I found out about the affair 3 weeks ago (exactly). We are going to counseling, H is doing everything in his power to make me take him back, begging for my forgiveness, giving me all the attention I have ever needed, etc. However, how do you gain the respect back for your spouse after a confession of an A? Some of you know my situation, my H cheated while he was over in Iraq for 15 months on a military deployment, it happened 5 times over a matter of 10 months. He is not emotionally connected to this person, has already taken care of NC and is not interested at all in the other person. Says it was just sex due to him being away for so long, and is completely overwhelmed with guilt & ashamed that he did this to me. Anyhow, things are moving along slowly -- very slowly -- with H & I. I am still angry, hurt, sad, and more than anything else, really disappointed in him. I used to look at H with so much respect & love in my heart, and that has been completely stripped away. I guess I need to decide if I think I can ever get that back again. I do love him dearly, but I don't respect him anymore. Does that make sense? I don't respect him because I feel he completely disrespected our marriage vows for very selfish reasons (being horny, if we're being honest), and it hurts that he disrespected our relationship like that. I know there are other men out there who can be faithful, and know I would not have a problem finding someone else, and sometimes I wonder if I should just start over with a clean slate with someone who WILL respect me. So, my question is, how do you look at your WS the same after admittance of an A? How do you ever regain love for them? Right now, I feel myself pushing my H away because I am scared to get close to him again . I'm terrified of being hurt again. It is so soon for us, and I know it doesn't happen overnight, but I'm so scared I will never feel the same way about him again. What do I do?

((TinaD))
Just wanted you to know that you are heard.

It takes time. Are you reading the books suggested here on Dr. Harley's site, individually and with your WH? There is alot of good advice in the baby steps that you can take to go through this time of pain and transition.

I would also suggest, if you haven't already thought of it, to get on your knees and pray. This is the time that you deserve to feel the Atoning Sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ the most. You deserve His love and the love of your Heavenly Father, now more than ever as a Daughter of God.

Good luck and God Bless!

Don't have any good answers for you T. I often wonder if WWW and I give it another go (not the issue at this point in time) will I ever truly be able to let go, forgive her and try and forget (I don't think I will truly ever completely forget)? Will I regain respect I once had for her? I guess I will not know until we at least get to the point you and your WH are (if we get there?).

Hang in there T.

Tina,

I've known about my WH's A's since the Fall. I am struggling with your same question! This is beyond hard. I, too, wonder if it wouldn't be better to just end it.

onlyUcan- I appreciate your words about prayer and I have. I just don't want to pray for something to work out if I really don't want to live my life with this man who is sorry, but -gosh- the things he was doing when I wasn't looking. I don't believe for one second that he won't hurt me again!

Tina, do you believe that, too? That now you know what can happen, why wouldn't it happen again?

I feel for you. I wish I could take your pain and mine away. Life seems too short to take the risks we take on the betrayers. Isn't this different from forgiveness? Do you believe that you can forgive without restoration?

Hi Oak. In a way I feel the same as you. For me, my H didn't have to tell me a bunch of twisted lies about where he as & who he was with, as he was in a completely different country than me when he cheated. And, his A was one of a very sexual nature. He basically used this person for sex, told her that, and she did fall in love with him, but he was not at all emotionally attached. He confessed, so it's not like I had to snooop to find out, and he didn't lie to me for months & months after he returned from his deployment (he was only home 2 weeks when he told me). That being said, I DO believe it won't happen again. My biggest issue is regaining that total love I had for him, that unconditional love. He disrespected our marriage and our vows. He was able to remove me, his wife, from his mind during the act of sex with this other person. For that, I am devestated. I feel a total lack of respect on his part while he was away. I remained faithful the entire 15 months, and even ran 3 marathons in his honor with his picture on the back of my shirt. I totally respected his decision to be in the military, only to have it hurt me in the end. So, I am kind of rambling, but I understand what you are saying. I don't believe my H would ever have had an affair if he hadn't been away from home for 15 months. He is not making excuses for his actions, and knows it was a very selfish sexual urge that he fulfilled & is very ashamed. Even now when I pose the questions, "why?" he can't even understand himself why he did this.

Anyhow, my point is I don't know how to regain that love & respect back, and I don't know if I ever can. I also wish I could take the pain away, for all of us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Tina - You need to accept the fact that your marriage will never be the same. The exclusivity and innocence is gone forever. He broke his vows, and can never take it back.

However, you can build a better marriage and completely recover. It will take time. Your husband will need to comfort you and make you feel safe again.

His actions likely had little to do with his feelings for you. Men are able to compartmentalize things in their life.

I suggest you fully grieve what you have lost, and move forward to a better marriage.

