You've suffered the worst shock a marriage partner can absorb and you have my, and everyone else's, complete sympathy. We are here to help. In fact, MB exists only to help you get your marriage back on track. With a remorseful wayward wife who is willing to work on the marriage, you are advanced beyond what many people are when they come here. You have a huge advantage they do not.
Please take a moment to order the book
Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley so you can get in-depth knowledge about the things you need to do to repair your marriage. Second, you and your wife need to know more about friends of the opposite sex outside the marriage. That subject is covered very well in
Not "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. Both books are often available on Half.com for much less than retail cost. I suggest you order both and expedite delivery.
Now...the most important thing you can do immediately is to calm yourself. It isn’t going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever WILL be easy. What has happened shouldn’t have, but it has. You are angry, lost, and "hurt" doesn’t even
begin to describe the pain you’re feeling. We know that. However, staying mad isn’t going to solve anything. Here is a link to Plan A on this website.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.htmlIf you do nothing else for the next few days, look at the discussion on Angry Outbursts, Disrespect, and Demands in that link. They are in a section dedicated to instances where the betrayed spouse is trying to separate a wayward spouse from the other person BUT they are rules for a successful recovery also. Please read them and share them with your wife too. It sounds to me like she could especially stand to know what Disrespectful Judgments are. Both of you need to find out what “Love Busters” are and how to stay away from them. Please look at these things as soon as you can. You and your wife can’t solve any problems if you’re yelling at each other, crying, becoming increasingly resentful toward each other, etc.
I suspect you’re pretty disoriented right about now. You probably have been operating on adrenalin and nerves and don’t have much of a clue what to do next. You need to know what to do and how to set up a plan to make recovery possible and
Surviving An Affair will help show you how to do that.
While you wait for it to arrive, you will be well served by reading all the articles by Dr. Harley on this website. Start with the “Most Popular Links” on the right side of the webpage. One link will lead you to others and will prepare you for what you’ll read in more detail in Dr. Harley’s book. The link I gave you just above about Plan A is one of the articles you’ll run into in the most popular links.
You have said you are seeking couple’s counseling. I applaud you for that. Please “shop around” for a PRO-MARRIAGE counselor and find one that has considerable experience in getting couples back together. Counselors come in all grades of competence. Please get yourself a good one.
Finally, you need to start a thread in the “General Questions II” forum on this website. There are a lot of experienced folks over there who have gone through what you are going through now, but they do not come here to “Just Found Out” that often. You need more folks brainstorming on things you can do to save your marriage.
Friend, you have lots to do in order to get your marriage back where it should be, but you’ve taken a couple of very important steps by arranging for counseling and coming here to Marriagebuilders.com. Marriages have weathered the tragedy yours has encountered and yours can survive too. You’ll find people here on MB who are here only to help.
