Great to hear from you Cis.

I'm sorry that the weekend turned out like it did. I wish that I could say something to make it better, but all I can say is that we are thinking about you and wishing you the best. I guess I'm better off with STBX and I pretty much severing all ties. I don't think I could live with the ups and downs of still being in contact, thinking that there is hope, and being hurt over and over.

You're right, I think if I could make some friends and maybe start dating again, I would feel better. I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but it would be nice to have some hope for a future. I hate being alone, because I am a giver and love being there for someone. I guess I'm a nurturer.

I hope you are right about us looking back on this and understanding.

Try to have a great day and think positive thoughts.

Tired

Even looking at the word "date" makes me want to puke. I don't want anyone else in my life. I can't imagine being with anyone else other than my H. I know that in time that will change. I too don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I guess right now I have to work on myself and heal.

You are probably right Soon. Truthfully, I know that it's too early for me. Right now, I would just be trying to replace my XW, and that wouldn't be fair to me or the person I would dating.

The alien is acting so weird today. He called here and I couldn't answer because I was busy (we have caller id here). We had a very important person here and was not a good idea to pick up the phone and talk personal stuff. Over a 10 minute period I guess he called here about five times. So, he called back and I finally got to answer the phone. He said he just wanted to check on me, wondered why I didn't call him back.

I just don't get it. I have that sick to my stomach feeling today. Lots of butterflies. It was worse this morning.

I'm going to go fix my lunch now and then look around on here a little more.

I just bumped into my STBXW in the hall at work. She looked so beautiful and happy. I feel sick, all nervous and shaky. How long is this going to last?

Have you thought about getting another job elsewhere? I don't know how you do that. After I move out I'll only be seeing STBX when we drop off kids. I don't know if I could work with him, knowing that he's all happy and dating the OW. I mean, I'll know it...I know it now. But it would be different having to work with him and know it. I would be so nervous all the time wondering if I was going to run into him or not. I couldn't do that, live that way. I'd have to look elsewhere for another job. You are much stronger than you think!

Hey all!

I'm here - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Happy Tuesday.

Cis: Good to see you - I'm sorry your wknd was rough. I can't imagine being so intimate w/my husband right now & then trying to pretend - I just wouldn't know what to do.

Tired: I agree w/Soon, I do not know how you handle working with your STBXW. I think I'd be thinking about looking for a new job. Can you get transferred? Is that an option?

Soon: Sorry your STBXH is being alien like today again. Don't you hate reading into everything? I do it, but I hate that I do it.

One thing I am starting to notice here...when you all describe your spouses and that they act happy, etc... that is VERY different from how my husband is acting. He is still very depressed and crying all the time. He is not happy at all. I guess that is what he meant yesterday when he said he was in a major depression and it's just getting worse, not better. It's driving me CRAZY wondering what he wants to talk to me about.

Soon: He has never approached us having a talk like he is this time. It's always been just in the middle of regular conversation he gets into everything and that's what I meant by telling him that we should just stick to business for there is no reason to keep talking about why we are where we are. He just keeps telling me the same things...that I will never ever realize what I have done to him as far as the things he was unhappy about with our marriage. I just think he never thought he would have feelings for another person, so he is blaming it all on me -he's so moral and righteous that he believes it just CAN'T be his fault. He does admit that it was his choice but still blames me for creating the environment that he felt he needed to talk to someone else about our relationship. I don't think he likes what he is doing at all and he has said many times that he wishes he could change his feelings, that he wishes things were different - that he never ever wanted this. And here we are now, 2 months after d-day and he is still horribly depressed and getting worse as time goes on. If this was what he wanted, then shouldn't he be happy?

As I said, I am dying to find out what he needs to talk to me about. "Everything" sure is ALOT of stuff! lol!

Thanks for the replies. I really don't have any option to change jobs. I guess that I will have to get tougher, and to know that what I see on the outside may not be what's happening inside. I'm going to have to be able to see her without wanting to hold her, cry, or toss my lunch.

Thankful, I can't figure your H out. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. My STBXW told me many times that she wished that she could change her feelings for me, but she just couldn't. I still honestly believe that she loves me, it's just with the OM there, she has buried those feelings, as so many FWS describe on the GQII Forum. They do tend to get very depressed until they make up their minds, then the happy look begins to show. The "everything" talk should be very enlightening.

