It's a new week guys. You think that this one will be better than last week? How was your weekend?

Mine was ok. It snowed here about three inches on Saturday so we stayed outside most all the day. Had a good time, my oldest got to sled. It was his first big snow and he was so happy.

My STBX and I got along well. But I found myself crying at times throughout the day. He never asks what's wrong. I try to hide it from him, I don't even know if he notices or not.

I washed and cleaned all day Sunday. I had to do something to keep my mind busy. It's time that I start packing up some stuff instead of waiting till the last minute. I just don't want to do it.

I too am scared of being alone. I don't want to move out. I want to stay right there with him. But I can't. I have to learn to accept this. I just don't know how. The only way to do it is to just suck it up and go on. But I won't let myself.

Thankful, it sounds to me like your H wants the OW, but still wants you to be there as well. Have you tried telling him, don't call me unless it's an emergency or regarding our child? He has to learn that he cannot have you both. He has to make up his mind. And by calling you every ten minutes he is confusing you. Or if you're like me, you don't have the strength to tell him "don't call me". You still want to talk to him every chance you can, even if you are talking to the alien.

Sis and Tired: Hope your weekend went well.

I am looking forward to hearing from yall today. My computer at home has shot it's last wad so I only get to post on MB during the week while I'm at work. I am leaning on you guys through the week now, talk to you soon.

OK, well my morning is off to a rough start already. Woke up in a good mood, and now here I am. Wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.

My STBXH called about 20 minutes ago, said he wanted to make sure that I made it wo work OK. We talked for a few and then before he hung up told me he loved me. Fine.

He just called back, saying "I just wanted to see what you were doing" and then he goes "donkey smells"...I asked him what that meant and he said it was just an old saying. Don't have a meaning. This time he didn't say I love you. Just bye. I hung up on him without saying anything.

Now why did he do that? I'm so tired of the alien. I want my H back. This is driving me crazy.

I hope this week is better. It has to be. It can't get worse can it? My wknd is described on Tired's post from Sunday.

Sounds like fun - glad you had a good time enjoying your kiddos. I still do not know how you do it w/your STBXH still at home. I think I would need a room at the looney bin after that. I would be a basket case. You must be very very strong.

Oh, absolutely. I have told him this about 5 times now. He always finds some way around it or some excuse that he is calling for. I have to figure out a way to make it stick - it's so hard because I have no idea which personality I am going to get on any given day. He has not called now (not even to talk to our DS) since Saturday! I agree, it does seem like he is holding onto something with me, but what it is I don't know.

I'll check back in later. Today feels like a strong day for me. I notice how much stronger I always feel when I haven't spoken with WH for a couple days. It's only 9 am though - who knows what the day holds. lol!

Oh yeah, I can't believe he took him out to eat with the OW. That would piss me off to no end. I'm sure that my STBX will be taking my boys out with the OW (as in other women, not woman) as soon as he gets the chance if he hasn't already. I have no proof so I'm not going to start throwing accusations. I want to put in our D papers that he has to wait atleast 6 months to start doing that, if he ignores my requests then so be it. I just want to do whatever I can to protect the boys. And it hurts me to think that some other woman is going to be stepping into my little boys lives. I went through the pain and aguish, nourished them with something only I can give, got up (still do) with them at all hours of the night. And now some other woman is in the picture. OK, I'm getting upset now.

I need to get to the Dr. to see about getting some AD's. I honestly don't know if I can make it through this wihtout them. I just checked on the net about a divorce care group. They have one here close to home, I'm going to check into that too.

I hope it is a stong day for you.

Good Morning!

Soon, you are so strong to be living with your STBX. That is emotional torture. I think you will feel better when you are on your own. That sounded horrible, but I don't think that you can heal with him still there. It will still be painful for awhile, but as you re-discover yourself and all the wonderful things about you, you will feel much better. Yes, go see your doctor about some AD's. I took them for awhile and they really helped, but I stopped too soon, and I think that is why I got so low last week. I'm back on them now and feeling much better. I too am planning on going to a divorce support group.

Hi Thankful. I honestly don't understand all the phone calls. I suppose it is a security blanket for him to try to keep both you and OW.

I think all of us are going to have a good week. I feel pretty good today. As I said yesterday, my DS (from my first marriage) spent the weekend with me and we had a good time. Today, I am going to get my DSS (my STBX's son) and we are going to play basketball.

