While I was doing ‘detective’ work this morning, I got an e-mail from my WW. Here is an excerpt from that letter. What is the portent of this note? Have any of you been this far gone in your marriage and still recovered?

"I saw
a whole different demeanor in DD2 on Sunday towards you and that was
good to
see. I had scolded her about being so nasty the Sunday before. I
guess she
saw the way I acted too many times, though I have tried to tell her
that it
was wrong. Don't read anything into this. I am content with where
things are
now and don't have any plans to be together, but no matter what happens
I do
want to be friends, always. Anyway, DD2 should stop by and get her
coat."

I have been working on composing this Plan-A letter. The note above is very discouraging. I wanted to post it in order to have as many of you critique it as possible before sending it. I had varying opinions from you on whether I should do plan-A or plan-B. Anyway, here’s the letter. Should I send it or revise it or wait to talk to Dr. Harley? Please edit the letter as you see fit. Thanks all.
RoT

Here is the letter:

I have this picture in my head of you coming back to me. That picture keeps me going. It is my belief...my faith. I really do understand you. Coming down with cancer brought out the absolute worst in me. I was an angry, mean, self absorbed, self pitying fool for a while. I realize now that I put you and the children through an incredibly unhappy time. Along with that, 9/11 happened. We were forced to borrow money we couldn't pay back. Our lives were tough and trying! Suddenly you were dealing with a self absorbed, self pitying me, and our deteriorating finances. Who wouldn't bolt and run? I wasn't listening to you like I should. I wasn't giving you the love and attention you needed and deserved from me at the time. You were being heroic and tough when you didn't really want to be.

I know you didn’t intend for anything to happen between you and your friend at work. Your friendship seemed innocuous at the time. He listened to you...inspired you...gave you his undivided attention...lifted you up when you were down. Then, as time went on you fell in love with him because he was meeting your emotional needs and I wasn't, and he fell in love with you because you were meeting his emotional needs and his wife wasn’t. It wasn't and still isn't right, not only for my pain and suffering, but for yours and MM’s (Marathon Man) pain and suffering too. You have both suffered greatly knowing how this will eventually affect you both, your family, our family and his family. I know it all seems so right, because there was no intention for it to happen, it just did. When these things happen, it probably almost seems like it was God’s will. Therefore, I know what a terribly difficult decision it would be to give up something that feels so right. I do understand what you're going through more than you may think.

My wish, my hope, and my prayer are that you will leave all of this behind you and allow me to fill those needs for you so that our families won't be destroyed…his family too. Don’t his wife and children want him back? I have worked hard for the last couple of years to learn all I can about filling your needs…for friendship, affection, talking, openness, finances, doing things around the house, 'being there' for you and the children, and for sexual fulfillment someday if you could ever forgive my bungling there. In the long run, like you say to DD2 about her high school friends; they aren't going to matter much in the future. What is going to matter though is what she chooses to do with her life on a daily basis. So it is with us. The friends we make and love now are extremely attractive and important to us. We never want to lose them, but we have to ask ourselves, ‘are these the friends I really need for the long haul?’ Every choice we make has an eternal consequence of joy or sadness, not only for us, but for everyone in our families too. It's so difficult for us to see and believe, but all that will matter for us in eternity is whether or not we chose to abide in God’s love, a love in which he sacrificed His son for each one of us. Don’t you see that I love you in that way too? I would give my life for you…and for our children to abide in God’s love forever.

Would it be good for our children to see us give up on each other? If they see that the love and passion that created them is so easily cast aside, what does that do to their belief, faith and expectation that they could be happily married to someone, and that it could last forever? If we give up, they are more likely to give up too when things are tough. I believe that DD2 especially needs her family together to stabilize her life. I know that the hopelessness she feels is due in large part to believing that love doesn't last...if Mom and Dad can't make it last, 'why should it last for me either when I grow up?' If wedding vows don't matter to us, why should they matter to her? She doesn't need another 'dad' or another 'mom' to confuse and make her feel angrier and more hopeless than she already does. DD2 was conceived in love, she deserves to have that love as her anchor forever...so were DD1 and DS conceived in love.

My dream and prayer also is for DS to come home from his mission to a miracle... a loving family like your parents'...whole and complete...active in our church...helping to spread the ‘good news’ that he is now spreading, even before he leaves...a DD2 that has 'got it together' because we've 'got it together'... anticipating the joy of grandchildren to be born. What legacy will we leave our children if we break up?