Tired

Thankful: By all means have this "talk". If it's not going in the right direction cut it off. I have hope for you. I think this is a good thing. A really good thing. I don't want to give you false hope by no means, but I have a good feeling about this. My H has said this too, the "this is not the way I want it" speech. But no one forced him to go see a lawyer. He did this on his own. It's his choice so shouldn't he be happy with it. Have you made plans to talk to him yet on Thursday? Is this a definite?

Tired: I couldn't take it, just couldn't take it at all working with her. I'd be in my office under the desk hiding all the time. When you see her, how often is it? Does she speak? Do you speak? I just don't know how you do it.

Question for yall. Did you guys try MC? If so, how long and for what reasons did you quit?

After "D day", we started couples counseling right away. H quit, and then went to europe with his exwife. When he came back he asked for us to start up again. He quit again.

Just like I keep reading on these boards...he says he wishes he could change his feelings but he CAN'T. I HAVE got to accept this. It is so painful today, I wish I hadn't gone over last weekend. But I've got to get a grip since the next month there will be lots of contact while we move out of the house.

Good luck Thankful...I hope you hear the words you are seeking, and more importantly the action that he is ready to work on things. If only my husband could believe me that I really love him (despite my poor choices, declaratioins of love to my affair partner etc)..but he says he just can't. He continues to throw it all in my face. Of course I feel very guilty and sorry. I will not be on my death bed saying I have no regrets...sad.
cis

I just broke down and emailed my husband. I emailed him lyrics to a song earlier called "You Just Might Make Me Believe". He emailed me back and said thanks, asked where I got the lyrics and how I attached them. Asked what my plans were for the evening, and signed it Love, (his signature).

I attempted to email him back and tell him some of my feelings. But I got scared. The first line of my email just said that the emails would stop soon, that I send them because I think they might help but in the end I'm just setting myself for more hurt. the second paragraph started out telling him that I felt him drifting away, how his feelings of affection for me have stopped. Which they have the last three days. It was like a light switch turned off or something. He says he loves me and misses me and all, but he doesnt come up to me anymore and give me hugs and kisses when he gets home. Anyway, in the middle of a sentence I said to myself "what the ****** am I doing?" And I just stopped typing and sent it without even finishing. My heart says do it. My head says your just going to get rejected.

I am having other turmoils. I have a house (the one that I lived in before I married) that I am renting out. That's where I will have to move when I leave. I need to go and tell my renters that they need to look elsewhere for a place as I will be moving back in. But I can't bring myself to do it. These renters are so good and take such good care of the place. They have a small boy, and she suffers from bi-polar, the H works to support them. I don't have the heart to tell them to just get out. I feel like I'm pushing these people out in the street. I have no choice I have to do it. But I'm dragging my feet. I guess I'll just have to pray about it.

Soon, I definitely am willing to talk with him. I just don't know what it's really going to be about. Don't you think if it were something positive that he would have wanted to get together sooner than Thursday? Like what is stopping him from coming over here in the evening, while the kids are in bed? I guess to protect myself, I truly don't have very little hope with regard to the talk and what it's about. The more I think about it, the more I think he is just going to try to beg me to get a job b/c he can't afford everything anymore. That and the fact that he is missing the kids more than he imagined is what I "Think" the talk is going to be about. But I could be wrong, he could be seriously reconsidering everything. I don't think he is though, but again, that could be me just protecting my heart. I do NOT want to get my hopes up at all and then have him come here to say nothing but negative crap. Can you tell how guarded I have become?

As for MC, we went together, twice. He doesn't think he needs any help and is SO anti-psychologist/therapist, that he got into an argument with the woman and just says that no one can help him. He is VERY stubborn with regard to that.

Gotta run. I'll be back later on tonight. TTFN ((HUGS)) to you all!

Hi Soon,

I usually see her a couple of times per week. We usually don't speak or even make eye contact. Today, she walked right out in front of me, started to say something, and saw it was me and just walked on. I followed her to her office and said "How are you?", to which she said "Good, how are you?" I said "OK". I just had to make her speak to me.

I'm going to have to pull myself by my bootstraps and get over this thing. I'm wallowing a little bit is self pity and I don't want this to become a habit.

Soon, we did go to a MC one time. My STBXW's brother suggested a MC, so she felt obligated to go. The MC was a very nice, pro-marriage man, and he said that we could fix our problems and have a good marriage again. He gave us some homework to do and a book to read, but my STBX told me after the session that she didn't want to do it.

