I am new here and am the wayward wife. My husband and I, married for 8 years have struggled for the the last 6. There has never been and physical abuse only what I perceive as isolation and perpetual uncertainty about every aspect of our relationship. The man I WAS involved with and I had a very powerful emotional connection and the relationship rarely took a physical path. I confessed to my spouse not after being caught but to make sure that the relationship ended (we had both tried to do so numerous times). Not much is said about the Wspouse. Im not justifying at all my actions but the pain leading to the affair was just as real as the pain it has caused my spouse. We will not divorce, but after years of counseling Im at the end of my rope.

have you looked through Dr Harleys Basic concepts? The infidelity FAQ's Read the books "Surviving an Affair" and His Needs, Her Needs?

You don't have to be at the end of your rope. You can have a marriage more wonderful than you ever believed.

cabin,
Welcome to MB. There is a FWW (former wayward wife) thread on this board. Look for that and begin reading. Also as BK has suggested read surviving the Affair, His needs Her needs, and read alot on the MB site. You also may want to start MC with the Harleys.
JE

Hi Cabin

Welcome to MB.

You have started the first of many steps. You have chosen to do right by your marriage, and it's a start.

When was d-day? and how long have you been trying to recover?

Please take the time to read the thread in my signature called recovery for the FWW. It may help you get started.

there are many FWW's here who can help you.

(((HUGS))))

** also a book that sometimes helps the FWW...is Torn Asunder.***

Welcome Cabinfever. Interesting title for your thread. What is behind that particular question?

God bless.

bump ")

My elders say I have strength and call it perseverance. The Lord has promised that we will not be given more than we are able to bear. Yet, we have ALL the books and change does not seem forthcoming.

It seems that we have a similar belief system on why we are staying together. We have the books- all of them. It only seems to be a temporary fix each time.

D-day I'll assume is the day I told my spouse. It was about 5 months ago. I havent seen the OM in 4 months.

How long was the affair cabin?

It's hard to say... we've known each other for about a year. Emotions entered the picture about 7 months into the friendship and we havent seen each other in 4 months. So, would you consider that about 3 months?

yep I sure would.

Can you also tell me more about your struggles for the last 6 years, what your husband has been like, how long you guys have been in councelling? What the councellor works on with you guys <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just want to have the full picture <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It makes a difference.

You quick story very much sound like almost all of us FWW's when we first come to the site - neglected, depressed, isolated...and alot of the time...it's not totally completely the truth, and more the perception we have allowed ourselves to fall into.

So knowing more details I am sure would helps us all to help you!

bump?

bump means when it gets to the bottom of the page, or on another page - you bump it to the top of the list of threads <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> yours had fallen down and I wanted to make sure you saw it! So I bumped it!

Well, our biggest issue is communication. He finds it difficult to talk to me but no one else (he LOVES to talk and be heard). Ironically, no one else has problems talking to me-seems like a choice. We have been in counseling on and off, together and separate for 3 years. Our counselor focuses on staying together. I'll start with the perceived NEGLECT-to work at 6am and home at 6pm, but gone again from 9-11pm (Some weekends too). Secondly, DEPRESSION-lots of that(medicated in the past), gave up my career to focus on the family. Finally, ISOLATION- I am not involved in financial decisions and typically do not know his income (self-employed). Hmmm...perception or reality?

hun,

I am reading so much hostility and frustration in your posts - i was not telling you that it was just perception...I was just explaining that sometimes it is.

You are here on MB. Has your H heard of MB? Would he be willing to try a MB approach.

Have you guys filled out EN forms?

I apologize... it is not hostility, I am just trying to cover many aspects in short. He introduced me to MB a while back. I am numb to just about everything but it is not hostility

I understand the numbness...as do many other FWW's.

Have you guys done any MBing together? Does he KNOW your needs? Does he KNOW that you NEED conversation, NEED to be included in finances. Have you HALF told him, or have you really and in all honesty told him without getting angry...HAVE you guys filled out the EN forms?

it also sounds to me like he is in response to things you aren't doing for him.

I was neglected - but it was more cause my H was being childish and reacting to what I wasn't doing for him....as soon as I changed and met his needs, and learned new tools to communicate and talk to him, he responded differently...and suddenly my needs got met.

Has your counceller suggested or given you excersizes for any of this?

I am wondering if you guys need to change councellors! As promarriage as you say...it doesn't sound to me like any core problems are being addressed.

Also...it's only been 5 months since D-day - your husband MAY remain unresponsive for a bit. Encourage MB, encourage the needs.

As for you - have you really figured out what allowed you to cheat? The neglect, etc are all just things that got you in a bad state of mind and feeling bad...but many people are neglected, miserable, etc and do not cheat. What in you do you need to protect for your future?

Im just too tired for anything right now. We have discussed my needs and his as well. My occupation of over a decade had started to occupy my weekends so I gave it up, to help me focus on his needs- our family. He seems to derive my needs from what he feels I should want (bigger house, nicer car, etc.) I've explained that those are his needs for me and not mine. My actual needs would take stress off of him (financially and job wise) I dont want much. Just to show our children what a marriage should look like. Thanks for your words and the article.
PS- the A was non sexual in nature, if that matters

CF,

Numb...would you consider that when you have several emotions at once, like wavelengths--resentment, sadness, anger, pain, guilt, shame, remorse--they can seemingly cancel out one another so that you feel nothing? If this could be true for you, then you're not really feeling numb as your primary emotion...but a lot of stuff at once.

In your last post, you took numb to tired. Emotional fatigue or physical?

Very common for a spouse to interpret another's love language as their own. We are humans and only have our own experiences to draw from. By stating what your needs are, you took the action necessary. We can hear and not get, but get later...like a meatloaf ephiphany. Do not despair that he won't meet your ENs...rejoice for now that he was willing to talk about them.

What about lovebusters? Is not feeling heard one of yours?

Does it being a non-sexual (or non-physical?) affair matter to you?

LA