Ok orchid, star*fish, smartcookie etc,
I was off the computer last night ( Ive been up for 40 hours straight so if some of my writing doesnt make any sense that's why) ) WW & I were up talking most the night. As most of you know she has been very reluctant to put any effort into recovery for going on 4 months now & it has been suggested by many that there may still be contact.

Anyway after our talk on Sunday I could see it made her feel a little uncomfortable that I would not let things stay stagnant. I feel really bad about doing this but I think it helped turn things in a positive direction, I remember that my wife likes to carry on a conversation with herself when she is alone so I decided to use this to my advantage to see if I could get a clearer picture of what was going on. I purchased a voice activated recorder & left it in our room, last night I used it for the first time, when I listened to the recording I was able to deduce that she had meet with the OM wife earlier in the day , this upset me as we had had a conversation about this not too long after D day & decided together that talking with her would serve no real purpose. Later in the evening I confronted her with this Info ( I said I over heard her talking to her self ).

I stayed very calm & asked what was going on, she said that the OM wife had called & wanted to talk with her & my WW agreed even though she had decided against it prior, the one good thing that came out of there meeting is my WW found out what a snake the OM really was because she learned he had done this many times before. she had planned on keeping her meeting a secret from me, after she figured out that I knew about it she tried to tell me it was nothing & gave me quite a lot of WS babble, tried to say I was trying to control her etc. I just sat there & listened & did not react in anyway.

After she was done & figured out that her lame excuses for keeping it from me & for not working on the M wernt working anymore & that I wasn't going to let her goad me into an unproductive argument, I basically told her enough was enough she either start being totally honest with me & make a commitment to working on the M or she could pack her bags & move out, this didnt sit very well at first I stayed calm, let her calm down & than we were able to discuss what was actually going on.


Here's what I found out, there has been limited contact with OM over the phone about once every three weeks & she had filled him in on the meeting with his wife. so after some long discussions & her admitting that it was hard for her to let go of the OM, she said that she wasn't staying in contact to continue the A, just wanted to know he was alright. I explained that it was unacceptable & was a big road block to our M which she agreed with me & told me she did not want contact with him anymore & would tell him so.


I know this is very long (sorry, but Im almost done ) here's what came out of it after some lengthy discussions in which I think she is finally being totally honest with me, here's what she agreed to.

1. She called the OM while I was there, he didnt answer but she left a message that she did not want to see of talk to him again, not to try to contact her & she would do the same.

2. send a NC letter to him at his work.

3. made a commitment to work on our M.

4. agreed to fill out & discuss the EN questionnaire

5. agreed to be totally honest about whats going on & discuss it with me.


Im keeping my guard up but I think she is finally being sincere & totally honest. what do you guys think about what happened & what are your suggestion. What do I do next? I think there is still a lot of work to be done & a few more hurdles to jump but do you think this is a good start?

Cliff

cnam,

Now that's what I'M TALKING about!!!! If I had been sitting next to you, whispering in your ear....you couldn't have done better. It doesn't mean it's clear sailing from here on....because this is a BIG storm....but this is outstanding progress and you handled it flawlessly.

Now....don't forget the extra-ordinary precautions to help her keep her word. She needs to open her life to you and be accountable for her time, whereabouts and money. You two need to spend 15 hours a week together....more if you can find it. Get out of the house whenever you can together and do some things that aren't all bogged down in the misery. This part of recovery can be really depressing.....even when the affair ends....the disconnection continues....sometimes the WS has a difficult withdrawal.

But for today.....I just want you to feel good about how well you handled this.

((((((((((((((((cnam))))))))))))))))))))

Yippeee!!!

Good job Cliff. Now expect her to back peddle a bit but you need to stand your ground.

ditto Starfish!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Wow Cliff,

That is awsome! You done good! That's the good news.

Now here's the bad news: The withdrawl will now begin in earnest, and it may not be pretty. She has agreed to put forth some effort. That's a huge step in the right direction, but it will not be easy for her. As you've suggested many times, being open and honest does not come naturally for her. You're going to have to take the lead -- VERY, VERY GENTLY. My guess is, one LB or overly clingy move on your part will send her scurrying right back into her protective little shell. You are wise to keep your guard up, IMO. Also, did you see my last post to you on your other thread? I think it still applies... maybe even moreso now that she'll be in withdrawl and is likely to spew more vehnom (SP?) before this is done.

Be strong. Breath deeply.

Oh... and QUIT STARTING NEW THREADS!!!! Your "history" gets lost every time you do, and it's hard to build a support group that will stick with you when that happens.

--SC

Orchid & star*fish thanks for the words of encouragement & the help, I know there is a lot left to work on all I ever wanted was a starting point & an agreement that we would both work on the M, I know that there is no guarantee that it will work out but its got a chance & a direction now.


smartcookie, sorry for the new thread a lot of my others have died so I start new ones to get some more interest built up, I will try to keep this one going to make it easier I did read what you had to say & you are correct I should listen & I did, I tend to summarize when I wright, the trouble is when given the opportunity to give her opinion she always clams up or says I don't know, she doesn't communicate very well, for that matter I had not been communicating very well either which is a big part of why we are here. I have been expressing myself well as of late & we are working on her doing so I would love for her to give me her input we have a long road ahead & it will take the both of us.


Thank all of U once again

Cliff

small update, is st she is trying to back peddle a little about the EN questionnaire & is showing some more signs of with drawl Im just taking it slow & steady for now even though its way to slow for my needs.