I'm asking in all sincerity and humility for a chance to try to fill all of your emotional needs. You loved me once with so much passion WW! I know with all my heart that the love and passion we once had can return even stronger than ever. I know now that I did many things to make your passion for me fade. I didn't mean to. I just didn't know then what I know now....like the words in the song:

"I could've loved you better,
I didn't mean to be unkind.
You know that was the last thing
On my mind."

The best and most loving thing we can ever do for our children is to love each other as husband and wife. Otherwise, we leave our children a legacy of quitting, of no commitment, of giving up. What I feel goes beyond the usual word of affection that men and women say to each other. In you WW, I have seen and felt things in ways that defy description: passion (I always wanted you more than any other), beauty (did I not always call you “Beautiful” whenever I called?), joy (in each of our children), hope (always for our future together), tenderness (no mother could love her children more than you do), kindness (remember Kathy in Auburn), charity (who works harder than you for your money? it’s a gift to your employers), and yes...love. How could you leave someone who loves, appreciates and admires you this much?

I'm glad that we're friends again too, but I'm asking for the chance to be your best friend forever.

I have a plan if you're willing to listen.
RoT


There you have it. Are there any disrespectful judgements or any LBs in this letter? Am I too self effacing? Thanks in advance for your help and caring!

I've never heard of a Plan A letter. You can send it but it probably won't faze her.

wow! I think that letter is beautiful

Generally you dont send a Plan A letter and I wouldn't...

RT, I wonder if a more effective approach might be to interrupt her fantasy instead of encouraging it further? I think she has been so protected from reality in her destructive lifestyle that she no longer knows night from day, right from wrong. She has been reinforced in her recklessness instead, to the detriment of herself, you and the children.

I can't even begin to imagine the anger your children feel at having to helplessly watch this injustice.

Have you considered trying to save your marriage using Marriage Builders principles since appeasement has not worked? It is a fairly effective program that has saved many marriages.

Pardner, I have to add my voice to those suggesting you step back and re-evaluate. Frankly, your letter sounds awfully needy and that's not terribly attractive. Plan A is NOT about being a doormat. Did you expose this adultery? What steps are you taking to break this thing up?

Wow! You guys are tough. Thanks for the input.

I'm kind of mad at myself for not searching harder when the A got started for this place. Had I known it existed I may have saved myself a lot of heartache. I'm going to hold off on the letter and work on exposure. Thanks Longhorn and Melody and all of you.

Have any of you had good luck using net detective or any of those computer people finders in tracking down people to expose the A to?
RoT

RT, I recently discovered a pretty good internet service that gives you family members names for free. It is www.peoplefinders.com. We found the husbands name of an OW and possibly her maiden name which led us to her parents. I did make the mistake of paying the $9.95 hoping to get more information, but it returned nothing it had not already told me.

So, that might be a start and hopefully the others may have some ideas for you.

I think you have made the right decision about your direction, RT. Exposure is simply the most effective weapon there is against affairs. Hopefully, you will reap great benefits. And your children will see their dad taking a stand, which is a darn good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After exposing and from what I've told you all in other posts, should I do plan A or Plan B. I think Longhorn said I should just go directly to plan B. I'm realizing that I've got footprints stomped all over my body!! How do you determine which plan to do?

Exposure and Plan A go hand in hand.
Plan A demonstrates to your wife you are capable of being someone she would like to be married to.

Exposure kills the affair.

You have to kill the affair and then the plan a work you have done will hopefully lead your wife to thinking you could be someone who could meet her needs.

RoT - As usual, the folks on this board are right. You need to get down to business! Your wife is in la-la-land right now, and it will take some jolts of reality to get her out of there. (I do not pretend to be an expert on this matter, as my WH is still floating out in the fog himself.)

But, I wanted to say that your letter is beautiful. Don't deliver it now, but hold onto it. Keep those feelings alive. Think about those things whenever you are near your wife. Think about the hope, the joy, the passion, the love you feel for your wife. In the coming days you are going to be grieving, feeling rage, feeling unbelievably hurt by her... and you need to keep sight of these uplifting feelings all throughout the process. I call it "Higher Love" (and yes, I do like the Steve Winwood song by that name). Let that love radiate from you.

