Hi, I'm new here. So anyway, my wife and I have been seperated for a week. We have been together for a little over 5 years, and married for 1 year and 4 months. About 10 days ago, she told me "we need to talk". At that time, she told me that our marriage was in bad shape, that I'm too negative, and that we are both mean to each other. I asked what she felt we could do and she said she did not know. I immediately suggested counseling, and she declined. She is a social worker, and she explained that she knows all about coping skills and how to fix problems. The next night, she went to her best friend's house and spent the night. She came back the next day, I cooked her dinner and picked up around the house, and we got along great. The day after that, I came home from work and she was sitting in her car, and I had a horrible feeling. Sure enough, she told me that she felt we needed seperation. I was crushed. I again asked about marriage counseling, and she was totally against it. Over the next few days, I called her a few times, but I was not pushy or needy. Then, today I got a call from her, she said she was coming over. I felt a little relief, but I was still worried. She sat in the living room and told me "I don't think we need a separation, I want a divorce". I was shocked, but never got angry. I told her that if that was what she wanted and needed that I understood. I admitted that I have not been a good husband, and did not lay any blame on her. She admitted to caring about me, but she said she doesn't think she's still in love with me. Interestingly, she decided to quit smoking a while back, and initially it was because we were trying to make a baby. In fact, she suggested that we double up our efforts about 3 weeks ago. The office she works in has a psychologist, and the psychologist gave her some free samples of Wellbutrin about 3 days before our first big talk, because it apparently helps suppress the nicotine craving. I have since researched the drug online, and found that one of several possible side-effects is impulsivity. I don't know if this drug has anything to do with it or not, and have no idea of how to approach this. I still love her, and do not want to lose her. So, what do I do now?

ARE THERE ANY THINGS THAT YOUR WIFE HAS TRIED TALKING TO YOU ABOUT BEFORE THAT MAYBE YOU INADVERTENTLY DISREGARDED? THIS CAN BE A HUGE PROBLEM. MY HUSBAND DOESN'T REALLY REALIZE WHEN HE'S SHUTTING OUT MY FEELINGS. ASK HER IF THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIFIC THAT IS CAUSING HER TO FEEL LIKE DIVORCE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT. ABOUT BEING MEAN TO EACH OTHER, THAT'S A BIG DOWNER. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE ALSO MEAN TO EACH OTHER AT TIMES AND IT AFFECTS ME DIFFERENTLY THAN HIM.

She claims that she has told me numerous times that my attitude is bad and that I have not worked on fixing problems like she has. She says she is tired of being the only one fighting for the marriage. She told me today that when she has suggested things in the past, I work on it for a day or 2, then slip back into old habits. Basically, I think I let stress about issues not even directly involving her build up, and then I generally take it out on her.

I really feel for you I am in the same position my husband left 12-30-05 and pretty much said the same things. That he has told me numerous times that I was hurting his feelings and I didn't see it than, looking back from my wake up call I can see some, not all, the things he is complaining about. He told me he don't know what to do to fix it and that he wants a divorce that he is not in love with me anymore. He moved out that night and it put me immediately on shock. I tried, begging,fighting, guilt trip, compromising, asking for forgivness, counseling (he refuses), to now I am in the point that I am taking better care of myself, I never wore makeup and now I am, I am dressing better, tanning and even joined the gym. No he is not running back to me but he is noticing. I am trying recently to be nice and friendly and not pushy. I do not bring the relationship up at all. If he does I just agree to what he has to say. If he says I want a divorce I say yes I agree that will be the best. You should have seen the look on his face. Like man she agreed. We ended up meeting for sex two times in the last week. But still he don't want anything to do with the relationship. He called me 6 times today and I didn't answer the phone. Finally I did and said hey I am really busy at the moment can I call you back please. Didn't wait for a response and I hung up. My phone rang like 10 more times he wanting to know what I am up too. I wasn't busy. But I don't want to be available everytime he calls. I am trying to make him wonder what I am doing to see if he will miss me and want to come back home. Do I know if this is a fix no. But I just wanted to say I know how you are feeling and it sucks. Sometimes it just is nice to talk to someone. I hope things work out with you and your wife. Stay strong. mothertucker43@yahoo.com

Thanks, mothertucker. We had a big fight on the phone tonight. Can't sleep. She's coming over tomorrow to get a bunch of her stuff. This sucks. I again brought up counselling, and she flat out refuses. I know it's early, but right now, it looks like it's over.