I'll leave out most details, I am wrong for even having "details" at this point when there should be NC. I gave OM the opportunity to quietly just walk the other way. He refused the opportunity. It wasn't going to end MY way. Yesterday he head tripped me and said things that really make me think he is so absorbed by me that he would make my life ****** if he were to suddenly go off the deep end.
I have distanced myself from the office. DOn't know how long one could have the flu but right now it's my only excuse. I have a build in vacation and I plan on burning right through all of them in hopes towards the end in the least I will have a job to go to where there are only female employees! I'm not an angel in my little saga here, I have accepted all responsibiliy on my part. I am a dog! I have destroyed what has taken years to build, I am dirt.
I want to know why I am hurting so bad for the OM. I put the end to it, I said enough it stops. OM was in practical tears, I had to walk away, I had to keep walking straight to my vehicle and leave. On my way home I have conteplated suicide several times, almost head on-ed a car, he was in the wrong lane, mine, than wished for an instant It did happen. I have learned a lesson, a very hard lesson but for the here and now I can't deal with the hurt I have. It could very well be possible OM did love me, it can, it can also be possible he was just playing me for all that it was worth. THe way I feel right now I can confirm I had an EA. I am so ashamed. The morals, values, my self respect, I had these, I was strong by their side and in a course of a year I have been stripped of all worthiness to possess them.
I am in such an emotional state right now I cannot bear go to the office, where OM also is, I have been looking for work believe me, minimum wage doesn't cut it. I need my pay or close to it. I don't want to see OM, talk to OM, or occupy the same living space as OM. I psychologically can't handle it. I know he will stop me, he will give me that look, he will reach out...this is my 3rd attempt, it's a given. How do I make this hurt go away? How do I ever see value in myself after what I've done? I can't bare talk to my H and have avoided him at all costs, I just start welling up in tears. I've done wrong, OM has done wrong, I shouldn't have the nerve to say I experience these feelings of hurt, and it hurts. Hurts to the point I don't want to take another breath, the only thing keeping going are my children. Any WS's out there that have felt this bad? How do I make the misery go away? What if he never goes away? Maybe he truly enjoys this game.

It is essential that you get another job. As long as you work with him, you will continue going through this.

smfry,

Without knowing much background, here are some facts:

1. Affairs trigger biochemical responses in the brain that are very similar to responses elicited by cocaine and heroin addiction. In other words, when you're in an affair, you're behaving like an addict. As an addict, you're experiencing withdrawal symptoms, and then you go back for your fix, feel better---then feel bad, then go into withdrawal---and the cycle continues. You seem to be in a place where you're realizing this, so you need to stop the addictive cycle.

2. You need to quit your job. No contact. The ending of this affair should be brutal, with no feelings of "love" left behind. It sounds cruel, but it's usually the best solution for all involved (including OP)---it helps everyone move on with recovery.

3. If you haven't told your husband, you should (with a plan in place to break the news and provide counseling). Having your spouse know builds in an extra accountability factor---and your spouse can be there for you when you go through the withdrawal from the affair.

It will get better, once you make a permanent separation and get through withdrawal. That takes time and a real plan.

{{{{smfry}}}}

Oh, the consequences of As...they are so many.

You may have to take minimum wage, even if it doesn't cut it.

You may have to move.

You may have to get a restraining order.

You may need to expose your own A at work.

All these consequences are actually your path out of pain and into redemption. Steps forward.

Avoiding your H could be stabbing him. You are focused on the wrong man's tears. OM knew you were married and decided to help you stab your H's heart. OM has tears of shame as well as tantrum ones. Your H's pain wasn't volunteered for.

You make the misery go away when you set your priorities and adhere to them--marriage, children--you open to your H your tears and fears and you jointly find ways to get OM out of your life, whether you have to quit work immediately, move, live with relatives or friends. Priorities will give you the metal to lean on and catch your breath.

And digging in yourself to find out that why of what you did is very important to make the misery go away, too.

Get counseling.

Every step you take, no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing, is bringing you one step back to your integrity. You have to rebuild it, like your marriage; and you are worth it.

You can do this. Focus on your H and yourself instead of OM. It is tough--you've been using OM like a drug for a year and that's a habit, not love.

LA

You can start by telling the OM's wife, as well as your own husband. Honesty is the key here. The truth will set you free. It doesn't mean it doesn't have consequences, but it does release you from the prison you are in.

-hang in there