Im having a real hard time during the day while Im at work
I start to let her negativity set in & start to wonder if its all worth it or if I should just file the papers & end it.

Cliff

The hard part is as she gets closer to a real recovery.....you as the BS will begin to tire, get figidity, want to see quicker progress.

Ok, now you know this.....so what t/d? Know you can't hurry it but you can start making your needs known. Not in a telling way....in a question way...... not every day but make it sporatic. Set up a code phrase to be able to ask your questions.

Mine was: 'can I ask you a question?' I always prefaced it with that opening line. If he was grouchy, I'd pull back. That meant he knew I had something to ask but didn't because I didn't feel safe.....now he was curious and up to him to better himself. If he wasn't curious, I had to accept pulling back....don't worry, that didn't happen to much..... I could count on his curiousity getting the better of him. Was I mysterious? A bit. Aloof? A bit also..... Vague? Yep. Reverse babble helped a lot in those days. Still whip it out sometimes. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hey C,

How r u doing?

L.

Hello Orchid,

Im doing OK, thanks for asking. Im still in a holding pattern with her right now she has had some medical issues for the last week or so, bad head & neck pain & problems with one of her eyes so Im trying to be the understanding spouse ( although Im not sure why ) its Ironic that she doesnt feel the need to work towards any of my EN but when she has issues Im supposed to come running.

Im trying to decide if its all worth my time & effort with how she reacts to me. Daily things are getting better, talking & interacting with each other etc. When I have had the opportunity to talk with her I still get her standard answers. She doesnt have to do anything until her feelings start to come back, Im pressuring her, when she says this I inquire as to how Im putting any pressure on her she says Im not really that its her. She also says I need to give her time, I think she has had enough time to make a minimal commitment to the repair of our marriage. Im trying to give her the time & space she needs but Im not sure how much longer I can hold out. She does admit things are better than they have been for a long time & is satisfied with that but Im not because we are not much more than roommates & that's not acceptable to me.

Every day when Im at work or away from her I think I should just end things & file for a D, than I get home & spend time with her & I seem to change my mind, Im nearing a decision but Im waiting to talk with Jennifer first I keep forgetting about the time difference. I am off work on Monday so I will try again.


Cliff

So she still has u on that roller coaster ride, eh?

Your mind and heart are not in sync so it is easy to sway you from one momment to the next.

This is what the WS' do to most BS'. U need to figure out how much longer you want to ride that roller coaster.

Health issues or not, disrespctful acts should not be tolerated.

No you don't have to jump through hopes....

ex:

WS: Get me a glass of water (WS relaxing in the house).

BS: (working on the yard - BS gets the water, when the BS comes in the house to also get a drink....c/b 10 minutes later).....

See you are not her slave. U r her mate and partner. Not her maid.

L.

Thanks Orchid,
I agree time is the issue how long do I give her to come out of the fog before I throw in the towel. Im still not sure about exposure to her parents yet because I promised i would not, but she broke her promise about talking to the OM, I believe the PA has ended but Im not so sure about the EA part of it. Im wondering if I should contact the OW & compare notes I believe that I have her # & address but Im not sure if its correct or not., i know that my wife lied to her about contact because when the OW spoke with my WW. my WW called & gave the OM the heads up about meeting her & told her that she had not talked to him.

Thank you for your continued interest & help, I waiting on a return call from MB as I wright this.

Cliff

U will knwo when u r ready.

Who is the OW?

L.

sorry I ment OMW (other mans wife), we havent done much talking because of the way she has been feeling, I finally got her to go to the doctor & it was a good thing too because her blood pressure was sky high 208 over 106 yikes.
we were at the doctors for 6 hours.


Cliff

finally got my appointment set up with Jennifer, it will be next Tuesday

Cliff

Good.

How r u doing?

L.

Very stressed, I have to take on even more responsibility right now & pickup the slack around the house, because her blood pressure is out of control & she cant do anything until they can stabilise it at a safe level, we were at the doctors again last night till 2:30 am. She is very scared right now & I don't blame her but (this will sound selfish on my part) Im not sure if I feel comfortable being there & supporting her through this since she has not really committed to anything for me as far as the marriage goes. I realise its a great opportunity to add to her love bank on my behalf. I know that I will be there for her not because of the brownie points I will earn, I will do it because its the right thing to do.

It really makes me mad that I feel like I have to give so much more emotionally right now.


Cliff

U R taking the high road and one u s/b proud of. Unfortunately there is no guarantee that she would do the same if the tables were turned.

However, it is your choice as to how much effort you put into this but the choice/decision must be one you can live with. So choose wisely.

When you look back, you need to have NO regrets. I know it is hard but you will feel better even if she chooses to stay as a WS.

take care,
L.

I realise this more than you may know, I will be there for her & help in any way that I can, for myself I think this will be make it or break it time for our relationship from my point of view. This is a time to be concerned for her but when things settle down the time for me & us will need to come into play or I will walk away with no regrets.

tomorrow I will be speaking with Jennifer for the first time & I will see what she has to say about everything, see if she thinks Im on the right path or see if I should take a step back & change course.

Thank you for your continued input, support & concern


Cliff

Small update, I spoke with Jennifer H last night & she had a lot of good Ideas, but she basically said to step back & concentrate on my WS for now, start over. Im just not sure if I have the strength & conviction to do that right now I will need to do some soul searching & decide, Im not really sure what to do I would like for the marriage to survive but the cost may be to high.


Cliff