Hi everyone. I have been lurking a long time, and I have really been impressed by the depth of caring and understanding on this board. I haven’t posted much because I know I need to tell my whole story and I didn’t quite know how to start.

But now I feel I especially need help, so here’s where I am…it’s long… hopefully some will have some insight or can at least commiserate.

WH and I have been together ten years, married for almost five. We were college sweethearts. I am very close to his family and he is very close to mine, and we had almost all mutual friends up until recently. Still, our marriage has been admittedly lackluster the past couple of years, I think mostly because both of us have been in stressful job situations that have broken our spirits. But, I was committed to my M and assumed we were just in a difficult spot and things would get better over time.

DH has always had extreme difficulty expressing his feelings. I am the polar opposite. I have trouble NOT expressing my feelings. I am an analyst at heart; he’d rather coast along not thinking about anything. Somehow we always balanced each other out. We are both approval seekers, and both tend to avoid conflict, especially with each other.

I got pregnant in November of 2004. For the first 4+ months I was very sick with morning sickness, vomiting several times per day. DH did not handle it well, I was a basket case, and our marriage really broke down. No SF (obviously) and neither one of us really talked about how we were feeling.

I got better, but I think by then a lot of damage was done. Now *he* was not interested in SF. His job had gotten increasingly stressful and was sucking the life out of him. He was going out drinking with friends a lot. We had been social drinkers together before, but now I couldn’t go along. Suddenly we had more conflict in our marriage than ever before.

He also had a female coworker he was lunching with more and more often. I knew this woman and knew that her personal life was very messed up. It seemed like negative energy and drama followed her wherever she went. I was extremely jealous but thought I was just being a crazy pregnant lady. I I told DH how I felt, but he insisted they were just friends, etc. He had always been a great husband, really a knight in shining armor kind of guy, so I trusted him implicitly.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, the text messages between them got more frequent, but at that point I could not conceive of them being together romantically. After all, I was 9 months pregnant with DH’s baby, so no way he would cheat on me, right? Riiiight.

Five weeks after DD was born, DH just didn’t come home one night. He came home the next day spouting fog talk. “Don’t know if I want to be married anymore,” etc. I thought, and everyone in our families thought, he was just having a rough adjustment to becoming a dad. I came on MB and several members said it sounded like he was cheating, but I couldn’t believe it. DENIAL! I was so insecure about myself and my body and my new role as a mother, I was sure it was me and he had just stopped loving me as soon as the baby popped out.

To make a long story short, it was four months of ****** until I found out after Christmas he was definitely having an A. I tried Plan A’ing as best I could all during this time, but I had a new baby. I moved into my parents’ house during this time b/c I was getting no support at home and I felt like a better parent when I was out of the horrible situation in my house. I was truly in ****** every minute I was there. Sleep-deprived b/c of the baby, love-deprived, friend-deprived… horrific! Now I regret leaving in some ways, but I truly feel like I did myself and my daughter a great favor by getting out of there and making her my main focus. I snooped and confronted him about 10 different times, but he always denied it and somehow I always believed his lies. Some of them were real whoppers, too. Amazing now that I look back on it, especially since I had been jealous of his friendship with OW for months. By the way, OW knew me, knew our sitch, knew I was pregnant, even “helped” him deal with my pregnancy by sharing her own pregnancy experiences.

I discovered he was definitely having an A the day after X-mas. We talked about reconciliation over New Year’s, but he said he “just couldn’t do it right now” or some crap and called OW immediately upon going home.

Since then I’ve just tried being the lighthouse. Actually I was doing it intuitively, almost without knowing it, because I do truly love him and just want to SHOW him. I wanted him to see how happy I am as a mom, how great the baby is, how much our families love us and the baby… etc. I stopped talking to him about anything personal other than the baby and stopped calling him/talking about our R.

It sort of seems now like he may be coming around just a bit. He broke down a couple of weeks ago and cried on my shoulder (literally), holding me and telling me how very sorry he was. Since then we’ve talked a couple of times and he has said he thinks he “could” do what it takes to put our marriage back together. He’s just not sure he wants to. He *says* he sees how our marriage was at a weak point and that he broke down, that he knows he’s living in fantasyland by having an A, and that he feels stupid and horrible for ever doing it in the first place. Still, he has a hard time understanding how I would ever get over it or how we could piece our marriage back together. He claims his main reason for not wanting to is that he just thinks it’s impossible – he doesn’t think I could ever forgive him. This despite the fact I have told him all about MB and that I know it’s possible.

