Hello all! I`ve just discovered this forum and I`m glad I did.

I`m single mum to a toddler and got pregnant in a one night stand. Thanks God ds`s dad kept in touch and once he was born we`ve kept a good relationship, although he lives abroad. When we fist met he was having a divorce and he has another son with his ex-wife (I didn`t know about it!). I never intended to marry him since he confessed me that he had another son and always encouraged him to get together again with his former wife.
The thing is that as we`ve been in touch for such a long time we`ve became closer. He`s such a loving father for both his kids and makes all his efforts to heal his absence. We`ve gradually become closer and he`s told me he`s not getting back with his wife for a plenty of reasons I understand. So I stopped pushing him to marry her again (I used to feel guilty I ruined their marriage, but now I understand that anyway they wouldn`t be together now).
After that, as we`ve kept in touch with a great relationship we fell in love ;-) and I feel I want to marry him and live the rest of my life with him. Not only for my son but also for myself. The thing is we`ve not spent time together (he lives abroad) and it complicated to decide HOW, WHERE and WHEN to marry. We`d love to spend some time together so we can actually talk to eachother irl, but it all seems to be a problem of visa, money, distance...I really feel I want to marry that man, but am afraid he could be mixing his feelings with his love for ds. It seems that the easier way is to decide to marry before we move to his place, so I`m willing to know how to make a good decision in this situation. I`m sure of my love and commitment for a live long marry and really feel that he is as well. The other option is to move to his place for a couple of months and then decide whether we want to marry. We`ve stated that in any case we won`t have sex if we`re not married, but living in the same apartment with my boyfriend wouldn`t be just so confusing anyway?

I`d appreciate any input regarding my situation

many thanks!

I think that living with the person you intend on marrying before you actually get married is always a good idea -- its then that you will find out if you can handle all the little things (such as leaving that toilet seat up). Get engaged and set the date for later in the year & move in which each other. That way you still have made a commitment to be with each other but still have the chance to back out if things go terrbily wrong. As for sex, as long as you keep reminding yourself that you are doing it for the right reasons then you should be able to hold off (or set boundaries - such as only oral sex). Good luck!

I'm going to go against my standard advice and tell you that you should cohabitate (live together) before getting married. I say this based upon the amount of face-time you've had with him. A decision like marriage needs a bit more in terms of together time to decide if he truly is the partner for you.


This is your personal choice to make. I am going to advise you, though, that if you don't have sex prior to marriage, at least have some very serious and in-depth discussions about it. Sexual attitudes, preferences, etc. It isn't a good thing to find out after the marriage that he cannot get an erection unless you dance on the coffee table in spurs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />