My husband is abusive. We seperated and I had an affair. I WANT TO REBUILD THE MARRIAGE. Husband is in denial about anger problems and says he won't rebuild the marriage if i ever have an affair. He doesn't know yet. I know this isn't right not to tell him, but my pastor, our marriage counselor and my counselor agree until he can stop hurting me with the abuse then to tell him would only sign my death certificate. I want him to get anger management therapy I know it will be a long road to recovery but i have hope that it can all be forgiven.<BR>What should be my main concern? The abuse or the affair.<BR>Should i just tell him and hope that he doesn't hurt me. I realize that he is allowed to divorce me as a consequence for my sin and i must accept it. or<BR>Should i just divorce him for the abuse and forget that i love him and want him to get help for his anger issues?<BR>I believe in a miracle working God.<P>

Welcome to MB <P>First, and most importantly, it is wonderful that you still have a desire to work on your marriage. <P>That said, IT IS NEVER RIGHT TO BE ABUSED, and YOUR SAFETY is PARAMOUNT!! You must NOT tell your H unless you are in a SAFE place. <P>You are right, God can and does work miracles. God wants marriages to succeed. It would be great if your H would agree to anger management. <P>Do you have children? Are they in danger? Those are questions that must be answered.<P>Nobody here will tell you to run out and get a divorce, but they will tell you that if you are being abused you need to leave the situation - a separation from the abuser - if that is truly the case. It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things already, since you're seeing a counselor and pastor about your marriage. Is your H going with you? That would be the place to spill the beans, if you are going to.<P>One other question, is the affair completely OVER??<P>Keep us posted, and best wishes as you continue to work on your marriage. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

I agree completely with New Beginning. The abuse needs to be addressed before the affair, but in the mean time, the affair must end.

That is a tough question..... First I would be more incline to worry about your self protection. He does need to know, and maybe you might be able to tell him in a counseling session or with someone else present. A trusted friend to the both of you perhaps. <P>I am sorry that you have to go through this pain but you are in the right place to deal with it. Remember, Don't let the guilt fool you into doing something silly. Like not worring about your own safety because your not worthy. <P>Also on the same note, I was not physically abusive to my W.... Ever. For years I told my W if she ever cheated on me that I would kill her and him and move to Mexico. What a laugh, What I did was break down and cry and within 5 minutes knew that I still wanted her in my life. My point is we all react differently. For years I always had heard of others talking about infidelity and of course me the macho man said I would kick my W's butt to the street..... Wrong again.<P>So I see your point that you are scared for yourself but remember you know him best. Protect yourself.... <P>Good luck<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

please check out www.drirene.com. your situation sounds terribly familiar. good luck to you. as an abuser in recovery, i hope thee best for you. i wish my wife didn't want to end the marriage. sometimes thats what it takes to wake up. i lost it all, and now i wish to have it back.

I believe that the affair is over. I say that because I never ever want to see the om again not out of meanness but out of respect for everyone involved. I pray for his salvation. <BR>I am waiting for GOD to give me the wisdom and the strenth to confront my husband. He knows my husband inside and out and will know the exact right time. When I don't wait for God i make careless human heart felt mistakes .<BR>As for the abuse. I do have a seperate apartment but unfortunalty I spend alot of time with my ex out of guilt and lonliness I do not want to have another affair. I have put myself and kids in danger with this situation. I feel so foolish but lonliness is a terrible bed partner.<BR>How can I cope with the lonliness without running to om or husband until he gets the help he need? Logic tells me Jesus unfortunatly i have a hard time getting head knowledge and turning it into heart knowledge.<BR>Thank you all for your kind words.<BR>I hope this is the begining of some wonderful new friendships and life.<BR>God bless

Unforgiven, you must realize that in order for your marriage to survive YOU and YOUR CHILDREN need to survive. Do not expose yourself or your children to an abusive situation. I know about lonliness and how it IS a terrible bed partner. But sometimes you need to have that void so that maybe God could fill it with something else, whatever his wishes are. Do follow the advice of New beginnings, she does have some good stuff to give to people. And do realize that we are here for you! Please keep us posted on yourself, and we will pray for you! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>