The real reason? He is still involved with OW. He and OW have been carrying on in our house since New Year’s. Without LBing, I have repeatedly said that I find the fact that they’re using our family home disgusting and disrespectful, but it’s still going on. He says he has pulled away from her over the past couple of weeks so he can figure out what he wants. I am thinking she has a great deal of influence over him right now, however. He admits that he just isn't sure he wants to break it off with the OW.

I am really lost right now. I am starting to doubt whether I want the marriage or not. Before he broke down a few weeks ago, I was really starting to move on with my own life – looking for a job and an apartment. I have many moments where I think it’s best if we just both move on, and then moments where I know our marriage is worth saving.

Just thought I’d put my story out here since I’ll probably have more questions over the next few weeks, especially if we truly do start moving toward recovery. Best wishes to all of those going through this excruciating time.

Welcome RNS.
I am sorry you are going through this right now. We all know how horrible it is. And I'm glad you've been lurking here. This place is a godsend to me.

Since you've been lurking, I'm sure you know the way it goes--plan A and Exposure.

Your WH needs to get away from OW before anything can happen. Have you exposed?

Targets are your parents, his parents, work (since they are coworkers) and OW's family.

He brought her to live into your house??? I would make sure the people you expose to know this.

Do you live close to him now? You said you were at your parent's house. Same city/area?

I wonder if it's advisable to move back home--OW would for sure be out of YOUR home. maybe someone more experienced with this can pipe in. I tend to think it makes it easier for him to carry this on if he can do it in the family home.

Keep posting. You'll gets lots of support and help.

Also, is he supporting you and baby financially?

Just wanted to say hi. I am new here as well and don't really have any advice to give. Your discovery date is only 2 days before mine, so I imagine we are in about the same place emotionally. I have the same feelings that you do - wondering if I want to just move on, and then feeling pulled back. I feel guilty when I see my WH feeling so terrible, even though I know that this was his choice, not mine. My WH is still committed to OW, so I am trying to do Plan A. He has his own apt. (which I nastily call their love nest -but only to myself), but is continually finding reasons to call or unload on me. So it seems to me that she is not meeting all of his EN. How can she - she is married with 4 kids?
Basically, I just wanted to say hello and welcome. I too was lurking since D-Day and finally posted. I have read and read and have learned so much just being here. Most importantly, it helps to know that you are not alone.

Lizzie

Oops. I knew I was leaving something out of my long post. Exposure!

I exposed to his family, my family, and some mutual friends. He is not sure who knows since there is quite a grapevine effect in our social circle. I told him to assume that *everyone* probably knows by now, which he did not like one bit. I have to admit I am one of those who has had a very hard time with exposing. I totally get the point of it and how it works, but it fills me with cold fear to imagine telling more people, and what WH's reaction would be if I did. I KNOW it's a key element of Plan A, thus the exposure to his family.

Surprisingly, not much has come of exposure. His family has been a great source of support to me but have not really confronted him.People are generally disgusted with him and have said very little to him. He is mortified that people know, and actively avoids almost everyone we know.

I did not expose at work because (I forgot to mention) she is actually an ex-coworker since she got fired. I have not exposed to OW's family. She is not married.

OW is not living at our house, but they are still dating and she has been spending some nights there. YUCK. Nothing like seeing another woman's fingerprints on your headboard. The headboard you so lovingly picked out with your husband when you bought your first house.

I've considered moving back into the house but have decided against it to maintain my own sanity. My IC agrees that this is best for me. We live in the same area, but the trek between our house and my family is pretty long. I was so lonely and depressed all the time while I was there. The baby is still little and I am getting so much support from family where I am now.

He is completely supporting us financially as of now.

I don't understand why you moved out of your home with a young baby, RNS. Why on earth would you do that?

Because my mother lives in the area and volunteered to take me in. I needed help with the baby that my H was not providing. I was a new, first-time mom (which is already emotionally overwhelming) and had the breakup of my marriage to deal with on top of it. I was not sleeping or eating.

