I have posted here a couple of times and find you all to be very helpful.

I am falling apart. It has been 7 months since DD. But 4 1/2 years since my FWH had a two night stand. He never loved or even liked the woman. He used her and the sex as a way to get our of our marriage. He wanted to leave me. He was so unhappy and I guess I didn't care or realize it. I am learning through IC that I was really self absorb at the time. I am a different woman now, and not so immature as I was. He has never had contact with this OW again.

What my problem is is my ability to forgive and move on. I know so many BS out there would love to be where I am. My FWH is doing EVERYTHING to make it better. He is giving me everything I need. He really is being wonderful and taking full responsibility for what he has done and is so remorseful.

I just can't get past the fact that the person I love so much and trusted more then anything could do this to me. I can't get the horrible images of him having sex with another woman out of my head. Last night I was feeling so angry and he told me to talk with him about it. And as soon as I tell him how I feel (I know that I shouldn't say all that I really feel- because it is hurtful and pushes him away) he gets hurt and says that I am going to have to make a decision to get over this or not. And that he doesn't want to see me go to that dark horrible place that I do because he knows that is not who I am. Should I not tell him how I really feel? I know I shouldn't be feeling or thinking about those things. I just don't want to keep pushing him away when he is making every effort to make things better. I just wonder if you can ever really make it better.

One night after I went into one of my crazy moods he made me sit down and tell him every thing I needed from him. I told him about 9 things. He wrote them down and then said he could give all of those things to me but that he needed one thing from me and that was it. That I can't keep going back and asking him to rehash every detail of the affair. He gave me an open forum to ask him any and everything that I wanted to about it and he would answer it honestly and then we would not go there again. He said it is okay for me to be hurt and feel all of those things and we can work through them but that it is not good for me or him to keep revisiting these details over and over again. I know he is right. He is keeping his end of the deal (giving me all those 9 things that I need) but I am having a hard time with mine.

He keeps telling me at some point I am going to have to make that leap of faith. And he knows that he has created a deep and large canyon between us, but that he has and is doing everything to close that gap, but I will still have to jump at some point.

How do I do it? How do I trust again? How do I get this woman out of our lives? How do I let go and believe my husband for the man he is now and not keep looking at him as the mistake he made? How do I stop thinking about the details of him being with another woman?

Please help me. I know that I am pushing my kind hearted and remorseful husband away because I want to be in control of my pain and not let him hurt me again.

HELP!

You are going through the NORMAL stages of grief. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what is happening to you. This is HOW a person recovers. They go through anger, hurt, self doubt, etc. They OBSESS over the details of the crime in order to come to terms with it. That is HOW a person recovers from a traumatic shock.

You are SUPPOSED to be feeling all of these things. You are not supposed to trust him after he cheated on you and lied to you for 4 years. That is untrustworthy behavior and you would be insane to trust an untrustworthy person.

He has made the first step in rebuilding trust by telling you the truth. But trust will not come back over night. It has to be EARNED. And it is EARNED by demonstrating trustworthy behavior over a long period of time.

So, please just relax and explain to your H that you are going through a VERY NORMAL recovery and that he just needs to be patient. Your recovery won't come overnight. And if you are willing to stay with him, then he needs to do what it takes to help you recover.

I will tell you that the 8 month mark seems to be a tough time for many. It is when the relief wears off and FURY sets in. But after that phase, it seems to get easier and easier until it completely goes away.

So, hang in there and don't get discouraged! You are going through a routine recovery and there is nothing here to be alarmed about.

Is there hope

First, welcome to MB. I know the very pain you are going through. It is painful.

Mel is right. All of what you are experiancing is very normal. Listen to her. She knows what she is talking about. She and many other very strong MB supporters have walked me through some of my darkest times. My sitch is far from over, but at least I do see some light know.

Hang in there.

WOL

The sad thing is that now, YOU are the one keeping that woman in your lives. You are giving her way too much power.

Recovery takes time. Have you done any posting on the recover forum?

is_there_hope:

Have you gotten into marriage counseling yet? While I think the IC is good, it doesn't see as if you have a plan for recovery; and although your husband seems to be following a fairly ideal plan, if you're not on board and working through this as well---you're going to delay recovery. Time by itself will not heal---you need to take an active role in this as well.

Find a good counselor who will support the two of you as you work through this. You'll see an increase in your progress.