My STBX keeps telling everyone that she is doing this because it is best for her son, yet he wants to see me all the time. Something doesn't add up with that. She also neglects to tell anyone about OM.

Keep in touch, and we will get through this together. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tired

Hi Tired, nice to hear from you. I'm glad that you had a good weekend with your son, and have fun with you SS playing ball. Sounds like fun. I'm glad you have them.

My two boys also occupy a lot of my time and I am soooo glad. But sometimes I watch them, and I start sobbing and cannot gain contol of it. The 3 yr old will look at me and ask why I am sad. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to tell them when I move out. I have told him that he will be getting a new house with mommy, and he always says "a new house for me, you brother and daddy?". I guess the only thing I can do is just keep telling him, and when we do move hopefully he'll understand more.

I am so sad becuase of this. I do not feel strong at all. I feel hopeless. Useless.

Over the weekend while I was doing things like ironing H shirts, cooking supper for us. All of us sitting at the supper table eating. Playing out in the snow. I kept thinking, this all will come to an end soon. Tonight 24 comes on, my H and I always watch it. ALWAYS. I wont have anyone to watch it with anymore. I wonder if he'll miss that as much as I will. I want him to.

I hope it is a good week for us all. I don't think this day will be good for me. I have butterflies in my stomach. And they keep the radio on country music all the time and that doesn't help much.

I find myself lately having feelings that I don't want to have.

Has anyone heard from sis? I was wondering how her weekend went.

Soon, I'm sure it is so hard when your boys ask questions and you can't explain it to them. Just keep showing them all your love. I know that you don't feel strong, none of us do, but you are. We are strong in that we can do what is right, even though it hurts us at the time. Our spouses cannot do what is right, and choose to take the easy way out.

I see or think of a thousand things daily that my STBX and I used to do together or talk about together. I miss those things now, but in her fogged out state I doubt that she does. I believe that as the fog lifts and reality sets in, they will come to miss those things, realize what they have done, and be truly sorry.

I know exactly what you mean about country music. The guy in the office next to mine, listens to old country music all the time (a tear in my beer kind of music) and it drives me nuts. I started bringing my own and blasting him out.

What kind of feelings are you having that you don't want to have?

I haven't heard from CIS, hope she is doing well.

Tired

Those feelings. Well I havent just started to have them. I have had them for a while now. I feel so hopeless sometimes. I think, what is my purpose for even being in this life. I don't want to think these things but I find myself thinking of them more often lately. I cannot stand the thought of living without my boys. I cannot stand the thought of living without STBX either, but I can't make him love me and want me. My boys are a different story. Other than doing what I can to show my STBX how things could be, my boys are my life. My whole life. I have nothing else. I am scared of living without them. I just need to go to the dr over this. I am emotionally unstable. I pretend, or atleast do my best to hide it when it comes to H and my family. But I am weak. I don't like having those feelings. I think about it, and then when I look at my boys I say "I can't do that to them".

Soon,
I think we can probably all admit to having those feelings at times. But, as you said...you have your boys - you CANNOT do anything because of them! I have had those feelings myself, but haven't had them in about 3 weeks now, thank goodness. They hit me the hardest probably the first week we were separated. I got past it tho. Just when you think you can't take anymore something happens that makes you realize you CAN and WILL make it. And yes you DO have a purpose in this life - I don't want to hear you say/think otherwise. You are going to be okay. You will make it thru this. And you have our support here ANYTIME you need it. Huge ((HUGS)) coming your way. Chin up!!!

I know I can't. I could never leave my two boys. I just keep thinking, if it's this hard now. How hard is it going to be without him. And I can't bear the thought of how lonely the days are going to be when my STBX has them. i wont have anything.

I am going to put a post out to sis....I'm beginning to act like a mother. Haaven't heard from her, therefore worried.

Do you still have momentos around the house that remind you of your M? I find myself throwing things away with no thought about it whatsoever. Is that normal? I was cleaning out the cabinets and found a mug from when we went to Myrtle Beach for vacation one year, and then another from where we went on a cruise. I just tossed em like it was nothing. Should I have left them for STBX to look at after I'm gone?

