My H and I just had a crazy weekend and he has brought up several different things I've done that he feels are manipulative. I really don't understand what he's talking about and have racked my brain trying to figure it out. He's given me tonight to think about all this, because he says he just wants a normal wife without all this drama. (with him moving out if I can't figure out what the h*ll he's talking about!) First of all, he works nights and so we have a thick blanket up on the window so he can sleep during the day. (even though he many times sleeps on the couch in the family room where it's much brighter) Well, on Friday night, he had the night off, but still slept on the couch. He's still asleep there around noon. Our bedroom doesn't get cleaned very often due to one of us is usually asleep there. So I thought it was a good opportunity to deep clean. I took the blanket down, opened the windows to air out the room, dusted, vacuumed, changed the sheets etc. Well, he gets up an hour later and is mad that I took the blanket down. I said that I would put it back up before tomorrrow morning. But he was still mad, saying he's tired of all my ulterior motives. So instead of waiting 1/2 an hour for me to get ready for a softball game, he leaves without me. We were supposed to meet some friends there, and I felt bad about not showing up but couldn't find their cell number. So I called my H's cell and asked to talk to the wife, and then proceeded to apologize for not making it to their daughter's softball game. I was a little tearful and she asked if I was ok, in his earshot of course. So he gets home, and accuses me of telling her all our problems. And then he's mad that I called his phone instead of her's, and when I said I didn't remember her number, he said that he told me he put it on the fridge. (which I don't remember) but either way, I asked, why possible motive could I have for calling your phone instead of hers and lying about not knowing her #?? It really wasn't to check up on him because I knew he had arranged for us to meet them there. He keeps saying I do all these things with little ulterior motives to try and manipulate him and I really don't know WHAT he's talking about!!! I feel as if I'm turning myself inside out here! I'm asking for your input because you seem to be able to see things in myself that I don't see.. do you have any idea what he's talking about???

I'm sorry for butting in here, but if it's ok, I'd like to ask;

What exactly is it that you are supposedly trying to manipulate him into doing?

'Cause based on what I read above, it looks more like it is he that is manipulating you....

Manipulating you into a position where you feel like a bad guy when in actual fact, it's his behaviour that is unacceptable...

Is there a larger issue driving his aggressive behaviour? I'm always a big proponent of a good heart to heart conversation. One where you both sit down with an honest desire to hear the other and make life better for both of you... How do you suppose he might respond if you asked him to put some time aside for something like this?

Again, sorry for butting in on a thread that was addressed to someone else... This is the first post I've read of yours so please forgive me if in my ignorance, I've offended you.

Ok then...

John

This is classic 'crazy making' behavior and is nothing less than abusive. Don't tolerate it. He is trying to get you question yourself so that you no longer trust your own judgement, actions and motives...and therefore won't question his.

It is definitely something I would bring up in your next counseling session and make him be very specific in what exactly he thinks you were trying to manipulate. By making him explain his thinking to a third party exposes how manipulative this kind of things is and makes it plain to him that you are aware of what he is doing and that you are not falling for it.

That's ok if you guys "butt in". I need all the advice and support I can get! I feel as if this conversation is making me crazy. I can't understand what he's talking about and I'm so confused as to what he's even asking me to stop or change or understand!

I would like to have a heart to heart. I've asked him what exactly he would like to see me change or improve on and he says he just wants me to be "normal". I ask what he means by that and he just says he's sick of talking about all our problems. (yet he is the one who asked what went on in my counseling appt today or I wouldn't have mentioned it) The counselor said we should try and isolate 1 or 2 specific things to focus on working on, with a time frame, instead of trying to fix the whole mess all at once. I said I would like to see 2 improvements in the next 6 months in our marriage. 1) sexual intimacy at least once or twice a month and 2) him taking me at face value, trusting that if I want to tell him something, I will tell him, no hidden meanings or ulterior motives. (cause there's lots of things like if I sigh, he'll ask what's wrong and I'll say nothing I'm just tired, and he come back with, I hate it when you do that! Like you want me to fish for what's bothering you, well, I'm not gonna fall for it. (when I really truly was just tired, if it was something else, I will usually tell him before he ever asks!) That's what set him off with the comments about the blanket, the phone and several other things, that he said I had some hidden meaning or ulterior motive for.

I'm hoping he will come to our next counseling appt, to maybe explain exactly what it is he thinks I'm trying to accomplish with all this!! The counselor did say today that a lot of his behavior is mentally and emotionally abusive, but where does that leave me? What do I do, or better yet, what can I do about it?

I had just asked Loving anyways advice specifically because she is good at sometimes seeing things about myself that I don't see. I would still like your opinion and insight La...

sutherlandgirl,

I didn't even notice that you had addressed your post to someone specific!

Anyways, as you might have guessed, this is a real issue with me. My best suggestion to you is a couple of books...The Verbally Abusive Relatioship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He do That? by Lundy Bancroft. When I read those two books, I swear it was like the authors had been living in my house for 18 years. THey were such eye openers and it felt so good to have someone actually understand what I had been living. It was really hard to explain to people because it always sounded kind of benign and like I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I read your post, it just sounded so much like me, wondering what the he$$ was going on and was I crazy. Look them up on amazon. They both have very informative reviews that will give you alot of information by themselves, without even reading the books.

I've heard of these books on other sites and was actually going to the library to look for them today, but then realized that due to the holiday, the library was closed. But the counselor did tell me today that he thought this was all very mentally and verbally abusive. Thank you guys for everything.