OK, OK, I am trying to let go. It is very difficult for me. The best way I can describe it is that it is so difficult for me because I KNOW it doesn’t have to be.


I know that I am remorseful for what I have done to hurt stbxw. I know that I am committed to addressing my issues and correcting them. I know that I do love her. I KNOW that she still has feelings for me. I know that I love my kids and am willing to do ANYTHING to keep their family intact. I KNOW that if we approached reconciliation again in a committed and spiritually focused approach that we could build a happy, loving marriage and family.

But she says I don’t show true remorse. She says I act cocky and arrogant. But she is mis-reading me. When she calls being cocky and arrogant is me trying to put on a happy face and cope.


It is devastating to me to see her throw everything away based upon her belief that I am not changing, won’t change, things won’t be different, etc…. When I KNOW that this belief is WRONG. And the more I try to get her to see that her belief is mistaken, the more she digs her heels in for a divorce.

18yrs together, first and only loves, best friends, 3 kids….. I just cannot let go and accept the D when I know all of that is being thrown away on a mistaken belief.

But the D is underway, the clock is ticking. And the tick-tock is driving me nuts.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. Exactly. And I know how you feel. I also am willing to anything to make our M work. But my STBXH doesn't love me anymore like he used to. I too used to believe that if we attempted MC, with all of our cards on the table, 100% committed that we could work. But he's not interested. We can't make our spouses do what we think is best. We can only respect their decision to end what we thought could have worked. We made the decision to do what we did, and now they have a decision. It is hard I know. This is not easy for me either and I'm having a terrible time trying to let go. We still live in the same house and it is very difficult for me becuase he still shows affection and we still have SF, but he doesn't love me enough to be my husband.

Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

Well...you've got plenty of company here! Hang in there..and just remember that you don't want to be married to someone who is going to punish you for the rest of your life. Life is too short, and in the end everyone has to make their own choices.

I'm grateful that I can tell anyone and everyone that I worked very hard to save my marriage, practiced NC and then came completely clean (now I've learned that it was too much information), and have asked for forgivness from my H and both our families and friends....all to no avail.

So, at least I can look myself in the mirror...although I still feel very guilty.

Let go and let God... you have us and we will always listen. For what it's worth I forgive you for your mistakes, and admire the love in your heart that is trying to keep your family together.

Take Care
Cis

TD,

Her perception is her reality. Instead of trying to prove her perception "wrong" why not change the behaviors that cause her to have this perception in the first place.

It sounds like you are digging your heels in too. Your post is full of DJ's. Do you want to be married or do you want to be right?

Hi TD,

I felt compelled to post as I had many of the same resolute feelings as I D'd my exH. I've often wondered what he could have done to get me to change my mind. There was no A, but he was unbelievably selfish, agressive, demanding, and sometimes just mean. I got him to MC twice only to have him quite after a few sessions. I gave it 7 years and decided I'd wasted enough time. (and I probably would have tried harder if we'd had kids).

I cant imagine you've ever been as mean as my exH. But I also cannot imagine that he could really change. Everything seemed like an act. If I could think of something, I'd tell ya.


But being a WW (and maybe even if she wasnt), you always have to question her motives. While she saying that it's her belief that YOU are the reason she does not want to be married, I often suspect these WS's just do not want to be married, right now. They just wanted some la-de-da 'freedom', and everyone else can be d*mned. And I think the BS's often take it way too personally.

NOT that it's not devestating, and I know that personally, too, but sometimes it's really NOT you, it's them. They arent always telling you the truth and sometimes they dont have a solid clue, themselves. I am sorry, and please be careful! - Dru

I feel the same about my husband as your wife apparently feels, but he didn't try to make changes, was arrogant and just expected me to get back with him - and is shocked that I wouldn't. Sometimes I feel bad as when I left him a year ago we were going to marriage counseling and he was making some minor attempts at change. Men in such situations don't have as many places to turn for support and advice. I had many encouraging me to leave him for good and our situation was bad for years.

Even if yours wasn't "that bad" likely your wife has "influences", people who don't want to continue to hear how hurt she is, they might see the solution as divorce and give their input to her. I was reading a gossip magazine about Brittney Spears and her silly husband as they've been fighting, a life coach said they both need to tell friends and family to give them a month at least without their opinions so Brittney can make her own decisions. Even in my own marriage it was hard with outside influences to think for myself - and I was confused.