At my parents' house I had help with the baby, love, support, people to remind me to eat, and the company of my parents and siblings who all live in the area. I did not have to wait up all night for my H to come home or not come home and deal with that heartbreak on top of trying to cope with a colicky newborn.

I would go stay for a few days and then come back, but then around Thanksgiving my IC and I decided it was better for me to stay with my parents. This was also before I knew he was having an A, when I naively thought he was just having a rough time becoming a dad.

In hindsight I probably should have tried to better maintain my ties to the house. But I could not "tough it out" in the house with a brand new baby. I was way too emotionally fragile given the fact that I was only five weeks postpartum when this all started.

You really should move back in to your home. Ask your mother if she'll come over to your house some to help.

Do you have an attorney?

Tell us more of what your MC has advised.

I do have an attorney.

Part of what complicated my particular situation is that my mother dpes not drive... so I was having to drive over to my mom's all the time.

I would move back in the house, except that it is on the market now and it seems a little too late to do that.

Why are you selling your home?

Please describe the legal arrangements that are in place with your H - finances, child cistody, etc.

WAT

My H and I have agreed to sell the house and split the profits. We agreed this at a point when I was pretty hopeless about the M and was ready to just move on. I also pushed to go ahead and sell the house b/c I couldn't stand the thought of him living there anymore, but couldn't/wouldn't move back. Please understand that this is something that I have struggled with long and hard. I know it is wrong for him to be there, but I cannot personally function there. I know it goes against the MB plan for me to leave, but it was necessary for me. He also refused to leave, BTW. He said he had nowhere to go. We could not afford the mortgage payment and rent for a temporary place for him. So I was being put thru never knowing when/if he would come home.

We are also selling b/c I would not want that house now even if we reconciled. It is ruined for me. I wasn't even particularly happy living there before all this happened. It is out in the middle of nowhere.

Right now we are financially acting as if nothing has happened and we are still married. I am in the process of getting a separation agreement drawn up with my attorney to get everything down on paper. I am trying to figure out my own part of it. I had quit my job right before the baby came and so now I have to get a job and figure out when to go back to work, how much spousal support until I can, etc.

As far as custody, he sees the baby twice a week - once for lunch during the week and once on the weekends. We always do this together - he has not really taken the baby on his own at this point and has not pushed the issue. He is enjoying being a bachelor for now.

Since the separation is not yet settled, I strongly recommend you not cut him any slack with the division of assets. WSs frequently underestimate the tangible costs of their decisions and feeling some consequences can reintroduce reality to them. Let him enjoy ALL the benefits of his decision. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ask you attorney to play hardball. Let the attorney deliver the bad news rather than you.

WAT

WAT, you're right about consequences. Actually I think one turning point is when I sat down with him and told him how much per month I would need until I went back to work. He kind of freaked out at that point - it was obvious that this was a dose of reality he was not prepared for. He said, "I have not thought about that stuff at all... I need some time to think about this and do my own research... this came out of nowhere."

Nowhere? I had been saying stuff for MONTHS about having to settle these financial issues if we were going to live separately. He knew I wasn't ready to go back to work full time, and agreed that was for the bebst. Then when an actual dollar amount was put on it, he freaked.

I know I need to get back in touch with my atty and let him do the dirty work. Still, I can sort of see WH softening toward me now and I hate to play hardball right now.

OTOH, I hate to start softening MYSELF and have him take advantage of that somehow.

I feel like I am sort of in the same shoes as Caren and Kim (Kimberly234). My WH is starting to *say* stuff that makes it look like his fog is clearing. But he's still with OW and he's not ready to *do* anything about it. He is definitely not the "recovery ready" WH that some have talked about on here. It seems like he feels trapped in the situation he's created and can't see his way out.

What is a BS to do?

Rather,

Wow! Your story emulates so much of my own. Let me give you a brief background.

I was pregnant with our first child as also had horrible morning sickness (non-fuctioning). For four months I struggled through it while simutanously watching my husband grow distant. I thought at the time everything you did. As the pregnancy progressed I thought he was just struggling with becoming a Dad, stress at work etc... I remember many times I would remind him that "I" was still here even though I was pregnant. Right at the end I started to get scared that something was really wrong, I mean he wouldn't even touch me and he seemed so sad and despondent all the time.

