I thought I was in recovery, and have been diligently working plan A for a year now. On 2/13 WH breaks down and says it just isn't working and he wants to move out. On 2/17 after a rather tearful conversation, we say goodbye but he forgets to really hang up his cell phone. I heard 30 minutes of him and other woman laughing at how stupid and gullible I am, what a joke etc etc etc.

I just came back from my attorneys, and even though TX is a community property state, because we live in a house he inherited I should not expect any kind of settlement. WH is self employed, and has not contributed to the household income in 14 years. He pays his business expenses only. I have signed a home improvement note for 35K and put 15K in cash into a home I don't have any rights to.

In one weekend, I lost my husband, my home, and what feels like my future. I am numb, and just want to crawl into a corner somewhere, curl up and die. I had no idea he really felt that way about me, but it was the first "sound" of honesty out of him since before D-day.

Can you share any advice on how best to get through this?

Hi there,
I'm so sorry that you had to hear that conversation. I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling. Although I can relate to feeling numb and wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out. Fortunately I have gotten past that at this point. My husband and I have been separated since 1/16/06.

There are a ton of great people on here and I am sure you will have lots of support. I wish I knew what advice to give you as far as a settlement. I can't believe you aren't entitled to anything - that is crazy.

Did your WH say he is filing for the divorce?

Don't believe he has even taken time out yet to get advice - or at least legal advice - I'm sure she's giving him plenty. His business is not doing well(???) and he can not afford to keep the house. He has stated he will put it up for sale, but I am not sure that I can count on him to really follow through with this. His OW has a drug record, and he is an addict as well. He has been clean for 10 years now, but has not changed the basic behavior and has always been very selfish.

I hate the very thought of being at his mercy in this, and having to pretend that I am okay with just throwing 16 years out the door.

You do no have to pretend you are ok. You can come on here and vent, cry, whine and whatever else you want to do.

Are you sure you are not entitled to anything? That sounds very strange to me.

And, find a local separated/divorced support group to help you through this time.

You may not be out the house. You may be able to get 1/2 of the appreciation in the house, particularly if you helped contribution toward household expenses and improvements.

According to the attorney, since his house was inherited, he can claim that A) there was no marriage and that all the money I put in should be considered as rent - so I would gain nothing and have no leverage to make him sell the house.

If a marriage can be proven (he began referring to me in all business matters as his wife in 1993) then all I am entitled to is half of what can be proven as appreciated value in the last 5 years - which again would be not much, and would not force a sale.

The last seven years were a labor of love in this house - built 1932, never remodeled. Once I paid for the new roof and new beams underneath, I have gone room by room bringing it back to life because it was his childhood home. All new sheetrock, refinished the original hardwood floors (had to remove and relay to make the house stable) etc etc. It took 4 days of working on my hands and knees to get the linoleum off the kitchen floors. I paid for the landscaping in the back and put in the fish pond and our swing myself. It would cost me everything I can scrape together to have an attorney sue for recovery of my investment in a divorce and then it would still be up to the court. Not a very strong position. My WH has an ego and I know that he has never told anyone the real facts about our finances - and he will never be able to admit to anyone what is fair. He will try and save face at all costs - so it could be too expensive to pursue. I just found out that there are liens for unpaid taxes as well clouding the issue. He can not keep the home and save it from foreclosure, and he would never allow any one to think he was weak by letting me stay and keep on paying for it.

I know it is just a house, and it is only money, but somehow it is becoming a symbol for what I can't have - him - and I am trying to understand how he can just decide something on his own that just rocks my world and I not be able to do anything about it but move on graciously. I do not want to be gracious. I want to cry.

Go ahead and cry,cry,cry you have every right. You have just found out your world as you know it is dead, and you need to cry. If you can do it graciousley then more power to you I couldnt. I was just told how mean and nasty I was through out all of this and what a monster I am. Well he and his little tramp just took my life and my heart and crushed it. He will never understand that I was screaming for my life, our life. I love him and ..... still in lots of pain and I still go by the house just so I can breath. I want to go home..... See I lost my home, the love of my life, sorry I cant do this but will be praying for you, and if you need to cry then cry I still am. Divorced 1-5-06

I know what you mean about the blame game. For 16 years I have acted like a wife - supported his dreams, considered his feelings in every decision made, and yet somehow he is angry at me - he claims I am trying to ruin his life when he was the one who lied, cheated, and then just walked away like the 16 years together never happened. All of our friends are coming to me for explanations and with advise and I have no answers for them. I don't believe I will ever be able to look at him again, let alone talk to him, because he will never accept the responsibility for what he has done.

I'm very confused! Are you or are you not married to each other??? If married, for how long?

