I just posted yesterday about how my FWH is doing everything to make things right between us. He had a two night stand with a woman 4 1/2 years ago, but just told me 7 months ago.

In my anger yesterday I called the OW. I knew this was a horrible idea! He hasn't even talked to her for 4 1/2. There was nothing romantic between them. He had told me that if I contacted her it would end us. I just kept thinking that maybe she would tell me something about what happened. Really I was contacting her to check up on if what my husband told me about the affair was true. Why couldn't I just believe my husband was telling me the truth, and why did I think that a woman who would sleep with a married man would have any respect for me now.

Well, she didn't. She kept saying she had no idea what I was talking about and finally hung up on me. The bad thing is her husband now (she wasn't married when it happened) works with my husband. So what happens? This morning he called my husband and said why is your wife calling my wife about something that happened 4 1/2 years ago?

My husband is so upset with me. He is afraid of losing his job. He says it is over. That this was the final straw. That he told me if I did this that it would mean that I could never trust him. And now he will never trust me. I know I gave this other woman power that I never wanted to. I FEEL TERRIBLE! Why did I do such a destructive thing? How can I fix it now. I AM A FOOL! I have a husband who is a different man now. Why can't I accept that. It is too late now and I will regret this the rest of my life.

My husband gave me that line, too, about being afraid of losing his job due to the exposure. In my brief experience, I've concluded that this is his guilt talking -- a smokescreen to obscure the real issues at hand.

My advice to you would be to try not to get too upset about this right now. Give your husband some time to cool down and then try to talk him about the situation rationally. Explain to him why you acted out like you did, how you are trying to learn to trust him again, but that there are still lingering doubts that obviously got the better of you. If you talk to each other about how to deal with these feelings, perhaps you can diffuse their intensity in the future.

I am trying hard to deal with these feelings of distrust, too, and I understand completely why you reacted like you did. I hope things get better for you.

I don't think you are a fool. I think you are someone trying to figure out one of the most traumatic things that could be tossed into your lap to deal with. Your husband had five years to deal with it. He's given you 7 months and tells you that is all you need basically or else you can no longer trust him. It takes longer than 7 months to trust someone again after adultery imho, and to you, it's like it was 7 months ago, not 4 1/2 years ago, he had the ons, am I correct?

He should, at any rate, be able to understand AND realize if it wasn't "over" when he told you about his infidelity, it shouldn't be "over" just because you reacted to it in a manner he didn't like.

I'm not a MB pro by any means, this is just my opinion.

Thanks for replying so quickly. I just can't believe I gave this woman any more satisfaction. It kills me to think that.

I hope my husband can see what you have said. I know I made a huge error in judgement, but so did he and I am trying to cope with it the best way I know how.

ith,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation right now. I don't have much help to offer. I also called my OW, out of anger, for the first time- telling her to tell WH to call me- while he was at the airport waiting for WH. She pretended she did not hear me at all but stayed on the line until I hung up!

OW was my friend and favorite staff way back then. I just found out of their 8 year A last year.

I also regret calling her- I ahould not. But what is done is done. But I hope your husband will understand why you called her out of anger. I hope both of you can work this out together.

Let's wait for other more experienced MBs to help you out.

Take care,
Someone

You've got good advice already from bronwyn and eldente. I'm sorry I missed your posts.

Same here- I can't believe I gave OW more satisfaction to hear me on the other line shouting at her! It is never a good idea to speak with OW! You know how I she did not hear me at all, really...

I hope your husband will be more understanding and forgiving considering what he did in the first place.

~someone~

Is there hope,

On another thread you wrote, "We are active members in our church and he has had a disciplinary council." Does your church offer marriage counseling (MC) and/or crisis counseling?

Do you have anyone you can talk to for yourself and get emotional support - individual counselor (IC), mother, sister, good Christian female friend?

"My husband is so upset with me. He is afraid of losing his job." Hopefully once the surprise and anger passes about your call to OW, your H will calm down and be able to deal with things rationally. He might be motivated by fear right now.