About 4 or 5 months after Ella was born he said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. I was hurt but thought it would just take time. I totally projected all of his crap on the fact I was breastfeeding, still had baby weight, and wasn't given him the attention he had pre-baby.

At this point I didn't know about MB and I did not suspect an affair. My husband has always been a good man, but starting before the baby he had bouts with depression that had gotten worse as our marriage progressed. So I assumed he needed help because it was something psychological. ( He did and was later diagnosed Bipolar, however that's another story).

Anyhoo. I lived unknowingly through the affair, his foogy babble, his withdrawl from OW, until he started to come back. If I had known then what I know now....I would've done things so differently!

Ok...

I know the pain, the insanity when you are not only dealing with a new baby, but a husband who is absent in every form of the word. I remember praying to God all the time, just to give me my husband back because I did not know who the alien was.....and like I said I knew nothing about MB at this point.

So what do you do? Here's what you have to ask yourself....and your gonna have to pull your mind away from the emotional stuff for a moment to do it.

Do you want the husband you know is deep down in there, back? Do you think that person would be a good father to his child? Is it worth fighting for....for you and your child?

If the answers to those questions are yes, it's time to get your armor on and sound the war drums.

If you want to fight for your marriage your going to have to put your despair aside. You seem to know what you need to take care of yourself and that's awesome!

But, if I were you....

I would (with no LB's) establish myself as his wife again. And that means moving your butt right back into your home, whether you're selling it or not ....and making a declaration to him, you're fighting for your marriage period. It takes a lot of inner strength...and I get why you don't want to go back home....but think of it as a temporary plan until he pulls himself out of the fog and realizes his family will not live in a home of his affair.

My husband did come back.....and as much as he is ashamed of what he did, he shows me everyday how much he appreciates me. In fact, what he was most awed by, was that I fought for us, I fought for our family, and I stood by him through our darkest pain. He has enourmous respect for me and because of what I did (unknowingly), it has forged a new and stronger bond between us. He knows, and I know, our marriage is cemented in something stronger than it ever was...faith in each other.

Today my daughter has an active loving father, and I have a wonderful husband (who needs to take the garbage out (real soon) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Another thing, I feel very strongly about is this..... Just because you are separated, doesn't mean he gets to shirk his parental duties. The more he spends time with his daughter....the more attached he will get....it will give him a dose of reality along and a sense of pride that just might lead him to do what deep down he wants to do...come home.

You are his child's mother and his wife, the OW doesn't hold a candle to that. Use it. Begin making weekly, daily schedule for visitation whenever, and however you have to do it. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. It's not too late.

Do not discuss divorce, settlement, or selling the house.

Tell his family and yours what your doing, ask for their support and assistance for this purpose.

If you answered yes to those hard questions above....then fight girl....fight. And at the same time walk the walk, and continue to take care of yourself and better yourself for you

All the best,
Rachel

FYI...don't get a job yet, when my husband was talking divorce he kept pressuring me to get a job....ya want to know why? Cause the child support would be reduced if I had established an income of my own. He knew this because he is an attorney.

Perhaps the way to approach the "bad news" about his financial responsibilities is a sweet and sour approach - deliver the bad news as sweetly as you can or have your attorney do it like this.

You: (calmly) Honey, I've got the final figures for how much support you'll be required to provide. My attorney figured it all out following the normal guidelines for our situation. I asked him/her to make sure all the rules were followed so you would know it's fair and right. Here it is

Him: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That's too much!!

You: (sympathetically) I'm so sorry that it's a surprise. I certainly didn't want you to be upset. But this IS the customary and reasonable support.

Or something like that.

WAT

Rachel - I read some of your posts and our situations *are* really similar. I am so sorry for your pain, but I am glad to know you are in recovery.

It's good to know I'm not alone. Many of my friends and my family think my sitch is extra crazy - and less salvageable - because WH cheated on me while I was 9 months pregnant. It's like they think he deserves his own special level of WH he//.

WAT - Yes, we already had a conversation very similar to that one. After I went to the lawyer, WH and I went to dinner to talk about finances, and that's when I gave him the dollar amount. He basically laughed in my face because he was so shocked. I got upset -- I suddenly freaked out. How could he not understand that my entire *LIFE* is hanging in the balance? He ditched me right after I had quit my job to take care of our baby. I lost my house and my financial security because of him, and now he was going to start jerking me around over money? I got really pissed, but somehow expressed my hurt and anger without yelling or LBing too much.

