XBF is back and wanting a second chance. No, let me re-phrase, he's begging for a second chance <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Apparently, things didn't work out w/ the ex, of which he realized they wouldn't fairly quickly (like before the holidays) and it's taken him over 2 mo's to do some soul-searching and contact me again.

He never stopped loving me, has regretted leaving/hurting me and hoped that I still felt the same and could find it in my heart to even consider him again....

Said the past 4 months were horrible and he felt like a part of him was missing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I said yes.

BUT

that I give him no guarantees or make no promises and we could start talking again and see what happens.

He hooped and hollered and thanked me for even considering it and that I've made him the happiest man alive.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All aboard! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

DW

This is good news for you?

Why?

Why not?

Yes

Because I love him and he loves me. I TRULY love him and I believe he TRULY loves me. He is a good man, who was a great boyfriend, and we had a very good relationship.

Because he broke my heart, very suddenly. Even though the reason behind the break-up was somewhat understandable, it was an emotional knee-jerk reaction on his part, and one he now regrets.

SO, trust now has to be regained and earned, and I'm fearful that WHEN the next big issue for him comes up (b/c life is full of them, no?)that he won't flake out on me again and kick me to the curb a 2nd time. To me, that's a HUGE why not but one I'm willing to give him time to prove otherwise.

He's saying all the right things, but I'll be looking at actions, and so far so good.....

DW

That's good DW!

I think you're doing the right thing. Take it slow, see how things progress.

It sounded like you had something special when the two of you were together before. Maybe it will all come back and be even better this time.

Keep us updated!
Karona

Of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Don't forget, he is only begging for a second chance because his first choice did not pan out - you are the fallback.


And then he dumped you. And now he is back. Hmmm.


Glad you haven't forgotten.


Uh, bingo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

DW, I'm glad you remember that the same thing happened to me, so let me tell you my thoughts. It is absolutely exhilarating and in many ways validating when something like this happens. It validates that what you had was "real", and that he still cares for you and loves you. And now, you feel vindicated. Been there done that, I know how great it feels.

Now, you cannot forget (and apparently you have not) that this is the very same man who, when something came up, chose someone else over you. Now, I know you know that, but do you understand it? Step back, slow down, and reread this again - he chose someone else over you. Why? Why did he do that?

And much more importantly, you two have a very different view of where things are now. To you, you feel great and vindicated, knowing that your waiting paid off, and he has now seen the light. That is great. But, his vision is different. He made a choice, it didn't work out, and now he is back. Do me a favor and reread the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive.

You see, although I have no doubt that he loves you, a big part of his excitement comes from the fact that you are still available. Sure, part of it is love, and part of it is that he is now getting to explore both sides of the fence. You are giving him a soft landing from the other woman. Hmmm, are you perhaps a rebound? Of course you are, to an extent.

Now, you know I took my idiot GF back. Not once, but twice. Yes, I had a big dunce cap stapled to my head. More importantly, I was smitted, and the woman had total magic power over me.

When I took her back, I was very cautious, saying that I needed to see action over words. And boy, did I see action <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. But, I saw action because she knew that would be what was needed to regain my trust, and like a fool, I did start trusting. And then she pulled a fast one again.

My point is this. Go ahead and date this guy, but please, understand that you are in different places. To you, he is your "dream guy" returning for a second try; to him, you are a fallback who is still there after the other option fizzled out. Make no mistake about it - he chose her, and only came back to you because it didn't pan out.

Please, go very very slow, and do not let him too close to your heart. He knows he needs to earn your trust, and he will do whatever it takes to do so. But, he will need to demonstrate consistency for a long enough time to make up for this last heartbreak. He has a lot of making up to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Please, DW, guard your heart. And keep us posted, we'll whack you gently with a 2x4 when the first sign of trouble appears <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Good luck, enjoy, but be careful!

AGG

Ouch<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

The someone else was his ex-wife, the mother of his children, and he felt that he owed it to his children to give it a shot, b/c he felt that he really didn't before. I can't fault him for that. Wouldn't we all want to give our children a chance to have their family whole again? Does that change your view, or is it pretty cut and dry? I'm sincerely asking, b/c I do value your input.

I hear what you are saying AGG and I know you speak from experience and I DO appreciate the honest 2x4....you have the distinct honor of giving me my first whack. Can't say I like it much, but I can take it<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My thought is love and life is not linear, nor black and white (at least for the most part), nor easy or pretty and people make mistakes, and I do believe in 2nd chances when it is sincerely and genuinely wanted. I see that here. At least right now.

Yes he's back b/c things didn't work out, but they didn't work out b/c there was nothing there b/w them any longer therefore making it impossible to work out the old issues. He also claims a huge part of it was b/c he was still in love w/ me and couldn't imagine himself w/ anyone else, even the mother of his children. Thoughts?

