Hello All,
I have been listening (reading what you have to say) to as many of you as possible over the last 2 weeks…been waiting to get my courage up to tell my story and ask for your help.

In a nutshell my story is similar in almost every way to the story of Jon, Sue and Greg in Dr. Harley’s book, “Surviving an Affair.” There are a few significant differences that I will point out along the way. For those of you who have not read that story, it begins on page 12 of the above mentioned book.

My D-day as you all call it, was 6/11/03, so as you can see, my wife’s A has been going on for all this time. I have trouble with the acronyms you use because I’m not sure what they all mean…I have to keep looking them up, but I will attempt to use them properly so bear with me. There is one caveat in my situation that I haven’t seen in any of yours yet. That is, the stand that my…our church has on infidelity. For this reason I have not told anyone except one counselor about my wife being in love with an OM. Being completely ignorant of how affairs happen, and then proceed, affect children, family members and friends, I thought that protecting my WW from being discovered would encourage her to “repent” on her own, and that it would be better for our marriage if she were to bring it to their attention (the church’s) rather than me. The thing is: the longer she waits to confess and carries on the A the more likely it is that excommunication from the church will occur. Besides that, not telling hasn’t worked. There can be complete and total forgiveness, but there has to be a period of time of up to a year or more of sincere and heartfelt penitence for someone to be able to come back to full membership in our church. Since she is still involved in the A after nearly 3 years, it is highly likely that she will be excommunicated. The reason I’m telling you this is because I called Dr. Harley anonymously on his radio show one day, and told him our situation. He said that I need to expose the A to my pastor, children, family and mutual friends. We didn’t have time to really discuss this, so I’m bringing it to your attention to get your thoughts and ideas on the matter.

One thing more, in June of 2000 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We had just moved into our ‘dream home’ a month before my cancer diagnosis. I had surgery in July of that year which failed to get all the cancer, so in September and October I went through radiation treatment which held the cancer at bay for a few years. I’m telling you about this, because my wife said that one of the main reasons she had the A was because of the way I handled having cancer. According to her, I was depressed, angry, self pitying, and mean. After those treatments I began having pain in my back and tailbone which made me doubt that all was well. I went to a counselor to try to improve my relationship with my wife. My wife wouldn’t go with me. The counselor told me that if she wouldn’t come with me there wasn’t much he could do for me alone to improve our marriage. The pastor at our church called us in one day…told us that our kids had come to him, worried about the way we were getting along. He said he’d arrange counseling for us through the church, but never did. My wife agreed then to go to counseling and blames him somewhat for her A which began a year and a half later. On September 11, 2001, the World Trade Centers were attacked. My wife works for one of the major airlines whose plane was hijacked and used by the hijackers to attack us. Now my wife’s job was threatened…her working hours were reduced. Her hourly pay was cut. With the doctor bills, the house payment, the car payments etc., money became a big issue. We immediately refinanced our house, consolidating loans on our van and a few furnishings for the house. We were still getting by, but just barely. We were holding on. My wife got two part time jobs that were fairly easy and didn’t interfere with her schedule at the airline. In the fall of 2002 she quit both of those part time jobs because the airline increased her hours and pay. She was working too much anyway. That fall she became obsessed with running. My son was a track and cross country star, so I thought he had inspired her to do this. Boy was I wrong. She and I had run together quite often but not every day. We would run once or twice a week…sometimes together, sometimes separately, depending on the compatibility of our schedules. It wasn’t enough to really get in shape. Suddenly she became determined and obsessed to get in shape. I thought it was great. I was impressed. After a while she would leave me in her dust…seemed to enjoy pulling away from me. I complimented her new found strength. She lost about 30 pounds…began dressing really sharp…started putting on sexy clothes…acted more interested in sex with me, which I thought was great, but afterwards she seemed disgusted with me and acted as if she didn’t want me to be around her. I became more depressed and sad. My wife didn’t even like me and I didn’t know why. One day I said to her, “Xxxxx, if you’re not happy I’ll let you go. I don’t want you to be unhappy…you seem so unhappy with me.” I meant that. She said “You sound like you want me to leave.” I told her I didn’t want her to leave, but that I wanted her to be happy. It was during this talk that I learned about her “best friend.” I don’t remember how his name came up, but she told me she was going to go running with him. I told her I didn’t think that was a very good idea and that I felt jealous. She asked why. I said that a married woman shouldn’t be seen with a man other than her husband and told her that even God is a jealous God. She told me that he was her ‘best friend’ and that she was going to go running with him. From then on I suspected an A. One evening she came home dressed to the nines…looking very good and wanting me. I thought she was trying to be good to me...trying to make our marriage work…but she later told me she did it too see if she still felt anything for me. I can’t tell you how I found out about the A. It is too horrible to repeat. I’ve never heard of anyone finding out the way I did.

On Friday 6/11/03 I asked her if she’d go to a movie with me. I wanted to try to go out with her at least once a week. She flat said no, and something like ‘I don’t want to go anywhere with you.’ This hurt bad. I knew now that she was having an A. This attitude confirmed it as well as what I didn’t describe to you earlier. I asked her to come out on the back porch with me to talk…away from the kids. They knew something was terribly wrong, but didn’t know what, and still don’t to this day. I said to her, “I know you’re having an affair.” At first she denied it, but when I described my proof to her she conceded that she was. That was the beginning of walking through ****** for nearly 3 years now. Now it was in the open between us. She went to him that night…stayed for 3 or 4 hours before coming home. I didn’t know what to do. I was numb. She came home. She said she wanted to stay with me for the kid’s sake but that was all. All 3 were home then attending high school and middle school. Since then my oldest DD got married and my DS went off to college. My youngest DD is now a sophomore in high school. She complicates things too. I agreed to let my WW stay with me. We even slept in the same bed but now all of a sudden it was weird and insane. She would sometimes leave in the middle of the night and go to the MM (Marathon Man). He was why she had become obsessed with running! I cried, I prayed, I changed everything about myself. I became the perfect husband too late. She would say things like “I know what the right thing to do is, but I just can’t do it.’ She said the ultimate, meaningless phrase too, that I’ve seen so many of you quote, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” How original is that? Can’t people having A’s come up with something original? Like, “I hate your guts, I found somebody better, eat my dust.” That’s what a runner should say! But they don’t want to hurt us so they nicely say, ‘I love you but I’m not…’

I’m sorry but I’m tired of telling you this story. What I really need to know is…should I do plan A or plan B. I found you guys so late… I don’t know where I am. My WW moved out 6 months ago. My two oldest children don’t know why. My youngest knows, but only because my WW told her. She thought that might help her, since she was having so many issues. WHAT DID SHE EXPECT OF A 14 YEAR OLD!!! My daughter is a whole other story, but to my thinking she is part of the fallout from this nuclear holocaust. To her credit she does to. Last night she told me that she hates what Mom is doing to her, our family and to me. My oldest daughter got married on New Years Eve of 2004. That’s another story too. Turns out my WW invited the MM to our daughter’s wedding reception. It was all I could do to stay for the rest of my daughter’s reception while the devil himself sauntered around among our family and friends unbeknownst to all except me and my WW. My WW had invited him. She later revealed that he had lent her 500 dollars to help pay for the wedding…wanted someone there who would appreciate all her efforts. I had given my WW more than 10,000 dollars to spend on my DD’s biggest day. I had complimented her on how beautiful everything had turned out, and he shows up. I was furious, but held my anger and my tongue for my daughter’s sake. She still doesn’t know about the MM. He’s just my WW’s ‘good friend’ from work.

My DS age 19 is going on a mission for our church…leaving the 26th of April. He’ll be gone for 2 years. He doesn’t know about the A either. I didn’t want my children to know that their mother had done something so despicable, so I have kept this a secret. I wanted my wife to quietly repent of this whole thing and keep our family together…only a few key people would have known. Now I’m reading Dr. Harley’s stuff and learning that what I’m doing probably won’t work…that I should have gone to my church leaders right away. Her parents and brothers and sisters don’t know either. All they know is that we’re separated.

