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I have no hard evidence that my H is cheating, but all my senses say YES!!
I have contacted the OW in a friendly email, saying that my husband is going through a difficult time and that I am afraid he might really do some damage to himself. I told her that I love him and that any help she could give me in my attempt to reach him would be appreciated. (My H is overseas.)
Was this a good idea? Should I expect anything more than rage from my H and lies from her?
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Based on my experience WS's lie with the best of them and their lovers who are also WS's or cheaters are right there with them.
What makes you think he is cheating on you? Who is this OW and what is his relationship with her. What's your profile (ages, children?, married how long, living arrangements now, etc.) This will help people provide advice.
Hang in there and let folks here help you.
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Love you guys!
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/06/06 11:59 PM.
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If there is an Affair--the OW will do nothing to help you, and will lie at every opportunity. Confronting her will not end things.
Why do you think there is an affair? Give some details--there are a lot of folks on these boards that have done their own detective work--they could really help you get the information you need if they knew where to tell you to look.
BS (me) 34
FWH 32
Married 1997
DD, 4; DD, 2
PA 10/04-10/05
DDay 11/17/05
In recovery
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bump for my story, any advice? I am scared sh!tl3ss right now.
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Should I post in a different forum?
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Jaded,
Welcome to MB. You may not have any really concrete evidence that he is having an A, but it sure looks like he is at least having an EA.
The folks here are right, OW will not help you in any way here. She has her own agenda and your well being or even your son's will not matter to her.
SInce your H is already far away from you, read up on Plan A and begin immediately. Ultimately, your H will have to address his porn addiction thru counseling and you should also begin MC when he returns and is away from OW.
This is a good place to come vent and get advice from many who have been where you are now. Focus now on taking care of yurslef and your son.
God Bless,
Who
I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03
Recovered
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What H&P and CSJ stated is very true. Expect absolutly NO help from possible OW. They will do everything in their power (lie / cheat / steal / threaten) to convince you that nothing is going on; you're just imagining it all.
Have you checked out the SPYING 101 thread? It has a lot of good information. Most of it will be difficult for you to implement in your sitch but I will give you some ideas of what you can do when he is back home with you.
Keep in mind that Adultry is an ACTIONABLE offense in every branch of the military (at least when I was in) and confirmation of an affair could damage his military careear.
Have you spoken with the base chaplin? He will have resources he can make available to you.
Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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Jennifer,
Is your H on tdy? Or is he living with you? Or was he doing his long tour, came home and is out of the house now? Do you know if OW is military as well? And if so, have you contacted his First Sgt?
Honestly, if the man is using her name as a password for his account, chances are good it is at least a EA, but the not wanting sex for a sex addict is a big tipoff it is probably a PA.
Dont contact OW or expect her to help you in anyway. She is NOT your friend.
Maybe you could give us some details as to the current situation as where he is living and things.
Katie
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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I have had very little contact with my H since he has said he wanted a D, and I will probably get even less now. I will read up on Plan A, is it much different than the "Last Resort" in Divorce Busting?
Thanks for the comments, I'm glad that I'm not crazy in thinking he is involved with someone else. I am also afraid that the affair is his escape from the crisis of me discovering the addiction. I am afraid he is going to destroy himself. I want to help him any way I can, but I also have to protect myself...
Jen
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:01 AM.
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Oh, and is it possible to do a Plan A if the WAH is completely opposed to R? Aren't you supposed to ask for NC in plan A? I don't think he will listen to a word I say right now.
Thanks,
Jen
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Yes, Plan A is what you do when you just find out. So put all of your efforts there. If you can prove an affair, you need to ask for NC, but it seems like it will be hard. Is the OW in the military, or will May be the last they are together?
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How much time do I spend in Plan A? I have already admitted to not being there for him, etc, and have witten him letters and had a discussion with him about how I want to be there for him and help him through everything... But he is like a brick wall... Has been this way for about two weeks now. I have no contact unless I initiate it. Isn't that considered chasing?
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:02 AM.
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Jaded-
You certainly don't start off asking for NC. I would begin by perhaps sending him a care package...things he likes from home, pictures.....his favorite candy, home made cookies...etc. Have your son make some pictures for him...that sort of thing.
Don't bother contacting OW anymore......that's futile...they lie....believe me, I tried that approach too, trying to appeal to her morals....HA guess what?! They have no morals, so it won't work. She lied to my face.
Start that way....
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Just try being a good wife. You don't need to talk about your relationship. Send him newsy letters, packages, etc.
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And just hang out till he gets back? God, these next couple months are gonna SUCK!!!!
I think I am still in shock that this is my life.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the help!
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Actually you are not going to hang out. You are going to get very busy making your life a nice life. Get some projects going, clean the house sparkling, exercise, join a women's support group, etc. Do you work outside the home?
Also you can do a lot of reading here, and get the suggested books.
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This is just so hard, my H and I used to talk every day and now I get nothing.
Tell me it gets easier.
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:03 AM.
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One way or the other, it does get easier. It could be that he doesn't want to talk to you because he feels guilty that he is betraying you. In some ways, you are lucky that the military will separate the two of them as part of the normal PCS process. In my sitch, OW always lived on the other side of the country from us. That meant she and FWH only saw each other when she met him when he traveled. It sure made NC easier and I never have to worry about accidently running into her...or over her ha ha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Who
I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03
Recovered
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It does get easier, I promise you that. Stay in Plan A, put your husband on the back burner, and concentrate on making a good life for yourself.
Congratulations on the new job. That will help you get your mind off things.
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