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My daughter has completely cut of contact with my hubby. She refuses his phone calls. refuses to see him and won't even mention him. He was always a good father and they have been close since she was born. But she isn't a baby any more. She's 15 1/2 and is well aware, with no info from me, of what is going on. She sees how he has changed and last night she told me that he just isn't a good Dad any more.
He swears he is going to force her to see him by going to court if he has to. I don't know, legally, if he can because of her age and of course my attorney is away skiing until tomorrow. Does anyone know if she can be forced to see and speak to him? I just get more lost in this mess every day.
I am so lost
Because life is as brief as it is, let us not waste precious time destroying one another, but rather nourish the strength and encourage the weakness of each other with hope
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I would think at her age that the courts would take her wishes into consideration. It could get messy and very damaging if your WH wishes to engage in a legal battle right now.
I would hope that your WH would take a step back and think a little. But also, I would hope that your DD would leave her heart open to her dad in the future.
((Iamsolost))
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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Thanks Jean. I am in no way encouraging her cutting him off. She is very angry with him and hurt that he left. I've told her, repeatedly. that it was me he left and not her but she can see the truth of what's happening. I also hope that they can have the relationship that they once shared but I don't believe it's something he should force on her. What a mess he has made of what used to be a happy family.
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My children have also decided to go to plan b with my WH. They are old enough to make their own decisions and I know that WH is hurting but he continues to live with OW.
I guess we have to let our children make their own minds up about their relationships with their dad and try to not get involved.
ME(BS)-45
HIM(WH)-48
5 grown up children, 2 granchildren due August 06
OW-35, 2 children 8yrs and 6yrs
D- Day 28 october 2005, WH left, lived with OW 2 weeks before moving into apartment-affair continued they have lived together since january 2nd.
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***I've told her, repeatedly. that it was me he left and not her but she can see the truth of what's happening.***
Of course she can. And please do not tell her things like "he left me, not you." The truth is that your WH left the *family.* Is your daughter not part of the family? You are utterly disregarding and invalidating her feelings when you say things like this - not to mention protecting the WH.
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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miffy, sorry you're going through this too. I know it's their choice but it's hard to watch.
Mulan, I see your point but it's not him I'm trying to protect, it's my daughter. She hasn't had the best year and this just topped it off. I'm not trying to dismiss her feelings. I just can't bear seeing her hurt this way.
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My daughter has completely cut of contact with my hubby. Good! Excellent! Can you say "consequences"? Clarification: I am NOT endorsing that bad juju between WSs and their children should be cultivated or even celebrated. Rather, strained or worse relationships with children resulting from an affair can be a motivator for ending an affair - with hopes that improved parent/child relationships can ultimately result. Recommend you stay neutral with your daughter. Answer questions honestly, but do not pile on. Reminds me of that universal advice to divorced parents: "Never badmouth your X to your kids. It ruins the moment when they figure it out on their own." WAT
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Thanks for the support WAT. I NEVER tell her bad things about him, only the truth and sometimes not even all of that. I know he's now feeling the consequences of his choices and I can hear the pain in his voice but I can also see the pain in her eyes and that's the bad part.
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Your daughter is trying to protect herself from her destructive father. She sounds like a smart, decent girl who has some balls and knows right from wrong.
It's a crying shame that her father put her in this position in the first place. Agree with WAT, don't bad mouth your H, but certainly don't begrudge your D her stand. And don't pretend like he isn't doing a bad thing. She has every right to be angry and hurt as he11: HER FATHER HAS LEFT HER!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks Melody. That's really how I feel and I was surprised she was angry sooner than this, but I said nothing. It seems that no one in the "real world" sees it that way and they all think I'm influencing her. I'm not and I won't.
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You know what you could do, equip your daughter with some information about the situation. Give her the ability to argue her position with some supporting facts. There are alot of examples of the statistics of the damage kids suffer when a home splits. If she has clearly defined her position of not wanting to be with her dad while he is in the affair, then so be it.
Get some literature that shows how bad a divorce is on a child. Help her argue her side of the show. I'm proud of your daughter.
-hang in there
9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Please be very careful with Rookkev's advice. Before doing anything like this, get the advice of a child psychologist. It might be healthy for the child to seek information like this on her own, but feeding it to her sounds too much like recruitment and manipulation to me. No different than bad mouthing her Dad?
As always - just my opinion.
WAT
--------------
Humans have amazing abilities to deny logic and reason when they contradict our feelings and beliefs.
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RookKev, thanks for the input but I think that's a dangerous game. I don't feel kids, of any age, should be burdened with all the info. She has her own thoughts on things and I feel it's best that she discover any further facts on her own. Thanks any way.
WAT, I am in agreement with you. It feels wrong to me to dump everything on her. I believe it would only hurt her more than she's already hurting. Thanks.
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Mulan is right; your WH HAS left the family. Mel is also right; her father has left her.
About forced visitation, I don't really know what the law would be where you live. Usually once children reach a certain age the judges allow them some input into the decisions about where they will live and whether they will see a parent. Usually.
I am glad to read that your D has enough self-respect to stand up for herself. And enough smarts to "get" what her father is actually doing: abandoning her, his family, foresaking his marriage vows.
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Thanks Bellvue. I'm also glad that my daughter figured this out on her own. She's trying to be so brave and tough. I hate what this is doing to her.
Now my other daughter, 22, thinks I am crazy and that he just left cause he wasn't happy and oh life goes on. She's currently planning her marriage and I fear what she is learning from this.
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Your older daughter is planning her marriage or her wedding? Cynically, she may not want to alienate the father who is supposed to walk her down the aisle. How disappointing, and what a bad sign for the success of her marriage.
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she's planning the wedding that will result in her marriage.
he's her step father but he raised her and never calles him that. they have become thick as thieves. they were never close before he left.
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My daughter hasn't spoken to hubby in a week and hasn't seen him in almost 2 weeks. She is still refusing and he wants me to force her. I have made an appointment for counseling for her but he isn't willing to wait. He says he is going to show up here today and force her to talk to him. I don't know what I should do. She is freaked out.
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Call the police, Lost. If he physically tries to force her to do something like go with him, it's domestic violence for Pete's sake. DO SOMETHING!
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Thanks longhorn. If he had showed, and tried to force anything, I was prepared to call the police. As it was, I managed to convince him that it was in her best interests not to be forced into it. He cried again and I ALMOST felt bad. I make myself remember that he is the one who chose to hurt her and so he is suffering the consequences of his chosen actions.
She is still freezing him out but she does talk with me about how she's feeling. It makes me sad that she's hurting this way and no matter what he believes, she sees it as an abandonment of her also. He has to face that.
On the other hand, I'm wondering if I really want him back. I wonder if she and I could ever forget all the pain that he has put us through. Maybe that's best for a new discussion.
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