Well I haven't heard much from you guys today. I hope that is a good thing. I heard from STBXH one more time before the day was over, once again he told me he loved me and he missed me before he hung up. I guess that's better than "donkey smells". Whatever that meant.

I hope yall have a good evening. And a good start to tomorrow morning. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you as well.

Donkey Smells? That is a new one on me.

I am constantly finding things that reminds me of the marriage. We went so many places and did so many things that there are momentos everywhere. Sometimes I ignore them and sometimes I see something and just start crying.

Soon, please be strong and think of your boys. Negative thoughts will creep in, but just let them go right on out. The days will be lonely for a while after separation, but it will start getting better. I have lived through this before and I know what I'm talking about.

My main problem is that my wife was my life. She was my hobby. I loved being with her, shopping with or for her, going places with her, it was all about her. It truly filled my heart with joy just to see her smile. Now that she has left, I'm trying to find a new life. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dark forest late at night with no flashlight. I'm feeling my way along, and I am scared. I don't like being this way.

I spent the day with SS, and we had a great time. I just took him home a few minutes ago, and I'm sad now. He kept refering to my house as home, and I so badly wanted it to be his home again, but his mother doesn't want that. She keeps telling people she did this for "his good". I can't believe that.

Did anyone ever here from Cis? Hope she is doing ok. I hope all of us have a good evening. Talk to you later.

Tired

Hi all,
Well today has been eventful. As I said, I never know what to expect with my WH. He called this morn and right away I just said "do you want to talk to DS?" He said "I would LOVE to" - then I got back on the phone and he was asking me if something was wrong, and I said "no, I'm fine" and I said "Is there something you need to discuss?" and he said "I have a million things I want to talk to you about, but as you said, I guess we shouldn't right now" and I said "yes, because we just go round and round and get nowhere" then he asked a few more things and I told him that he can set a scheduled time to call our DS in the evening to say goodnight and we'll set a regular time for him to see him during the week, etc...and then he just said "can I call you back later?" I said "fine" - he calls later this afternoon, tells me something about my cellphone usage and how much it has been this last month, whatever...then says my name in this real dramatic, sweet voice..."I really need to sit down and talk to you" and I said "about what?" and he says "everything, just everything" I had company over so I just said to WH, "Talk to you later" - I called him back after they left and I said "So when do you want to sit down and talk, since we can't do this in front of DS" and he said "I know, I need to figure out when, maybe Thursday" So I said "can you tell me what I need to be prepared for?" and he said "why do you need to be prepared, what do you mean?" and I said "Well, last week you were telling me to get together on paper what I want from the divorce settlement...do you need me to have that stuff together for us to discuss?" and he said "No, I just need to talk to you about EVERYTHING - I am in a deep, deep depression" and I said, "well, you HAVE been that way" and he said "yeah, but it's getting worse now, not getting better" and he sounded like he was/had been crying.

What do you guys make of this??? Ugh, my mind is just all over the place!! I am thinking he is really, really missing the kids. I have NO idea what he wants to talk about that we haven't already talked about a million times before. Gosh, there is little part of me that is thinking there is a glimmer of hope...I feel so scared to even let myself think that. Am I wrong for feeling that way?? I am not letting him know that I think that at all, but I just can't figure out what this all means. And now I have to wait...at least tomorrow will be busy with errands and such and we're going over a friends house in the evening...but to have to wait until Thursday? I am so baffled!

Please give me your honest opinions...thanks guys.

Here goes. Good Morning first of all. I hope your days go well.

Tired: I know what you mean. My H was my life, still is. And my two boys ofcourse. I don't have any hobbie. Well, I am in a bluegrass band and we practice once a week, perform maybe once a month. Other than that I spend my time doing things for my H. We used to do EVERYTHING together. Last summer we camped sometimes every other weekend, vacations to the beach and the mountains. We shopped together, rented a lot of movies and watched them, going out to eat all the time. Here I go off on another tangent, there's this new country song on the radio. I love it, and I hate it. It's by Keith Urban, called "tonight I want to cry". The words are beautiful and everytime I hear it I think...when I get out of the house and on my own...this is what I'm gonna do. I think you guys would like this song. Maybe I'll copy the lyrics to my next posts. It's an absolutely beautiful song.

Anyway, back on the subject. He was/is my life. Everything I did revolved around him. He was my first priority (my boys too). My first priority was what was best for my family. Sadly, it isn't his first priority.