God bless,
Rose

Hi ITH-

I am dealing with the same tyoe of delay in finding out about my Hs A for 5 nights over 7 months with OW 4 years ago. Its hard to believe that it hurts so much. I have thought and thought about OW ALOT. I have wanted to call her, her ex (they divorced since), her other OM and his wife. Bleck so dirty. I would love to hear her side of what happened too but I also know that she is unlike anyone I know and would not have the courtesy to tell the truth after all she didnt have the courtesy to not go after my H.

I dont know about giving her the power. She may be a differnt person too. She hopefully regrets her decision to be with a married man and maybe it will teach her something about the hurt she was a part of. Maybe it will make her think twice about doing something like that. I dont think you made a fool of yourself. I think its unfair for the A to be swept under the carpet like you never found out...I am sure she doesnt feel it was not your right to call her. Any sane person would expect or at least fear that.

IMHO, I do think that you should not be expected to be so trusting of your FWH. I dont care how small of an affair it was. You like me were lied to and duped for over 4 years. I think it will take a long time for me to trust again. My whole world these last 4 years feels like it was fake or at least not whole. For me I knew something was wrong but I didnt know what. My H had that info and chose to keep it from me.

MB has helped me realize that with forgiveness it is possible to move on and since you are religious that can and should be something both of you learn to do. Again IMHO, you have a lot more to forgive than he. My H has promised me the world too but sometimes I push him too hard and he explodes and says things he doesnt mean. I think we are both fragile and hurt now and way too sensitive.

If you dont mind me asking why did your H tell you 7 months ago? I am just wondering since your story is the only one I have ever seen like mine with the A so far gone. I hope things are going well for you today.

istherehope, you did nothing wrong, so please quit beating yourself up. You had every right to call the woman. It is SHE who did something to be embarrassed about, NOT YOU! She owes you an EXPLANATION and an APOLOGY, which you will probably never get.


Well, now that is just silly. Of course you shouldn't trust him. He has lied to you all these years. He committed adultery. Trust has to be EARNED, it is not an entitlement. You would be insane to trust an untrustworhty person.

And what have you done that is untrustworthy? Did you also have an affair? Did you lie about something?

Please calm down and stop with the inappropriate guilt. You are already griefstricken enough without piling on false blame. You did nothing wrong!! The adulterers are the ones who did something wrong, keep that in perspective.

All good advice, Ith...especially counseling and Melody's post.

I just wanted to add a thought about OW's new hubby calling and not understanding why because it happened four years ago...

He married someone who would do that to another couple. He might be in for understanding, down the line, exactly what you feel like.

This isn't about trust...it is about healing. You trusting yourself and your FWH giving you what you need most.

LA

is there hope - Yes, there is lots of hope.

I am going to restrain myself, though, with regard to your husband. Suffice it to say....he still has LOTS to learn, and he better start learning it in a hurry.

The next time he gives you that line, or anything remotely similar to it....tell him that HE broke the trust you gave him and if he is NOT willing to WORK to EARN your trust, then YOU will find someone who not only is willing to work at a marriage, but to find someone who WILL submit their life to Christ.

Either he IS a Christian or he is not. He can take that up with God....or if he'd like, he can "justify" his actions to us....we don't "fool" so easily.

I.S.T., you did nothing "wrong" in contacting the OW. What her current husband thinks is irrelevant. That your husband works with him is irrelevant. The two of them CHOSE adultery and a direct attack upon you and your marriage. DO NOT allow them to get you thinking YOU are a, or "the," "bad guy" in all of this.

God bless.

And when the OW's H asked "Why is she calling, asking about something that happend 4.5 years ago?" Your H's reply should of been, "To her, it has only been 7 months." It is HIS place to defend you.

Don't beat yourself up over this. In a sense, you sort of "exposed", which might be good for the OW's H. Maybe he didn't have a clue of the type of person he took vows with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />