My husband has a problem with pornography, (I feel that way) it's not proven. But when I try to talk to him he shuts me out. I feel betrayed and cheated when he does that.

My bigger situation is that he enjoys adult book stores. I was 17 when I met him so had never been to one. I let him take me once I turned 18. There's only one in our hometown and at first I didn't think anything wrong. It was just movies, magazines, toys, lube, etc. Then he took me to the back and showed me the (what I call) "dirty rooms". They're the stalls where people can watch porn and masturbate.

I felt very uncomfortable and communicated this. He kept trying to get me to look underneath the small doors to see a strange man masturbating. This should have been my first clue but when I was stern and said no multiple times and stated that I wanted to leave he took me and apologized stating it would never happen again. We had already been together for almost a year and lived together at this point mind you, so it wasn't a new relationship I could just scurry out of. I had time and love invested into it and believed that this wouldn't happen.

We moved to another state and he talked me into going to one there (it had been about a year since the first incident). Well, he had me go into a booth and he came in with me, there was a man in the one next to us and one of the holes through the wall. The man started looking and my husband had me orally pleasure him while the man watched, he then showed some of me to the stranger. That man finished and left.

My husband walked out stating he was going to get something and came back but went into the booth next to me, I looked through the hole and saw him with his hand on a penis coming from the next booht. I gasped and slammed the door open and walked out thinking he'd follow me. When he didn't I went back and beat on the door and told him we were leaving that instant. It still took a minute for him to come out. I was furious and yelled at him in the car. I was shaking and felt nautious. When we got home we had sex, well, he had sex I more just layed there and let him use me. He knew I felt uncomfortable with the situation so when I asked him why it took so long for him to come out he just said he finished watching the porn playing on the screen.

We moved back to our home state and one night he was late coming home from work, he got home and had a new toy he had picked up from our adult book store. I asked if he did anything else and he said no. I found reciepts to beg the differ, he had used the porn in the booth to masturbate. I asked about it and he got defensive and then he was mad at me.

He swore up and down that he didn't have anything to do with anyone else in the store. I still don't know whether or not to believe that because of the following.

A year and a half after the incident I witnessed in the other state, something came up where he had to tell me that he had taken so long to come out of the booth because he had finished orally pleasing the stranger next to him.

My husband claims to be bisexual but I'm worried, he says that his fantasies are normal and to ask any other guy, so I'm asking, is his fetish normal or do one or both of us need help? I'm at my wits end and don't know if one more incident will ruin our marriage or not, I'm to the point where it may be ruined without another incident.

HELP!!!

helpless2028,

Welcome to MB! I know the Just Found Out section appears to be correct one for you but you may want to post on the General Questions forum also. Much wiser members will chime in quickly. Read as much as you can pertaining to the essentials of infidelity on this site.

A bisexual male is probably the most dangerous creature on this planet. This is not moralizing nor judgemental, just plain medical fact. You need to take the utmost of caution in protecting yourself sexually.

YIKES!!! There are lots of bisexual men that are married. They are putting their wives' health at great risk. If I were you, I would divorce him.

I have a friend who is bisexual. He has a lover who is married. My friend has been with his lover now for 8 years, and the wife has no clue. My friend also has SF with other men. In this day, with the HIV threat, this stuff is just too dangerous.

Hi,

And welcome...I think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok...

I'm not a doc, but I would get a therapist ASAP. Your husband seems to have an addition to sex more than anything else.

Many people are bisexual in this world and still respect their partners sexual boundries.

In fact many people have certain "fetishes" but when they disrespect their spouses over it and do it more than once I would think there is a deeper underlying problem going on than just "curiosity"

Rachel

I think that promiscuous persons who engage in unprotected SF in general are the most dangerous creatures on this planet. Being bisexual doesn't as of itself make one dangerous; it's how one is inclined to indulge his or her sexual urges that makes them dangerous.

For me, the scariest thing about my FWW's A was that she engaged in unprotected SF with the OM, and he was carrying at least one other A at the same time. While we've both been tested, I'm still worried that something might have slipped past the tests (HPV perhaps?), and her A is another "surprise" in store for us in our future.

