Hi! My husband and I are both believers. My husband struggles with sexual temptations (I hate to label him an 'addict' although he would qualify for the world's view of addict. I hate to call him that because of the power of words and I do not want to call him something that is not in God's will). Anyway, we've been reconciled for approximately a year and a couple of months. We've attended church weekly, pray and read our bibles. God has been so good to us and yet, something is not right in our marriage.

It may be pride, it may be past issues, it may be unforgiveness, it may be dominance and anger, it could be a number of things I suppose but things are just not right.

My husband continues to 'dance' on the edge of inappropriate contact with females. The most recent issue was that he called a particular female for months. He has what could be considered a plausible explanation but the things that leads me to believe it's not true is that he lied to me about it and also deleted all of their calls off his call history. I normally sense his withdrawal from our relationship because he starts to wane from prayer and bible study with me and doesn't want to be home and his temper seems to be shorter.

So, anyway, I have confronted him regarding these phone calls and tried to be as honoring yet truthful as I could.

I feel as though my desire for him inside is dying. I firmly believe God can heal our marraige, he can heal us individually from our hurts, etc but if we don't submit our lives to Him then that won't happen.

I explained that once my husband chose to lie and betray me that he opened the door for satan and God's face won't shine on our marriage when sin is present.

On to my dilemma or dilemmas. I cannot seem to find an appropriate consequence to these actions of lying. I believe in boundaries and I believe God uses them and consequences. So, if my husband raises his voice or begins to yell at me (which happens more frequently than I like) I have already told him ahead of time that I will remove myself from those conversations until we can speak appropriately.

But for lying...what's an appropriate consequence?

I've also been praying for the holy spirit inside of him to convict him of sin and to bring him into righteousness. I pray for God to bless him. I pray for his soul and for God to heal his emotions that cause him to react in certain ways. And, continually I pray for god's healing and movement in his life where it concerns that spirit of lust.

Recently I've been listening to a marriage seminar from marriagetoday.org (Jimmy Evans) whom I believe is an annointed speaker from God concerning God's will for marriages. I believe my marriage can be above all that I ask or think or can imagine because that is God's will. Howeover, we all know that the holy spirit and God himself will not interject his will on to ours. He is a gentleman.

I don't believe that my husband is being Godly. I believe he continues to dance on the verge of sin and becomes proud in asking God for help.

If you asked me if I love my husband I'd say yes because I know it's a choice. I do know that I am not in love with him and I believe it's because of the environment of our home. I try to be submissive and honoring to my husband and yet I find that I'm often more beaten down than submissive. I have more peace when I am away from him at work, etc than I do in our own home in his presence.

I've asked for counseling and his answer is no. I've asked that we talk to the pastor and that answer is no. I've asked that we listen to the marriage tapes together and he's listened to one but has no desire to work on those by himself. If I've made him angry with whatever he won't pray with me or read the word with me. it's almost like punishment and I find that hard to honor.

Please believe me when I say that I am NOT without sin myself. I am not perfect and often times I try to protect myself and don't trust God completely. I nag sometimes although I have very recently become convicted by the holy spirit in this area. I've asked God for forgiveness and also asked my husband for forgiveness. That nagging comes from my lack of trusting God to work it out and I feel the necessity to take over God's job. I want to be clear that I recognize and ask God to help me in my own sin.

My husband did not have good role models growing up and neither did I. I think we were two unhealthy people marrying each other and I really want to break that curse and be whole. I want God to heal my emotions and my hurts, my disappointments, etc. I want to be in God's will and I want to do what's right. I also don't want to let satan win this battle of my marriage and I feel as if I leave (because I have considered that option due to the ongoing dance with sexual lusts) even for a brief time that satan wins.

I would love some of your thoughts here. I am seeking biblical and Godly responses.

Thanks,

Angelia

Hi angelia. Prayers to you both. I need time to reflect on what you have written so I can give you an appropriate response. Time is not on my side this morning so I'll absorb what you have written & be back w/my thoughts.

Aloha angelia,

Good to hear from you. I too will need some time with this. The rest of my week is really hectic.

Whether he will listen to it or not, the first verse that jumped out at me is the one from Joshua.

Joshua 24:15
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

What is his choice?

More to come. Talk to you later. Bless you.

S&C

Angelia,

Didn't want you to think I forgot about you. I just got off my work shift this week, so I'll have more time this weekend. Check back, ok?

Hi, thanks for the response. Just hanging on and praying. It's been a very rough week.

Aloha angelia,

I'm so sorry it has taken so long to respond to you. Things have been so busy that I haven't been able to make enough time to respond.


I do understand the power of words. However, the Jesus always called things the way they were. In order to address the issue, you need to call it what it is. If he is already acting in manner way, calling it as such will have no effect on the behavior.


The issue is, plausible explanation or not, that this contact makes you uncomfortable. And with him dancing on the edge, it does not take much to go over that edge. When your H chose to return to the M were there any boundries set as far as NC (I understand this isn't the same OW), or openess. I mean what was aggreed upon with regards to accountability. What steps were in place for your proof that he was no longer in contact?

These steps should still be in place for any other woman in his life. You should be able to read e-mails, check phone records, bank accounts etc.

What was your consequence for him violating NC? I would tell him that the deception after an A brings you right back to square one with regards to his A. It doesn't have to be the same OW.

Does he have someone other than yourself to be accountable to? If he does, get that person involved.

For me, deception is no different than the A. IT was deception that allowed my W's A to happen. Deception is a boundry that has me making plans for exposure and Plan B.


Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he maybe showing signs of depression. I understand that we men in general, begin to show anger because of our frustration of not being able to handle a particular situation.

If he is open to it, I would suggest he go see a doctor just to make sure it isn't depression. And if he doesn't tell him the only other reason you can figure for the way he is acting is that he is involved in another A and you ain't doing that dance again!

The Holy Spirit can convict him. But he still has to use his free will to draw closer to God.

You do not feel like you are in love with him because of his lack of concern for your feelings on this matter. It's understandable, He needs to know who his actions are affecting you. If it is nnot addressed, you become a prime candidate for an A yourself. So whether you choose a exposure and plan B ro you end up having an A, there will be consequences to his actions and all of them are your choice. You need to be strong enough to stay in God's will with your choice. Exposure and possible Plan B would be in God's will. Separation isn't the same as divorce.

God's plan for addressing someone in sin is to confront them with it, if they don't repent take two or three as a witness and confront again. If they still don't repent, take it to the church (your pastor). If he still doesn't repent, he is to be handed over to satan for him to do as he will (IMO Plan B). He may very well have to eat out of the pig troughs before he "Gets it". Hopefully not.

Satan doesn't win intil the final curtain call. You need to remain intimate with the Father. Do not faulter in your relationship with God. Keepin mind; "When you are intimate with the Father, Satan fears you!!" Stay intimate, keep your H in your prayers and watch God work.

Hope this helps. And I hope you haven't given up on this thread.

Bless you Sis.

S&C

S&C...Thanks for responding.




Actually there weren't any. My fault and I take entire blame for that. I knew he wasn't in contact with the woman he was living with any more. He had worked with her and he went so far as to quit his job because he didn't believe God wanted him there. Hallelujah.

This woman is a new one. He has not addressed his issues that cause him to be unfaithful and addicted. I finally put down an ultimatum for him to seek the pastor's advice or I am gone. Well, as you can imagine, that didn't go well and he went to the pastor but it was all fluff. He was supposed to return to the pastor this week but hasn't done that either. I've confronted in love again but with his mouth he says he's sorry and his actions are digging in further.



Gosh, I hope not too because uprooting my family is so hard to do and not something I take lightly. I keep praying and asking God to soften his heart. My H believes it's something he just has to make up his mind to do. It's sort of like someone who goes to AA, gives up drinking but doesn't change the heart....That's where I think his anger is coming from. Currently, he's not speaking with the latest OW, but his anger is more, he's withdrawn at home, etc....either withdrawal or trying on his own to conquer this.


Hallelujah and THANK you for reminding me of this.

God is still with me. My life hurts right now and lots of people are being affected.

I know this so well and this is the crux of life, huh? We can pray, we can confront, we can leave someone in the pigs trough, and they can still choose to not do anything about it. UGH and double UGH!

Thank God for His perfect love. I know for sure that He'll never leave me nor forsake me and often that's all I can hang on to.

A

Hi angelia,

Again, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. Work is calling me non-stop lately & then the kids.....

Hmm, where should I start? I'll try to help the best I can. I think S&C is doing a mighty fine job (I luv ya, S&C! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) so far. I want to point out that my H has not addressed his issues either. I have prayed & prayed since H came home for him to realize what it is that drove him to an A both times. God is answering my prayer by showing me through my H's words lately. He did not go to the pastor. He didn't get this through counseling. He got it through an unveiling of the Holy Spirit. Just remember, through God anything is possible. I'm proof of that. It might help you if you start praising God for what He is doing right now to work through this. I know you may not see things working physically right now, but believe me, God IS working. It's when we look around at our circumstances that we start to sink & doubt. Keep looking up, angelia. Keep your eyes focused on Jesus. Hold His hand & let Him lead you to victory.

I also would like you to remember that a H's heart can be softened through his W. We wives have more power than we give ourselves credit for. You can help this more than you know. Have you read The Power of a Praying Wife? That book helped me tremendously in dealing w/my H & my M. It has worked wonders. It's amazing the prayers I pray that I can see working after 2 years of recovery. It has taken a long time & I have to remember, remind myself that this is in God's time, not mine. There is a reason for all this. This is one big journey. We just have to hold Jesus' hand & let HIm lead us through the journey.

Perhaps you might be able to draft up a letter to your H questioning him on possible reasons for his anger, his withdrawal? Remember, communication is an essential tool in M, which I'm sure you know. Perhaps if you can come up w/something, you can post it here & we can help you make it loving & supportive, building your H up & trying not to LB in the letter.

I just want to echo what S&C already said. Satan does NOT win, God wins. He always does. God bless.

I have been really seeking God's will in this whole marriage.

I realize my own sins. One is that I am a 'nag'. I say what I say and then POUND it in. I never realilzed that before but I have been really seeking God and asking Him to help me. So, my own sin stares me in the face. I have asked God for forgiveness as his word says I shouldn't be a nagging wife.

I also have not been believing and trusting God to take care of me. This is the hard part for me. It's hard to let go of the situation. Although I realize there's not much I can do other than speak the truth in love and allow God to work in the relationship, it's still hard not to interfere with God. Now, I still believe in consequences. My husband must face those on his own. My job at this point, is to love him (which is hard these days), to honor him (which is EVEN harder) and to allow God His perfect will.

I still feel as though I am waiting for the shoe to drop again because he refuses to work on his own issues and he refuses to believe he even has any.

Oddly enough, I feel great peace.

Angelia