Thankful: I have to admit I got excited when I read your post. the sun started to shine through the darkness. I have a glimmer of hope for you. So you say he has done this all before? The talking thing? When you "talk" how does it go? what do you go round and round about? I think that you definitely should sit down and talk to him on Thursday. Have hope but also be prepared. Sit down, talk to him and if he starts the same ole bull, shut him up. He sounds like he is fence sitting. If he wants to talk about working on your M and not going thru the D then talk till your jaws hurt...once he starts with the alien nonsense, just tell him that you've went through all this before and when he wants to work on improving himself and the M then you'll talk. Talking about anything else is useless at this point. On the other hand, I don't think I'm one to give advice. I got excited when I read your post. And I hope this means that he is starting to realize what he's done.

SIS: WHERE ARE YOU!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you guys today too. I had an ok night last night. Cooked supper, washed clothes and watched 24. Then we went to bed. My STBX seemed a little distant. The affection he had been showing me has lessened. He seems to be withdrawing from me more. Before I left this morning he told me he loved me, I didn't tell him. I don't know why really. I just changed the subject. After I dropped the boys off at my moms I called him back to tell him I love him, and he told me again that he loved me twice. What the he** am I doing? What the he** are WE (my H and I )doing?

Good Morning,

I hope everyone is doing great this morning. I'm a little worried about CIS, maybe she will check in sometime soon.

Thankful and Soon: IMHO it sounds like both of your H's are not really sure what they want. I went through a stage with my STBX where she didn't know and would admit it. She would call me or text me just to say "I love you", and I would feel so great about it, but when I got home her actions wouldn't show it. She was really undecided about whether she wanted to stay with me, or venture out with OM. I reacted in the wrong way, and became clingy and constantly told her how much I cared for her. In hindsight, I should have acted totally normal, and told her to leave if she wanted. Eventually she came off the fence, but on the wrong side for me. I don't want to discourage either of you, because the "I love you's" mean that they are still on the fence, but I caution you to watch their actions. Remember, if somebody really loves you, they put your feelings and needs above their own.

I hope so badly that this works out for each of you. If you can get a commitment to work on the M from your S, then work your a** off. Be careful though if you don't get that commitment, because one working on a marriage is useless.

Yeah Soon, she was my life. I loved it. I really love treating someone special and loving with all my heart. My greatest fear after we got married was that I would out-live her. I just didn't ever want to say goodbye. To me, it feels good to be totally dedicated to one person. Maybe the Good Lord will grant me someone else to love.

Let me know how things are going. Love you guys.

Tired41

I have decided to not even ask again for that commitment. He can't give it. He says he put 100% into fixing us. He did not. If lying his a** off is putting in 100% then I'm wrong. I can say he did improve in some aspects but he did not put 100% in it. And neither did I. I did not lie, I told him everything he wanted to know. But I did snoop and tried my best to see who was calling him at all hours of the night and I questioned him about a lot of things. I did not and do not trust him. But I did this becuase I wanted to prove to myself that nothing was going on. And I was wrong. It's like Dr. Phil says, people who have nothing to hide hide nothing. He hides. I am an open book to my H, he is not an open book to me. I cannot ask him for a commitment becuase I know that he cannot do that, and I would just be setting myself up for more hurt. He wants this D. He just wants me too. And his young female "friends" too. The only thing I can do at this point is to work my [censored] off and show him how good things can be, and how much I absolutely adore him. And love him with all of my heart. And hope that after I'm gone, he'll see that the grass is not greener and that he misses me. I can only hope and pray that he'll want me back, and yes i'll go back BUT ONLY if he wants to put in 100% with all cards on the table at all times. That's the only way.

I'm not counting on this happening. But I am not ready to give up hope yet. This will change in time I'm sure. One thing I realized from your post is that I may just be doing too much for him. I want to keep working on proving my love. But I am probably doing too much. I think. I send him emails sometimes twice a day. Maybe I shouldn't do that. Opinion please...what is too much?

The good Lord will send someone into your life. When you are ready, and when you are not looking. You aren't even ready yet. Use this time to work on yourself....after I just read what I typed I 'm thinking....what does he need to work on? Sounds to me like she had everything she ever could have wanted. I don't know why you are having to go through this. Some people on here have said that some marriages are just not meant...do you honestly believe that? Honestly now, do you believe that? I sometimes think that I'm the only one on MB that does not beleive that. There are some circumstances that it could be true, if two people marry for the wrong reasons.

