I don't have a copy. I assume you are talking about "Surviving an Affair"?


As for MB counseling. There is no way I could afford it. Not at $185 an hour or whatever it is.

Virginia,
I went back to read your posts. Your wife's history is not a good one.

This is her 3rd affair....in your 8 year marriage.
Her first child (5 yr old) is not yours.
She very recently had a second affair with that childs father, plus yet another OM now.

Plus you said in your very first post (in January) that she lost the baby.

Which way is it, VH?

WAT

I didn't remember if I had posted about that or not. When she revieled the affair back in September, she was pregnant with his baby. This is a different pregnancy, which came about after she was back home. She was having a lot of health issues with her blood pressure etc. The Dr came in and told us she was pregnant - early enough that the test done a week prior came back negative.

She had an affair when I was in college and had very little time to devote to our marriage. #2 was when child 1 was conceived and shortly after I was out of school. She told me and also my parents very early on. I have been his father ever since. She didn't have a second affair with his bio-father.

The first 2 were in around year 2-3 of our marriage. There was nothing for 5+ years before this OM (the 3rd).

I'm probably going to labeled a fool for still wanting my marriage to work. I just believe it can and I am still willing to fight for it.

No, not for wanting to make your marriage work.

I think you're foolish to be convinced this baby is yours - ESPECIALLY now that I understand this isn't the first time.

ASSUME your wife has told OM the baby is his.

Get a copy of SAA and get hot on Plan A.

At an opportune time when you think your wife is serious about NC, bring up the NC letter idea.

Plan on a paternity test right after the birth. Maybe she ought to get her tubes tied while in the hospital.

WAT

She's the one who brought up the paternity test, but I'm not sure if she was just trying to re-assure me. She did begin to cry and seem really genuine when we were talking about it.

We are planning on either getting her tubes tied, or me getting snipped.


I am of the opinion that one of the reasons she came home is because she's pregnant and the baby is mine. It just would have been easier for her to stay with him if it was his. She told me before when it wasn't. I just don't see it in her to lie about something as serious as the father of a child. However, I am leaning towards a paternity test when the baby is born.

If the baby brought her home, it won't keep her home. You guys need to rebuild your marriage. This starts with NC with the OM.

With her PG you have a captive audience of sorts to Plan A. Be the ideal Dad and husband. A model citizen.

Print out the emotional needs questionaire and see if she's interested in filling it out. Find out what needs you weren't meeting.

Could be that she has some deeply rooted issues. Her past behavior screams this.

WAT

She has sought help for depression, both from this and the death of her 43 yr old mother (cancer) early in 04. She basically spent the last two weeks of her mom's life in the hospital room watching her go from OK to death. She was there almost 24/7 while I took care of the kids. I don't think she actually ever grieved as she felt like she had to hold the family together being the oldest of 6 with a father who needed help dealing with insurance, etc. She has said she just wasn't happy. Growing up, her father was an alchoholic, but eventually kicked the habit. I know she spent a lot of time living with her grandparents.

I know that when we were were first married, I practically ignored her. I was in school for an engineering degree and working. She also had a full time job working the 7pm to 7am shift 3-4 nights a week. I was often up all night working on projects with very little sleep. That got us off on the wrong foot.

There were a couple times she suggested we see a counselor, but I was too blind to see the problems in our marriage and blew it off. This caused her to hold things inside and not talk to me about them.

My kids are my life. I am not a hands off father. I love every minute (well most of them :-)) I spend with my kids. Some of the problems though were from me not doing enough of the work.

Since she has been home (both times), I make sure I do my fair share, and often times more. I'll clean up after dinner while she bathes the kids, etc. I never go get clothes out of the dryer without switching a new load in.

As far as the EN Ques. I printed them off to her awhile back when she wasn't at home. She told me she started filling them out, but never finished. I don't know what happened to them. I filled out the LB and EN for myself. I'll print them off again for her and ask that she fill them out.


Within Plan A, do I confront her if she "slips up" and contacts OM?

Absolutely!

ANY contact sets any recovery back.

She cannot regain your trust with "slip ups."

WAT

Is SAA the type of book you read together? Or is it basically a set of tools / advice for the BS?

When she's ready, she should read it.

She'll be ready when she's ready.

You read it first.

Don't hide it. If she wants to pick it up to see what you're reading, don't stop her.

Don't post anything here you don't want her to read.

WAT