anything about it.

That and fact that what would have been my 10th anniversary is looming...the "would've could've shouldve" stuff.

Anybody that thinks divorce is easy should just walk in our shoes. And I am not really one of the "gloom and doomers" about it.

So back to the dating pool I go...RELUCTANTLY.

I think I will take the advice of another fellow dater here and do nothing...just see what happens,

Do NOTHING seems just right for me.

Peachy,

I have found dating is somewhat like the roller-coaster of the divorce. Sometimes I want to find someone, other times I want someone to find me, sometimes I want to be alone.

"Doing nothing now" is right for you if it is what you want at this time. Take a breather, step back and relax... Read a couple of good books and just take it easy. When you are up to it, dive back into the dating scene again if you want.

My life used to be so structured and it isn't anymore. I don't know what I want from one day to the next sometimes. That is why it is always good to just step back at times.

Keith

Thanks Keith.

I am in that...whatever...kind of mood. Whatever. Dealing now with son who is getting over flu. Home 2nd day from work...exhausted as I have now mild version of flu...Tamiflu rocks.

So far..people..men people...are living true to the IGNORE THEM AND THEY WILL COME...philosophy.

So far, here's the lineup of ones I winked back/emailed back...vp of company which works w/military and a bh, pharma exec, airline pilot running for congress, nice business guy, and one who looks just like my xbf. ouch!

Got alot of winks and hits...but only a few thusfar that spark my interest. Ones I like: all have faith as priority, all but one has a child, all state they are seeking permanent relationship, and have kind eyes.

So that's good. They're cute...not hot...but what is hot anyway?

I had the wieredest dream last night. About the xils. Dreamed that we were driving on a trip in their motorhome (very expensive one) and they accidentally drove it into the pool of the hotel where we were staying...(dream yea...b/c who would have need to stay in a hotel if you have a luxury motorhome?)...oh well. weird dream. Is freud in the house? Analysis please?

I do remember thinking as I went to bed...what if I met the one? What if I just settle? What if I don't ever fall in love again? What if I am just doing what it is I think I need to do?

I have no residual issues. I have been presumed very very mentally healthy and given the "thumbs up" by my former awesome counselor to date...and remarry. I want to have love and romance in my life...but what is it?

It's like I complain darn it that I am single.

Then when I get myself "out there" again I complain that I don't want to be out there anymore.

Wierd.

Totally wierd.

My sis says to me that I need to just stay out there.

I TOLD HER LAST NIGHT MY GREATEST FEAR IN BEING A SINGLE AGAIN WOMAN IS NEVER BEING ABLE TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN AFTER THE DARTH DISAPPOINTMENT. LIKE I'VE LOST THE ABILITY TO REALLY DO SO.

Does anybody ever feel this way?

well jp, I hear ya... Sometimes it all seems so unfair. We are out there, trying to find someone. Our x's sure didn't seem to have a hard time finding others now did they?! I am not even full well out of M yet and my stbxh is living with ow who is still married for crying out loud. So he is not going with out that companionship now is he? He never has gone without it. Just doesn't seem fair. But I am also not willing to just settle either to not be alone. I feel my wh, if he even stays in this A for any length of time, is just settling for a mentally unstable sloppy second. Someone who "oohs" and "ahhs" over him because any woman in our town who has any self respect would not be with my h knowing his rep.

As for me, as I stated to Keith on his post, I have done the eharmony thing. It is the only one I feel has enuff rep for me to do. I don't feel comfortable with the other ones. We shall see what happens. I have had one match I have been emailing. Sounds like the complete opposite of my wh, well, at least my wh as he is now. I am just taking it slowly. I don't need anyone immediately. I am pretty busy with kids, and work, and full time schooling. I just want to meet someone I can be friends with for awhile, no pressure, and take it from there.

Don't know if this made any sense, just wanted to say that I can def relate peachy! mlhb

All the time.

Well JP, good luck to you! Sounds like you have some interesting guys.

I'm in the Do Nothing/Little Desire phase myself, and feel the much the same as BH. I want to be found some days, other days, alone seems to be working quite well.

I am tired of going/doing things solo though. So, I must be headed in some direction.......

K!

I'm getting nothing on match, then again, I don't look like peachy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
And my ten year would be this year too.
I wouldn't try eharmony again, since they had no matches for me. I'm better than that.
I'm in a stage where I don't have time for anyone. So, I'm doing stuff solo now. Ski weekends by myself, and I always meet people to talk to. This morning I skied with 3 families, and thought - this should have been my married life. But it wasn't, and what I have is really good. My kids are well, work is good and I've been taking care of me.
So, after listening to Dr. Phil on the long ride home, I have a good life, and it will only get better.
It will for all of us - once we are happy with ourselves.

