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JJ,
Have you followed Mortamans advice yet?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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No, I haven't followed Mortatman'a advice. To tell you the truth, I am terrified to think of the consequences.
We had a nice chat today... I said ILY, and I got "I know you do." But I don't know if that is good or bad. I asked him if he was sorting things through, and he seemed genuinely happy and said yes. Unfortunately, I think his future plans don't involve me.
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:11 AM.
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JJ,
Please don't be paralysed by fear. If you do nothing, you'll soon be posting in the divorcing section.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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JJ,
I'd follow through with MM's advise (I always defer to MM's advice in military matters, It's been 25 years since I was involved) and contact the IG. If for no other reason he may come back and report that there is not an affair that he can detect. If he does find an A he can take steps to seperate them. Either way it's a positive outcome for you.
His reply to your ILY, "I know you do", is noncommital and evasive. Like you, and others on the board, I really suspect that he is involved in an A. His response to the ILY is just another red flag that this is so.
That he is "sorting things out" and that he seems to be genuinely happy is good but I suspect that this is mearly a front that he is putting on for you. Remember that WS's lie, alot. It seems to be a reflex action for them.
I'll give you a warning about something else that me be just down the road. The rewriting of marital history. A very common WS tactic to help justify the A. An example: Take any random happy marital memory, cast the WS as a myrtar / victim of the BS oppressor. I can really hurt when the WS twists the "good times" that way. This just seems to be part of the WS script.
Have no doubt that you ARE part of his future plans. As a matter of fact I suspect that you are very important in them.
Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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Okay, I have seen the light...
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:11 AM.
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okay that's it
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:12 AM.
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JJ,
I'd follow through with MM's advise (I always defer to MM's advice in military matters, It's been 25 years since I was involved) and contact the IG. If for no other reason he may come back and report that there is not an affair that he can detect. If he does find an A he can take steps to seperate them. Either way it's a positive outcome for you. This is exactly correct. And the IG will do it in a way, that if they find nothing, no one will really know that they were there or what the issue was. Everything kept confidential...unlike getting the command involved. In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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A few small corrections... For those of you helping me, here is a draft of my letter to IG. Is there anything else I need to put in, or anything I need to leave out?
02MAR06
Inspector General
Ft Lewis, WA
I am a military spouse. My husband is currently stationed in Korea with the 121st General Hospital. I recently discovered my spouse has a pornography addiction. He has been using his AKO account (xxx.xxxx@us.army.mil) to join sex groups and view pornography from other women received at another email address.
Since confronting my husband, he has announced that he would like a divorce. He has cut off all contact with us except for phone calls to our son, and has since changed all his passwords to all of his accounts. My husband is in dire need of counseling. I am worried about the environment in Korea that fostered this addiction. Since that time, I have also discovered that he might be having an affair with one of his subordinates. He reacted with such venom when I asked, I can get no answers from him. I have no proof of these allegations, only that he is using her first name as a password, and a few other things that would not hold up in court, but would like this investigated.
I know the Army would not encourage and enable this kind of behavior. Please help my husband.
Thank you,
JJ
okay that's it The only thing I would add is that they will need the name of the OW. If you have that, then give it to them. Else...send this right away. In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Thank you for all the help.
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:13 AM.
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JJ, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You go girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Stay Strong! MM, Thanks for stepping in. Your council is always welcome!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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Thanks,
Jen
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:14 AM.
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Way off topic Jennifer...but we were stationed at McChord for 2 yrs. and I had my DD at Madigan AMC in 93. Did it rain today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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Today was the first sunny day in a week! Someone up there must be smiling on my roller-coaster ride right now!
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Yes, He must. Nothing like a little sunshine in the NW to give you a little spring in your step. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I have been following your ride. Though I dont have any advice, just lots of prayer. Keep reading here. Lots of wise people.
K
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
WH-42/BS-41(Me)
Married 23yrs
S21, S19, D13
PA-7/04-now
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So now that I have had a few hours to think it over, my doubts about my actions are sinking in. I feel like puking. I am in a spin, gripped in guilt.
Last edited by JadedJennifer; 03/07/06 12:14 AM.
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JJ,
Well done. You have done the right thing. You just might save your marriage now. Don't feel guilty.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Jen- Calm down. You did the right thing. Remember, Mortarman told you this is the way to AVOID your WH getting dihonorably discharged. Breathe hon....you didn't do a horrible thing. This is all part of exposure and is a NECESSARY part of Plan A. Brace yourself because he's going to be upset when he finds there is an investigation....he's going to spew all sorts of horrible things at you.....but REMEMBER they all do this, and it passes pretty quickly. Just don't let him upset you. Let the things he'll say roll off your back. Here are a few examples of what they say when they find out about exposure: 1) I Hate you. 2) I was going to try to work it out, but now I want a divorce. 3) You are ruining our lives. 4) The poor innocent OW didn't do a thing, and now you've gotten us both into trouble. YADDA YADDA YADDA.....All fog talk. IGNORE. Put a call out to Orchid she does some KICK BUTT reverse babble that you can have ready on a sheet of paper for when that day comes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's Okay..........You did the right thing. Doing this will NOT hurt your marriage.......NOT doing it will END your marriage. God Bless, -Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Wow, I should have realized that saving a marriage would be such hard work! I am hoping this sinking feeling will pass, sort of a phase or something?
I think I need help with my emotions... One hour I think something is a good idea, the next I feel completely different. How do you deal with conflicting emotions? Does it get easier to deal with the WS once you are settled into the Plans?
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Ummmmm that's a tough one Jen.....does it get easier.... Well, it would be horrible WITHOUT the plans, that's for sure. The sense of urgency calms down eventually....I remember posting here at first and flipping out because no one posted back to me in 2 seconds. The MB plans work well, but the majority of it is counter-intuitive, so it feels ALL WRONG. Most of the time you'll be doing things that go directly against what you FEEL like you should be doing. Just keep posting here.....don't try to fly solo. We'll help ya <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> God Bless, -Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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JJ, There is NO doubt. You did the right thing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> This is your opening move in your campain to recover your M! Plan A is for trying to fix your M. It is about making changes to YOU (you can't make changes to WH) that are attractive to WH and drawing him back and getting him to reattach to you. It is about you fulfilling his EN's (even if you aren't getting anything back in return). During Plan A you need to eliminate all LB's and be supportive of showing love / positive changes to WH. It may seem that the WH does not notice the changes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Most of the time WH's will not acknowledge these changes for quite a while. It goes back to the thought of "are these changes for real or only until she "wins" me back?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Don't become discouraged! Plan A takes time to build but does have a great affect. A good Plan A lasts 3+ months and the changes to you last a lifetime! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You will have days when everything is going well and you feel recovery is at hand <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />, you will have days when nothing is going right and you're ready to chuck it all away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> We refer to this as the Rollercoaster. Sit down, Strap in, & Hang on! We'll be here to help you through this! Stay Strong!
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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