It's been a really rough 24 hours here. WW and I have been talking about the possibility of recovery and dropping the divorce. Whenever I bring up the fact that we cannot talk about "us" as long as she hasn't agreed to NC and OM is involved she gets pretty offensive and shuts down.

To make matters worse, I was snooping and found some notes from a meeting she had with her attorney yesterday where she wants to change the visitation arrangement we agreed to in a mediation session a month ago. I also found that she is pricing airfares to CA (where OM lives).

I confronted her and she went on the offense screaming about her privacy and such. Well, she calmed down and we talked a bit more about what it is she is looking for in life and why she keeps looking at going to CA when I've told her that I would take that as her decision to move forward with the divorce. She didn't have a good explanation other than she was just looking.

Well, I was up most of the night thinking about the visitation schedule and decided that I'd give her a call to discuss it. She again went on the offense screaming and carrying on that she couldn't get a word in edgewise and I wasn't listening. She actually hung up on me 7-8 times and whenever I called back she claimed I was harrassing her.

Well, I can assure you, I was calm and collected, I simple asked her why she wanted to change the arragement. Without going into details, I told her I cannot live like this anymore, know knowing if she is going to move forward with the divorce at every turn and her hostility towards me whenever we discuss ANY aspect of the divorce.

I told her that it's been her choice all along and she must live with it. I reiterated that I was OK with going through with the divorce and thought it was best for me to move on with my life as a single Dad with my kids. I'm just hoping she can stay civil throughout this although when I asked her if she could remain civil, she said "maybe". Not encourging at all.

I pray for her, for my kids that they will make it through this. Please pray for my family.......

I will pray for you and your family. I don't know you but have read several of your posts. I think you are doing the right thing by deciding for yourself that you cannot live like this any longer. Hanging in limbo with those papers hanging over your head. My STBX did the same to me. He filed, I answered, had mediation scheduled in Feb of last year. At the mediation he decided he wanted to reconcile with the stipulation of a few things including resumeing MC which I agreed to. He refused to go to MC, started lying about everyt little thing and never signed the papers for reconciliation. So were back to square one. Will have mediation again next month.

I hope she is civil with you through this process. I want to, I'm not sure if my STBX will or not. I just want to be fair. I don't know why your W would not want to be civil towards you, she is the one making the decision not to work on your M not you. I don't understand this.

I pray for you and your boys, and her too.Stay strong.

Thank you. I cannot understand why she gets so offensive whenever we discuss the visitation it gets downright brutal with her cussing at every turn and screaming about how I don't listen or let her get a word in edgewise. I've only been asking for her reasons for changing the schedule she typically goes on about anything and everything not related to the issue at hand.

She keeps telling me how her life is a living ******. I can only agree and tell her that it's her choice......

spud,

Do you want to move forward with the divorce? Or are you still hoping to reconcile? If divorce is your aim....then keep talking about divorce. If it isn't....talk about something else. I know this affair has been going on for a long time...but you haven't been here long. I sure would like to see you do an excellent Plan A before throwing in the towel. Calling your wife 8 times in a row is not a good strategy.

Starfish,

I realize that I'm not doing a very good job of a Plan A. I'm not really sure what it is I want. I am OK with the D but I would like to work things out but I (we) don't even know where to begin if we want to try and work things out. This was one of the things I brought up last night when we were talking. She has her issues and I have my (typical) BS issues and I'm not really sure where to start.

Fear, anxiety and doubt are my demons here, I thought I had a handle on them but I guess I don't.

So why not spend your eight calls talking about what recovery would look like? I just don't get the feeling you're ready to give up on this yet. See if she'll talk to Steve or Jennifer.....those are the kinds of mediators that facilitate reconciliation....the other kind....only facilitates divorce. Even one call might make a huge difference. I think you should call for yourself too.

Starfish,

I really don't want to quit. I just don't know where to go from here. I would love it if WW would talk to the Harley's but I don't think she would be up for it. She did start individual counseling though. Last night, I asked her if she would mind if I started seeing her connselor and she said OK. I would hope that going to the same counselor would give us both the same point of view so we could be on the same page either way we wind up going. Thanks again for the support, I am a wreck today....

I agree. It doesn't sound at all like you want a D. What does she want? Try to get her into MC. Don't give up on her or yourself yet.

Itsoon,

She has no clue what it is she wants. I keep getting mixed signals from her hence my reactions to the situation. If I could get a handle on the anxiety, I would be able to cope.

Okay....well why not send a CLEAR signal...and see if you get a clear one back. A clear signal would sound something like this: I'm NOT okay with a divorce, even though I've said so. I'm hurt, but I still love you. I BELIEVE that we can still save our family. I would like to try a different kind of mediation before taking this to court. There is someone I'd like you to talk to just once before you make a final decision.....will you do this one last thing for us? Then give her the contact info for the Harleys or if she'd like you to....schedule an appt. for her.

Starfish,

I just got off the phone with WW. I sent the clear signal (hadn't read your post until after I called her) and told her that I do not want to persue a divorce and that I know in my heart it's is the right thing to do. She indicated that it was OK with not proceeding with the D. I also said that I didn't think it was wise to make decisions when angry or frustrated which is exactly where we were this morning. I did apologize to her for allowing FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) to govern my reactions which is the way this all started.

I'm not really sure if or how I would get her to talk to the Harley's unless I was able to nail down an exact date/time that fit into her schedule and only then, would she consider.

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. I am sitting here shaking uncontrollably.....I hope I can get through this....

Do you really think she is planning on moving to California? This all seems like one big fantasy to me.

Believer,

She is NOT moving to CA. She can go by herself if she wishes but she would need a court order to remove the kids from the state. She has been doing anything and everything she can to get OM to move back to IL. His entire family is here including his kids from two previous marriages.