Strong people unite - even in cyberspace.

FREAK OUT...BELOW WARNING....RUNAWAY DATER HAS DONNED HER SHOES AGAIN!

I got emailed from a guy I went out with once before. I agreed to see him again this weekend. He's really nice. He's a pilot...maj. in the army..good job...one teenager...divorced about 12 years...and running for gov. office.

Called me today from orlando to say that he's happy about our date...and WOULD I CONSIDER POSSIBILITY OF MARRIAGE BEFORE SAY MAY???? AS HE'S GETTING REDEPLOYED TO IRAQ AND AFTER DELPOYMENT RUNNING FOR OFFICE.

Major freak out happened here.

I said "Well...does that mean we're having a second date? I mean W...you're a wonderful guy...but I doubt I'd want to MARRY EVEN ME after a month or two.

I just don't know that I can say anything but no..unless you're willing to wait on somebody and get to know them first...I want a M to last..not a quickie, vegas, fly by nite thing. He said: Vegas? Not my style. Something very nice. I said: i hardly remember you...and although I'd love to remarry at a certain spot in the bahamas, my feelings are so deep that I can't just give my heart away to anybody else that quicky. W : But could you think of it? Me: Not really...Not that soon. W: What about the whole year of not seeing me? Me: I'd have to wait. Relationships take time. Not build in a day. Rome wasn't either.

So I freaked out.

Sadly, a face floated into my mind during this...it was my xh's...and I felt suddenly sad and overwhelming urge to say NOOOOOOO!.

Xh incidentally, see gqII, has been being nice lately...and has been helping us get a home...and was nice about job interview I have this week. His words: Just do whawt you do best Peach...make yourself desirable and lay out your objectives. You should get it then.

WTF? What IS HAPPENING TO ME?

am I ever gonna be able to marry again? or am I gonna be haunted by the face of my xh? The man who I know regrets his life?

Why do I have this problem?

I know W is asking far too much of me now. But hey..I do want to remarry.

he just called me back. He said he'd back off. But wants a committment before deployment. I said let's take DATE NUMERO DOS before deciding anything else. I told him that I am going to remarry only once more probably in my life. And that I will remain faithful, and want a happy and long life married. That it will NOT BE A WHIM...it will not be out of anything short of I can't be without that person in my life.

he said that's cool. But to keep an open mind? Me? I HAVE CLOSED IT...FOR ANYTHING QUICK THAT IS.

And why when issues like committment or marriage come up does THAT FACE...DARTH'S FACE...FLOAT UP IN MY HEAD???

Sadly, I think it is b/c my best friend said just yesterday that Darth wasn't done...that the Affair Marriage was crumbling...and that I am doing great moving on...but that NEITHER DARTH OR I WERE REALLY READY FOR A D...WHEN IT HAPPENED...we went into panic mode and self survival mode for each of us.

It was like sacrificing something ......laying it down. Because you could not change the present or the past. I knew only when I d'd him...that I could not live w/the reality of what he'd done. And I couldn't live in such a M. That only God could intervene.

I don't love him anymore...but his face popping up? It happened last year when xbf wanted the committment. It popped up when the other xbf wanted a committment. And it popped up today when the guy I have a date with saturday night wants to marry me.

Am I ever gonna be able to see only the face of the person I am involved with? Or will it always be my xh?

I am soooo healthy. Soo solid. Very stable. But it's scary sometimes. Like when my xh emails me and tells me what to do at the job interview tomorrow. That I should just "make myself desirable to them...and show my medical skills and then weigh their offer"...and then added he'd help me weigh the offer...and for graduate school? He said we could talk about things...if all else fails...no student loan help...no tuition reimbursement...he'd see what he could do.

that stuff may be what is exactly keeping me from moving on permanently. and my heart in neutral.

You can live apart. You can choose NOT to romantically love somebody. But how deep does time go? Esp[ecially when we both had horrid things driving us to divorce. Him, the oc. Me? the horrid actions he made...and fact he couldn't give me what I wanted...NC and OW b/c of oc.

yes. you do.

One song that I listened to and can remember as clear as the dawn is while driving to lawyers's to sign my final divorce papers...I so wanted him to own his issues...to BECOME REPENTANT...and he just sat there and cried..did nothing but cry...and had to walk out of the meeting to cry alone. I so wanted him to break, to see he lost everything in that day...he only saw the threats and lies and guilt the pregnant ow spewed out.