People can change yes, but you know that... even trying to make changes in your own life, in how you relate to your wife is very hard. And if someone was burnt in the past they are much more shy with their trust as the saying goes. Perhaps she needs her space, some time, perhaps she's made up her mind. I can tell you from my own stand point that my husband might have convinced me to stay married had he not been so arrogant and had he done what it would have taken to mkae this right since I left him a year ago - but maybe what I wanted was too much for most men, emotions, apologies, sincerity, to quit blaming me, to quit criticizing, to do the opposite of what "didn't work." He could have "courted" his wife back at least to the point that I would go to counseling again. It's a shame, I don't think men our conditioned in our society to be as sensitive as we women want them to be, this is all new, men not long ago just worked, came home and there was no concern about meeting their wife's en's.

Sorry about all of this, in some ways I feel bad for my own husband, like he would have written half of what you said...

When I try to cover up my despair by acting "happy", putting on a face of happiness, goofing with the kids, etc... she says I am being arrogant and cocky....?




If saving my marriage was not my concern I wouldn't be here.





I feel that I have to dig my heels in. If I accept her claims, that I haven't and won't change, that the marriage wouldn't be better and probably would be worse, than I have to accept her conclusion that a divorce is the only option.

What is it that she wants to see...needs to see in order to be convinced that you are sincere? Have you asked her? You freely admit that you are 'acting'. She is perceiving your acting as arrogance and cockiness.

She is apparently not convinced of your sincerity.
Maybe she feels that your entire approach is an act.
Perhaps her mind is simply made up.
You have both caused each other much pain.

I also felt like this with my husband, he'd act like nothing was wrong and wanted things to just "go back" to normal, I don't know why, but it just made me angrier when he did that as it would be after he'd carry on about how much things have changed and how different it would all be. But we'd had a lot of hurt in the past, to me it would have taken counseling and time to "heal" and rebuild our marriage, he wanted instant gratification. Maybe it's partly the differences between men and women...

I think ba is right, ask her what she needs to feel you are sincere, what you can do? Maybe she is confused and won't even have an answer for you. Or maybe she will have constructive ideas. If talking hasn't worked maybe you could write your thoughts down in a letter or trying emailing her. My husband didn't want to do that but it's amazing, the past week we were fighting and I told him to email me as on the phone it was the same old fights - we actually communicated so much better by emailing each other.

My IC tells me I have to accept it and move on. He wants me to focus on ME.

I met with him yesterday and he re-iterated that to me.

So, that is my course. Accept, cope, deal, heal, focus on my children and myself.

It's not what I had wanted, but if I keep clinging to false hopes the crash will be huge when the divorce is final.

I really do hope she is happy when it is over. I do feel bad for my share of the blame for the marriage failing.

Accept that she has filed...yes. Cope and deal.
Accept that marriage is over...not necessarily. It ain't over 'till it's over.

You are trying to reverse the damage caused over 18 years of marriage in just a few months. That's a major undertaking. It cannot be an act. It has to be real...real to HER.

Nahh, it's over. Yesterday after we attended a Parents Seminar that is mandetory for all divorcing couples in Ohio, we spoke a bit in the parking lot. I asked if there was even a shred of hope and she said she wouldn't have filed if she had any hope at all.

At this point her mind is made up and she is resistant to anything that could affect her decision. She views everything I do through glasses formed from my past actions and behavior. From that perspective, she is convinced that she is correct.

If she could look at me through untainted eyes she could see changes. Others see it. My IC is enthusiastic about what he sees. He says that I would be doing even better if I would quit obsessing about the D, accept it, and move on.

So, I want to be friendly with her in what time we have left together, because she has (had) always been my best friend. She has (had) been the only constant in my life. I guess in hindsight I depended on her for emotional support and stability way too much since we have been together. It has come back to bite me as now it is making it so difficult for me to let go. She is so intertwined in my being, my sense of self. In her eyes, we never become "one" after marriage. But for me, emotionaly, she did become part of me. So not only am I having to accept the loss of the only love of my life, I am also left with a void in my sense of self that she occupied.

I have a book called "Spiritaul Divorce" that gives the analogy of cracking two eggs and putting them in a bowl together. OK, now try to seperate them. You can't. She is part of me. I can't imagine being able to remove that. But with the divorce, she will be removed, and in such a way that will leave a void in me. And when I see her or talk to her about the kids, those empty areas will cry out for her to fill them again. That is exactly how I have felt for the past 9-10 months, and it is soooo painful.


