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My hubby has gone off the deep end. He has decided that love has nothing to do with leaving me. He says he still loves me, he says he is still attracted to me, he says he still physically wants me BUT he simply isn't happy and hasn't been for a long time. He doesn't know why. He doesn't think it can be fixed. He didn't realize it until my father's death and he knows that if I "look deep inside myself" I will see that I was never happy either. He is bringing up things from our first year of marriage and acting as if they happened yesterday. I'm worried for his mental health, really.
How does one handle this?
I am so lost
Because life is as brief as it is, let us not waste precious time destroying one another, but rather nourish the strength and encourage the weakness of each other with hope
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How does one handle this? Ignore it. Just calmly reply, "I hear your confusion." Just more proof that the Mothership is really up there! I suggest you change your log in name to Heissolost. WAT ------------------ Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.
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Re-writing history......ahhhh yes, I remember it well.
That's all he's doing, it's typical WS stuff.
Which plan are you in?? A?
It sounds like A, so just keep plan Aing. I know it's hard when you don't see the positive results that you're looking for. But it really does work.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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"thats nice, dear."
Just recognize it's all FOGBABBLE. He is rewriting the history of your marriage in the hopes that if he makes it sound bad enough, it will justify an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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we were in court in early September 2005 for a civil case due to a car accident. I just received transcripts from my attorney and I was floored. My hubby sat there and told the jury how the accident had affected me. He then, under oath, said how much he loved me and how our marriage had never been stronger. He said that we "work so well together that it's down to a science". Only 6 weeks later his weird behavior started and 2 months later he had pulled away from me. Amazing.
Thanks for the replies. I know it's fog talk but geez I think he's losing it. You should write a book about your alien/mothership theory. It would surely be a best seller.
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Lost-
Have you read *Surviving An Affair*??? You need to. This behavior is completely par for the course.
It's not even a little bit foreign to us......we've all heard pretty much the same thing.
I don't find it remotely strange that in September he was professing his love, and today he says he never loved you. They RE-WRITE history. They HAVE to. It's the only way they can justify what they're doing!!!!
Don't even bother pointing it out......he knows it's not true. Haven't you ever known anyone that convinced themselves that a lie they were telling was the truth???
You need to do some studying up, start Plan A.
Have you exposed the Affair????
Time to make a plan and execute it. Be PROACTIVE, not REACTIVE.
Good Luck and God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Thanks Caren. The affair is exposed to everyone. Plan A was useless. Hubby moved out on January 29.I was considering Plan B but he filed for divorce last Friday. My youngest daughter has gone shut him off completely and he is devastated. I have read Surviving an Affair, Love must be tough, and many other books and everything on this site. I am on antidepressants and hanging by a thread. I am currently talking to him calmly and not getting into any big conversations with him.
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IAM, you need to stay in Plan A. Plan A is not useless. THEN you can go into Plan B.
Have you read the Harley books and fully understand both plans?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel is right.
Plan A isn't useless.....it seems useless, but it's really not.
Get back to Plan A. Even if he doesn't seem to care, it's something you need to do!
Him filing on you is really neither here nor there, you don't have to just go along with it.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Melody, yes I have read all the books and believe I understand Plan A and B. Sadly, Plan A was easy because it's basically the way I always treated him. I know that sounds self serving but it's true. I know when he moved out, he told my oldest daughter that he was surprised I didn't get angry and rant and rave. I wanted to, believe me but I stuck with my Plan A.
Caren, the filing hurt. It sincerely broke me, albeit temporarily. I am working on myself now and taking care of my daughter. He threatened to MAKE her see him with legal means. I calmly countered that I would MAKE him go to counseling the same way. He hung up on me, yet again.
This divorce/seperation/affair stuff is hard.
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The ladies are right. I'll even raise the ante - Plan A cannot POSSIBLY be useless when implemented objectively. Here's my canned Plan A description which may explain it better: The way I understand Plan A, it's based on two premises that must be accepted for “garden variety” affairs:
1. The BS (betrayed spouse) cannot end the affair.
2. The affair developed, to some extent great or small, due to a poor marital environment which the BS, also to some extent great or small, contributed to.
If a BS cannot accept these two statements as givens, they will not be able to implement Plan A.
With these facts established, there is only one constructive thing a BS can do to influence the course of an affair: change the affair-friendly marital environment by eliminating the BS contributions to it.
To this end, the BS must perform an introspective search for all the things they were doing or not doing that contributed to the WS's (wayward spouse) decision to have an affair - and then eliminate those negative contributions. These may include failure to meet emotional needs or disbursing too many love busters - but is usually some combination of both.
This DOES NOT mean that the BS "caused" the affair. This DOES NOT mean that the BS can or should try to change failings of the WS.
It simply means that the BS needs to change and improve the only thing they have control over - themselves - to eliminate love busters and begin meeting as many emotional needs of the WS as they can.
Central in this is stopping all disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, and selfish demands. This is agonizingly difficult in the face of an affair. A BS has to counter the common knee jerk reactions of demanding the WS "straighten up" and delivering ultimatums and threats. Acting in this fashion simply reinforces the WS's rationalizations to conduct the affair in the first place - because the marriage "is over" or expendable and the spouse is unreasonable, therefore the affair is justifiable.
Invariably, this course leads BSs to feel like doormats and [censored] kissers. It also conjures up thoughts of enabling the affair by not resisting it. But the better logic to apply is that the BS isn't a doormat or enabling because they're doing the only things in their power to stop the affair - it's just counterintuitive to the initial reactions. This doesn't mean that boundaries shouldn't be set and protective measures shouldn't be taken.