I look forward to hearing from you all. Still praying for us! I'll pray and pray until you tell me to stop!!!!

Good post, Soon.

I have done the snooping thing, and I know that it is necessary. It made me physically sick every time I did it, but I had to, just like you had to. My life was also an open book to my wife, she could pry into anything without me being upset, I had nothing to hide. I don't think that you were wrong to do this.

How much is too much? I don't think I can answer that for you, and I think it will be different for each person. For me, I enjoyed loving and serving my wife, so I probably went too far. Sometimes I think that maybe we put too much emphasis on what some expert recommends, and maybe we should do what we feel is right. If you love him with all your heart, make sure he knows that, and make sure that you know that you've done your best. If he knows that, then the decision is on him, and if he decides to D, then you can feel good about yourself knowing that you gave it all. Nobody can ever ask more that your best.

I don't think that some marriages aren't meant to be, but maybe some people are too selfish to be married. I guess that I have a idealistic view, but if two people love each other, and put the other persons needs first, wouldn't marriage be great. But it always seems that one person will get selfish and want more. I don't know why, because I loved having one person in my life. I never wanted anyone else. If she liked what I was doing, or how I looked, or what I was wearing, I didn't care what anyone else thought or said. I just don't understand WSs'.

I also look forward to hearing from you. Please don't stop praying for me, and I will keep praying for you, and all of us.

Tired

Thanks to you all for thinking and caring about me! Weekend was tough. Sunday night I went over to the house. It's a very pretty house and much much more luxurious than the little flat I live in now. H looked good, sober, friendly, nice. We talked and talked. It was nice. One of the things missing in our marriage was balanced conversation, he would dominate the conversation...and so I noticed he tried to actually ask me a few things. But mostly he talked and I listened. We got caught up on everyone and everything. We sat by the fire and started to make love. We then dressed and went to a nice dinner. We got back to the house and I stayed over.

In the morning we made love again. He sent me down the hill to get some coffee, and when I came back I smelled alcohol on his breath (this is a pattern) - it was 8 AM.

We had breakfast and walked the dog. On the dog walk things started to get bad. I encouraged him to keep looking for apts in the city since I wasn't sure that he would like the neighborhood he was considering. He looked at me and said that we were different and that he wasn't going to choose an apartment that pleased me. I said of course, and then it just got ugly from there. All of the same accusations, disappointments, complaints. Basically he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't want to be married to me anymore (but apparently does still want to sleep with me). SF is his most important need, so I was hoping if I can keep that alive there was hope...but it just makes me feel bad so I don't know - I think that part of our relationship is over.

So in a nutshell - I feel worse now. I think it's better to have limited contact. But for the next month I'm going to have lots of interaction with him since we are moving things out of the house and I need to be there.

I'm sorry soon and thankful are struggeling. LIfe is a beautiful gift - gratitude and forgivness will help us appreciate and live each day.

Tired you sound like you're doing some good healing! As you all say - it's a new week. Let's make the most of it.

Even though I know I'm not even close to ready..I'm starting to think that if I was dating, or at least meeting some new men it would help me... I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.

Take care!
Cis

Ha! I'm just catching up on posts and noticed that Tired is contemplating the dating thing as well. It is tempting, but when I read your post, I agree it's probably better if we just try to meet new friends and be social - as opposed to looking for love. We need much more healing and time. The fear of being alone is something to look at and study. We all have to love ourselves and our own company so that when we are ready we are "good company". I know I'd be conflicted and in a funk if I were trying to date now.

Hang in there...in a few years we will look back and understand why we had to go through this.

Cis

Tired: That's my goal. After the D I want to be able to say that I put in 100% that it was he who lied and didnt meet my needs. He used to put my needs first but he changed. If he read that he'd say I was crazy. But it's the truth.

Sis: I know exactly how you feel. I do believe that your H and mine are family.

I had typed a bunch more, but I switched SCREENS and when I came back it was gone.

Sis: you must know that you cannot disappear from us like that!!!LOL. I was honestly worried about you.

Now, where's Thankful!