I know that I have to learn how to fill those voids with other things, and not a rebound relationship. The first step is accepting that the divorce WILL happen. I am working through that step now.

T-Dad,

I feel so badly for you, and know what you are going through because I am at the same point.

My STBXW and I were married for 6.5 years. I always treasured her and put her up on a pedestal. Sadly to say, she became my life. Last May she began to draw away from me, and I ultimately found out she was having an A. After I confronted her, she became a total alien to me. Fence sitting, cake eating, babble talking alien. During the Christmas Holidays I could tell she was just trying to make it to the new year, and sure enough she moved out on Jan. 3rd. Our court date for the D is now on Mar. 7th.

I love her and miss her so much. I have asked her to reconsider many times, but she says no. I've got to move on with my life, but like you, I don't really know what that life is. To complicate things, I work in the same building as she does, so I see her almost every day. It hurts so bad, and those voids in my heart and soul do cry out for her. I know what you mean very well.

Thinking of you,

Tired41

Even if she may no longer be your best friend, you can continue to be friend-like (or at least friendly) after the divorce. Your kids will need this from each of you.

I'm glad you went to a co-parenting class. Co-parenting after divorce is an entirely different animal than parenting during marriage.

"Co"-parenting infers parenting jointly or together. This is not as easy as it sounds.

I like to think of it as cooperative parenting. Even though you become divorced, you have to still have to work together as a cooperative parental unit. You don't always have to agree on everything but you have to cooperate to be effective.

she was.





Yeah, I have kind of worked it all out in my head over the last few days. I realized that she just doesn't want to be married to ME. So it really doesn't matter what I try to do, etc... it won't change anything. it isn't "on" me, it's "on" her. She is divorcing because it is what SHE wants, regardless of ANYTHING I do. And her always putting it on my shoulders, "I have to divorce because I have no hope that "YOU" will change", etc... is just her way of trying to place the blame on me to alleviate her guilt.


It has really mentally liberated me a great deal to accept that IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I DO. I have been beating my head against a wall trying to figure out how to do this, how to do that, etc... to show her my committement to working on myself, and it has always been dismissed by her as not enough. That has been unbeleivably difficult and painful on me emotionaly because it made me feel like it was all my fault for not being able to get my act together. She has consistently fostered that mindset in me, that she is just waiting, hoping, to see "changes" in me, and is just heartbroken that she hasn't and thus must divorce me. That has really been an unfair and hurtful thing for her to do to me.


But I can see now that that just isn't the case. It doesn't and hasn't mattered what I do. She just doesn't want to be married to me. And honestly, that does lessen the pain somewhat because by accepting that, I know that I don't have to blame myslef and beat myself up all the time for "failing". You can't "fail" when there was never a chance to succede.


I think to a certain extent, she is having an early (34yrs old) mid-life crisis. We have 3 kids, 2 in school, and the third will be in pre-school next year and then school full time also. No more kids on the way (I got clipped). STBXW's whole identity has been as a SAHM. That would have to change when all 3 kids are in school, but what would it change to? I don't think she knows. And I think she blames me to some extent for her lack of identity outside of being a SAHM because I have a career and an identity from it while she was "held back" from that by "having" to stay at home for the kids.... even though she has always, always wanted to be a SAHM.


I am comfortable with where I am at in life with my career and family and the outlook for my future in both. Does that lessen the pain of this D? No. But my emotions will heal with time. I will be fine. I will correct my shortcomings, seek forgiveness for my share of the horrible behavior in the marriage, and do what I can to make sur that I never repeat that type of behavior in the future.

What continues to tear at me and frustrate me to no end is the knowledge of the impact it is going to have on my kids for the rest of their lives. It's not right, and it doesn't have to be. That is what kills me the most.... it doesn't have to be this way for them. But I have accepted that it IS going to be that way.....

Thanks T-Dad for this great post! It's true, there is nothing we can do, and to some extent the guilt tripping is a way to manipulate. My H has said a million times "I want you to be happy"..alluding that it is impossible for him to meet my needs. What he is really saying is - "I don't want to be married to you, I don't want to have to control my drinking, I don't want to have to control my anger - I want to be ME". Although hurtful it would be easier if he could just say those things.

Hang in there - you sound like you are getting on a good path..all the best to you and your kids.
Cis