Hey all,
I have been a member of this site for some time, but have needed to post until now. So, without further adeau, here is my problem.

I have been single now for almost 4 years, raising my two kids on my own. I am a single father, and love every minute of it. I have dated quite a bit, but unfortunately, never found anyone I felt any compatibility towards.....until now.

I met a girl who has been seperated from her husband for about 7 months now. We talked, got to nkow each other over the phone, and decided to actually meet. The sparks were instantenous, from both sides. We have continued talking, and some days upwards of 3-4 hours. We always schedule our talks around the kids, as she has 2 also.
Well, I found out that she was not only emotionally abused, but sexually as well by her previous husband. While this upset me, it also angered me that someone could take a beautiful, delicate flower and harm them.
She is scared to death of committing to anyone or anything, and understandably so. The wall she has up is very big. While talking to her last night, she had told me that she expected to go with several different men, and find no common attractions. Instead, I come along and like I said, total attractions. I am very familiar with all of Dr. Harley's basic concepts, and I can just tell that this girl is everything I could ever hope for.
The biggest problem I know face is this. She did not expect to meet someone like me. I am the first person she dated, and with the instant attractions, sparks, and everything, it seems as though she has withdrwan further. I told her last night that I am in no rush to try to break her out of her shell. I told her I would more than willing to help take down bricks one by one. And yes, I also told her it would take time. How much? I don't know.

My fear is this. How do I proceed? I know she still fears her ex, and fears being hurt again. If I push to hard I lose her, if I back off to much, it could seem as though I do not care.

Any help would be appreciated.

Dave

Well it's not just a question of taking down bricks one by one.

If you read about marriages in trouble on other parts of this site, you see people talk about how it's not possible to "get the old marriage back" from when it was good, but people can get together and build a completely new marriage that is better than anything they've had before.

The lady you're interested faces the same problem with skills in relating romantically -- it's not a matter of restoring what was there before, because that's simply not how people grow. She can't just go back to an earlier state, no matter how nice that would be. She can learn a whole new way of relating to herself and to a romantic partner that is better and more joyous than anything she's ever known before.

Just like people here healing their marriage, it's not a straight-line process. People learn in some nonlinear ways.

"I told her I would more than willing to help take down bricks one by one" is a great, but it's not the main point in question. Are you willing, upon due pondering, to be with her through the meandering often two-steps-forward-one-back-three-sideways process of learning new relationship skills? And are you willing to learn a set new ones yourself, because let's face it, we all need to grow that way?

She's only been separated for 7 months - that's not long. IF her spouse emotionally and physically abused her - it may take a long time for her to heal those deep wounds.

Give her space, let her know you are available to talk, that even if her wall never comes down you want to be her friend - someone she can count on. That's what she needs right now.

Since you are the first guy she's been around since she separated - you both need to be careful that this isn't just a rebound. Believe me, I speak from experience that when someone loves you so deeply that first person of the opposite sex that gives you any attention could have horns sticking out of their head, but you can still be attracted to them...

Hugs

warning sign numero uno...

SHE IS LEGALLY UNAVAILABLE...MARRIED.

That's a warning flag to me.

It's only been seven months.

I'd tell her I'd remain her friend thru this. And I'd help and encourage her to go to counseling.

How much do you REALLY know about her marriage? Is she really filed for divorce? Separated but still seeing H? Get the facts before your EMOTIONALLY INVEST TOO MUCH IN HER...I just see the fact she's married which says "hands off" to me!

I would tell her we could remain friends, but that for a real and lasting relationship to happen, it will take for her to become single. And that you're not going to become an OM!

Tell her if she wants a friend, it's you! And that you'll help her emotionally bring down each brick...but no pda, no kissing, nothing until she's really free to date you! Tell her you'll give her all the time in the world once SHE IS NO LONGER MARRIED.

I just know that I was approached by a guy who was married on an internet site. He claimed he was NEVER MARRIED. He was an attractive guy...actually newly married...and had doubts about his wife. I went to dinner with him and it went great. He was handsome, incredibly attentive...and very much chemistry. We had second date. I NEVER TALK OF THIS HERE B/C IT MADE ME SO NAUSEOUS!...ESPECIALLY BEING A BW...During second date, the waiter told him (this was a year and two mos. ago), "This girl is a keeper! You two are so cute!"...the Guy and I got along great..I did kiss him at end of second date, I remember getting a call from him about five days later. He said..." I haven't been honest with you. I am very sorry. You deserve better than me...I am married.!" I fell to knees. I yelled at him "But I told you My XH CHEATED.!" He said he didn't want to remain married but was in reality married. I said I did not break up marriages. He said he understood. He said he was sorry. I emailed the service and REPORTED HIM AS MARRIED WHEN HE WAS SAYING HE WAS NEVER MARRIED.

There are tons of them out there...

and why i am scared to be "out there".

Watch your [censored].

IMO, if this woman is married, and has been emotionally and sexually abused, then she is neither legally, nor emotionally, nor physically available.

You are an emotional crutch for her. While that always creates feelings of passion and chemistry, it also creates an unhealthy relationship, much more codependent than it should be.

What's worse, you can't do what most people try to do in this situation, which is to "hang in there until she heals". Once the relationship starts as a crutch, it is fundamentally flawed, and you can't slowly let her heal while still being involved with her. The best you can hope for is to let her go, and see if you can try again in a year or two.

BTW, not to be judgemental, since many of us here have made the same mistake <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, but dating someone who is "separated" can be viewed as having an affair. And if her H is known for being physically/sexually abusive, well, you may be putting her (and yourself) in some peril, if not physical then legal or emotional.

Just food for thought.

AGG

She is still married, and I am in no place to judge since I did the same thing...

... but I *can* give you the "Do what I say, not as I did" speech.

It's a mistake to get involved with someone who needs to heal herself, grieve the loss of her marriage (no matter how good, or bad it is/was), and isn't available legally or morally.

I like what AGG said, too, about the relationship being fundamentally flawed. That's an awesome insight. And true. I think it's a good time to back away, let her heal without you in the picture, and down the road, if you're both free and in a good emotional place, see if those sparks still exist.

I understand what you all are saying, but the thing here in Canada is, after 6 months, you are considered legally seperated in the eyes of the law. Does that make it better? No, I do not think so.

I think the best thing I can do as well right now, is to just walk away, so to speak. I also found out today she has a "little" addiction to the internet. Mainly dating sites, meeting men, not too meet, but to message and e-mail with. Not what I am looking for at this point in my life.

Thanks one and all who replied.

David

NH~~

I'm not trying to be smart or unfeeling.....

when you say, she uses the sites to converse with only, does this mean that she needs the male attention?

honestly, not trying to be smart, only trying to understand.

Karona

Well, there you go <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Sounds like not only is she "confused", but also maybe you are not enough for her. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe that is why she was not "ready" for a relationship with you - very often those words mean that she is not ready for a relationship with you, because she is waiting for something better to come along. Can you spell "placeholder"?


You are a wise man. Run for the hills from this one.

AGG

That's ok Korona,
I guess I really do not understand myself. I am not sure what the male friends are for, or exactly what it is she talks to them about. I just know, that in my situation, I do not want to compete for attention with someone, nor should I be expected too.

That would be my thinking too NH~

If you are building something, the "extras" don't quite fit. Not for me anyway.
I think you deserve a bit more than that.

Karona

I said good bye to her yesterday.

Now, I feel completely empty inside. I really want to call her, but don't know if I should or not.


David