I am in councelling to find the root of issues within myself as to why I did/said such horrible things in my M to my WW. My controlling behavior has damaged her, this I know and I take full responsibility for my actions and words that caused the damage. I pray its not too late for our M.

I have been digging thru the internet for info on controlling behaviors and found out just how bad a behavior this is.. even the things that seem so petty are HUGE to the victim....

The councelling is helping me out tremendously in dealing with 'unlearning' this type of behavior.

I know that because of things I have said/done in the past has scarred my WW pretty deep and drove her into unhappiness and low self esteem... she knows I am sorry and understands to a degree why it all took place.

Any thoughts from others on how you are dealing with controlling behavior within yourselves? Insight may help me uncover other things in my life as well.

thanks....

How about specific examples of what kind of behavior you're referring to?

We're ALL accused of being 'controlling' by our WS when the affair is found out. It's the battle cry of the infidel. And the vast majority of the time it's nothing more than normal marital expectations...but it's the best excuse that a WS can come up with.

So what specifically are you referring to?

Lost,

That would be me. I didnt think I was controlling but WH has pointed out that I am. Then my kids, then some others. I am a control freak.
I, too, have read how damaging this is to others and have tried to find out why I do that. I am in counciling now, learning more about myself. Several things I found about myself...wanting to control people and situations is based on fear. For me, I wanted to control because I am afraid of being hurt and the unknown. I want to control the situation so I dont have to be afraid of anything I am not prepared for.
The other part of it for me, is pride. Afraid to admit that I am wrong or that I dont know something. Too proud to think that I was as bad as somebody else.

Contributors to this....i come from a divorved family, father never had anything to do with us. I have seen him twice in over 30 yrs, step father that didnt show me love the way I needed, teenagers who got into drugs and a wayward spouse. I am not blaming them or saying they are the reason I am that way. I am saying it fed into my desire to control things.

I am running late for now, but I will come back later today and maybe talk some more....have to see the councilor. lol
But, it is a process, like everything else. It doesnt go away overnight. I fight the urge every single day to let go and let God as they say.

Katie

Katiegirl,

THANK YOU!!!

My controlling behavior extends back to our early years (1990-when I can say it started coming out). Back then, my wife was VERY dependant on me... for EVERYTHING!!! She wouldn't drive at night, in the rain, on the freeways... ect... she wouldn't make a decision on her own without consulting me first... she was young and fragile and I took FULL ADVANTAGE of that ( I see now) As time progressed, I began to tell her what and what not to wear....too sexy or alluring.... whatever excuse I came up with at the time. I told her she couldn't see certain friends... go to certain places... ect.... I was insecure ( FEARFUL) that she might leave me if I let her go.... I even said AWEFUL things about her wanting to go back to college... " YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT.. WHY WASTE THE MONEY"... Its hard for me to admit... more embarrasing I believe.... that I said and did alot of horrific things in the past...

Once infidelity raised its ugly head in our M... IT WAS ON!!! I held on even tighter (WRONG THING TO DO) and smothered her really bad)

In our 15 years of M, we have had good times and quite a few bad ones that we made it thru... but WE never sat down and communicated the problems and issues that got us to those low points.... NOTHING was ever resolved of dealt with properly....

I now look back and see how my actions and words were not of a loving, caring H but of a controlling tyrant who wanted nothing more than complete control over my spouse to keep her as my own. I didn't want to let her have any indepenance, and now.... that has blown up in my face and I hope its not too late.

I have read alot about control since I started councelling and I encourage myself everyday to continue to UNLEARN this behavior. My WW has seen a change already, but I have a long way to go and only time will relfect a permanent change and the daily efforts within me to change.

What I considered to be loving in my eyes was hurting her emotionally..... I didn't see that... I was blind with fear...

I am a FWW and current BS. I have control issues, but they have improved a great deal (people around me and both counselors have commented on this), but I do slip into those old patterns at times. It takes time to unlearn a behavior and relearn healthier ways. But, I am fully committed to doing so because those old behaviors hurt me too. Sometimes, the changes in my life are subtle, sometimes they are really obvious, but they are happening each and every day and it feels great. I am so much happier.

One thing that really helped me, and truly released a lot of the need to control, was "Codependent No More" by Marilyn (?) Beattie. It is all about control. It helped me finally understand who I am.

Both me and WH are codependent, but we control in different ways (mine is much more overt, his isn't always as obvious--i.e. not being willing to talk at all , hanging up if he does not like a conversation (rather than asking for what he needs), passive-agressive acts, agreeing to doing things, then getting upset when I say something if he does not follow through, doing things on purpose that he knows bother me). Reading that book was really freeing--it showed me so much about myself and why I do what I do and why I had been so unhappy.

We had multiple D-days/false recoveries with his A, so I was very gun-shy and looked to WH's actions to prove his committment because his words had not been trustworthy. He was saying he was committed to R and he would make promises to me and the MB counselor (about extraordinary precautions/meeting my ENs), then he would not follow through. Then, my fear/controlling behavior would come out...trying to get him to do what he had agreed to, trying to get him to read books on marriage R (he never really did seem committed to R, and now I think it was because OW was on his mind and had come back into the picture at some point). He said he felt EP and transparency were controlling.

I was very raw after all the D-days and I was at my worst at that time (we both were, really). I know now that I did not know how to recognize and express my emotions, and so I would act them out with controlling behavior. But, what I should have done, if I had the skills at that time, was say that I was scared that we really were not in R. I would be able to do that now.

My IC has been such a big help in this area--helping me to break the cycle and helping me to see his codependent/controlling behavior too. If you look at the front of that book, it says,"How to stop trying to control others..." Check it out, you might just have the key to your behavior in that book. It has brought me a lot of peace and confidence.

I got to the point where I could not take the pain/lies (due to his A) anymore, it just hurt too much to continue being around him. So, I did what I could to protect myself/my love, and I removed myself from the triangle. Of course, I still love him and believe we can make it work, but not while he is in an A. I deserve better and so do our children.

I see much of myself in both of your posts, Lost and Improved. My WH has always been more on the passive side. Didnt want to rock the boat, so he would go along. Fed into my controling nature. Then, being the mom of 3, WH being military and gone a lot, taking care of everything....just kept feeding the behavior. WH has said in past that I was smothering him. I didnt think so, but I can see it now. I think at the core, it was about being abandoned. Which in the end is what I got anyway. I have a lot of issues. lol

But, positive side.... I can see those things now. I am learning to see both sides of "arguements" or situations and try and put myself in his position and try and think what he might feel. But it is a process. Takes time.

We have had several false recoveries. It is one thing to see things about yourself and try and change them. But when you add another actual human being in there...well then it gets harder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> WH has said he can see that I am changing and that I have improved in areas. But since he is not willing to change at this point, I have to do this for me.

I'm sorry. I am rambling. Just came from councilor. Head is a blender. But just remember it is a process. Doesnt happen overnight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Katie

very true... I battle control everyday.... emotions MUST be kept out of it for me to realize NOT to do the things I want to do and say.. but rather look at it as a choice on how to act, what to say and express myself to where it can be productive instead of destructive...

Thank you all for your wisdom and insight.... keep it coming....

Has anyone looked at the power and control wheels?