And as for being bisexual, well, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body - does that count? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The only problem that I have with all of your advice is that I have engaged in the porno thing with him before. And as much as I've told him I don't like the adult bookstores, I have gone with him as many times to buy things and he never used the booths. I don't want to divorce him like Cy suggested. I love him more than anything in this world and we have a child together. If he's got a problem I want to help him and support him in getting help. I just want to know that his infatuation with other people when it comes to sex is not normal before I talk to a counselor.

Is it really that unnatural to want to watch porn? Now that we don't have the internet he doesn't watch it that often. He has one movie and rarely uses it.

As far as the escapades at the book stores, they have only happened those times that I've listed. It's not a frequent thing and it's been months since the last time.

I also was wondering if wanting to "talk dirty" during sex is a problem?

It seems to me that since I finally became stern and sat to talk with him things are different. He really tries to please me and stop the things that make me uncomfortable. Can we overcome this ourselves or do we absolutely need intervention?

I don't want to lose/leave him. I love him. He's really a very good person.

I know that you were joking, but there are such cases. Guys who get an operation to become women, while being attracted to women all the time.

That's because gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. You, as a ManInMotion can be comfortable as a male, or as female (transgender) or both (transsexual). And for all of these options at the same time you can be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual.

Rest asured that being a lesbian trapped in a man's body is NOT very funny for her.

Yes, it is a problem.



I'm not sure that "natural" is the word I'd use, but it IS possible to become addicted to pornography.



He may have found another "outlet" for his addiction.



Are you sure that he hasn't hidden other "escapades" from you?



Not as far as I'm concerned. Actually, I wish my W would resort to such talk every now and then... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

helpless2028,

Quote:I don't want to divorce him like Cy suggested.

Sorry, but could you tell me where I said or even implied that? My concern is for your physical health regarding a person who is engaging in risky sexual practices, that is all. I would not dream of advising divorce for a new poster who is desirous of saving her M.

My mistake it was "believer" not "Cy" that suggested divorce. I hope no one thinks poorly of my husband or me. He really is an amazing person and absolutely WONDERFUL father. I just don't like these sexual choices he's made. I don't think he's hiding any other excapades from me because we only have one bank account and no credit cards are in his name.
But the thing I want to know most is, is it possible to change the way things are without seeking counselling?
Also, is it possible that he's already changing since I've seen a difference in his ways??

Sexual additon happens to many good people. I am sure your husband is great in many ways. But you would not be seeking advice and help if you didn't feel there was something more to it.

Follow your gut instincts. There are many things we have all gone along with (sexually) to appease our spouses at one time or another, the difference is in whether is crosses bounderies. My husband has his own "preferences" and "fantasies" like everyone else. But... if it crossed over into other people ( the booths) that would be a serious "red flag" for me. He knows your sensitive to it so naturally you can't really know how "often" he does these kinds of things.

There is nothing wrong with talking to a marital counselor in general. We all need directions in our marriage at times. It would be good to explore this with your husband and find out if it really is a "problem". Because at some point it could turn into a bigger "problem".

FYI: My husband is pretty "kinky", but if he took me to a booth or if he just had sex with me while I laid there, all signals would be going off.

One other thing, counseling would be good for you too because you seemed confused by your own sexual bounderies too. For example: If I'm not interested in sex....it doesn't happen. And if my husband wanted to go to a "booth" and have others "watch" ....it wouldn't happen. The reason is I have good sexual bounderies. I know what I'm willing to do and what crosses the line. I just do.

I can really relate to you because I was in a relationship years ago that crossed many sexual bounderies, and left me very confused. I thought if you love someone, you went along with their desires. It messed me up for a long time.

This is all stuff for you to think about....you know your husband and you know what your gut is telling you.

And by the way, I've been with my husband for 10 years and I never knew he had an affair until it was over. There was no evidence, no credit charges, not even time loss. He was shackin up in cars, her house, and God knows where else during his work day lunches for a year. If someone wants to do something, they find a way.

Rachel