Lay It Down
Jennifer Knapp

seeing as i found a rock in my pocket
seeing as i found a glitch in my soul
make believe won't hide the truth
when judgment falls and it falls on you
bend a knee my friend, bend a knee

Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault
say i believe, i believe
lay it down
this the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah

pride can break a man right down from iron
twist him 'round 'round and tatter up a soul
handprint of God on the small of my back
my second chance, my second chance

i'll bend a knee my friend, i'll bend a knee

Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault
say i believe, i believe
lay it down
this the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah

my heart, my heart redeemed
if it pleases You Love
if it pleases You Love
if it pleases You Love

Lay It Down say it's all my fault, all my fault
say i believe, i believe
lay it down
this the hour of my healing, of my healing, yeah

I remember that day...and what I did. And how I stayed stalwart except for my tears just going down my face too.

It was horrible. Like a bad dream. But it happened. And the terrorist/ow held the gun to his head...and he gave in.

I remember my son crying the next week as he said "I have a new mommy now...do I have to have her?"

Soulloss..
I will always love the man who was my H. Not who he is today.

There's a clear distinction between the two of them.

Easy to see the differences. And it is so transparent for everybody who knows him...me...now and then.

I think when I can't commit...it is the H who's face I am seeing. Not the WS.

My best friend just called. I told T everything.

She understands.

She just says...I miss my sister too. She died in a car wreck five years ago. I see her in my dreams and in my waking thoughts sometimes too. But she's not coming back. You need to move ahead. She said to just focus on NOW...AND IF W MAKES ME FEEL UNEASY WITH THE WANTING MARRIAGE AND COMMITTMENT NOW...THEN I DO NOTHING. Not even sure if she would take the second date, my friend said.

My friends are very very protective of me blessedly.

see my post above...

Guess maybe grief takes more time? Even for those no longer who think they are grieiving?

I am not somebody who will wreck a home...affair home or not.

NOT ME>

and not something I will do.

But why the face? Why? I have DONE SO MUCH TO MOVE ON...I have moved on.

My best friend T is on speakerphone...she's reading too. She says that I should just step back...and get away from the man making me get scared..that I should NOT even consider that yet.

That a year minimum for dating is what I need....or longer before I could be ready to recommit.

She's right. T', you're one awesome person.

and Soulloss, I thank you for your words...maybe you're right. I do and will always love MAN I MARRIED...NOT THE WS. Not the alien.

I will not become a side dish.

There is too much more life out there...for me and for my ds.

Single or not. I have to much to gain.

T is right...hi T!!!!

but....

you were not 'done'...on many levels...

you did what you HAD to do....for sanity, protection, security and love for your ds.....

but your heart was not yet done....

just humour me.....

give it some thouoght....

flu meds and all....LOL...and put on some Al Green....hehehe...

I am going to feed spaghetti to a voracious 9 yr old.....

be back later

Hi Peachy,

soulloss is right. I remember what you went through! You did what you had to do because of the circumstances with which you were presented. But, you never really had the opportunity to grieve the man you married, the man you loved... the man who may still exist now that the fog seems to be lifting...

And if he doesn't? Then you need to grieve fully before you can move on so his face won't keep popping up forever to prevent you from committing.

It seems so odd that after one date he has decided he wants to marry you. Could it be that he wants a pretty blonde on his arm in the campaign photos...to be a married politician instead of an eligible bachlor?

I don't know...seems like an ulterior motive to me. Or, maybe he's been watching to many old black and white WWII movies where they just meet someone as they are being deployed to the European theater, they marry before he leaves...

Yes, I suppose he thinks your a good match because he got a good feel for your character and what a great mom you are and that you would make a great wife....that love would grow from there. Love at first sight? I am actually clueless.

It could work...it could...as an arranged marriage could work. Are you very attracted to him. Do you think he is of good character. I'd need to have a background check done and talk to his XW before making any commitment.

But, then you have the face of Darth popping up...I think that means that you haven't really grieved that loss of your marriage and deep down you guys weren't really finished when the DV happened...as your friend said.

I'd love the fantasy that Darth DV's and wants to prove to you that he is a changed man and pledges real fidelity to you for the rest of your life....that you could heal and be together. But I believe you when you say you are done with him and no longer in love him....it just seems that underlying all of that, in the depths of your heart...you wish/long for the fantasy.

Oh well. I'm not much help here, am I. (question mark left off on purpose)