Unless written in as a pre-nuptial agreement, in MI when you marry it's considered common property. It doesn't matter where it came from or who owned it before the marriage. If you were to get half of the appreciated value, it might force a sale or arrangement with your H. If that half is coming to you, and he retains ownership of the home, he can try and "buy" your part out, or put the house up for sale and give you the amount of your equity. I realize this doesn't save your beloved house, but he can't just not pay your equity if it's ordered.



What are the real facts about your finances?

If your H. can't keep the home, and it goes in for foreclosure, be the first in line to make an offer for it with whomever is foreclosing. He just might change his mind about what would look worse on his behalf!

We have been common law married for 16 years. Dating for 3 before that. I had small children when we met, he was just divorced and had child support and bankruptcy issues. 2 years after we had been dating, I found out he had been hiding a drug problem as well. When he completed rehab and moved in, there just never seemed to be a good time for a legal ceremony. We have had the wedding planned for years now, and it was to be a celebration of how hard we had worked on our relationship to make is successful. What a joke huh?

Common law marriages are not as easy as everyone thinks I guess - according to the attorney, I need to prove not only did I believe and act as if I was his legal wife, but that he considered me to be as well. We did not file joint returns due to his business and legal issues, but I have several documents which go back to 1995 showing he accepted that I used his name and that he referred to me as his wife. If the court accepts as proof, then I can claim half the equity increase.

currently he is not working very much, maybe an hour or so a day, he owes 20K in credit cards which have all been turned over to collection agencies. His credit is awful and he can't even get a cell phone in his name. I have been with the same company for 10 years as a manager, and have great credit and could probably finance the house in my own name if he would agree.

Before I get to the point of settling my own affairs, I am gonna have to get past worrying about him. My head knows that I did not put him in this position, but my heart still knows what this failure is doing to him and how much it will hurt him. If not today, then someday. I have no desire for revenge at all but not sure I have the strength to move on yet either.

I don't want the damn house, I want the damn man I knew and the life I thought we were working for.

(((((((((((two blue))))))))) Hugs!



I know that feeling! My exWS was an alcoholic and addict. I thought he was in Recovery when we met. I didn't know any better, not having been exposed to it before. We lived together through about 2 years of his alcoholism, treatment, relapse, etc. Finally he got into Recovery and maintained it. Trust was rebuilt over time by the consistency he showed day in and out. He was honest and above board. He was a delight!

I agreed to marry him after he had 3 years clean and sober in. We married in 1999. I was so pleased as I loved him so dearly. (Everything was in my name due to his bad credit history.) Things started falling apart in 2001. He said he was having a spiritual crisis and just needed space to work it out. He was also struggling with how little he had at his age (46) because of his years of using.

Over the next year or two I thought he had relapsed. All the behaviors were there. Being out at all hours. Stories not matching up. Less money coming in. Not wanting to spend time with me. Thinking I had found out the "truth" only to find myself questioning my sanity when I confronted him! You know, all that crazy making stuff.

After about a year's time I finally confirmed that he was having an affair with a 21 year old "woman" he met at his AA meetings. He was 47. The OW was 7 months pregnant with his child. He said he still loved me, wanted to be with me, etc, but stayed with her.

Everyone talked about what I should do to hurt him, to get even, etc. All I could think was "Nothing I did could ever bring him back, could take the affair away." Bottomline......

It didn't matter how much I cried, swore, hit, fought, kept his possessions, loved him, etc. I was powerless to have the person in my life that I had loved the most, and that I thought had loved me deeply. The person that I had chosen to stick by when things were rough. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make him want to be with me. And, I would have given up any possession to have that loving relationship back....

As it was, I ended up filing bankruptcy because all the credit was in my name...so all the debt ended up with me in the divorce. And yes, I still cared about how all this was going to affect my exWS down the road. As it was, he and the OW ended up having a son born with Down's Syndrome. The OW would have been a poor mother with any child, much less a child that had special needs. To my ex's credit, he has been a wonderful parent to his son.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all this. I know that common law marriage isn't even recognized in some states. That only adds to the crap you're struggling with. It's hard to know which battles to choose, and which to let go of, when your heart is breaking.

Thank you. It seems we have been down very similar roads with the same type of man. It really doesn't matter whether the addict is using or not, the behavior and thought processes keep them locked in the same bad frame of mind. My WH can be a wonderful caring loving person, I have seen that time after time and it is what made me love him in the first place, but I know the other side as well and can not afford to continue to let it destroy me or those closest to me. I sat down and talked to both my DD's this weekend, and I think that they would never forgive me if I tried to keep this marriage alive. They are destroyed by him, as he was more a father to them then their own, but they would rather loose all contact with him than to continue in this misery. I hate to see any human being go to waste, and he will surely end up alone and miserable but still blaming everyone else for his troubles. I only hope someday I can quit feeling in my heart like he is right and begin again to listen to my head.