Believer, thank you. It gives me hope to hear you say that his actions had little to do with how he felt about me. I do believe you are right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is hard, but I think we will be OK in the end. I do need to realize that my marriage will never be the same, and hopefully I can regain the love I once had for him.

I think that is one of the biggest parts of the battle, realizing that you no longer have what you always thought you would have. It was awful for me. I felt the marriage was tainted, my dreams were dead. And it is necessary to face that fact and accept it.

I'm very hopeful for your marriage because your husband came forward on his own. That happens only about 1 out of 1,000 times around here.

You can respect him as a man who served his country. You can respect his efforts to make this right. You can begin realizing that he is human and weak.

believer, you have written that you believe BS's should "fully grieve" and "move on to a better marriage". You wrote that it is necessary to face the factsof the
A and accept it. Here's the thing, b...my WH's first A was years ago. I hung in there for the kids, because I thought it was the right thing to do. I was hurt but still cared and wanted a good marriage. Now I'm trying to recover from another one and something has changed for me. I don't want to feel like I just have to stay. I want to WANT to. I don't, most of the time. When I look at my WH now, I see a guy who messed up (as humans are wont to do) and who eventually began to fess up and try to change. I'm really glad for him! I just don't want him anymore!!! Why do I have to do this again? I'm not getting any younger and I feel very much that I would like to know what it is to completely love and be loved, trust and be trusted. I know I will never trust this man again. Despite my own failures, b, I tried HARD to love this man for all of our marriage and up to this current affair had tolerated a lot of stuff. No one is giving me a medal for this. I've been more than lonely with this guy, b, and I am just tired of being good. Your thoughts?

Oak, even if you decide to end the marriage, you will still have some grieving to do. No matter what, you are facing a loss.

The Harleys say that often, a second betrayal is the one that can't be recovered from.

How about starting a thread so we can get some background?

I don't blame you for how you feel, Oak. I've been very clear with my H that if this ever happens again, he is out and we are over. He knows that is very real, and I can't have it any other way. I am not going to allow him to trample on my heart over & over again, and I would feel the same if it happened again -- I could never recover. I hope everything works out for you, and that you do find happiness. You certainly deserve it.

Tina,

If your H does all the right things to repair the M you will regain respect for him and even perhaps more respect for him than you had in the past.

This was the case with my H. Intially I was so hurt and so angry that I just wanted to disappear. I told my H that I would leave. He could have the house, all the money and even the children if he wanted. I meant it. I offered this several times over a period of months. I was so certain my H did not want me and I didn`t want him to stay with me out of a sense of obligation or fear of financial ruin.

My H never took me up on this offer even though he had the chance to rid himself of me and start anew without losing anything.

My H chose the hard way. And he worked diligently for 2 YEARS to win me back. I don`t think I would have been that tough had I been in his shoes. I would have given up.

You may learn this about your own H. He may surprise you with his diligence. Tell him what you need to recover and then watch what he does. From what you have posted here and on your other thread I think your H will work hard to repair the damage. This will take alot of courage and your respect for him will return.


It does make sense that now he is faced with the damage his actions have caused your H has no idea why he did what he did. When he had his A you were half a world away, he didn`t have to face you. But now he does. He can witness the fallout of his actions and compared to the momentary pleasure there is no logical explanation for his A. In other words it wasn`t worth it. It really wasn`t worth it.

And if you are wondering if your H will ever do this again ask him how his actions have hurt HIM. That`s best measure of a truly reformed WS...did the A hurt him?

Believer's words really ring true. I am still recovering from my wife's A and it took us to file and separate 1800 miles across country to finally hit rock bottom and both realize what we were about to lose. I had to understand my own behaviour in the marriage and what led her to feel so lonely and unable to communicate with me about many things. Anyway, yes, the loss of innocence is tough to handle, probably the biggest thing for me personally besides the dishonesty which really hurt. TindD, your situation is very different and it sounds like your spouse was honest enough to at least come clean as they say. This was not the case with me. And, your spouse is taking the proper steps to regain your trust. Again, not the same for me. It took alot of time for the "fog" to wear off.

Stand up for yourself and set your own boundaries and be sure your spouse is aware of them. And yes, realize that unfortunately your marriage will never, ever be the same again. Only can decide whether or not you can deal with this as time moves on. I am now dealing with the aftermath of exposure which did help end her A but also the fact that many friendships took a turn for the worse along with my family's interactions with me and my wife as they all know alot of the details. Mind you, we decided over a year ago to end the divorce and begin to build a new marriage. But, everyone has a different opinion on our life and what we should do or not do. We both want our marriage and I sincerely hope your and your spouse do too.

Best of luck.