WW was in an EA for up to two years and went PA in last six months. She is in severe withdrawal right now. They worked together until last six months and then she got cell phones just for them and they talked Mon thru Friday basically all day for six months. NC since 1/1/06. She is depressed, sleeps all the time, etc. She says she loves me but doesn't "feel it right now".

I'm wondering how you know when with drawal is over and we can begin recovery?

Terpsfan,

Welcome to these boards although I’m sorry you need to be here. You have found the right place for help and advice. I'm a FWW who've experienced severe withdrawal.

Please read the following thread thoroughly (just click on the link):

A quick start guide on withdrawal for FWS’s and BS’s

As you will read from the above thread, your W’s withdrawal symptoms will lessen with time, patience and continuous NC. It’s not an overnight process though…it’s a gradual process. At this stage your W’s symptoms is very intense, but with time it will become better. Marital recovery usually begins after the worst withdrawal symptoms have disappeared. Then your W will start to “connect” with you again and will allow you to meet her EN’s. It might take weeks, months or even up to 1 or 2 years for all withdrawal symptoms to completely disappear. It depends from person to person and is not the same for everyone. Depression, anger, anxiety etc. is very normal during early withdrawal. Your W might benefit greatly from a visit to your medical practitioner and/or a psychologist/counselor.

The above thread will give you more information and insight into all of this.

Take care.

Something I want to add to my previous post:

Terpsfan, the “I love you, but not in love with you” speech is very common for a FWS who is still in a fog and withdrawal. Probably your W feels very confused right now and also confuse mature love in a M with feelings of infatuation and “in love” during the early stages of a relationship. Please read this post (click on the link) I’ve posted a while ago to give you more understanding and insight into this.

Hi, I am going through the withdrawal stage with my wife and have a question as well...

Am I understansing right that all my attempts to meet her ENs are going to be met with rejection and disdain? Because they seem to be. It is getting much more intense and she has just started hiding things more and more.

AshamedH, here is what Dr Haley have to say about this:

”As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.”

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Also read the withdrawal thread I’ve linked in my first post.

Suzet, thanks for your response. I had already printed off your guide for WS and BS and gave it to my W. It is a big help.

Also reading your story helped. The hope that keeps me going is that one day our M will be better than it ever was.

It is just hard right now not only because of the fact she violated our M but also I guess she still feels "in love" with OM.

I have read Surviving an Affair and am going to get HNHN so I am ready once recovery starts.

Again, thanks for your input.

Terpsfan, you're welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just ask if you have any more questions I might be able to assist you with.

Your W will also benefit from reading the following thread (as well as the links in that thread): A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

Also give your W this letter to read.

Here is threads you will find helpful:

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit
(Bob is a BS and his story is one of the success stories around here. His W was also involved in an EA/PA.)

Here is a link for both you and your W: What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile

Hope this will be of additional help.

Take care,
Suzet