Do I need to do plan A or plan B? My WW wrote me an e-mail last week saying “don’t get me “ANYTHING” for Valentines day. I helped her move out of our house and into an apartment the middle of last September. I talked with her about me moving to another town after she moved out but she said, “If you do that there will be very little chance of us getting back together.” I stayed, hanging on that hope. We sold our ‘dream home’ 2 weeks later, and then I moved into an apartment too. She had even suggested that I rent an apartment next to hers.

Right now this is our situation: My wife wrote the e-mail re: wanting nothing from me for Valentine’s Day. In that note she said in effect that she is glad we can be friends and work together doing things for our kids, but that is all there is and she doesn’t look to see that change. I have worked really hard to be a friend to her…to take care of our kids’ financial needs as much as possible. I’m giving her 300 dollars every two weeks, paying for cell phones for her and the kids, paying for all of the insurance (auto, life and renters), paying for storage for the belongings we had in our recently sold home, paying for medical bills that aren’t covered by insurance. This is how I’ve tried to compete with the MM…meeting her emotional need for financial security. She won’t let me even try to meet her other emotional needs. He work’s part time at the airline so he can’t be earning much there…my wife doesn’t earn that much, so I’m sure he doesn’t either. He has a wife and kids too, In South Dakota or somewhere like that, so I suppose he is providing some support to them, but I don’t know that for sure. My WW also told me that the MM was paying for the cell phone she got soon after the A began. This stuff made me crazy. My WW won’t go to a counselor…has said “It’s too late now.” I tried calling her every day to show her that I care and just to talk but she acted annoyed and short with me. I decided that she was turned off by this…seemed like I was desperate and needy which I’m not, but she once told me she thought I was. I stopped calling. Now I just let her call me. All calls from her are logistical in nature…no small talk, no interest in me or what I’m doing. Since my son came home from college and is now going on a mission she’s been going to church…sits with me at church with our kids...invites me over for dinner on Sundays quite often and invited me to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas there…she even called me to go over today for dinner. She hasn’t said to any of the church members or even her immediate family that she is planning to file for divorce, but everyone knows she left me. She has said to me that she can’t go live with her lover. He’s still married but separated from his wife too. My WW has said that she would never just move in with the MM. I suppose that means she would only live with him if they were married to each other, so it would look good to the kids, friends and family. I haven’t mentioned the MM to her for more than six months now. I don’t even know for sure if she’s still carrying on the A. Her car is often parked by his at the airport though. I only know that, because I have to pass by the airport employee parking lot on my way to work. She works on one end of the airport and I work on the other.

If I expose this A, when and how should I do it? Should I do it before my son leaves for 2 years? The A started when he was 16. He’s now 19. How can an A be exposed in a loving, kind way? Do I need to go directly to plan B? What about her parents and siblings? What about my family and friends? Who do I tell? Who do I not tell? My WW will be so angry. For six months she has had no reason to be angry with me. In reality she’s had no real reason to be angry with me for 21/2 years…she just chose to be. This is a dormant volcano with incredible explosive power lurking below. She spent nearly two years yelling and screaming at me. That has stopped with the separation. She seems to consider me a friend now. You can see why I’m confused.

If I keep writing I’ll never stop. I’ll never hear from any of you. I need to banter back and forth. Please ask questions. I’ll try to be more concise and less prone to rambling so much. What do you all suggest? Thank you in advance. My heart is broken for all of you as is my own. Many prayers and good wishes to each of you.
RoT.

Dear River,

I don't think I am the best one to answer your questions, but I'm bumping your post up so perhaps another more seasoned reader will. Generally, I would recommend you follow the advise Dr. Harley gave you when you spoke to him on the phone.

MAzingrace

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I don't know what church you go to, but hiding the affair is not going to help. The reason your church is so hard on an adulterer is because of what they are doing. You keeping quiet about it doesn't change what is happening.

Your wife will continue the affair as long as she can keep it hidden. It needs to be exposed. You should tell your pastor, the other man's wife and your children.