He also said, he struggled whether to contact me again, b/c he realizes how effed up what he did is, on many levels, (however *noble* his intention may have been)he can't believe he did it and is having a hard time forgiving himself for hurting me the way he did and for the choice he made. He felt the damage he did was irreparable but he wanted to reach out, even just to let me know how much I truly meant to him. He would have walked away had I said so.

I will. Don't think I'm jumping back in w/ blinders on, but your analysis of how we are approaching the sitch at different places has really given me something to think about. Thank you.

We both realize what an uphill battle this will be, but the potential reward at the end, is something I need to explore, good or bad.

Thank you so much K....I know I've given you a clearer picture of my sitch off the boards and
This is what I hope for, but I will hopefully remain realistic.

Keep us updated!
Karona [/quote]

I will! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DW

[quote

Ok, I've been thinking about this alot and I think I'm finally getting what you are saying....he didn't come back 100% b/c of me and what he had, b/c had things worked out b/w them, this thread would not exist.

sigh.

Had it been solely b/c of me/us/our love, he would have come back in those 2 mo's prior to approaching her about possible reconciliation. He didn't realize what he'd lost w/ ME until it didn't work out w/ HER. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BUT, he also said things did work out b/c of his feelings for ME. Man, my head is starting to hurt....

I guess I'm just trying to look at the whole picture, his true motivation in WHY he did what he did--his children--and not let my pride and hurt get in the way.

I need to talk to him about this.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

DW

4 months apart, and only 2 of those devoted to "trying"?
Not really much of a try in my book...

Is he going to think down the road that he didn't really put enough into his "try" and need to try again???

Very good question Lexxxy....

So do I let the "what if's" hold me back? Do I not date him at all and let some time go by?

Or

Do I proceed VERY cautiously in the spirit of forgiveness and give him a real shot to prove himself?

proceed cautiosly...

I think its just good to identify the issues.

DW~~ So much to think about......

How long were the two of you together the first time?
Do you feel you know his character well enough, with the exception of his flight back to x&family?

I think it will come down to you D.
You will have to come to terms with knowing that you could get hurt again. But, I will also say, there are no guarantees with anyone, right? So, do we never put ourselves out there again because of fear?

You seem to be thinking your situation through clearly and looking at all angles. This is a matter of the heart, and there are no easy answers. Not in my opinion anyway.

K!

Please be very cautious. It really does appear that he has chosen to rebound with you. This has happened to me twice not including this round (Divorce happened this round)
and the story always had the same ending.. Different beginnings but the same ending.

Yes, it is nice he decided to try again with the ex-wife. It's noble. My wacko GF felt she owed it to her BF of two years to try again. Maybe it's noble, I dunno. The fact remains that he chose someone else over you.


Me too. Why do you think I tried with the idiot three times? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Ugh. Great. So you are "the other woman", who got in the way of saving the marriage?


Oh, sure, textbook. My IGF (idiot GF) also said she was afraid to call me, knowing how badly she effed up. Shrug.


I think you should explore, I'm not telling you not to. Just be very very very careful. And read what Newandimproved said, the words are priceless:


Please be careful.

AGG

Gawd AGG, you are such a buzzkill <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Um, he11 no, I was not the other woman, at least not in that sense. Everyone was divorced and out there before we met and fell in love.....

What got in the way primarily was the lack of foundation to begin with, the fact that they don't love each other anymore, and their only common bond is their kids.

When you feel your kids are suffering because of the choices you've made and you feel you've shortchanged them, it makes you do wacky things. I can understand that. But it was NOT handled well or well thought out and I got hurt. I haven't forgotten that.

Thanks,I will. Thanks for your input <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We dated 10 mos....so long enough I supposed to get to know him a bit, but that's really not that long at all in the grand scheme of things. Never once in the 10 mo's that we dated did he ever act flakey or unsure.

I knew my exWH for 14 years and I *thought* I knew him like the back of my hand and he cheated and lied right to my face for almost a year before Dday.....so how well do we really know anyone??

This is how I feel, but I am struggling. Luckily for me I've got this nice wound to keep me in check......

I'm trying to keep my head a bit, but no there aren't any easy answers K. I sure appreciate your input!

Just to make it totally clear - I certainly did not mean that I view you as the other woman - just that you might appear that way to others, eg his kids, given that he said that "you were part of the reason why he couldn't save his marriage". KWIM?

AGG

I'd say 10 mos is substantial to pretty much figure out ones character.

As far as xh, isn't that the truth. So then we can think?? How well do we really know anyone??
However, perhaps we are more aware now, and won't be fooled next time around.




OUCH!! But, maybe the wound is a positive for the time being.


D~~ I think you need to check this out a second time. I don't think you would have rest within yourself if you pass it by.
I think you will be wise in your choices and cautious.

Take care of yourself.
K!