I did read an interesting study on the GQII Forum about some research that some university conducted. They interviewed something like 6,000 couples in which at least one of the partners were unhappy. Five years later they re-interviewed those same people. Of the couples that stayed together, something like 6 or 7 out of 10 now said they were happy. The interesting thing was of those now happy, most said that MC had very little to do with the turnaround. I have this study as a word document and I can e-mail it to you if you want.

Tired

Cis: Question? If your H asked you to come over again would you? I have done the same thing as you...in the moment it feels so good. And then afterwards you realize you just set yourself up. Why do we do that? My H says that this is "just the way it has to be". "just can't do it". That's why I asked earlier if you all thought that some people just werent meant to be. Becuase I don't necessarily believe that. My H just tries to control himself and solve things himself instead of handing it over to the right person.

Thankful: You are protecting your heart and you should. I don't blame you for getting your hopes up. Don't let yourself do that, instead...expect the worse. That way you will be prepared if that's what you get. Well, more prepared I guess. If you can be. It sounds good anyway. I think it would make more sense to expect the worse and it get better, than to expect good things and get rejected. Make sense? You may be right. You may be wrong. But you wont know until you talk to him. You be sure and let us know how it goes though, OK?

Tired: I just cannot imagine seeing someone whom I shared my life with and not even speaking to eachother. YOU ARE VERY STRONG. If it was me, I'd run like the dickens to get away from that job whether it was an option or not. I have to do whatever it took to get away from him. Yeah, email me that [email]article...bluegrassandtwolittleones@yahoo.com[/email] (long aint it?)

I find it interesting that all of us have not really attended MC very long. I thought that MC was the key, but according to what Tired has said, it really is not the key. Maybe IC is more of a success?

H just emailed me back and asked what it was that he was not doing. Well, here is how the email went:
"What am I not doing? I am not drifting! I don’t know what the ****** I’m doing either."

So what does that mean? What does anything in any of our lives mean? What in the world is the reasoning behind all of this turmiol in our lives?

If I don't hear from you guys then Ill talk to ya tomorrow. I think I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I have even started smoking again. I didn't want to. I just did. I know it's bad for me, but I can't help it. It calms me, or atleast I think it does.

Soon - I do HAVE to go over to the house many more times in the next month. We sold the house and now we have to move everything out. I feel I need to help my H, since I lived there for so many years, I can't abandon him now.

However, it's doubtful that I will sleep with him again. Since we've been seperated I have wondered how he was doing with his drinking. Well, now I have my answer.

Tonight I'm going to some new friends for dinner. I hope I can have a nice time. The last time I was at these people's house - I bumped into the lawyer my H had just retained for our divorce - I HAD NO IDEA...and she was tacky enough to tell me.

Oh well - I hope I don't suffer from post traumatic stress.
xoxo
Cis

Cis: Hope you had a nice time at dinner.

Soon: I am sure that is going to be hard to tell your tenants they have to move. Unfortunately, you have to do what is best for you at this point, but I can imagine how bad that must make you feel. I am sure they will understand. Good luck with that. When are you moving out?

Tired: Hope you're having a good night! Did you say before or another post that you have a dog? I have a Cocker Spaniel, she's 5 years old and my little princess girl. I love her more than words can describe. She is the best.

My H called tonight to talk to DS and got all upset again after he talked to him, he was crying (my husband) and saying that it feels like our son is becoming so distant with him. In the midst of tears he said "I know it's all my fault!" I just said "I don't know what to say, I'm sorry." And again he said "Sorry I am such an A**hole!" I just said "I'm going to go okay?" and he said "YEP!" He is so depressed but he is right, this is all his fault. This is what he is choosing. He didn't say a word about wanting to sit down and talk to me Thursday. Who knows. I honestly don't think it's anything good. I just want this whole nightmare overwith. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Goodnight to all of you. I will include you in my nightly prayers.

Soon, I think that renters understand that they may be asked to move. Please don't feel bad about doing that. I wish you the best with the move. Oh, you've got mail.

Cis, how was dinner? I hope you enjoyed time with your friends. If you're like me, your friends really come out of the woodwork to support you, and they are truly friends.

Thankful, I think your H has some major problems. Do you think he even remembers wanting to talk on Thursday? Do you feel that he might be suicidal? Be careful! Yes, I do have a dog. A 4 year old basset hound named Samson. He has always meant so much to me and my DS and DSS. I always have someone to talk to with Samson at home.

I hope we all have a really good night. I know that we are all tired, stressed, twisted and in need of something good to happen. Remember, that even though we don't know each other personally, we do have each other to talk to and cry to.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Tired41