Mazingrace,
Thanks for commenting. I want to do what Dr. Harley said but I want to know how to do it best...and how and where do you bump a post up?
Thanks again,
RoT

Hi RT, sorry you are here. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

My suggestion for exposure is to make a list of key targets and call them as close together as possible. That allows the affairees to feel the maximum impact and prevents them from pre-empting you.

It is best to not get into sordid details, just explain that your W is in an affair with XYZ, and it has lasted for XYZ years and this was why she left the family. Explain that you are trying to save your marriage and any support they could offer would be appreciated.

A good exposure list might include these people, in this order:

Your children
OM's wife, if any
OM's boss if a workplace affair
OM's parents
WW's parents
WW's siblings
Close friends [not gossipy girlfriends]
Your pastor

Your W should not be forewarned. After you expose, she will likely find out and will be FURIOUS at you for interfering in her affair. That is ok. We can help you deal with the fallout.

After this is done, you might want to consider going into Plan B in the near future. But you have some time to reflect on that.

Dear Friend.

It's not too late.

Please MEMORIZE AND IMPLEMENT IMMEDIATELY THE CARROT AND STICK OF PLAN A.

Get help from Harley.

SET A DEFINITE TIME FRAME FOR PLAN A.

And IT IS TIME TO EXPOSE...EXPOSE EXPOSE.

Silence has allowed the affair to THRIVE! AND IT IS NOT HELPING IT DIE AT ALL.

How can an affair die when it's being passively encouraged? Why would somebody who is being dishonest and acting similarly to an addicted person be trusted to on their own end the addictive affair?

I am saddened at the reception of your dd's wedding.

That man is horrible!

It is time the OMW found out. I'd get a PI...get evidence..and DO NOT FORWARN THE WS ABOUT YOUR EXPOSING IT...gives them a chance to hide..to spin...to change their story and spin it back on you.

I'd line my exposure ducks out...make a list of whom to expose to...give all the same information...and drop the bomb like OM backyard was hiroshima on d day.

But also learn what EN's are missing...what you can do in plan A to also sabotague the affair.

SET A TIME FRAME FOR PLAN A SINCE THE AFFAIR HAS GONE ON SOOOO LONG...

And then after the designated time frame...if it does not work...time to do plan B.

DO NOT ATTEMPT PLAN B UNLESS YOU GIVE IT 100 PERCENT IN PLAN A.

believer,
How can you find the OM's wife when you barely know anything about him, and his wife lives in another state?
Have others on this site been able to find an OM's wife under similar circumstances? How do you go about it? Does timing matter in exposing the A? My WW will probably say that I did this because it's 'all about me...,'that I'm selfish...,that I did it draw attention to myself and away from my DS's happy choice to go on this mission.
Thanks believer.
RoT

RT, you will have to do some super sleuthing to find out who the OM is. Does he come to her house? Is his # on her phone bill? Your old phone bills?

You can do some snooping on your own and possibly even hire a PI to track him down and find his spouse.

And she will accuse you of all manner of motivations, but really, it isn't your motivations that are suspect here, but hers. Don't worry about her accusations. No matter how you do it, she will be angry, so just expect it.

Mel,

Not to thread jack, but great to see you back.

ROTears, I am backing into your thread to read up. Will respond later.

WOL

Sadly, this practice has only facilitated the affair and done nothing to endear you to her. This has ENABLED her to carry on her affair without having to ever face the consequences of her actions. I would suggest after you expose that you immediately stop funding her affair. Let the OM pay for her upkeep and see how long he lasts.

Thanks WOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After exposure she will say some combination of the following:

She will say it is none of your business, none of their business, this was not the right way to tell them, she was going to work on the marriage, but now won't, you're crazy, how could you hurt his family, she will never trust you again, this is the last straw, she wants a divorce, blah, blah, blah. They all say the same things

Appeasement will NOT end an affair. It will enable it though.

I advise on getting info for exposure to HIRE A PI...WORTH EVERY PENNY. Call lawyers and get referrals...divorce lawyers. They'll tell you who gets the work done!

Ditto!

May I ask if your religion is Christian? If so, check out Mortarman's link.