Let me add that Plan A is all about the BS. You do not "Plan A" your WS. It is not intended to change ANYTHING but the BS.
I'll end this by offering that there is one additional thing a BS can do to alter the course of the affair - but I call it "destructive" rather than "constructive" (to separate it from the one and only constructive thing, discussed above). It's to expose the affair to the light of day. But this deserves its own discussion.
OK, one more thing. The affair is very, very likely to end DESPITE what the BS does or does not do. Until it ends, there is NO chance for reconciliation. Ideally, Plan A improvements can encourage the WS to end the affair sooner because the spouse's "causes" of it are eliminated. But regardless, following Plan A prepares the BS for a successful reconciliation whenever and for whatever reason the affair ends by jump starting the process - their share of pre-existing marital problems are already confronted. Regarding your H's "insanity." It seems that the more astonishing and ludicrous their claims and actions, the more desperate they are to justify their affair. Think about it. WAT
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WAT I know you're right and I agree completely with you BUT I think hubby's affair was precipitated by depression. I've watched it get progressively worse over the course of the past 3 years and I believe my father's death was what pushed him over the edge. But he won't get help because he refuses o accept that diagnosis (a diagnosis which was made by his doctor by the way). Maybe that is why I feel that my Plan A was useless.
I just returned from the doctor myself, where I was told that my blood pressure is up, that I've lost too much weight too quickly, the my MS symptoms are worsening and where and that I need my antidepressant dosage upped.
Let's top that off with being accosted by the sweetest little old woman in the elevator who wanted to fix me up with her grandson, who was accompanying her. She said she noticed I had no wedding ring and that her grandson is such a doll I should "give him a twirl". I was mortified as was he but then he came into my doctor's waiting room and asked me for my phone number and I promptly burst into tears. Seems like life just keeps getting to be more fun daily.
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I understand. I hope getting your meds adjusted results in some improvement.
WAT
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I can't remember who said it, maybe Dr. Phil but:
Marriage isn't suppose to make you happy, it's suppose to make you married.
A depressed single person who gets married will not magically be happy just because they get married. Happiness comes from within. I think so many people have A's because they don't understand this and go searching for happiness without realizing it lies within them. I know when my FWH was having an A, he kept saying he had to find happiness. He didn't find that by walking out on his family and losing his morals and ethics.
BS (me) - 33
FWH - 33
Dday - 5/2/04, he confessed to a PA
Together 10 yrs, M 4
WH moved out 5/23/04, moved home 11/29/04
DD born - 12/7/04
In the process of recovery, taking it one day at a time...
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thanks WAT. I hope the dosage helps too.
thanks for that perspective kloe. I agree that happiness comes from within. I was explaining that to a friend last night. she can't understand how I could be laughing at something when my world's falling apart. I love my husband. I want my marriage. I want this to be repaired but I'm still a happy person because no one is responsible for my happiness but me. She didn't understand and thinks I'm a flake but oh well.
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Iamsolost,
Our situations are alomst mirror images. My WH has said all of what yours has. From the death of my father being used to he is still attracted to me and always will be. I have heard word for word the things you are hearing.
So with this said let me tell you it does get better, for you. Oh how i know your hurting and devestated and see nothing good happening but it will. You will become stronger and able to live life. I'm not saying you won't think about it or feel the pain or cry the tears at times because you will. But it becomes less and less as time moves on.
Our WH'S are so far in the fog its going to take a real big bite of reality to even make a dent. I think mine is starting to see some of it but nowhere near enough to make things right or get past his pride and justifications.
Just keep taking care of yourself and your daughter. Work on you and just keep teling yourself you can do this you will make it... I promise you it can and will happen. Show him the wonderful confident woman you are , gain strength and stand up for yourself in a loving way. I know this is something you don't want but I will tell you if the divorce goes through remember its only a piece of paper that legally says your not married but its whats in your heart that counts the most and if/when he sees the the mistake and wants to fix it you still can. It will be all your descion as everyone tells me this isn't over until YOU say its over. Ultimatley you have last word when its all said and done. All I can say for our WH'S is they better hope and pray once they get it we still want them....
Your in my prayers,
Hurting
BS (Me)- 47 WH - 46
Married- 24 yrs
3 children 15,19,22
2 grandsons
D-Day- June17, 2005 while I was 1400 miles away
WH living with OW since July 05
WH filed divorce papers Dec. 22, 05
Divorced granted June 28, 06
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Thanks hurting, for the support and encouragement. Having been through it, I know you understand how confused I am. It's good to hear the perspective of someone who has been there too (though I'm sorry that you have).
I just found out that my cousin is divorcing because her hubby cheated too. I told her about this site but she says it's too late as her hubby already filed and the OW is pregnant, due any day. It sickens me how people no longer take their wedding vows seriously and how forever means until I'm tired of you.
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Iam-
I still don't think Plan A is a lost cause, I really don't.
My husband never filed on me, but he came AWFULLY dang close, he went to his lawyer, paid the retainer...the whole 9 yards.
I got upset that he did this, and fired back that I would give him a dissolution.....this was probably 6 months ago or so.
He kept up the divorce talk the entire time, even though everything else was going pretty well. He kept telling me I needed to move out because we had to be separated 45 days before the dissolution got to court.
So, on January 16th, I did move. Of course, he didn't know I was moving. I did it all while he was at work and left him a plan B letter.
Well, we're not divorcing..........he changed his mind about that.....he decided he wanted his family back....but I let him back too soon....and we're back to Plan B again.
So....anyway, my point being....even if they're he// bent on divorce......things change.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Thanks Caren. Your support is quite helpful. I wish you luck on recovering. It's so hard to go through this.
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