My wife of 11 years and I have been going through some problems for the last year. It is difficult to pinpoint an exact reason but she admits to being a little cold and stand offish. I then found certain things that set my alarm bells going... she denied having an email account though she had one, she said she went to the cinema with her sister even though her sister had previously told me she had not,( while I was away on business), I found her new underwear that I had never seen before !! Finally I confronted her and she said that nothing was going on with anyone but she had an old university friend(male) who she had been in contact with and she went to the cinema with him. I of course was not exactly happy about this and demanded she sever all contact with him. She promised to do this. Three weeks later she was back in contact. This time I demanded she let me look at her email account which she refused to do as it was an invasion of her privacy. Anyway to cut a longer story short! I have just discovered that she also enters her friends personal email account to check if he has received her emails as he has not responded to her mails!! My question... Am I feeling unnecessarily suspicious of this relationship? Is my wife's friendship with this guy normal? How can I trust her after so many lies? I am on the point of walking out..but we also have 2 kids and the thought of not being with them destroys me. My wife has promised again that she will sever all contact with her friend and I have told her if I find out she has been in contact with him again then I am out of there.Any advice you have would be really appreciated.

Welcome to MB. This certainly seems susupicious to me as well. If she is keeping secrets- she has something to hide.

Please read all of the articles on the site. Read Surviving an Affair. It will talk about the No Contact Letter. It will also talk about Emotional Affairs- which your wife is at the least involved in. If she has new underware, I would suspect that it has moved into a physical phase or she is at least anticipating it to do so soon.

Look into a key logger to check her internet usage. This will give you her password information.

Read and post. Ask for help when you need it. Do not move from your house.

I second the keylogger suggestion.

There are two basic types -- hardware and software. I have used both and if you can get the software version installed on the computer, you'll be happier. If you don't have administrative privileges on her computer, then the hardware version will work.

With most software keyloggers you can configure them to actually intercept the email she sends/receives and keep a record of them. Of course, you need physical access to the machine to install the software, but other packages allow you to configure the software to email you the files and key log so you can review them on another system.

Her behavior is similar to my wife's during her affair. Very secretive and indignant when questioned.

She should recognize that her "friendship" with this other person is putting her marriage, children and future at risk.

Good luck.

It sounds like at a minimum your W is having an EA emotional affair, and possibly a PA physical affair. You need the truth, and in most cases, she is not going to offer it willingly. If she suspects you are on to her, she is just going to work harder to hide it.

Here is a link to some options you might want to consider. I will also bump this to the top of the GQII board for you.

Spying 101

If you decide you want to improve your marriage, then you are definitely at the right place. Her friend is meeting certain needs that apparently you have been unable to meet. Most likely, you do not even know what they are. Use the resources of this site to learn about her needs and then work on meeting them. This is going to be a tough battle but you can make it. You can restore the love and save your marriage.

Thanks to all for the replies.Last night we had a discussion about the same points that I mentioned and again she flatly refused that anything was going on and that although she accepted things might look suspicious to the neutral observer she insisted she had never and would not have an affair. She said if she ever got to the point of an affair she would let me know before hand and leave.She did not accept the EA thing either and we filled in the EN questionnaire. I came out on top!!! I explained that I needed more affection and physical contact but again this side of things did not rate on her 1-5 scale and she said I just have to accept her as she is. Re her friend I stated that if I ever found out that she was in contact with him again it would be the end of our relationship and I said that if she contacts him she is effectively choosing him over me and our kids. She agreed (again) to sever contact. I have access to her laptop so I am thinking of downloading eblaster or something like that to track her for some time to see if there is anything suspicious going on. Once again thanks for the advice. I feel I have to believe her one last time and give her the benefit of the doubt. Let's see.

Good Luck Gooner. I hope your right.

You sincerely have my best wishes.

-JKT

First, answering your questions:

Am I feeling unnecessarily suspicious of this relationship? No.

Is my wife's friendship with this guy normal? Only as a prelude to an affair, or part of an existing one.

How can I trust her after so many lies? You can't without her cooperation.

Now, questions for you: In view of what you know, what do you want? That will ultimately determine what you should do next. If you want to save your marriage, then I suggest you take a different approach to her.

You told us you have made some demands (that she sever all contact with him and that she let you look at her email account) and that you have issued a threat (that you will leave if you find out that she has been in contact with him again). These are typical reactions that I'm sure she anticipated and already developed action plans for. I doubt they inspired love in her for you, but probably motivated her to be more secretive, or worse, devise a plan for when the two of you go your separate ways.

I think you need to dig deeper. Go back to the website and read and re-read the articles. Her boyfriend is merely a symptom. Yes, he must go before your marriage can heal. But he is fulfilling needs that you are not, so the likelihood that she will willingly give him up is low. You need to find a way to fulfill those needs yourself, so that she won't need him anymore. And you need to be able to give her a safe place to express what her needs are. Issuing demands and ultimatums will not make her feel safe, and will make you look insecure, or worse, like a tyrant.

That said, you do need to convey, as gently and lovingly as possible, that there is only so much hurt that you can endure as a result of her actions. She does need to understand that you are not a doormat.

Good luck.