River, I'm so sorry you didn't come to MB years ago. It's WAY past time to expose this adultery and smash it to shards. No, sir...respectfully, you haven't been meeting her financial needs. What you HAVE been doing is making sure she won't have to face the fact that her emotional need for financial security is vested in you. You've been making sure she doesn't have to face the financial cost of what she's doing. You have, inadvertently, become an enabler of the continuing adultery. Actually, you’ve been shielding her from ALL the consequences of her inappropriate behavior and that needs to stop.

(Edited to remove a remark that was totally wrong.)

First, though, you need to settle on a plan for exposure because that is the best tool you have to kill this affair. You have been given a suggested list of individuals or groups above to whom you should expose what’s been going on. I like to say it in more general terms. My opinion on that is to expose to anyone who can put pressure on the affair. That would include all of the suggestions above, plus anyone else you can think of. Perhaps your wife is a member of some professional groups, clubs, or societies that frown on such things. Here is a link to a good thread on exposing:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1


If you’ve read Surviving An Affair you know a part of Plan A that a lot of folks disregard is securing their finances. You need to do that immediately if you have not already done so. It may be necessary to hire an attorney to get things straight and he/she can also advise on what to do if the worst-case scenario happens.

If you can afford to hire a private investigator, do so. The expense now will provide returns you can’t foresee now. It’ll be a quick way to find the OM’s wife and family.

If you can’t hire a PI, but you can find a phone number for the OM, do a Google search on “Reverse Directory.” Those directories take a phone number and do a search on them to find a name and address, and perhaps more data.

As for exposing to your children, yes, expose to your son before he leaves on the mission. He has a right to know what is going on and he’ll hear anyway when you expose to others. There is no easy way to expose to your children and no way to plan for it. Sit them down, take a deep breath, open your mouth, and just start telling them what you know. Your children deserve honesty from you. They aren’t getting it from your WW so you’ll have to do it. Let the chips fall where they may, sir.

They don’t need specifics, of course. Generalities are all they’ll require. Considering the ages of your kids, I suspect they already know or have suspicions anyway. You’ll probably only be confirming what they’ve already seen.

Sir, it’s time for you to get busy. You’ve laid back and done nothing to stop this for far too long. Get proactive, okay? You need to take your life back from the aliens.

(Believer, I think he is probably LDS/Mormon.)

Got it.

I agree with Longhorn. He needs to secure his finances, stop funding the affair, and expose.

justpeachy,

What are EN's?

Thanks,
RoT

EN’s is the abbreviation for Emotional Needs.

Here is a link to all the acronyms and abbreviations you’ll find on these boards.

Here is a list of all the most important EN's in a M.

((((((((((((RoT)))))))))))))

I'm sorry you are here. I agree with many of the suggestions that have been made above--there are some important things that you can do at this stage to be more assertive about the fate of your family. No matter what happens, it will be meaningful to your children to know that their Dad did everything he could.

1-I am guessing from some of the "lingo" you used that you are Mormon/LDS. Am I right? If so--my first suggestion is to tell the individuals in your ward that can be helpful to you. The Bishop, first and foremost, needs to be involved. I am sure he will want to counsel with you BOTH. And you could probably use a little moral support about now.

2-Tell your son before he goes on his mission. This situation is just not going to hold up for the 2 years that he will be gone--it is going to blow up at any moment. Just think how much more devastating it would be for him to be hit with the truth while he is gone? He (and your other children, for that matter), have a right to know what is going on. They may be wise to pieces of it anyway. They are old enough to have made some observations of their own.

3-Read "Surviving an Affair." I found it to be extremely helpful because it did give me some tools of affirmative things that I could do to make the situation better. There is nothing worse than feeling powerless. One imortant concept from this book is that affairs end in two ways. (a) They die a natural death--which is a painful and destructive process for everyone involved, including you and your WW. (b) They die from exposure. You can hasten the end of this thing by shedding light on it once and for all. And there is no hope for healing your marriage if the affair is still ongoing. It needs to end.

God Bless,
CSJ
____________
BS, me 34
FWH 32
DD, 4 DD, 22 mo.
Married 1997
DDay 11/17/05
PA 10/04-10/05
In Recovery