Thank you for your thoughts. By tired and numb I guess I feel emotionally drained and lonely. We have discussed our EN's with a counselor on more than one occasion over the last 3 years. I just dont know how else to say it. He will only try when I have reached "rock bottom" and that only lasts for a short time. I am constantly feeling like a failure because I (we) try and we fail frequently. I dont like that feeling.
Yes, it matters to me that it was not sexual. Only because if it had been, I know I would not be trying to "build my marriage".

Emotional affairs can be as bad as sexual.

You said your husband directed you here. Does he post? It sounds like he needs to do a little reading here.

I thoroughly agree that emotional affairs can be just as bad, maybe worse depending on the individual's EN's. I know it is excrutiating for me. I just meant the physical aspect would have put me over the edge.

Has your husband actually though been WILLING to read His needs, Her Needs? Will he come to MB? I bet you ANYTHING why your husbands moments only last a short time is that HE feels like a failure.

Do you critisize him about his efforts in recovery? Do your mannerisms show distaste in how he does things.

I learned very hard that MOST of my husbands unattempts to try, to listen to me, or do things for me were DIRECTLY in response to the things I wasn't doing for him or the things i didn't understand about him.

He felt like a failure when he knew our marriage wasn't doing well, then he finds out his wife is having an affair...then he fails in reovery as I would constantly remind him on how it needed to be. All he ever wanted was to know he did something right.

Have you told your husband lately all the things he does right?

I do sometimes fall short in the dept. of praise for him. He is an excellent father who does not hesitate to spend time with his children. I struggle with how he measures his successes. By that I mean, I try to let him know that physical gain is not how I measure a man. What he can physically give me. Dorry, I swear that I have been saying what I DO NOT need from him for years. Yet his self esteem rests there. I dont know that I can help him change that. I try to take that pressure off of him, but do you agree that only he can do that? Any other compliment, pales in his eyes. I am working on my "mannerisms", I know that I need to. We have read "HNHN" and wished we had read it before deciding to spend forever together.

Men are funny creature CF.

My husand works his but off - work has come first...i hated it. Didn't realize until councelling, and people here, that due to his upbringing, one of HIS ways to show me love is to be sure he provides for us. Even if I am working. And when things are rough at work - it's jeopordizing his love for us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> so he gets stressed, and angry....i had a hard time grasping that concept.

Now I am not saying this is in your case...but there are many concepts about your husband that are so far out of the relam of how you think and function...that you may have trouble grasping things to.

You telling him he doesn't need to do things for you...doesn't change the fact that it is all he knows - and if he is failing in that area - if you aren't appreciating what he is doing...he is failing as a man, as a father, and a husband.

So telling him these things - that you dont need that you need something else...actually almost hinders progress with him. As those are things HE does to prove himself...and you wont accept them...starting to understand the concept>

What would be better, is to prais ehim for those efforts - learn those things about him...and then add in other needs...not ask him to change, but ask him to add on to his already fabulous personality...

It has been a huge learning curve for me...still learning everyday. men like JustLearning on the board here give me a wealth of knowledge into my husbands male brain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dorry, his quest for "success" is tearing us apart! I do accept his gifts but I also dont want children who measure love and acceptance based upon "what can I get from my spouse"-regardless of the outcome. God tells us not to seek treasures here on earth-they are in the end useless. There must be balance too. If proving to us that he loves us keeps him away from us, what good is that?

there must be balance - you are right. Have you guys tried POJA - have you made deals like he is home one day a week, or home for suppers even if he has to go back out>

there is a thread started here with a book that may help you out in understanding your H's need for success

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2948449

I am not saying these things to frustrate you or make you take blame. The biggest thing I had to realize is only my husband can change him...and only I can change me. And if I wanted my marriage then I was going to have to find a way to have change in my marriage and over 7 years, my approach to change was all wrong.

Learning how my H ticks and why he does these things - even if it hurts or tear us apart has really helped me change how I approach these things in discussion, how he reacts...and how accepting I am of somethings and not other things. And life is genuinely so much better now than in years.

You really are the only one you can control and change...and God can work some awesome changes in you. be the leader...lead and watch his reactions - learn, and use what you learn to find new ways to communicate, stimulate, etc. You may find he comes around

Dorry
Thank you so very much(with tears). I decided a while back that I could only work on me. My counselor has said the same thing. It always feels like failure when the bandaid gets ripped off. I pray throughout the day for strength and guidance.

Praying is the best way to do it. Ask God each day to take hold of you and change you. help you to be the leader.

Since you are spiritual. Have you read the book the self confident woman by Janet Congo? It is a great book. It may help you alot.

I'll get it. Thanks