I'll try to be succinct & welcome all input/ideas.
We've been married 27+ years. Early in our marriage my H ended up working 60 miles away, basically home only on weekends. Our house had be gutted for remodelling (he's a carpenter & was doing all the work prior to needing to go out of area for work) & we were living in the basement. During that time we'd had 2 kids, so here I am living in a basement w/2 under 2 & in order to survive he emotionally disconnected & learned to live very independently. After a battle w/suicidal thoughts I started working outside the home just for adult contact & interaction. H started coming home ever night & after 14 years was finally able to find work up here (N MN) & has been working closer to home for the last 8 years.

After 4 1/2 years in the basement we moved upstairs - majorly undone but livable. Because he works remodelling other peoples homes my input in what this house looks like has been minimal. I am supposed to keep it clean, but don't have much say about decor.. We now have 3 sons, 1 out on his own, 1 in college, 1 a senior in high school, so only 1 in the house right now.
I moved into a job I adore - working in an independent bookstore doing 90% of the ordering & receiving. But it's just over minimum wage even after 18 years & that bugs him because he can't have a life being responsible for "all" the bills. (When I asked what that meant he said being able to take off on long trips on his motorcycle whenever he wants)

I am involved in my church, working with youth & being trained as a pastor. Last summer I got to go to Ukraine on a 2 1/2 week missions trip. We had talked about the opportunity for me to go & H said if I could finance it myself he thought it was awesome. Came home & 3 weeks later caught H in OW car in a park in town. He tried to pass it off as a side job (he did remodeling work for other people in area on weekends), but I just asked how long it had been going on. OW was someone he'd met thru work 2 years before but he had only hooked up with her that spring. He's into motorcycles & over the late spring & early summer he was going off on rides with her (she has her own bike) & things progressed from there. EA & PA

I told him he had to break it off & get us into counselling with someone immediately. I had a commitment I needed to fulfill that night & when I got home he'd made the call to a pastor/friend of ours & we could see him the next night. For the next few weeks we would go for counselling. We took a trip in Oct (my parents 50th ann in WI & his parents who have major health issues in MI) On the way between parents I went to call our youngest son using his cell. OW name came up. He'd called her while at my parents. WH very emotional in his apologies to me - on his knees outside his dad's bedroom window crying etc. I stuff my emotions & have us take a walk around town to talk. I let him know that we both needed to work on this & he couldn't run to her ever time he felt shakey emotionally. By Thanksgiving he wasn't making any effort to make appointments for counselling. MC checked in with me during holidays & we both felt that for this to be of value WH needed to do set ups. Early Jan our church was offering Alpha marriage course (kind of a 7 wk MB thing) & our pastors wanted us to attend. Around that same time I found HNHN & asked WH if he would go thru it with me. I also got SAA, LB. We started going to Alpha but after a couple of weeks WH still wasn't initiating homework & I had had enough. I told him that if I couldn't see a visible shift in what was happening between us I would be moving out. I had read SAA, had been doing Plan A all even w/o knowing it but was at my end. A week went by & I started having problems sleeping again & pushed. We'd been intimate but afterwards I was left feeling punished for the next few days. I confronted WH about that & asked if he felt unfaithful to OW by being with me. WH said yes. I then told him that by the time he got home (I'd been up all night & confronted him at 6am on his way out to work) he needed to figure out who he was married to & that maybe I should be leaving now. He came home that night & told me that he felt we needed to be apart. Because our house has never been finished (only 1/2 cabinets in kitchen, cracks in walls, etc) & is way beyond any fixing I can do I said I'd be the one to go. I started to look at apartments in our area & check into other jobs because altho I love my job it's been cut down to 17 hrs/wk (more during holidays), not enough to live on. I found an apartment without too much difficulty altho couldn't get into it until mid-March. As we had been going along w/o too much problems we felt that we could handle a few weeks more. When I started looking for work is when I really started losing it. Because I have a job (even if it's minimal) I don't qualify for much help. I don't have a college degree & of the 50 jobs listed locally I only had skills for 6, all part-time/minimum wage - no upgrade from where I'm at. Over the course of the next 5 days I got about 18 hours of sleep & "flipped out" twice at my WH. I was overwhelmed by all the changes I was having to go thru. The first time he just ignored it, but the second time I brought up how even tho he'd had the A, I was the one who's life was being destroyed - losing my home, my M, my job... That seemed to click something in him to understand I was not taking this lightly. A few days later he said he didn't feel that I needed to move out. We talked some & it seemed that it could work. But I still have alot of fears. Last week we met with our pastors, as well as 1 other pastor I work with. They nailed him on a number of issues & how he's treated me & our M. When asked he said he'd still be w/OW if he hadn't been caught. He did commit to getting together with our pastors on a weekly basis, at least for now.

My dilemma is this - even tho I can stay, he even now says I don't have to quit my job (of course after I told the boss I was applying elsewhere) I still don't know that he's really willing to work at this. I know that he still isn't being totally honest with me. While he's said that he has NC w/OW, he didn't tell me that she dumped him (he'd told a neighbor/friend & they told me. They also told me that he had had online relationships in the past.) He's also always been a "looker", checking out other women (one of the issues the pastors nailed). He talks about how even tho he's not happy in M, it'll make too many other people unhappy if I move out. He seems to be feeling very much the martyr. I don't know when OW dumped him, this could still be part of the fog. There is a part of me thinking of moving out - doing a plan B - anyway. If I moved out he would definitely have to make an effort to see me & work on anything. I just don't know that he will. The other factor is that our last child will be graduating in just a few months. He's been great in all this, but you know that things are effecting him as he's trying to figure out what to do with his life. I have applied for other jobs & have a strong possibility for a better paying one in a field I'd enjoy.

At this point do I stay or go? I recognize that only I can really decide that but can anyone give insights as to what I can expect at this point of the journey we're on. There's a part of me full of hope & I don't want to quit, particularly if there's a possibility that if I'd only hung in there a few more weeks the corner would have been turned & he's finally on fire to change. (Yes I like la-la land) At what point do you say enough, it's time to move on?

I suggest that you do a rock solid Plan A, with no LB's for about 3 months. I'm very hopeful about your marriage.

BSM,

I would recommend seeking the new job and just sitting there and seeing what happens. YOu know enough to not LB, and you know enough that he has to make a decision. I would recommend plan A for now, setting boundaries, meeting needs as you can, BUT still looking for a new job that allows you the option of staying or going.

You two have spent a long time apart from each other in this marriage, and apparently you share no recreational interests. I would see if there is something you two can do together.

I am sure others will post and offer you more advice.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks believer & JL. Like I said I have already started the job search, just not going to settle for just anything anymore. Hope to find something I enjoy equally as well. My boss has been pushing the pencil around & is trying to see if she can offer me a raise w/more money.

I've been working hard to avoid LBs. The interesting thing to me is that when I feel I've missed it (the "flip outs") he actually responds & makes an effort with me.

As far as recreational interests go, I had planned to get my motorcycle license last summer, but the classes ended before I could get into them. Depending on how finances go I want to take them this spring. The thing is when I brought it up last summer H thought he should be helping me get it so we could spend more time together. He even bought me a small bike of my own. Something to look forward to.

There are some TV shows we enjoy together & the other night he even initiated a cribbage game w/me. On our trip in Oct we talked about things we could do, date type stuff. Nothing came of it at the time, but now who knows...

At what point is WH a FWH? When contact ends? When he starts actively making moves towards recovery? As the OW isn't allowing him contact does that make him FWH? Just asking

If the OW isn't allowing contact, that will end the affair. He will still be a WH until he goes through withdrawal.