It is so natural for BS's to feel all the things you express in your letter. I spent WEEKS saying stuff like that to my H. He was fogged out, and none of it got through, and it just made me look pathetic and broken. I feel like only when I stopped saying stuff like that and started working on ME and staying positive and finding some peace did I start looking attractive to WH again.

You're ready for Plan A. Remember it's about working on *you*.

RT, do you have Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? I would suggest that you get that and do some serious reading on Plan A and Plan B. You can get it on this website with cheap, fast shipping. You can start with the link in my signature.

I would set up an exposure strategy, get your exposures out of the way and in the meantime, educate yourself on Plan A and Plan B.

Are you going to counsel with Steve Harley? Did I see you say that somewhere?

River, if I wrote anything about going directly to Plan B, please forgive me because it was wrong. I think I remember asking IF you were planning on going directly to Plan B right off the bat, but I was just doing that start a dialogue. Sometimes the hour gets late and I mis-type though. Again, if I said that, I apologize.

River_of_Tears
Is that from the Eric Clapton song?

I liked your letter although you sound a little needy here..
"'being there' for you and the children, and for sexual fulfillment someday if you could ever forgive my bungling there."
I think you should send it... and I'll tell you why...

Plan "A" is about LOVE....sharing what you feel that probably... your W didn't think you still had for her when she started the A.

I've been here a LOOONGGGG time.. and seen a lot of stories and one of my favorites is one of a W that wrote love letters to her WH almost every day...for MONTHS....

And for months, he never replied...not ONE WORD...A lot of people here said she should stop and the next letter he should get is Divorce Papers.. BUT... she kept sending them.

Then... one day the doorbell rings and there is her H... he looked TERRIBLE....lost a ton of weight.... bags under his eyes and looked like he had been crying for days...

She, of course took him in and he told her he wanted to come home and end the affair.. She of course said OK and he could not believe that she COULD even take him back...

One day she was doing his laundry and she came across a piece of paper in one of his pockets... she had to be very careful opening it because it was so worn it almost fell apart in her hands... it was the VERY first letter she had written him (very similar to yours) she asked him about it and he told her this.

"I carried that letter around all the time.." " I read it and read it almost every day" "I've wanted to come home ever since I read it" "It was the only thing that kept me going"
"She asked him why then did it take so long"? He told her.... " It took this long to even come close to forgiving myself or to understand how you could forgive me"

She later ran across EVERY SINGLE LETTER she had written him while he was gone... she never told him she found them.

You know your W better than all of us...if God set that to your heart....send it to her...trust him first....

So... I say... go for it....you never know if it will help... but you WILL know you never tried.....

GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS... FRANK

I suppose you have read about Plan A and Plan B on this site?

What are Plan A and Plan B

I gave many a letter to my H while separated. I don't don't think that trying to educated them gets through the fog. If you decide to give her the letter try to edit out some of the neediness and make it a bit simlar but still heartfelt. Plan A letters are not as usually advised, but Plan B letters are.

Another excellent book for you would be Dobson's, 'Love Must Be Tough'.

I don't know who wrote the song, but here's the rest of it:

It's a lesson too late for the learnin,'
Made of sand, made of sand.
In the wink of an eye my soul is turnin,'
In your hand, in your hand.
Are you goin' away with no word of farewell?
Will there be not a trace left behind?
I could've loved you better.
I didn't mean to be unkind,
You know that was the last thing on my mind.

Appreciation and love to all of you brokenhearted!

RoT

P.S. Eric Clapton 'get's it'(what we're going through) like no other songwriter; thus my screen name,RoT, but I don't think he wrote this.

RT, I also think the letter is great, but I think it would be much better served in Plan B where it can have an effect. You have already more than established your love for your wife over the duration of this years long affair - to the point of enabling. More of the same is not going to make a difference.

However, if you do the other essential parts of Plan A, such as exposure and bringing more conflict into the affair, your efforts at showing her your best side can finally have meaning if it breaks up the affair. But more of the same is not going to end her affair, and that should be the goal here.

So, hang onto the letter and use it when it can help you, ie: Plan B. In the meantime, hang tight!

Thank you Melody and thank you Trix. I will look for Dobson's book.

Dear Please Help,

My WW once told me 2 years ago that she had been saving all my letters. I wonder...

RoT