I tried to call him later that night and he was on the phone with guess who? OW, who I'm sure was telling him how ridiculous my request was and how he shouldn't pay me, etc.

He was a real jerk to me for a few days. A few days later I talked to him again and pointed out his jerky behavior since the money issue came up. Then I calmly explained that it was a reasonable request, that I understood that he was shocked and I was sorry he was taken off guard, but that this was the reality of the situation. I said that I was not the one who chose this, that *he* chose it, and that choices have consequences. I said I was not done being married and I did not want to be in this situation, but I had to do what was right for me and DD.

He started being nicer after that, actually -- nicer than he had been in weeks.

I mentioned that WH and I had a long conversation on Saturday during which it seemed some of the fog was lifting. Some excerpts:

Me: I think when people have an A they are trying to escape. I think you're living in a fantasy world right now.
WH: (A few minutes later): You're right. I probably am living in a fantasy world. The whole thing is messed up.

WH: Obviously the whole thing should never have happened. I feel so guilty and stupid about everything.

WH: I just don't understand how you would ever forgive me, how it would ever be the same again.
Me: It wouldn't be the same again. It would be different. But it could be better. Now we could really be honest with each other, because what do we have to lose?
WH: I don't know how you could do that. How could you ever trust me again? How could you ever get past it?
Me: I'm not saying it would be easy, but I know that people can, and do get through it, and they have better marriages in the long run. Is that your main reason for not wanting to try? Because you don't think I could ever get over it?
WH: Yeah, it mostly has to do with you. I just don't know how you'd ever forgive me.

Me: (After laying out the "rules" of recovery - no contact, counseling, healing together and helping each other through it) Do you really think you could do what it would take to make the marriage work again?
WH: I think I *could.*
Me: Even the counseling?
WH: Yeah.

You guys get the drift. He did also say that right or wrong, he was in an R with the OW, and he wasn't sure what he wanted. So, it wasn't all positive.

So then Saturday night he went out with some longtime friends of ours who were planning to "talk" to him and find out what was going on in his head. Now, I did not put them up to this. They did it on their own b/c he's been avoiding them and they are mutual friends who are devastated by our breakup. I have *no* idea what happened or what was said.

Since then I have not heard from him. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Usually, he and I go to lunch on Wednesday or Thursday with the baby, but I never heard from him. I called today, and I swear he sounded like WH again and not my husband. He said he had meetings yesterday, a lunch meeting today, and meetings tomorrow. Um. He's worked there five years and he's never had that many meetings in one week. My "lie" alarm bells started sounding. He also had dinner plans he couldn't get out of tonight. So he said he guessed he'd just see the baby on the weekend. I hung up and just felt numb.

I think he's slipping back.

I think I'm losing my love for him as the days pass.

I went to look at a rental house for me and my little one today, and it was clean and cute and charming, and I could see a new life unfolding there. It is scary, but I kind of want that life.

I am so confused. I feel like I want to go Plan B. I feel like I don't want to be entangled anymore with WH and his yucky OW with all of her drama. I want my H back, but since he appears to be gone, maybe I need to find out who *I* am for awhile.

WAT - I haven't been ignoring the part about what my MC has said, I just wanted to give it some thought before I answered.

I love my counselor. She seems to really get me. She has watched me struggle with the rollercoaster and has continually made me feel like I am holding it all together and being a great mom to my daughter.

Her main focus is that I concentrate on me. That I detach from trying to analyze what he wants, what he's thinking, what he means by this or that, whether he still loves me. She keeps me focused on figuring out what *I* want. Whether the H that he was before all of this happened is really the man I want to be with. What my life could be, with him or without him, and what I want my life to be.

She is very interested in MB and very open to all the ideas I have shared from here. She cautions me, however, not to salvage the marriage at all costs. She doesn't want me to "win" my husband back and find out that wasn't really what I wanted or needed.

She is amazed by the fact that I do not demonize my H and that I can see his side of things, and already begin to forgive. Part of that is my nature, I think, but I know that most of that ability comes from the support I've gotten here on MB.