This guy is a player through and through. It's all about sexual tension and fantasy. I am anxiously waiting to see what she will do when I take the kids on a mini vacation over spring break. She's been looking at airfares to CA to go visit OM. I've told her that if she goes, I would take that as her decision for the direction in her life and the D would proceed. I'm having second thoughts on that one but I don't want to become a doormat either.

b:

have YOU talked 2 either Steve or Jennifer?

You need 2 have a session yourself with one of them before inviting your W 2 talk 2 them. Let them give you suggestions about how 2 involve your W.

-ol' 2long

Disclaimer - I have not read your entire history. Just your first thread.

Have you been executing a decent Plan A? Since this mess has been going on since June '05 is it time to Plan B?

Ditch the D talk entirely. Since she is still in contact with OM go to Plan B. And do it by the book. Your situation is what Plan B is for.

With prayers,

PS: And follow 2long's advice. Call the experts. You get what you pay for around here, just like everywhere else.

Aphelion,

Plan B would be difficult as we both must remain in the same house due to financial constraints. The D talk came up only because she had a meeting with her attorney and I found the notes on what they discussed which sent me into a tailspin. I have been trying my best to Plan A for the last month or so as she was in such a fog she didn't have ANYTHING on her mond but the OM.

It's interesting, up until the second week of Jan 06, it was a purely EA since they had never physically met. They met and spent a week together (she ditched work and went out after the kids were in bed) and now, she is faced woth the reality and is not sure what she wants. I'm hoping that this thing will die and soon!! I may gove the Harley's a call to get some perspective on things.

She's been attending IC for a couple of weeks, I asked her last night if she would mind seeing the same Therapist and she said OK, I have an appointment this Friday to see him so perhaps MC will help. She is really lost at this point.....

I've read here that in-house Plan B's are difficult but possible. I admit, though, that I did not have to in-house B since FWW moved out during that time.

The Harley’s will advise you appropriate to your sitch.

Remember, Plan A is as much about improving yourself as meeting her ENs. In fact, if she is still in contact with OM she will NOT let you meet her ENs. You cannot meet them. But, she will notice just the same you are changing and she will connect the dots to her ENs, on occasion at least.

A potential problem with Plan A is doing it for too long. Dr Harley advised, what, 6 months max for BH in SAA I think, but he has shortened that in recent years. I believe 3 months is generally recommended for the typical BH now. It was for me. It’s been a while now since I used MB coaching and my memory is suspect. But the issue is taking it out too long and irreversibly training a fence-sitting cake eater. Short answer: don’t.

With prayers,

Added: "The D talk came up only because she had a meeting with her attorney and I found the notes on what they discussed which sent me into a tailspin."

Don't feel too unusual. Exact same happened with me.

Aphelion,

I've been working on myself since this thing started. I was going to IC and it helped me understand a few things about myself. I work out a TON and am in the best physical shape of my life. I also have as much fun with my kids as possible. I've heard tale of a 180 plan that is suited to my situation. I will read up on it and see what I need to do.

I also completely understand the cake eater thing. I will say that WW's contact with OM is 95% less than it was a month ago. Just about the time she voiced her concern that she doesn't have a clue as to what it is she wants. So, the way I look at it, the less they are in contact the more time she spends with her family which has been occurring. That must be worth something. Although I suspect that if she were to suddenly decide to run back (in full force) to the OM, we would be right back to where we started.

I can only pray that she finds what it is she is looking for sooner than later. I'm hoping she will choose her family over the D or the OM. I've told her before, I'm really glad I'm not in her shoes as she is facing the single most important decision of her life that will affect many people. I can tell you that she really despises being in that situation but I remind her that the A was her choice and she has to live with it......

"I can tell you that she really despises being in that situation but I remind her that the A was her choice and she has to live with it..."

Yeah. "Poor Me" is tattooed on almost every WS forehead.

Well, the last couple of days have been exceptionally rough. Night before last I was having a panic attack and left the house around 6:45pm and went to my church. I told her I was going to the store and would be back. I spent about 2 hours in church crying and praying. When I got home, I went into my daughters bedroom where she sleeps and said goodnight. She seemed a bit angry and I told her I was at church. She responded "whatever".

Last night I was feeling pretty anxious so, I decided I would go to church again. It was about 9pm. I told WW I was going to church and she gave me a funny look and said "but, it's 9pm" I said "yes, I know" and left. I was there for a little over an hour. When I arrived home, I saw there was a light on in my daughters bedroom and heard WW talking. I opened the door and saw she was on the phone.

I could tell she was on the phone with the OM and I asked her "is it him?" she just continued talking and eventually got up and left the room. I laid in bed with my daughter (she was asleep to the best of my knowledge).

She returned 10 minutes later and said "OK, you can go now" I then said to her, "That was disrespectful" referring to talking to OM while in the presence of our daughter. I went on and said "you are hurting us, the kids and our family" "you are setting a fine example for our children" I also said "this is all wrong and must stop" referring to the A.

She only responded to my comment about setting an example which she replied "well, I hope you asked for forgiveness for lying about where you were last night" she was referring to the fact that I said I was going to the store when in actuality, I went to church. I didn't respond to her since I knew it was classic fogbabble.

Anyway, when I was speaking to her she had this look on her face. Hard to describe but it wasn't anger, she looked a bit puzzled as I'm guessing she didn't actually process a word I was saying.

After thinking about the exchange a bit more, I think I was being judgemental which is not a good thing. So, how should I confront her when she is on the phone with OM? What can I say without judging? I know I need to establish boundries but what can I do if she is simple talking on the phone with OM? I've told her before I didn't think it was a good thing for her to talk to him while in the presence of the kids but, she simply doesn't care.

What can I do?? I'm running out of steam here. I'm not really sure how long I can continue......